To wish I'd never returned to my home country? Warning: long

[WednesdayPlums]

I have name-changed for this as I think it might make me fairly identifiable.

My family and I lived in the UK until earlier this year when we moved to my country. I had lived there (the UK) for 13 years, DH is from there and DS and DD were born there. They're now 2 and 1 respectively.

I had always wanted to return home at some point and the catalyst came when my Dad, who's a widower, was very ill with bowel cancer in 2009. It was in the immediate aftermath of this that DH and I made the decision to 'emigrate'.

Fast forward 2 years and after selling our beloved family home and then renting for a couple of months, followed by a month staying with his parents, we were off to start life on the other side of the world.

We left behind our lovely, cosy family home which we were probably going to grow out of in a few years, but which was perfect for us with two little ones. We left behind two well-paying jobs. Specifically, I left behind a job I loved with a boss I adored, working from home, fantastic salary, which enabled me to be part of my children's day, giving them meals, putting them down for naps, suppling cuddles when needed, etc, etc.

We left behind an au pair sent from heaven who was a joy to live and work with. Who adored our children, made our lives so much easier and who our children loved in return. We didn't have grandparents in the country, but as she lived in, was able to provide baby-sitting whenever we needed it.

And we did need it. We left behind a great social life, enabled by said lovely au pair. I had made a good group of friends in my years there, and my DH had a huge, extended circle of friends, most of which have been around since school days. When we got together they all welcomed me into the fold and it felt like I'd known them all for years. He was the lynch-pin of the group, the one who went out of his way to stay in touch with everyone, to have everyone over regularly, and organised group nights out and get togethers. Our house was host to many late night, all-back-to-ours parties over the years. Life was great. We were not emigrating because we were in any way dissatisfied with our life there.

We have been here now nearly 7 months and I am miserable.

I am a SAHM Mum. DH was able to transfer his job, but not to the city we had planned to move to, which is where I know people and have good, old friends. Instead, we're in a city where we know hardly anyone. We have no support close by - my Dad is a 6-hour drive away.

I am struggling with the SAHM thing. I am just not cut out for it. I adore my children, but I find looking after them, at this age, hard. Squabbling, bickering, whinging and whining seems to be, feels like, the backdrop to my day. We go out every day, usually twice. We have activities and groups that we go to - they have plenty of stimulation, but not too much. They have plenty of opportunities to burn off energy, but also to be at home and potter around and relax, I am doing my best but it feels monotonous, mundane, routine, relentless. And in my time 'off', I get to clean the house!! Yay, the utter joys of being a mother and housewife......... DH pulls his weight, by the way, no issues there.

We have no social life any more. And even if we did, we don't have a baby-sitter or any family/friend support close by anyway.

DH's salary is several times the national average (he took his good London salary with him) but it is so expensive here. So much more so than I remember, and seemingly way more than it ever was in London. We're getting into debt just to live. Everything is expensive. DH took the car to get cleaned at the weekend - what would have been £8 in London, was 50 bloody dollars here. Plus he had to wait longer, and it took longer. This is symptomatic of everything.

There's also so much less choice here, which of course bumps the prices up. If you want something in the UK, you go online, do a search and you'll be able to find it, order it and have it on your doorstep in a day's time. And you don't have to mortgage your house to be able to pay for it.

Sorry - this is so long-winded if you've made it this far, well done. Each weekend we give each other half a day off, to go out and get away from it all, rest, relax, do something of our own choosing without two toddlers cramping our style. And this is the sad thing - the only highlight of our week is going off by ourselves. This isn't nice. It's not good for us, and it's not how our life was. We both of us, me especially as the SAHM need that break for our sanity, though. Plus we miss our friends. We're lonely. And going off to do our own thing only exacerbates this.

We paid thousands of pounds to move here and to ship all our belongings, furniture, car, and we're now getting into debt just to live. It feels like a disastrous mistake, but moving back would devastate my Dad. Everyone says it takes a good two years to settle in to a new city, but I still don't see how our life will be like it was in London.

I will look for a job next year, I will have to if we're not to get further and further into debt, but it depresses me to know that I won't be able to work from home as I did previously with the kids in their own home and environment every day, and I can't handle the thought of full-time nursery for my two when they're still so young.

