Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fussy eaters!!

195 replies

skybluepearl · 27/11/2011 23:05

What do you do when fussy eaters come for tea?

My 8 year olds best friend hates everything I cook. And I mean everything - jacket potaotoe with cheese and salad, sausage cassarole, roast chicken, fish pie, spag bol, thi green curry etc. He's such a lovely lovely lovely child but a complete pain to feed.

I will take note of my own kids food dislikes if I can see they really hate something (swede for example) and up till now I have been just cooking our usual family meals - which he picks at then leaves (last visit he left the family meal completely - I then gave him beans on toast to keep him going).

So should I be cooking him a special meal for one or should I be giving my whole family pizza on the nights he visits (so we can all eat the same) or should I just continue as I am - offering my normal family meals to him? He does visit lots and i want him to feel welcolme. I also have to think about my own family though and would rather cook and eat something nice. Pizza is fine here and there but not all the time.

OP posts:
Alconleigh · 28/11/2011 16:01

Goodness Serenity, she must have some outstanding redeeming qualities to make dining in Bella Pasta an acceptable price for seeing her...

OhdearNigel · 28/11/2011 16:10

My mother has always drummed "eat what you're given" into me. This has led to some ghastly incidents as other people's houses which I can still remember 30 years later. I was a really fussy eater until about the age of 10, would only eat dry food, wouldn't eat things like burgers or fishfingers. All I would really eat was chicken. Some memorable incidents

  1. Going round to a friend's house and being presented with spaghetti bolognese. I didn't like the look of it and poured parmesan over it because it was cheese and I liked cheese. Except it was that dry parmesan that smelt of sick. I tried to eat but was retching and just couldn't eat it.
  2. Being faced with very sour poached plums and pouring what I thought was sugar on them - it wasn't, it was salt. I still ate them and was then sick in the loo.
  3. Having to eat a grilled beef tomato and almost being sick in my mouth.

I would not wish any of that on anyone, especially a child. I have a violent dislike of fat on meat and just the thought makes my stomach turn.
To all of you saying "they must eat what's there and like it", how would you react if I served you up stuffed hearts, tripe and fried sweetbreads and told you to eat it ?

boschy · 28/11/2011 16:30

ohdearnigel you poor poor child, that's awful

Serenitysutton · 28/11/2011 16:43

Alconleigh this is the problem! I have to eat shitty food to see her but it doesn't work both ways! Fussy fecker. Not only that I have to pay good money for bella pasta when I could pay to go somewhere nice

HeraldAngelSinging · 28/11/2011 17:10

When my son was at primary school, we asked two of his friends to tea. I knew that one of the brothers was diabetic so asked his mother if scrambled egg on toast would be acceptable. She said that it was. Yes, as other posters have said, ask the parents what your gurst will eat and see what you can do for the lot of them then so that he doesn't have anything different from the others.

ChristinedePizanne · 28/11/2011 17:26

My DS has been known to hold food in his mouth for nearly an hour when he's been forced to eat something he doesn't want to.

Every cm/nursery/childcare provider he has been to has said 'oh don't worry, we're used to fussy eaters here, we'll get him eating what everyone else does' and then admitted defeat.

He hates wet and squishy food so of that list in the OP, he would eat the roast chicken, nothing else.

I really don't want it to be a big battle so I don't make a big fuss about it. I make him try a new food every couple of weeks so we're making progress but it's bloody slow. I really hope we have made a bit of headway by the time he's 8 though!

MrsHeffley · 28/11/2011 17:36

God I so rarely do playdates I want my dc and whoever comes to have a great time so I always get the dc to ask what the guest would like.So invariably it's hot dogs,sausages,fishfingers,ice cream(all as good quality as I can find with veg they love like corn on the cob ,strawberries etc etc. Things my dc hardly ever have so it's a real treat.

I'm the mother of a very fussy child 8 (who has a varied,healthy diet albeit foods he knows well),I've never force fed and he'd be very upset if I or anyone else did.I know how upset he'd be if in a strange house with food he hated.

I'd hate a guest in my house not to have a good time and as it's a treat I don't think it's a big deal to just ask. It's part of the reason my fussy eater loves having friends over as it's one of the rare occasions he gets the crap for tea he really desires.

Bartimaeus · 28/11/2011 17:49

I was a fussy eater so I rarely ate round at other people's houses - my mum wanted to spare me the discomfort. Because thats what it is - uncomfortable, embarassing and upsetting.

Add to that the fact that I was almost never hungry, no amount of "eat or starve" would work. I wouldn't eat. I also couldn't be bribed cos I disliked all forms of pudding (even ice cream). I first ate a pizza aged 22. I hated pizza as a child...

I had (and still have) a real problem with food texture - certain things make me want to be sick (mushrooms spring to mind). I would have hated the fact that I wasn't eating or hadn't tried something be brought to the attention of everyone at the dinner table. I was very shy and being told in front of everyone to eat something that I physically couldn't would have been torture.

To give hope to you mums with fussy eaters: I got better! Grin Am still not great compared to DH for example, but I eat very healthily and a wide range of foods. My mum never pressured me to eat for which I am eternally gratfeul. I gradually built up my repertoire as I got older.

