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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I'm more important than a cat?

140 replies

Listzilla · 23/11/2011 19:52

Right, I'll try and keep this shortish and factual.

DH feeds a crew of stray cats outside our house. One of them was abandoned by a previous neighbour and he's particularly attached to her; she's grey with white mittens and a bib (he's always loved cats like that), she's pretty and dainty and well mannered and friendly. She had a kitten a couple of months ago in a cardboard box in our garden but it died. Now she's pregnant again. He wants to adopt her before the cold weather or her kitten arrives, because he feels sorry for her.

I don't want to adopt her, for the following reasons:

We can't be 100% certain of her state of health, and I'm pregnant and vulnerable.
I can't face another kitten dying, it was horrible last time. I've been hospitalised twice in this pregnancy with blood pressure problems, and really need not to get upset.
We have two rescued cats already and they don't like her, nor she them. Our cats have already had to adjust to DD, who's 17 months, and there'll be another baby in February - that's enough upheaval for them!
I think two cats is enough, financially and practically speaking.

DH keeps letting the cat into the house. Every time he thinks I'm not paying attention, she's in the kitchen eating out of our cats' bowl. One morning I got up early and she was sitting on the landing - DH wasn't up so she had clearly been in all night. He admits that the last time I was in hospital, he let her live in the house.

We've argued again and again about this, and each time he offers the same defences:

'But I feel sorry for her'
'I think you secretly like her'

Tonight she was in the kitchen with him while I put DD to bed. We had the same conversation again - 'but I feel sorry for her!'. I told him to choose between her and me, and he said he can't stop bringing her in, because he'll always feel sorry for her.

I threw him out.

I don't know what to think.

It's not even remotely about the stupid blasted cat any more. It's about him not giving a shit about what I think. It's about him raising my blood pressure when I'm being monitored for preeclampsia, for the sake of a bloody stray cat.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should be more important than the cat?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 23/11/2011 20:40

Also, why do you get to decide that two cats are enough.

Everything seems to have to be on your terms and your husband is in the wrong whatever he does. If you hated cats I could understand it a bit more, but clearly that isnt the case.

Original poster

Listzilla · 23/11/2011 20:41

Squeaky, by 'my' cats, I mean the ones we already have. They're more his than mine. They also sleep in our bed because he insists, even though I have asthma and they make me wheeze horribly. In fact in the early days of our having them, when I was first diagnosed with asthma, I was told by doctors not to let the cats in the room; DH used to lie to me and tell me that he'd closed the door when he hadn't, or close it, wait till I was asleep, then open it and let them in, and i'd wake, wheezing, to find them on my pillow.

I suppose there's a history here that's clouding my judgement.

OP posts:

QuintesentialShadows · 23/11/2011 20:42

Yabu.

Catownership for him is obviously as important to him, as him not owning a cat is for you. You made him chose between you and cat. He wouldnt. So you chose for him, and kicked him out! I would say that you are equally as good at not listening to the other persons opinion!

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 20:44

Why can't you be 100% certain of her state of health OP?

hiddenhome · 23/11/2011 20:44

.....and your redeeming features are?

Perhaps your dh let them onto your pillow because he was trying to tell you something or trying to bump you off!

msrisotto · 23/11/2011 20:45

DH used to lie to me and tell me that he'd closed the door when he hadn't, or close it, wait till I was asleep, then open it and let them in, and i'd wake, wheezing, to find them on my pillow.

Fucking Hell that's dangerous!

squeakytoy · 23/11/2011 20:45

This is a bit of a drip feed to be honest then. Its not just about the stray cat, is it?.

I would be angry too if I were you and he was doing this with the bed, that is selfish and quite disrespectful.

WoodenElephant · 23/11/2011 20:45

Jesus christ, the cat is the least of your problems judging by your last post. Get rid of the husband. He sounds like a twat.

notjustme · 23/11/2011 20:45

The thing is, he obviously does give a shit about what you think as otherwise he wouldn't sneak around behind your back - he would just tell you that she's moving in and that it's tough shit if you don't like it. I would be more understanding to your situation if there was actually a real problem here but there isn't - the cat is not ill, the cat is vaccinated and wormed, the cat is in need of help, it's pregnant, it already has a home arranged once it's had the kitten, it's not like he is advocating keeping it forever, he has the support of a vet who is willing to spay, obviously it's been in the house before and your existing cats haven't imploded (and would most likely operate on the basis of avoiding each other, like a lot of cats who live together). She would probably be spayed and in her new home before your next baby arrives, so there's no issue with her around the new baby. Finance wise he is already feeding her, and the vet is already treating her, so where is the extra cost from opening the back door and letting her walk in?

So with all that said, just what is so bad about her moving in that means that it's worth you getting so upset over it and throwing him out? Or is it now just the principle of it?