I feel like we've made a terrible mistake and it's all my fault. DH has been amazing, but I know he misses his friends and family and our life. It feels like a drudge here, with nothing to look forward to, and no friends. And we're broke. It's crap. :(

Sprawling, right-wing Canadian city with waist-deep snow... Calgary?

I moved to BC about 5 years ago and I still find it really hard. It is very difficult to move from the centre of the world London to a smaller, colonial town. I wish everyone here don't feel the need to describe everything as 'world-class'. It's like Posh Spice, if you have to say it, it isn't true.

However, now I have DD, I realise that South London is a scary place to bring up a child. I can just stick her in French immersion if I want a decent education. I don't have to choose between religious schools, private schools or stabby schools (I was living in a pretty bad area). Canada is alright, reasonable clean, polite and safe. Not my cup of tea but good for the kid.

Hi! Another MNetter in New Zealand, Christchurch here... Add about 7000 earthquakes to the mix, and at the moment this is not a very exciting place to be living :).

I was surprised at your commenting on such high prices until you mentioned you were in Devonport... That must be one of the most expensive places to live in NZ, and you need a bloody ferry just to get downtown! Yes, things are not as cheap as they used to be, but $50 for a car wash sounds extortionate. Are you sure your DH did not go for a "luxury valet service"???

Earning "several times the average salary" and having to get in debt just to live sound excessive to me. If it is really that bad, I would recommend you to try a different (cheaper) suburb of Auckland, or even move to a more affordable place in New Zealand (anywhere else will be more affordable, really).

However, if you are really feeling that miserable, I would also recommend you to move back to the UK. Your dad wants you by his side, but I bet he does not want you to be miserable.

Good luck whatever happens!

How feasible is it for you to plan a move to Welly in the next year or so?

Changer5 - I also guessed Calgary :)

MrsTerry - where in BC? I'm in the Fraser Valley.

Sorry OP - no advice to offer you, only a (((HUG))). I moved to BC from Toronto 8 years ago, so the same country, but still found it bloody hard. It took a long time to stop thinking "ok, I can always go back", regardless of the cost.
When people ask me about moving far from home now, I always say that moving was easy. Staying was the hardest thing I've ever done.

aurynne - sorry for everything you're going through, really don't know how ChCh-ers have done it this past year +.

Yes, it was exactly that sort of car wash - the inside of the car was filthy and our vacuum cleaner cord isn't long enough! The point is though, that you can get the exact same service (well, better; these guys wouldn't do the boot?! Plus quicker and a shorter wait) for a fraction of the price in London.

And yes, Devonport is probably the equivalent of Hampstead in London, suburb-wise. Fully aware it isn't the cheapest option by a long shot. With neither of us knowing the city, and on learning that DH's offices were literally rigt across the road from the ferry terminal in the CBD, we decided to look for a place there, and then get out and explore the city - Devonport seemed like a nice place to acclimatise to Kiwi life in winter.

The plan was always to get to know other suburbs - a nightmare of course, though, putting a 1 and a 2 YO in a car for any length of time - and of course nowhere else seemed quite as nice. But not only that, we were putting in serious man-hours getting the know the place and putting ourselves out there. I'm actually doing our first term at Play Centre (potentially seriously outing myself there! Ad yes it's good, but these things take time, time time) and going to the groups. The though of moving elsewhere and starting that all over again, filled us with dread.

In any case, we're giving Auckland a year. Rather thuan nove to another suburb at this point, we'd move to Wellington, but of course this woukd involve DH getting a new job.

Jacksmania, I'm in Victoria. Everyone moves here and they all think it's wonderful. I feel like a right grouch . The other thing that I know shouldn't annoy me and does is the constant references to how great the weather is here. Yes, compared to the ice-bound, midge-infested North but it is about the same as London so not great. My DH thinks it's hilarious every time the adverts come on the TV, "BC, the best place on earth", I mutter, sourly, "never been to Bali then, how about Fiji, what about New Zealand". Ironic, considering this thread.

Give Nelson a try? Car wash here cost me $12 and I've not noticed prices being much higher than uk (aside from books and shoes). I love it here - 3 years in and counting.

I am from the UK but I wanted to 'see the world' as it seemed more much exciting . I used to be highly critical of the UK and the 'benefit' culture.

I worked/lived in Oz, Japan, HK, NZ, US. I loved it.