DownbytheRiverside · 28/11/2011 17:49

These threads always end up polarised.
The only time you get any sort of shift in opinion is when a member of the 'eat or starve you whining brat' brigade has a child who develops a food intolerance or becomes a fussy eater or is diagnosed with an additional need.
Then suddenly the first thing they are eating is their words, followed by humble pie as they realise that those over-indulgent parents weren't being wet after all.
I'd rather my son avoided eating with people for whom he would present such a terrible challenge. It's just not worth the distress and anger on all sides.

Serenitysutton · 28/11/2011 18:35

It's funny Bart, I used to be like that. I ate so many things it wasn't noticeable but I hated "mixed textures" - ie solid rind of Brie eaten at the same time as the squishy cheese, or the tough skin of a tomato, which when you penetrated it would splurt out goo- I also as many have said hated fat on meat (was veggie until 16 as didn't like meat and only deigned to try a bacon sarnie at 23.

Oddly, about 3 years ago I went on some anti axiety medication, the side effect of which was increased appitite. I became obsessed with food overnight (I'd kind of considered myself quite foodie before that though!) and ate hundreds more foods that had simply never appealed before. It was like pregnancy cravings. I remember dragging DH around 6 different convinience stores late on a Sunday night for chocolate covered brazil
nuts and weeping in the last one because they didn't have any. Yet I'd never even tried them (didn't like choc covered stuff) I just knew that's what I needed.

Honestly it was almost worth taking the medication for the taste explsion side effects (but nit the stone in weight!)

Portofino · 28/11/2011 19:22

My DH has a long list of things he will not eat - yet gets cross when dd is fussy. His worse nightmare would be a ratatouille - he HATES aubergines/courgettes - so I would never dream of serving it to him, though personally I love it. So why should I force HER to eat things she doesn't like? I just try to introduce different things and get her to taste a little.

rookiemater · 28/11/2011 20:12

DS is fussy, he is age 5 and I am trying to teach him that when he is at someones house I don't mind so much if he doesn't eat something but he must not make a fuss about it or whinge and complain.

For the OP why not just serve some bread with the meal, I'd be surprised if he doesn't eat bread and that way you can serve whatever you like and he won't go hungry. It's not your job to make sure he has everything he needs from a nutritional point of view, but its good if you don't send him home hungry!

I have a bread maker so I often make and bring bread when visiting friends so I know DS has something that he will eat.

SeasonsGripings · 28/11/2011 21:45

On the first visit I ask their Mum what they eat and I usually cook something on that basis. If I wasn't prepared to do that then I'd skip tea. Most kids will eat pasta, pizza, fish & chips, burger and I'll have at least one of those on my weekly menu. DCs enjoy eating with their friends and their friends are guests and we cook for guests and accommodate where we can - that's my idea of hosting tea - it's no big deal.

OldMumsy · 28/11/2011 22:17

If he doesn't eat the food after 3 goes let the little wotsit go hungry. It may teach him a life lesson.

skybluepearl · 28/11/2011 22:25

I'm back!!

Wow thankyou for so many replys - a hot topic indeed and it seems there are many camps with different approaches. Really appreciate the wide range of opinions that have been voiced here though. Thankyou for all the meal ideas too. He eats here quite often really and I want him to feel welcome.

Just wanted to add that I don't nag to eat at meal times - I just put the food on the table and we just chat about the day or whatever. I don't make him eat anything -I don't even pass comment on the food at all - although tonight we all listed/rated our favouite meals. By the way his brother is veggie and dairy free, while his mum can't have nuts - I think that must make cooking at home quite hard at times.

Anyway today he absent mindedly ate half a plate full. I did mention that I could warm up some beans to go with his potatoe instead but he didn't seem interested. I think his mind was on other things - playing! Also we discovered that he likes tuna today - which is fab. We love tuna too.

I must say my cooking has improved over the last couple of years but i think my husband would disagree with the idea he is presented with a dinner party meal each night. I am a very impatient cook and tend to make quickish meals from scratch. Most of the time they taste OK

OP posts:
mawbroon · 28/11/2011 22:50

This "eat it or go hungry" attitude really pisses me off. It really does.

DS1 used to eat everything and anything until he was around 2. Then one by one, he dropped foods until there was bugger all left that he would actually eat.

Add into the mix his egg allergy and milk intolerence, you have the recipe for a really, really, limited diet.

He's 6years old now and only in the last few months have I figured out that he has had silent reflux and aerophagia since he was born. Aerophagia is the swallowing of air, and the more he chews, the more air he swallows. He burps the air back up and it brings stomach contents up too.

So, he avoids foods that need chewing - basically nothing harder than pasta. And the aerophagia makes him feel really full after eating a couple of mouthfuls of anything remotely chewy. That's because his stomach is full of air. He looks pregnant after chewing anything more chewy than bread.

He suffers aerophagia because he is tongue tied - a posterior tongue tie which you would never spot unless you were skilled in recognising tongue tie. He tells me now that many foods stick to his teeth (eg mashed potatoes) and he hates the feeling. He is not able to sweep his tongue round his mouth to remove these foods like somebody without a tongue tie.

