Fussy eaters!!

[skybluepearl]

What do you do when fussy eaters come for tea?

My 8 year olds best friend hates everything I cook. And I mean everything - jacket potaotoe with cheese and salad, sausage cassarole, roast chicken, fish pie, spag bol, thi green curry etc. He's such a lovely lovely lovely child but a complete pain to feed.

I will take note of my own kids food dislikes if I can see they really hate something (swede for example) and up till now I have been just cooking our usual family meals - which he picks at then leaves (last visit he left the family meal completely - I then gave him beans on toast to keep him going).

So should I be cooking him a special meal for one or should I be giving my whole family pizza on the nights he visits (so we can all eat the same) or should I just continue as I am - offering my normal family meals to him? He does visit lots and i want him to feel welcolme. I also have to think about my own family though and would rather cook and eat something nice. Pizza is fine here and there but not all the time.

If I am inviting adults round for a meal, I would check with them first if there is anything they can't eat or really dislike, so I do the same for children and try and accommodate it. If they look unsure they are offered bread and butter.

My DS(7), who has SN, would eat anything as a baby (except baby rice) and became extremely fussy at around 18m old and it is difficult and can be a bit awkward. He won't eat anything breaded, sausages, potatoes (even chips) or eggs so I always tell parents who have him for tea because those are obvious choices for most children. He does like pizza but not most toppings (no meat) and loves pasta with tomato sauce or spag bol. He will also eat various mild curries (including Thai green), lasagne, moussaka and macaroni cheese, so all is not lost. I have had reported back sometimes that he hasn't eaten much but has been absolutely fine about it, so it is up to him really.

someone said "I would insist he try a little bit". For a child with a food issue, this is a particularly refined form of torture.

You're having a great time playing with your friend, the mum is nice, then she makes tea and suddenly you are in HELL. You really dont want to make a fuss, but you simply cannot eat what they are eating. You dont want to be difficult so you ask if you could just have some bread and butter - friend's mum goes into the "dont you like such and such scenario" and you have become the centre of attention for SOMETHING YOU REALLY CANT HELP.

please if you dont want to feed a 'fussy' kid, either dont invite them for a meal; or check with mum what they might eat but dont be surprised if they cant eat it because its 'not the same' but please please dont single them out for it, or point that "Tarquin is eating it and he's 2 years younger than you" or any other kind of 'encouragement'.

It DOES NOT WORK AND DOES NOT HELP! sorry for shouting, but I really feel strongly about this. I'm not fussy, but DD1 is; she hates being fussy but until she is ready to confront her demons she doesn't need it highlighted.

It doesn't help, if anything it makes things worse and isn't your place as a non parent. I remember my father not letting me leave the table for hours until I had eaten my cabbage, still won't eat the bloody stuff now.

Although i was never taught to clear my plate (I didn't have to eat every last bit) I was taught it was rude to not eat something someone has made for you, and I still think it is to this day. I forced all sorts down as a child, its easily doable. my parents would've been embarrassed if someone had cooked for me and I refused to eat it, ruining their family meal.

Likeaninjanow - I would ask you for a suitable recipe that I could cook for him. I like looking after guests so I would be more than happy to make him something he would enjoy. I was a chef in a previous life and I quite enjoy the challenge of providing meals for people with "special diets"
If he had a nut allergy otoh I would ask you to provide something safe as I use a lot of nuts in my kitchen.

If the child had allergies I'd ask the mother to tell me what they could eat and make that.

for others- They won't "eat it or starve" because you can't starve in a few hours. They might have to eat something else when they get home though.

i would think a fussy adult rude and hope they'd not accept a dinner invite but suggest a resturant instead (not rude). there are ways of managing these situations.

If I had an adult guest as fussy as some of these examples (many foods offered, doesn't like any/carrots cut wrong/not the way my mum makes it), once would be enough - they wouldn't be asked back

I doubt they'd want to come back with and attitude like that

RE allergies - it'll be fine, my ds has a nut allergy along with his best mates ( 3 in one class!) but as long as you explain properly I've not had a problem :)

someone said "I would insist he try a little bit". For a child with a food issue, this is a particularly refined form of torture I completely agree, it's not up to you to 'insist' they try a bit of anything.

