to think that I'm more important than a cat?

[Listzilla]

Right, I'll try and keep this shortish and factual.

DH feeds a crew of stray cats outside our house. One of them was abandoned by a previous neighbour and he's particularly attached to her; she's grey with white mittens and a bib (he's always loved cats like that), she's pretty and dainty and well mannered and friendly. She had a kitten a couple of months ago in a cardboard box in our garden but it died. Now she's pregnant again. He wants to adopt her before the cold weather or her kitten arrives, because he feels sorry for her.

I don't want to adopt her, for the following reasons:

• We can't be 100% certain of her state of health, and I'm pregnant and vulnerable.
• I can't face another kitten dying, it was horrible last time. I've been hospitalised twice in this pregnancy with blood pressure problems, and really need not to get upset.
• We have two rescued cats already and they don't like her, nor she them. Our cats have already had to adjust to DD, who's 17 months, and there'll be another baby in February - that's enough upheaval for them!
• I think two cats is enough, financially and practically speaking.

DH keeps letting the cat into the house. Every time he thinks I'm not paying attention, she's in the kitchen eating out of our cats' bowl. One morning I got up early and she was sitting on the landing - DH wasn't up so she had clearly been in all night. He admits that the last time I was in hospital, he let her live in the house.

We've argued again and again about this, and each time he offers the same defences:

• 'But I feel sorry for her'
• 'I think you secretly like her'

Tonight she was in the kitchen with him while I put DD to bed. We had the same conversation again - 'but I feel sorry for her!'. I told him to choose between her and me, and he said he can't stop bringing her in, because he'll always feel sorry for her.

I threw him out.

I don't know what to think.

It's not even remotely about the stupid blasted cat any more. It's about him not giving a shit about what I think. It's about him raising my blood pressure when I'm being monitored for preeclampsia, for the sake of a bloody stray cat.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should be more important than the cat?

No you should not get stressed, but you have admitted yourself, that the cat is not what is causing the stress.

You need to sort out your other issues and help the cat. I do believe I have posted that before.

Phone the credit companies and change the bills over or make DH do it now. Speak to his parents yourself or make him do it now.

I like the idea of the deal. Tell him that the cat can come in IF (a) he tells the ILs their dog is no longer welcome, and why (not saying "oh, Listzilla's just making a fuss...") AND (b) he rings all relevant companies in front of you and changes all correspondence to English.

The cat certainly needs to be re-housed, properly. I think if your husband was really concerned about her welfare he'd have recognised this, and that your house isn't the best place for her in the long-term, a long time ago.

I do feel sorry for your other cats and see the cat / toddler / baby dynamic as a potential nightmare. I once had to take my cat to stay with other cat-owners and this only worked because one stayed in the house, the others were habitually confined the the kitchen and outdoors, so they never met.

If you could make such arrangements (probably not if your cats go out) and bear it, a compromise might be to allow the cat to have her kittens in your kitchen, then get them all re-housed. Your toddler would probably find the kittens delightful and it would add perspective to the 'having babies' experience for her.

That may well not be practical though and the poor cat needs some stability, as do you, which is why, if I were you, I'd have asked a sympathetic neighbour to take her on, or called the local animal shelter, before now.

Lottiegb, if you'd read my posts you'd see that we have, in fact, tried the local rescues. Nowhere has a vacancy, except one place which allows their cats to run free and get run over, so she's not going there.

None of the neighbours are willing to take her. In fact, no-one we've spoken to in the last few months has wanted to - and I mean no-one. DH has asked EVERYONE he's met, in work, around the village, even randomers he gets into conversation with in the supermarket. He managed to rehome one kitten from another cat's litter with a guy who came around offering to clean the gutters. He's trying, believe me!

The reason she wasn't spayed after the last litter was that he asked the vet about it on the phone after the kitten died. She said to bring her down in a few weeks but that there was no rush because it was too late in the year for her to have another litter. It was the vet's decision, not neglect on DH's part.

The toddler-kitten thing won't work. She's 17 months and hasn't learned yet to be gentle all the time. We're working on it, and our cats are willing to put up with a certain amount before running away so we can practice, but I wouldn't risk it with either a kitten or a new mother of a kitten. There are too many ways in which that could go badly wrong.

