Fussy eaters!!

[skybluepearl]

What do you do when fussy eaters come for tea?

My 8 year olds best friend hates everything I cook. And I mean everything - jacket potaotoe with cheese and salad, sausage cassarole, roast chicken, fish pie, spag bol, thi green curry etc. He's such a lovely lovely lovely child but a complete pain to feed.

I will take note of my own kids food dislikes if I can see they really hate something (swede for example) and up till now I have been just cooking our usual family meals - which he picks at then leaves (last visit he left the family meal completely - I then gave him beans on toast to keep him going).

So should I be cooking him a special meal for one or should I be giving my whole family pizza on the nights he visits (so we can all eat the same) or should I just continue as I am - offering my normal family meals to him? He does visit lots and i want him to feel welcolme. I also have to think about my own family though and would rather cook and eat something nice. Pizza is fine here and there but not all the time.

I just ignore and make pleasant conversation and don't look at their plates. They're not going to die from missing one meal, so there is no point in either of us stressing about it.

christine - me too!

or when the PIL said things like "oh send her to us for a few days, she'll be eating properly then". (Funnily enough, she has not stayed with PIL for about 2 years now - since the time we arrived at lunchtime to find MIL, FIL and SIL all having a go at her about the fact that she hadnt eaten the macaroni cheese on her plate but wanted to have some garlic bread instead. She couldn't eat the mac cheese because it didnt have enough sauce and they'd made her have the crispy topping. She'd been there 24 hours and had eaten virtually nothing. Still makes me very cross even now.)

DS has an egg and fish allergy and is a typical fussy toddler eater.

When we're lucky enough to be invited to someones house, so long as it's not something that he's allergic to, then I would only give him what they're eating. I wouldn't expect him to be forced to eat it, but neither would I expect an alternative to be offered. I would hope that by sitting around a table with other children eating the same things that DS might try a little bit. I wouldn't expect a big issue to be made of it either. I enjoy mealtimes as much as for the food as sitting around the table chatting, so I don't want DS to associate being at the table with being a stressful experience forced to eat food that he doesn't want/like whilst sobbing.

For example he will eat things at his childminders that he won't eat at home. That's fine, he's got the taste of it and I'm sure it's all being stored in his brain somewhere for fine processing.

There's a difference between asking adults if there is anything they particularly dislike and running your whole menu past them for scrutiny IMO, equally there is a difference between someone who for example dislikes fish but will eat anything else and someone who is an extreme fussy eater. As an adult of course you should be polite and eat what you are given but it is nice to be asked. Some people (myself included) just like to know what they are going to be eating, as I am like that I tend to assume others probably are too, although as a guest if my host didn't say anything about the food in advance I wouldn't ask. As a host I would always want to make sure everyone was likely to enjoy the food whether they are adults or children.

I have never experienced the sort of behaviour by adults mentioned by LadyClarice thank goodness.

My DS has a freind who is a really fussy eater. When he comes to our house, I will generally do something he likes, but I will still put the same veg etc on his plate that my DS has. I can't expect my DS to eat veg, if his friend is getting away with not eating it.

I put carrots, peas and sweetcorn on his plate and tel him that the rule in our house, is to eat 2 of the veg choices and then they get pudding. If they don't eat 2 veg choices, they don't get pudding. Never known him not to eat his veg or anything else that I have cooked.

His friend is fussy, because he has been allowed to be fussy at home, but when he comes here, he eats what we eat - simple as.

Neither DH nor I would sat we were fussy, but he drives me mad not liking, pork, fish or rocket or anything with bones.
I threw DMIL by not liking a long list of fruit, her standard pudding.
As an adult you don't think about it, you just don't buy or order what you don't like.
No one tries, mostly, to make us eat what we don't like (ok the DDs and I give DH chicken drumsticks occasionally), but we nag children endlessly.
It's pointless we can't force the food into their throats. DD2 needs, sometimes, to feel in control, it's her security blanket.
Food is the battle she knows she can win.

startail that is exactly right. We as adults don't generally think we're fussy because we are in control for the most part of what we eat. It's a huge difference to being a child, where they have little control over it.

I do get frustrated at people who assume that because a child is a fussy eater that it's due to parenting. It often is not that simple. You cannot force a child to eat what they cannot stomach eating, and you cannot allow a child to starve themselves either. SS frowns on both approaches, you know. And I think pushing it too hard or making a huge issue of it only makes it MORE of an issue IYSWIM. I'm not saying you let them eat whatever they want with complete disregard for the rest of the family, but I also think that it's important to allow them some say in their meal, even if it's simply a choice between two different veg or whether or not they want bread and butter with their meal.

startail and triggles I agree completely with the point about control and that as adults we are oblivious because we simply make our own choices.