Interesting how many of the "he would eat my food or go hungry" lot have very young children / babies.

When my DS was 2yo he would eat many things that he won't eat now. And I wouldn't say he is an extremely fussy eater, but he has definitely stopped eating eg potatoes and rice which he used to eat.

Mme yes, ds would wolf any old thing down up to the age of about 2 as well.

i always ask the parents what their child likes/dislikes, and if necessary i will just do pizza with some carrots, cucumber, celery, tomotoes and a dip as well and then serve something like ice cream or custard with fruit as a pudding, thats healthy enough i think.

my kids will eat anything, tho ds4 has been a horribly fussy eater and we have gone down the route we did with the others, if you dont eat it there is nothing else. now at 3yrs 8mths he is getting much better, we just sit at the table together, if he didnt eat anything no comment was made, but when he tries something we praised him and slowly he has improved.

mine would eat all that is mentioned in the op, but they are active, growing boys ages 12, 9, almost 7, and 3, dd is 11mths and eats pretty much anything at the moment. all have gone through fussy stages, but sn and allergies aside then fussy eating is not something i pander to for your average nt child they will not starve if they dont eat dinner and when my boys go to others for dinner i say they will eat pretty much anything but if not dont make them something else, it wont hurt them not to have dinner!

serenitysutton it is NOT about the child being rude, it's about the child being physically/mentally/emotionally INCAPABLE of eating that food. It could be manna from heaven to someone else, if that child can't face the idea of eating it then making him or her do so for the sake of manners, or any other reason in fact, is just plain CRUEL.

I know its a PITA, I live with it day in day out and have done since the day DD1 turned 12 months, and she is now 15. Our situation is made worse by DH and his side of the family being complete foodies, who cannot even think of understanding that DD1 just can't bring herself to eat what 99.999% of other people do. For some kids (and some adults) it's just a weird kink in the head that prevents them enjoying what seems totally normal to others. I'm sure she'll grow out of it; in the meantime we work on things she CAN eat with others so that there is not an embarassment factor.

Am I the only one with a child who won't ever, ever eat pizza, then?

(Or spag bol, or fish pie, or baked potato, or cheese toastie sandwiches, or ketchup, or sauce of any kind, or gravy, or... but especially not pizza!)

Lance

Ds won't eat baked beans - too tomatoey, or ketchup and has only just started liking pizza but that has to be ham and pineapple or pepperoni.

He would quite happily eat fish pie and loves HAM toastie but DEFINITELY no sauce or gravy - along with most of dh's family who all love their food 'dry.'

My dd used to eat everything as a baby, and got gradually more fussy as she got older. She seems to eat school lunches - as far as I can tell - but she has a fear of mince in all its forms and a dislike of "wet" food in general. So she will eat fish, pasta (no sauce), rice, omelettes, chicken, potatoes, carrots, sweetcorn, peas, ham, fruit etc

I can not induce her to eat casserole,stew, pie etc in any way shape or form. If she has ketchup on her plate, it must not be touching the food. If it is something unfamiliar I can get her to try it but the drama that generally ensues means it's not worth the stress. It is a nightmare trying to think of family meals as we tend to like curries, casseroles, sausages etc in the winter and she won't touch them.

She is generally more adventurous when with other children are present.

They don't want to eat it- that's not the same as being physically unable to. I remember eating a carrot, hiding it in my mouth then spitting it down the loo as a child rather than say "don't like carrots, need you to make me another snack" not pleasant but I wasn't UNABLE to eat it, and was too polite to refuse it. I would suggest no child is, unless they are unable to understand the concept of not offending people, or cannot eat it because they are allergic/ intolerant, in which case, as mentioned many times- That is understandable. Be as fussy as you like in your own house, noone cares about that.

