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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I'm more important than a cat?

140 replies

Listzilla · 23/11/2011 19:52

Right, I'll try and keep this shortish and factual.

DH feeds a crew of stray cats outside our house. One of them was abandoned by a previous neighbour and he's particularly attached to her; she's grey with white mittens and a bib (he's always loved cats like that), she's pretty and dainty and well mannered and friendly. She had a kitten a couple of months ago in a cardboard box in our garden but it died. Now she's pregnant again. He wants to adopt her before the cold weather or her kitten arrives, because he feels sorry for her.

I don't want to adopt her, for the following reasons:

  • We can't be 100% certain of her state of health, and I'm pregnant and vulnerable.
  • I can't face another kitten dying, it was horrible last time. I've been hospitalised twice in this pregnancy with blood pressure problems, and really need not to get upset.
  • We have two rescued cats already and they don't like her, nor she them. Our cats have already had to adjust to DD, who's 17 months, and there'll be another baby in February - that's enough upheaval for them!
  • I think two cats is enough, financially and practically speaking.

DH keeps letting the cat into the house. Every time he thinks I'm not paying attention, she's in the kitchen eating out of our cats' bowl. One morning I got up early and she was sitting on the landing - DH wasn't up so she had clearly been in all night. He admits that the last time I was in hospital, he let her live in the house.

We've argued again and again about this, and each time he offers the same defences:

  • 'But I feel sorry for her'
  • 'I think you secretly like her'

Tonight she was in the kitchen with him while I put DD to bed. We had the same conversation again - 'but I feel sorry for her!'. I told him to choose between her and me, and he said he can't stop bringing her in, because he'll always feel sorry for her.

I threw him out.

I don't know what to think.

It's not even remotely about the stupid blasted cat any more. It's about him not giving a shit about what I think. It's about him raising my blood pressure when I'm being monitored for preeclampsia, for the sake of a bloody stray cat.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should be more important than the cat?

OP posts:
WhiteTrash · 23/11/2011 19:55

If it was me, Id get her checked out at the vets, get het fleaed wormed and vaccinated. Adopt her until the kitten arrives, then find her a new loving safe home and a home for her kitten.

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 23/11/2011 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBeagleEyes · 23/11/2011 19:59

Can you not call a cat rescue for her?

abbierhodes · 23/11/2011 19:59

I think you are way, way over reacting! You threw him out over being too caring?
If your blood pressure is raised by a cat then you have issues, tbh.

Hassled · 23/11/2011 20:00

Options are:
a) keep her. You don't want this and your reasons are completely valid - existing cats, pregnancy etc.
b) let her continue to be a stray. Not fair or right and your DH will keep sneaking her in.
c) find the number of the local Cats Protection League and they will take her and try to rehome.

Go for c). And yes, I see that it's about more than the cat and is actually all about a failure to take your views into account, and I see why you're upset, but in the meantime you need to sort out the cat.

LadyBeagleEyes · 23/11/2011 20:01

Sorry, missed the bit where you threw him out. Shock.

Kayzr · 23/11/2011 20:01

You threw him out for being a kind and caring person? You are kidding aren't you?

Find your local cat rescue and contact them. They would be able to help.

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 20:03

How do you manage to actually throw an adult out of his own home?

Why didn't he take her to a rescue center as soon as she gave birth or before?

slavetofilofax · 23/11/2011 20:03

YANBU, although throwing him out may have been a tad extreme.

When he is at work take the cat to a shelter somewhere far away.

soandsosmummy · 23/11/2011 20:03

Sorry YABU - obviously you are more important than cat but FGS this is a pregnant cat that has alreadly lost her kittens. At the least take her to the vet and ask them to find someone to care for her.

I assume if you've thrown him out that goes far far deeper than a cat and I really hope that you can sort things out. I'm sorry you're going through such a horrible time

MenopausalHaze · 23/11/2011 20:04

This absolutely has to be a fairy story! You threw you husband out? For that? If I were your husband I'd bloody stay out - you sound a little bit horrible!

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 20:05

Perhaps her Husband came straight back in through the cat flap MHaze and he's curled up on the bed as we type.....

jendot · 23/11/2011 20:06

Aww where are you? Id take her and kittens in and give them a loving home :-) can't bear to think of her having kittens in the cold winter without a warm home.
Either take her in or re-home her!

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/11/2011 20:06

No WAY!

You threw your husband out for wanting a cat?

Fucking hell.

Vicky2011 · 23/11/2011 20:07

I can provide a loving home.

For your husband.

ChaoticAngel · 23/11/2011 20:08

YANBU to be annoyed at your DH. I'd be pissed off if I had one that ignored me and dismissed my feelings too.

YABU to throw him out though and you need to do something about the cat, maybe by phoning Cats Protection as a pp has suggested.

notjustme · 23/11/2011 20:09

Must admit that this reply is coming from an avid animal lover, so possibly slightly biased rather than neutral, but I think you would do better if you try to compromise with him - you don't mention whether you have tried to do this and I think YABSlightlyU if you haven't.

Do you have a garage, a shed, a front porch, a room that leads direct to your back garden, or similar? Could you not suggest that whilst you don't want to have the cat as a permanent house cat, that he could set her up a bed and food area in an outhouse or wherever you can manage? Or could you convince him to hand her into rescue?

The cat's health issue is easily solved by getting her down to a vet and getting her tested and then vaccinated.

The previous kitten dying was as likely to be down to the fact that there was only one, rather than anything particularly wrong with her. One kitten can sometimes survive but it can also mean that the mother doesn't doesn't lactate enough. It doesn't mean that this litter would be a failure (although I think there is a higher chance if she stays outside).

Of course, the other option is to take her to a vet and ask them to spay her and abort the kittens - I'm not, before anyone tries to accuse me of it, saying that this is what I would do but certainly it is what my parents did when they took in a stray that was pregnant and didn't want the kittens.

The bigger picture is that this poor cat needs someone to look after her, either way - this is one of the worst times of the year for an animal to be trying to survive in the wild, let alone raise a litter as well. Even if she goes on to have the litter, she needs to be spayed either by a rescue or by your DP, because otherwise this situation will keep rearing it's ugly head.

weevilswobble · 23/11/2011 20:11

Its lovely that he's so soft and empathetic. Just get the cat to a vet for a good check over and you've got his xmas pressie sorted. Our lovely tabby was the best 'xmas pressie' we ever had!

eurochick · 23/11/2011 20:11

I think your pregnancy hormones might just be affecting your judgement a bit.... Your poor husband. That poor cat. :(

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/11/2011 20:12

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that quite a few of those 'stray' cats are probably not stray at all.

I wish people would stop bloody feeding cats.

But still Shock at you chucking your OH out.

Andrewofgg · 23/11/2011 20:13

YANBU.

I like cats bit that does not matter; this damned cat does not matter; you matter.

Tell him firmly: no cat. End of. And mean it. TNS.

notjustme · 23/11/2011 20:14

Just want to add that if DP told me to leave over an animal that needed my help I'd go too, and take the cat! The cat can't solve her own situation, she needs a human to do it for her and that's your DP.

MissMerrynder · 23/11/2011 20:14

YY, MrsDV someone was feeding my kitty milk! Gross, dude, he's so allergic to it, it's unreal. I had to keep him in for a month to get them to stop.

He always came back smelling of chip fat as well...

zukiecat · 23/11/2011 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickydoo · 23/11/2011 20:16

No one is more important than a cat......so says mine....:)

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