DooinMeCleanin · 23/11/2011 20:45

I have asthma. I am allergic to cats. My cat sleeps where he likes. I clean regularly and make sure I have inhalers to hand. I've the cat ten years and last time I checked I was still breathing.

Your DH sounds to be very caring. I could not leave an animal out in the cold no matter what was at steak. I would leave my partner if he expected me to.

You seem to be very controlling. Is everything your way or no way at all?

notjustme · 23/11/2011 20:48

Well having just read your post before I would be pissed off about the bedroom door too, and that would be worth getting upset over, but not the addition of a needy cat.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 23/11/2011 20:48

YABU.

You like cats. You accept your/his cats. Cats sleep in your bed. New cat has been taken to the vet, checked over and treated. You are highly unlikely to catch anything from new cat that you couldn't get from the others, and if you don't go near cat litter, and wash your hands after touching any of the cats, you will be fine. You are whinging about a non-issue as far as that is concerned.

You may have a point that he has more time for the cats than for you, but the way to deal with that is to be adult and talk with him, not to treat him like an unwanted cat. It sounds as though you have very little respect for his point of view, and I can understand him turning to cats for comfort. Better cats than another woman or drink.

minimisschief · 23/11/2011 20:51

i think if anyone ever said choose between me or something i would quite happily choose the alternative no matter how stupid it was. Cannot stand people that controlling.

He should have thrown you out tbh.

squeakytoy · 23/11/2011 20:53

The cats seem more important than the kids..

notjustme · 23/11/2011 20:56

I don't see where he's done anything to slight the kids, squeakytoy - OP certainly doesn't mention that the kids are suffering from the excess of cat?

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 20:56

So in a nutshell...

You'd rather your own children grew up without their Dad in their home (depending of course on who gets custody...and assuming he doesn't come back) than allow this cat a few months in your home to wean her kitten before the Vet's staff gives her a permanent home?

Your reason's being you have asthma and you can't be sure of the cat's health even though you already have two cats anyway and the cat has been checked by a vet?

HauntyMython · 23/11/2011 20:58

He lets the cats sleep on your pillow even though it makes you wheeze? Not so caring, IMO.

What else does he disregard about your feelings OP? You said it is more than the cat, so... What is it?

boschy · 23/11/2011 20:59

Have you considered finding a reputable rescue centre for your husband? Poor chap...

I think YABVU.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/11/2011 21:01

So you didnt think it might be relevant to your OP to mention that you are in fact allergic to cats?

Really? You just went for the 'my OH wants another cat so I kicked him out' line?

FFS

Original poster

Listzilla · 23/11/2011 21:03

squeakytoy, yes, total drip feed, sorry. It can't possibly make sense without the back story, and what the hell, I've no-one else to talk to tonight but cats, so here's a quick summary of the last 10 years:

He let the cats into the bedroom every night despite being told it was bad for my health. He lied about it.

He has borrowed money behind my back to buy crap that we couldn't afford. More than once. He lied about that too.

He insists on getting bills and forms in irish even though I can't understand it and therefore have no idea what's going on. He said he'd change them to english but he lied about that, too, because it hasn't happened.

He's a softie about animals? Yes, so much so that won't tell his parents to stop bringing their dog to our house. It pisses on everything, it chases the cats and terrifies them, and it's bitten two of their other grandchildren. He promised me when DD was tiny that he'd stop them bringing it because I was afraid it'd bite her too, and he lied about that too, because it still gets brought.

If I come across as controlling, maybe it's because I'm trying frantically to feel that I am in control of something, because as things stand, I have bugger all control over anything.

OP posts:

Hassled · 23/11/2011 21:05

I think your husband is behaving like a wanker, and I love cats. Does he always just do whatever the fuck he wants regardless of other people's opinions? Has he ever taken your opinion into account re anything - I mean are cats the only weak spot?

And it's not "oh, the poor sweetie DH - he can't help it if he loves the fluffy animals sooo much" - this is a man who continues to ignore the (very valid) concerns of his wife, and lies about what he's doing.

Hassled · 23/11/2011 21:06

What are his redeeming features? Do you still manage to have a laugh together, etc?

Original poster

Listzilla · 23/11/2011 21:07

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere, okay, yes, I'm allergic to cats and have asthma, plus a compromised immune system because I'm diabetic and have liver disease, which is why I'm so worried about my health. Sorry, didn't realise how much of the life story was necessary.

OP posts:

WoodenElephant · 23/11/2011 21:08

ok he is obviously a dick.

He gets the bills in a different language?

Get rid of him.

I'd have the cat over the husband - and I dislike cats.

Original poster

Listzilla · 23/11/2011 21:09

Hassled, yes, we actually do. He's actually a nice guy - as proven by his inability to let a cat be anything less than totally content - just doesn't think. At all. I think.

OP posts:

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