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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I'm more important than a cat?

140 replies

Listzilla · 23/11/2011 19:52

Right, I'll try and keep this shortish and factual.

DH feeds a crew of stray cats outside our house. One of them was abandoned by a previous neighbour and he's particularly attached to her; she's grey with white mittens and a bib (he's always loved cats like that), she's pretty and dainty and well mannered and friendly. She had a kitten a couple of months ago in a cardboard box in our garden but it died. Now she's pregnant again. He wants to adopt her before the cold weather or her kitten arrives, because he feels sorry for her.

I don't want to adopt her, for the following reasons:

  • We can't be 100% certain of her state of health, and I'm pregnant and vulnerable.
  • I can't face another kitten dying, it was horrible last time. I've been hospitalised twice in this pregnancy with blood pressure problems, and really need not to get upset.
  • We have two rescued cats already and they don't like her, nor she them. Our cats have already had to adjust to DD, who's 17 months, and there'll be another baby in February - that's enough upheaval for them!
  • I think two cats is enough, financially and practically speaking.

DH keeps letting the cat into the house. Every time he thinks I'm not paying attention, she's in the kitchen eating out of our cats' bowl. One morning I got up early and she was sitting on the landing - DH wasn't up so she had clearly been in all night. He admits that the last time I was in hospital, he let her live in the house.

We've argued again and again about this, and each time he offers the same defences:

  • 'But I feel sorry for her'
  • 'I think you secretly like her'

Tonight she was in the kitchen with him while I put DD to bed. We had the same conversation again - 'but I feel sorry for her!'. I told him to choose between her and me, and he said he can't stop bringing her in, because he'll always feel sorry for her.

I threw him out.

I don't know what to think.

It's not even remotely about the stupid blasted cat any more. It's about him not giving a shit about what I think. It's about him raising my blood pressure when I'm being monitored for preeclampsia, for the sake of a bloody stray cat.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should be more important than the cat?

OP posts:
DooinMeCleanin · 23/11/2011 21:09

Well actual reasons as to why you do not want the cat in the house would help us understand the op more, however, you have two cats already, so I don't get what difference a third would make.

I'd have kicked him for the rest of it, but not the cat.

notjustme · 23/11/2011 21:13

I agree with DooinMeCleanin - the cat (and him sneaking it in), is really not what you should have got medieval on him for!

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/11/2011 21:13

list seriously you didnt think that your medical vulnerabilty was relevant to your OP?

Why on earth would you portray yourself and an unhinged brat if you didnt need to?

Would it not have made more sense to say
'My OH is ignoring my long term medical conditions and the fact I am allergic to cats. He is insisting on getting another cat even though it will make me ill. AIBU to object and ask him to leave if he persists? This is not the only example of his insensitive and controlling behaviour'

Then you woudnt have to deal with lots of people telling you that you sound mental and people could have come straight in with a bit of advice and support.

Hardly asking for irrelevant life story really is it?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/11/2011 21:14

he does all this and what you throw him out over is the cat?

pet, sorry to be blunt but the cat is the least of your problems.

PierceDeere · 23/11/2011 21:16

Jeepers.

It's your husband you need to shut out of the bedroom, OP.

Original poster
Listzilla · 23/11/2011 21:19

Sorry, not seeing the wood for the trees at this stage. The other stuff I just gave up on, but the cat I'm putting the foot down about because I feel like crap at the moment anyway. I'm having a tough time with this pregnancy, I'm in pain and can hardly walk half the time, I'm a hormonal wreck, I spend my time in work either crying or falling asleep, and I'm terrifed that my blood pressure problems will hurt the baby. The last thing I need is stupid fights about a stupid cat.

Stupidly, though, he's right in a way, I do like the blasted animal, she's a sweetie and if it wasn't for all the other crap in my head at the moment I'd give it a go. But I just don't have the headspace.

OP posts:
naturalbaby · 23/11/2011 21:22

your 1st post - yabu, your last post - your dh needs his head examined.

the cat sounds gorgeous, i'd have her (and the kitten) if you lived in the midlands.

DooinMeCleanin · 23/11/2011 21:22

Well you can't leave her to have her kitten out in the cold so you need to think of something to do with her. Either in you home, the vet staff's home or a rescue. You cannot just leave her outside.

Sit your husband down and talk to then kick him out if doesn't start listening.

notjustme · 23/11/2011 21:23

You need to get serious about the things that matter - the bills, the money spending and the dog that bites, not the cat. The problem with throwing him out over the cat is that now you look hormonal and on edge, as it's rather an 'out there' issue to put your foot down on - to him (and as you've discovered, a lot of other people) it will just seem unreasonable.

You need to sort out the priorities - in reality the problems with your headspace are not going to go away with the cat.

AKMD · 23/11/2011 21:23

YANBU, even from just the first post. You are the main priority here, not the cat. I would probably let him look after her (not in the house) until after she's had the kitten, then go ahead with the vet's assistant route.