He also avoids foods that get stuck in the little stringy bits on the floor of his mouth where his frenulum is like a web.

He tells me he would love to eat all the same foods as the rest of the family and he hates eating the same food over and over again. But it makes him physically ill to eat anything outside this comfort zone.

He will not be the only child with these problems. I guarantee you. Something like 10% of the population are tongue tied and a large number of them will have gone unnoticed.

So tell me please, how would "eat or go hungry" help???

And in answer to the OP, give the child whatever he will eat, or ask his mum to send something with him.

SparkyDuchess · 28/11/2011 23:16

I find it incredible that it would be more important to people to stick to your 'rules' around food than to make a visiting child welcome and comfortable.

I'm lucky in that my DS has always been reasonably easy to feed (bar a few fads when he was small), BUT he will not eat melted cheese, he gags on it - so pizza is completely out.

That makes him a PITA for other people to feed at times, as it's usually a safe bet, but he physically cannot eat it.

He's had mates round who were really fussy - one who would only eat a certain brand of chicken nuggets, another who ate nothing but plain pasta with cheese for about 3 years - not my place to be the saint who cured them of these issues.

I think anyone who is more bothered about laying down the law to a visiting child than making sure their own kids feel like their friends are welcome needs to examine their own motives tbh - and even if this child is a regular visitor, surely one or two meals a week that aren't ideal in your eyes, out of the total of 21 they take in isn't a big deal?

Triggles · 28/11/2011 23:20

I was very much a "eat what's put in front of you or go hungry" mum until DS2 came along and demonstrated how willingly he would simply go hungry rather than eat. He has SNs and quite a few food phobias/problems. Now I realise how lucky I was that DD was not a fussy eater at all!

DS3 will not eat certain texture or temperature foods, and has the potential to have a very limited diet. We have done all we can over the last couple years to expand his diet where we can, but progress is slow.

He is not rude or manipulating or just playing up. He quite literally cannot bring himself to physically put certain foods in his mouth to eat it.

There is almost always SOMETHING he will eat at each meal now, as we make sure there is a minimum of one item, plus bread/butter on his plate so that he eats something at each meal.

But it is absolutely not a case of "oh they'll eat when they're hungry enough" but rather an actual sensory problem.

redwineformethanks · 28/11/2011 23:36

I'd say as a parent, you have a responsibility to try to address your own child's restricted diet (and I do realise that can be a major challenge), but as a friend's mother, that's not your role. You could try to encourage the child to try something and make a big fuss of them if they manage, but it's not worth going to any bother. It's more important that they enjoy your company and want to come back. If you've tried hard to go for "one meal for everyone" in your family, I can see why you wouldn't want to offer this child a separate meal, but I'd say you should look for something that everyone can eat

Portofino · 29/11/2011 00:05

redwine, I agree with you. Living abroad we get lots of weekend visitors and I have learnt from experience that sod this, "the children eat what we eat" at dinner thing when there are food allergies and vegetarians thrown in etc. It makes for a miserable time. In my house the rules now are - small children get pasta or fish fingers etc, bath, bed before someones arrives with our indian takeway. Whoever is not on bath/storytelling duty opens the wine.

Morloth · 29/11/2011 03:07

DS1 has chosen not to eat on playdates because he didn't like what was offered. He says 'no thank you' and eats when he gets home.

I just don't get the fuss, it is one meal.

When I go to a friends house and they serve something I don't like I say 'no thank you' and eat when I get home.

Posters are right I have no idea how to deal with a fussy eater, I don't need to because it doesn't matter, my kids will eat most things, if a kid chooses not to eat for whatever reason I don't make them, I just figure that one meal is going to have zero effect on their nutrition.

Mostly they are too busy charging around in any case.

I am sure food issues are a PITA, but I ain't my kid and therefore my arse can be painfree.

I always seem to have a houseful and lots of repeat visits especially now DS1 is of the age where random kids turn up with him so it appears to be 'working', so no reason to change.

sleepywombat · 29/11/2011 03:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boschy · 29/11/2011 06:11

THIS: "Every cm/nursery/childcare provider he has been to has said 'oh don't worry, we're used to fussy eaters here, we'll get him eating what everyone else does' and then admitted defeat." christine a few posts above.

oh the hollow laughter every time I heard that one trotted out!!

ChristinedePizanne · 29/11/2011 08:03

boschy - the first time someone said it, I actually believed them too!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 29/11/2011 08:48

sleepywombat, I have cooked for people (adults) and had them ask in advance if they could bring something of their own as they would prefer it to what I was making; painstakingly pick things out of their food; and, while holding a communal bowl of vegetables on its way round the table, make 'yuck' sounds and faces. Either you're lucky with your friends and family or I've come across some real fussy horrors!

I hate fussy eaters. I think it's just plain rude when someone's cooked for you. I don't invite people round for food again if they've been picky and rude, or if I do it's takeaway.

By the way, I wouldn't extend my attitude to dietary requirements like being veggie, or the situations mentioned above when a child has special needs or other medical reasons like the child with tongue tie.

Swipe left for the next trending thread