I used to be able to list the foods my dd1 would eat on my fingers, thankfully she is getting better and seems less scared to at least try new things recently. I agree forcing the issue just makes it worse with a child who has an actual fear though. from the age 2-5 yrs she would only eat-

Pasta twirls with red pesto
cereal
bread and bread products (croissants, brioche etc.)
peas
smoothies (only way to get any fruit into her)
macdonalds cheeseburger
grated chedder cheese
raspberry yoghurt

That was it! I used to tell people just to give her pasta pesto but it would always end up being the wrong shaped pasta or wrong pesto, it really was embarrassing. Thankfully as mentioned earlier she is getting much better.

I have a fussy friend who brings pizza and chocolate sponge for everyone when you invite her for dinner. If you go to a restuarant she doesn't like she sits there and eats nothing. I find it intensley irritating and bad mannered, but I like her so just never invite her round for dinner. We go to bella pasta, te only restaurant she likes. It's annoying that her fussiness dictates the nightbut heyho.

I remember being a fussy eater as a child (now as an adult I will eat pretty much anything.)

I remember the absolute panic of having to sit at a dinner table and try to eat something that a friend's mother had cooked. I was very shy, I was very polite, but I really truly could not have forced some of the things down for a million pounds.

It was always incredibly traumatic - it's not really always a question of "take it or leave it, eat what I cook or starve". I would always have preferred the starve option, but I knew it was rude, I always tried so hard , I was always defeated, and absolutely mortified by the fact that I couldn't clear my plate. Even foods that were "familiar" were somehow different at someone else's house, and their portions always seemed absolutely giant.

I would say if there is something that you know the child will eat, just serve them that. Give a small portion, and they can ask for seconds if they want it, or even better, put the food in the middle and let them take as much or as little as they want.

And don't underestimate how stressful mealtimes in an unfamiliar environment can be for some children, they aren't doing it just to be annoying. I would have given anything to be able to just eat what was put in front of me, but I really, physically couldn't.

serenity - sorry, I'm not having a go at you, but your story about spitting the carrot down the loo is one of the big reasons that I have NEVER forced DD1 to eat something she doesnt want to - to me, that sounds as if it could be start of an eating disorder (don't mean you have one, obv).

But if someone forced a child into that kind of situation, where they had to go and spit food down the loo, I just think it is cruel, and bullying behaviour by the adults involved, and that there is a potentially very serious problem ahead.

cinnamonstar I like your post.

It's not cruel or bullying - it wasn't taught or expected, it was a way of getting out of eating it. I couldn't be further away from a ED and have the healthiest relationship with food/ her body of any woman I've ever met. I think that's a bit dramatic tbh.

Out of interest- if you want to another adults house for dinner and it was disgusting- not dangerously cooked, not soemthing you dislike, but disgusting-would you tell them you didn't like it and leave it? Because even now, I would force what I could down to spare their feelings. I ask with the caveat that there are plenty of rude adults and children about, and many of them will be knocking about on mumsnet thinking they're not rude at all, but I'd still be interested to know.

OK, you sussed out a way of not eating something you didn't like and dealt with it, which is highly admirable! (and I didn't suggest that you had any kind of eating disorder).

With a child with food phobia (for want of a better name), they would be actually not able to put something they were not 100% comfortable with in their mouth in the first place. So if ANOther adult was 'powerful' enough to make them overcome that terror, and they had to resort to what you did, IMO that would be quite a dangerous route to take.

I dont think anyone really knows what this kind of food issue is about, but if control is involved then I think allowing the child some control at the early stage - so they dont have to confront the demon that is the baked bean/mince/whatever - might save an awful lot of heartache later.

And yes, as an adult, if served a disgusting meal at someone's house of course I would be polite. But I'm 50, and I don't have a food phobia, and no one would really be pressuring me to eat it anyway - I'm sure I could hide loads of it under my fork or on DH's plate!

I'm of the 'eat what you're given' school as well. In this case I'd just not invite him for meals. Save you both the stress.

You said in your OP the child eats beans on toast - so give them that. It's not about coming round for tea is it? It's coming round for a play which a meal interrupts does it really matter what they eat?