And clearly it is not parenting because there are loads of families where only one child of several has issues with food. Nor is it necessarily the first child that has the issues - so when it happens it is a shock to the 'let them starve' brigade whose first or subsequent children ate anything.

triggles where it becomes more difficult is 'giving them the choice between two different veg' when/if they simply cant bring themselves to put it in their mouths - or to smell it or touch it even.

boschy - I know - DS2 has SNs and lots of food issues. We have found that we have had to make certain changes in order to allow meals to be anything near normal.

For example, it has taken us a couple years to actually progress him to the point where he will eat some semblance of a roast dinner. When he was a toddler, he wouldn't touch anything but the yorkshire puddings. At age 4, he finally began to test eating peas, still a bit iffy about it, but will sometimes eat them (albeit one at a time and not until counting all of them on the plate). He will not touch mash, but he will eat roast potatoes if we continually encourage him to eat the "fancy chips". And at age 5, he decided he liked raw carrots. Yay! So now his roast meals consist of yorkshire pudding, cooked peas, raw carrots (while the rest of us eat cooked carrots), and roast potatoes. We are still working on getting him to eat the meat, and on the rare occasion he will eat a few bites of roast chicken. He has difficulty with textures and different temperature foods (prefers room temp, doesn't like anything really cold or hot). He doesn't eat all of it, but will eat some, and we're happy with that.

We've had friends/family that have said "why not just give him the cooked carrots that the rest of you eat and tell him it's that or nothing??" But really, if he likes raw carrots, and it's not a hassle giving him the raw carrots instead, why make it difficult for him? Surely the end goal is for them to eat a healthy varied diet as best you can? I think sometimes people take the whole thing too far and turn it into a power struggle.

boschy - I know - DS2 has SNs and lots of food issues. We have found that we have had to make certain changes in order to allow meals to be anything near normal.

For example, it has taken us a couple years to actually progress him to the point where he will eat some semblance of a roast dinner. When he was a toddler, he wouldn't touch anything but the yorkshire puddings. At age 4, he finally began to test eating peas, still a bit iffy about it, but will sometimes eat them (albeit one at a time and not until counting all of them on the plate). He will not touch mash, but he will eat roast potatoes if we continually encourage him to eat the "fancy chips". And at age 5, he decided he liked raw carrots. Yay! So now his roast meals consist of yorkshire pudding, cooked peas, raw carrots (while the rest of us eat cooked carrots), and roast potatoes. We are still working on getting him to eat the meat, and on the rare occasion he will eat a few bites of roast chicken. He has difficulty with textures and different temperature foods (prefers room temp, doesn't like anything really cold or hot). He doesn't eat all of it, but will eat some, and we're happy with that.

We've had friends/family that have said "why not just give him the cooked carrots that the rest of you eat and tell him it's that or nothing??" But really, if he likes raw carrots, and it's not a hassle giving him the raw carrots instead, why make it difficult for him? Surely the end goal is for them to eat a healthy varied diet as best you can? I think sometimes people take the whole thing too far and turn it into a power struggle.

argh... sorry... double post by accident

Stick to your rules, otherwise your dcs will pick up his habits. Fussy eating can lead to food phobia. What we did with a food phobic friend was put everything on the plate and say 'if you want it eat, if you don't, just leave it'. This is what we do in our house. Nobody has to eat anything, but they can't say 'I don't like or I don't want' because it then makes food a negotiable issue.

I'd make sure there was a tasty pudding that the food phobic did like though.

At first as this was dds closest friend, I did try to make an effort but it didn't work. However it worked with her younger sister who was also on her way to becoming food phobic - she would taste things in our home which she wouldn't do at hers because the parents would try to force them to eat and stand over them all the time. Usually you'll find these kids don't starve - this one sneaked into the kitchen at night to take food.

But I wouldn't recommend introducing Sushi.

I have 2 DSC's one of whom is a bit fussy. I thought 'I'll have none of this with my own children' (cue hollow laugh now).
DD has very strong ideas about what she likes and dislikes - but there again, don't most people?
I eat most things but don't like green peppers, pesto or bony fish.
DP doesn't like 'wobbly' food.
DSS hates mushrooms.
DSD dislikes most fruit and veg - except potatoes.
DD is vegetarian and dislikes food being mixed up.
Mealtimes are fun at our house! Saying that, it's not such a big deal really to come up with meals with enough variations that everyone gets something they like to eat.
If I had guests, however weird and bizarre their tastes may be, then I would try and cook something they liked.

oh ok I'm preaching to the converted then triggles! It sounds as if you have done fantastically well with your boy, and he's definitely on the right track. It took me quite a long time to reach the point of realising that stressing about food wasnt going to make DD1 any better (and DH even longer, but I blame his family).

sorry, didnt mean to argue with you, I just get so pissed off with the 'let them starve' brigade, or those who think that if only you'd been a bit firmer when the child was small, or that 'my child would never be like that'. There but the grace of god...