I would also be having marriage counselling.

Original poster
Listzilla · 23/11/2011 21:28

Just to repeat - I am absolutely letting him look after the cat. She gets fed wet food twice a day, has a 24 hour supply of dry food and water, gets cuddled frequently, has a snug bed of fleecy blankets in a coal bunker (which was bought specially for her!) and has been checked by the vet. It's not cold here these nights at all - we're in Ireland and it's stupidly warm for November.

The cat is fine.

OP posts:
MenopausalHaze · 23/11/2011 21:32

Anyone else waiting for 2 for a BINGO! ?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/11/2011 21:33

The cat is fine but what about you?

You have cats sleeping in your bedroom and you are allegic and have serious medical conditions.

They shouldnt be sleeping in your room and your OH shouldnt be insisting that they do.

Why do you think he isnt thinking about you more and those cats a bit less?

QuintesentialShadows · 23/11/2011 21:33

Actually Yanbu- YOu have bigger worries than the cat.

Original poster
Listzilla · 23/11/2011 21:38

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. Maybe I'm just horrible, I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Listzilla · 23/11/2011 21:41

And PLEASE someone explain the bingo comment to me.

OP posts:
AKMD · 23/11/2011 21:48

It's someone bidding for MN royalty status Wink

You aren't horrible, your DH is being thoyghtless and childish and disguising it as caring.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/11/2011 22:08

No you are not being horrible.

I love my animals but I have a child who is allergic so they are not even allowed upstairs let alone sleeping in the bedrooms.

I also found my beloved dogs a bit yucky when I was pregnant. Poor things but they are over it now Smile

Have you explained to him exactly how difficult it is for you to have the cats around?
Or do conversations about them always descend into emotionally charged rows?

If you have been clear with him then I really think he needs a kick up the arse. It is highly unreasonable to put your health at risk when there are easy steps that can be taken to make your life more comfortable without hurting the cats.

Is he one of those dozy doras who sort of breeze through life because they are allowed to get away with it?

I think it may be time to show him that he has to grow up a bit.

Its all very unfair on you.

helpmabob · 23/11/2011 22:27

I just need to add something to this. It can be a nightmare finding a rescue place. Everyone on here keeps saying just give the cat to a rescue centre, it doesn't work like that. We had a cat that had been abandoned that kept coming to our house. It was upsetting our already deeply neurotic pet cat and so we tried to find a rescue for it. We called the RSPCA, The Cat's Protection League, Batterseas and a million other places. They all refused to take the cat. I couldn't believe it. They were either full or only took animals that had been ill treated (abandonment doesnt count) and we were in despair. After weeks we finally found a rescue place three hours drive away that my dh had to drive to take cat to. It was very stressful as we would not abandon the cat too but we did need to find alternative care for it. The cat was rehomed but I still think about it.

So as the OP says there is not a rescue centre to take it to and I believe her.

helpmabob · 23/11/2011 22:28

Oh and I recommend couples counselling as this is a deep rooted problem in your relationship and it does sound as if your dh needed a sharp shock to make him actually listen to you.

I wish I could take the pregnant cat for you.

issey6cats · 23/11/2011 23:23

as helpmabob said it isnt as easy as people think to rehome a cat at a rescue center, i work for haworth cat rescue and at the moment they have 700 cats on thier waiting list all deserving and all needing rehoming, but generally speaking rescues will try to get pregnant cats sorted quicker than non pregnant ones,

at haworth if the cat is pregnant they have a network of foster moms who will look after the cat but they have to be experienced with pregnant cats and the birth process so there are less of them , if the cat has had her kittens they then go to a foster home till the kittens are ten weeks old, but once again is dependant on a foster mom being available and able to take the mom and kittens,

but please op it may be warm for november but this wont last long and being outside mom cat may decide that the lovely cosy bunker you have provided for her isnt what she wants and she may go and have the kitten somewhere else please try to either rehome her before she gives birth or find her a corner of your home to have her baby/babies

skybluepearl · 23/11/2011 23:30

I think you both have to agree to take on another cat - or it doesn't happen. You have lots on your plate at the mo and I don't blame you for not wanting any more especially when your cats don't even like the girl cat. Yes put your foot down. Maybe get a water spray and if she enters the house simply spray her. She won't like it and will get the mesg after quite a few sprays.

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 23:30

So who's going to look after the cat now you've thrown your DH out?

skybluepearl · 23/11/2011 23:33

can't stand all the lies either - can you not take charge and tell IL's that dog isn't welcome and put him on phone to change language from irish.

FabbyChic · 23/11/2011 23:35

YOu have a mouth you tell his parents not to bring the dog, why does he have to do it why can't you.

I can see your point about the cat tbh, it will be fine in the coal bunker, stick to your guns until the kitten is born.

Re the bills, ring and get them changed to English or learn to read Irish.

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