You don't want your husband to adopt the cat because it was stressful for you when the cat's kitten died. The cat is pregnant again, and you are worried that if he adopts the cat, you will find it stressful if it's kittens die, but you are happy for the kittens to die out in the cold as long as you don't have to see them?

You should separate yourself from these cats...you sound more than a little bit insecure to me. I am sure that your husband cares about you more than he cares about the cats, but you are asking him to fundamentally change an aspect of himself; that he is a caring person who doesn't want animals to starve in the cold, when maybe you should appreciate him for that quality instead of chucking him out. Him feeding the cat doesn't really harm you that much does it?

I think you know that there's more going on here than the cat thing, stop comparing yourself to a cat for a start. If your husband keeps feeding this cat, you'll be a bit annoyed, or very annoyed, but perhaps that is your own overreaction and you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think that you are getting yourself worked up about it and that is what will cause you stress rather than the cat itself. You can't blame that on your husband. I think you need to calm down, take some time out and work on not getting so stressed out over small things. If you are this stressed because your husband has fed a cat, think about what something worse might do to you?

On the other hand if your husband doesn't feed the cat, it might starve or freeze to death. I think you're being a bit selfish and absolute about the whole thing. Compromise works both ways, assuming you live in the UK call up a no kill shelter who will take care of the cat and spay her once she's had her kittens who will be vaccinated and find new homes. It's the compassionate thing to do.

OP, having read your replies, can you catch the cat and just sort of...take her in to a rescue? Someone somewhere will take the cat. Do you or your DH drive? There are lots of cat lover forums and rescues have websites with forums attached, I am sure there is someone within a hundred miles who would care enough to collect the cat.

Right, I hadn't read all your posts because the thread is long and I have this simplistic idea that responding to the original post is what is being asked of us.

Did you see my earlier response? Based only on your original post, I was sympathetic. Beyond that I was just throwing in a few thoughts / suggestions, which don't require a response (or could just say 'these points covered earlier'). Up to you if you want to respond of course but I'm concerned that you may be getting stressed by feeling you have to justify yourself to us. You don't. Take or leave the suggestions offered. We can only ever have a limited understanding of your situation.

Re-housing sounds tricky (any other shelters further afield?). Your welfare remains more important. I do get a sense of joint enterprise and solidarity with your husband about the previous attempts at re-housing, which is quite cheering, given the wider picture.

So who's looking after the cat now your DH isn't living with you any more?

makachu, it's not about feeding the cat. He's been feeding 6 of them (Duchess, Orange Cat, Tux, Squeak, Russell and Blackie - see, I even know their names, it's not that I'm anti-cats) twice a day all year, I don't mind in the least, I'm happy that they're being kept fed and healthy. I go out and feed them myself when he's in work and I'm not.

It's the fact that he's letting a stray cat into the house behind my back to live there that's the problem.

Worra, he was only gone an hour, so they're still being fed, and in any case I do it myself when he's not here. You don't need to lose sleep over it.

will try reposting (mumsnet grr) sorry been out all day, when the kitten is born just try to find out if the kit is breathing and warm without touching it too much, then leave them both alone as too much human contact could make mom reject the kit, and switch moms biscuits to queen (royal canine is a good brand) at about three to four weeks put some mashed up kitten food on a shallow saucer in the bunker the kit will start to wean itself, if it dosent put a little on the end of your finger to get the kit interested she should be ok to go to your friend who is adopting her at around six to seven weeks for spaying as the kit wont be going to the milk bar so much by then, anything advice wise im sure your vet friend will advise

Just updating to say that Duchess and her bump have gone to live on the vet's assistant's nice warm couch. Hurray : )

Excellent result! Thanks for telling us, I was a bit concerned you might have found some of our comments, combined with there being no obvious home for the cat, more stressful than helpful. Here's to a relaxing remainder of your pregnancy.

" It's about him raising my blood pressure "

I think you're doing a very good job of raising your own blood pressure.

and YABVU

Sorry, my comment was hastily posted and a bit unfair on you ....please ignore.