Following on from what Triggles is saying, I think you have a duty as a parent, not to make your child eat, but to make your child want to eat.

You have to keep offering them options even if it goes in the bin. The smell of cooking is important to get the appetite going, so make sure there are lots of cooking smells in the house before they eat, and of course offer it to them when they're hungry. Also don't let them chew things or dummies as that makes them feel less hungry.

Continuously pandering to fussy eaters isn't worth it in the long run. Nutritionally it's disastrous and it doesn't take long to change with the right approach. It's a symptom of other issues (such as stress from parents), it's not about food at all.

Even sensory issues can be overcome. There are connections between messy play and food and you will often find that kids that don't like eating proper food don't like getting messy. There is also a connection between that and toileting, sometimes kids associate what goes in with what comes out IYSWIM. Psychology plays the biggest part in food issues.

as a mother of a fussy eater, who is 9 and really should have "gotten over it" by now....

I am quite embarrassed about him not being flexible about food, and if he goes for tea at someone else's house, and the mother asks, I'll say not to make a special effort but just give him what she gives her own kids, and just give him a small portion. He eats most things on their own, but struggles with mashed up and mixed up food. (beef patty, potatoes, and veg he would eat, but Shepherd's Pie not....as it's all mixed up).

We are still working on introducing new foods and helping him to be less fussy. Without pressure. He now eats spag bol (but only a tiny bit of bol on the spag) and lentil soup, which is HUGE progress. But it is taking time.

When I met DH he ate no cheese, fish, vegetables, curries, but I started with him and he eats all those things now, so I've had years and years of practice.

You are a kind friend to make an effort, but I would not expect any mum to bend over backwards to accommodate my DSs fussy eating. I can always give him a sandwich when we get home.

There is a difference though between eating as a form of control (which I have seen with my DSD) and simple preferences?

Someone mentioned earlier that the two views on fussy eating are very polarised.

I have to say that I had two children who ate very well and was under the illusion that my no-nonsense approach to food was the cause. I might have looked sympathetic but I was really thinking, Just put it in front of them and they will eat it. A healthy child won't starve itself.

When Number Three turned up with his massive food problems I had a huge shock. He is eight now and the list of acceptable foods is growing (very slowly) but he still is repulsed by plenty of meals, including everything on the OP's original list. And nothing that I have done has made the slightest difference.

So I hold my hands up and say that I am someone who has come over from the Dark Side insist-they-try-or-starve-brigade.

Sorry to all those parents on whom I poured scorn in the past. I know better now

realhousewife, interesting about the messy play!

My DS never liked messy play, and as a toddler would obsessively wash his hands. He is an unusually clean 9 year old.

He was fussy as a baby (refused formula and baby food from jars (Heinz etc.) ) so I think it is really something some kids are born with, rather than it being created by parents' pandering though.

Yes laura, and I bet you didnt do anything different, your No.3 does all the stuff the other 2 did - doesnt have a problem with getting mucky, quite happy to play with playdoh, didnt have significant toileting problems, no major psychological issues etc etc etc ad infinitum.

Totally normal (whatever that means) kid - just doesnt like lots of food?!

Chandon in many ways your DS makes sense - it's not entirely natural to eat something that has been messed around with too much - it's about knowing what they are eating is safe.

So being able to smell food is important because it's nature's way of checking that food is edible. We know by instinct what is off and what is healthy to eat.
Kids won't eat if they've got a blocked nose either.

I'd echo that too, both DSD and DD are unfazed by mess, no toileting issues, no medical issues, but are very clear about what foods they like and don't like.
DSD has improved hugely - she is 16 now and eats so much better than when she was younger.

Very intersting observation about the messy play realhousewife. My youngest is always very clean - he meticulously washes his hands, will become terribly upset if he gets muddy, hates baking or cooking (he once helped me to make bread and the look of revulsion when he put his hands in the dough ...)

He didn't paint a picture until he was six as the idea of paint freaked him out.

Another one here with an incredibly fussy eater - boschy, Christine, I feel your pain... it's heartbreaking and embarassing and painful.

I'm really grateful for this thread, I am so worried about DS's ridiculously limited diet, he seems to have a food phobia and yes indeed it feels like I'm torturing him when I try to offer something new :(

OP your attitude to this kid is lovely, you are very kind and thoughful, I wish everyone was like you :)

oops, looks like I was wrong about the messy play then!

I'd like a support thread on this very topic, where would it go?