My lifestyle in UK is in a pretty rural village, so plenty of walks, horse riding year round, car boot sales, christmas fayres, summer fetes, National Trust, bucket and spade Dorset/Cornwall holidays etc., organic food and chicken keeping, and specialist clubs for everyone to learn something new, from triathlons to gardening to weaving in every town!

Having lived abroad it only now it makes me appreciate what a gem the UK actually is.

The dc are in OFSTED outstanding schools. Before that we had a brilliant au pair while dc were young. I absolutely loved my time abroad but I didn't want them growing up in a fast food culture with endless blandly commercial shopping malls and suburbs with no village hall at the heart and no free range, organic option!

I also now appreciate all that the UK has to offer, from NHS to multiculturalism and the welfare system and even the mild climate!

But I don't think any one truly appreciates what they have until they don't have it anymore.

They should change the ads to "the best place on earth when the sun is shining" :o

Just - we have done the driving round of other suburbs and exploring as much as we can, but it is really hard to do it in any depth and for any length of time, with the two little ones in tow. They just don't want to sit in cars and be driven around, nor wander down high streets, and get to know areas. So we've done our best, but it's been whistle-stop tours.

I don't think I'm depressed - yet - just really down and going through a tough readjustment phase.

I need to give summer a chance. Today has actually turned out lovely. Sun is shining and it's hot. And Auckland is a beautiful city, I'm not berating it at all, just my transition into it. We had a friend come out for the World Cup and he went back to the UK and has convinced his girlfriend to move out here for a year or two! Just need to get into a good groove, I think.

I have friends that live in titirangi and commute to the university. It has the bonus of being so green and filled with native bush, and close to the west side beaches like piha which is just amazing.

I'm writing becausei too have had 2 small children aged 1 and 2 as well as an older 4 year old and a sahm. It is gruelling the backbreaking boringness of the day when you are also repetitively doing the same mindless tasks. I made a group of friend when my daughter was y-8 months old but I never felt particularly close to any of them for a good 3 years and its only really been in the last 2 that I felt I got into a groove. It takes time to make good friends.

Is there any possibility of going back to work sooner or finding some childcare like a nanny now to help give you a bit of space and a sense of fulfillment. I think it can be really hard goinng from being employed and being valued.to being out of work with two toddlers.to look after so try and find ways to go easy on yourself. Are there any evening classes you could do to help meet people?

Loooooads of NZ/Auckland MNers turning up on this thread!

Yep, the big advantage of Devonport is if work is in the CBD you are just that short ferry ride away - it's about the best commute you can get in Akd unless you're in one of the very inner suburbs (Freemans Bay/Herne Bay/Ponsonby/Parnell/Eden Terrace etc) and can drive or jump on the Link bus or even walk in.

Slight hijack - hope the flights go well justabout

Oh goodness - I'm not sure I should have read this. We move to Auckland (hopefully North Shore somewhere) in January. I'll be going from a fulL-time, fairly full-on job to being a SAHM to a 4 year old (who is used to being in full time school) and a baby (13 weeks now). DH is a Kiwi & we're moving over to spend time near his Mum & family.

OP - it does sound like the 2 winters in a row haven't helped. Hopefully once the sun comes out, things might be a bit easier.

I've always fancied getting a ferry to work/college (hoping to do some study at the university once the baby gets older) but if Devonport is v expensive I may just have to be sensible about it!

OP. No decision is for life.

You are free to change your mind.

As an experienced expat (have lived in 4 countries, 3 continents) I can tell you that the first year is just hard. The second year is when you start enjoying yourself. And after 2 years you are settled and happy (most people anyway).

Give it a bit more time, I would say, give yourself 2 years and if you are still unhappy, move back.

We went to Wellington in the winter to visit in laws and I couldn't believe how awful the weather was! It made me think of England, but windier and without any decent heating anywhere.

Although expensive books and clothes can be frustrating they shouldn't actually make such a difference to your expenditure, should they? Surely you just go to a library or thebookdepository? It sounds like what you've really lost is an unusually pleasant lifestyle. Why don't you look for work so you can get help with the dcs again?

WednesdayPlums - sorry but that kind of service in Surrey costs £70! So where the heck do you get it so much cheaper in London? (Might be worth the petrol.)

Hi

Another Auckland resident here. I'm originally from the UK but moved here with DP's job last year and haven't yet started to look for work myself. I have 2 Ds's aged 3 and 1 and have also found it hard to make friends. Playcentre isn't such a good option as in my neck of the woods there is a bit of competition for places so you need to commit to at least 2 sessions a week, which doesn't fit with preschool/other stuff we do.

I'm on the other side of the bridge in Pt Chev, but keen to find out who else lives here. I agree about giving it a chance through summer; last summer I only remember through the haze of newborn sleep deprivation ( we arrived when I was 37 weeks pg) but there was lots to do, much more so than London.I also plan to get a job, but can't just yet due to holidays/trips back to the UK planned for early next year- think that will enable me to really see whether I like it here or not. Like yourself, the change to being a SAHM has been a massive adjustment and it's probably meaning I can't see the wood for the trees when considering the rest of my life.

What surprised me about NZ was the number of people with openly racist, small minded opinions.

After dynamic city living in Tokyo I found NZ lovely for a holiday but it was totally boring in comparison and a place to retire ifswim. Also, there's a lot of hype about it being a great place to live, I think it is if you are millionaire type heli skiing South Island outdoor junkies like friends of mine who wouldn't live anywhere else, but if you have an ordinary suburban working life , high expectations can make you feel guilty if you're not experiencing that.

It has one of the highest rates for domestic violence in the world, which you don't hear about in glossy expat literature.

I have relatives living in NZ and although it is great for a holiday, talking to them had made me think I wouldn't want to live there. It does seem as if it is in the 1950's which brings good things and bad things with it. I agree about the open racism I have heard from my relatives friends and neighbours and I have been really shocked by it.

I don't think 7 months is really long enough to give it a go. Usually takes a few years to really feel settled and make the transition.

I have had terrible reverse culture-shock coming back to the UK (from north Africa). I didn't really want to come back but like you, family-health was the big factor. That was 12 years ago! We still fantasize and scheme about going overseas again but realistically, we are settled here and more importantly, dd is very settled here.

A large part of the problem is that you know you still have a choice - you could come back - you are not 100% committed to NZ. I would commit to say, 2 years, and see how you feel and how the family situation is faring. Also bear in mind, that if you come back - it will not be the same as it was. You will be starting over again in many ways and you must not count on picking up where you left off.

But if in a couple of years you really want to do it - then I have a favourite Turkish proverb: no matter how far you have gone down a wrong road, turn back.

I don't think we did the wrong thing - but it was very tough and I have periodically railed and kicked against it. Whether we are wrong to continue to stay - well - I would need a crystal ball and I just don't know.

OP I hope it helps (a little) that there are lots of people poping up saying it's not forever and that they have moved back/to different countries. I think it's good to know you are not the only ones out there feeling/thinking that.

I think all the adverts/TV programmes go on about how great Australasia (in particular) is but they never do programmes on the people who come back.

DH and I "emmigrated" to Australia on a 4 year visa and never thought we would come back to the UK but we are back now. I cannot say it's forever as we have itchy feet to go somewhere again so might go to UAE for a while but keep a house here. We left Oz because DH's salary was not going to improve for about another 10 years, they had a 10 year draught so everything was dead, you didn't get a lot of house for your money and basically there was absolutely nothing to do outside of the city.

DH still has his rose tinted specs on sometimes though (sigh)!

BTW If anyone fancies a meet in Wynyard Quarter, as suggested upthread I'd be up for it too- my children love the playground there.

As another aside, in order to feel a bit more positive about things, I'm trying to do some activities which I couldn't do back in the UK. I've started swimming lessons with a view do doing (short!) triathlons as my swimming has always been dreadful, but here I can practice more by jumping in the sea as we're only a few minutes from our local beach. Also planning to do some local kayak trips and go diving once summer finally arrives properly. We don't have any family support here either, so have to take turns to do non child friendly activities. It is hard to get a balance ( DP has really got into all the ocean swimming, triathlon etc which has left me stuck at home child minding a bit as still BFing) but we are getting there.

One thing I do really like is the sense of community here ( compared to central London anyway); we have a local newsletter and there is lots of stuff to get involved in ( plunket committees, various sports groups etc) and we do some of that. I feel like I have plenty of contact with others, but they are all acquaintances not friends.We've also easily found enthusiastic babysitters locally. I do a pub quiz and a book group to get out of the house in the evening, given dreadfulness of the TV....

Anyway, sorry for waffle. Hope you feeling better today, apparently the sun will be out this afternoon. Feels like a trip to the zoo......