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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I'm more important than a cat?

140 replies

Listzilla · 23/11/2011 19:52

Right, I'll try and keep this shortish and factual.

DH feeds a crew of stray cats outside our house. One of them was abandoned by a previous neighbour and he's particularly attached to her; she's grey with white mittens and a bib (he's always loved cats like that), she's pretty and dainty and well mannered and friendly. She had a kitten a couple of months ago in a cardboard box in our garden but it died. Now she's pregnant again. He wants to adopt her before the cold weather or her kitten arrives, because he feels sorry for her.

I don't want to adopt her, for the following reasons:

  • We can't be 100% certain of her state of health, and I'm pregnant and vulnerable.
  • I can't face another kitten dying, it was horrible last time. I've been hospitalised twice in this pregnancy with blood pressure problems, and really need not to get upset.
  • We have two rescued cats already and they don't like her, nor she them. Our cats have already had to adjust to DD, who's 17 months, and there'll be another baby in February - that's enough upheaval for them!
  • I think two cats is enough, financially and practically speaking.

DH keeps letting the cat into the house. Every time he thinks I'm not paying attention, she's in the kitchen eating out of our cats' bowl. One morning I got up early and she was sitting on the landing - DH wasn't up so she had clearly been in all night. He admits that the last time I was in hospital, he let her live in the house.

We've argued again and again about this, and each time he offers the same defences:

  • 'But I feel sorry for her'
  • 'I think you secretly like her'

Tonight she was in the kitchen with him while I put DD to bed. We had the same conversation again - 'but I feel sorry for her!'. I told him to choose between her and me, and he said he can't stop bringing her in, because he'll always feel sorry for her.

I threw him out.

I don't know what to think.

It's not even remotely about the stupid blasted cat any more. It's about him not giving a shit about what I think. It's about him raising my blood pressure when I'm being monitored for preeclampsia, for the sake of a bloody stray cat.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should be more important than the cat?

OP posts:
wafflingworrier · 23/11/2011 20:17

YANBU AT ALL! i would chuck my husband out if he chose the cat over me too. because he's not just choosing the cat over you he's choosing it over your unborn child. irrelevant of whether or not he agrees with why you are stressed out by the cat+if you should be, the FACT is that you ARE stressed and this is putting your child at risk. as far as i'm concerned his number one priority has to be your child.

LadyBeagleEyes · 23/11/2011 20:18

Grin I knew you'd turn up Zukie.

Original poster
Listzilla · 23/11/2011 20:20

None of the good local rescues have vacancies, we've tried. There's one that would take her but they don't keep their cats in cages and they're beside a main road so the cats don't last long. I won't send her there. Our vet will take her and spay her, and her assistant will adopt her, but not till she's had the kitten (it's only one again). In the meantime she's been wormed, vaccinated and treated for en ear infection, and she's being fed and cuddled twice a day and is sleeping in a large pile of blankets in our coal bunker. Believe me, there are worse treated animals out there.

I repeat, though, this really isn't about the cat.

You really think that DH should be allowed to bring her in to live in the house, regardless of my feelings on the matter? That I'm being unreasonable to be annoyed that he has so little regard for my opinions?

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 23/11/2011 20:21

YANBU to not want the car. Chucking your dp out was going overboard though Confused

wicketkeeper · 23/11/2011 20:23

I'm going to wade in and defend the OP here. The cat's pregnant, she's pregnant - and yet her DH appears to be more bothered about the health and well-being of the cat than about her. I would be spitting tacks if I was her - and we have a cat!!

OP - the stray cat does not have to be your DH's problem - there are plenty of people in the world that will be happy to take her in. But you and your health are something that the DH should be concerned about. I hope your extreme reaction has brought this home to him. If he is truly concerned about you then he needs to arrange for the stray(s) to be taken to a re-homing centre. Now.

I also would not be happy at the thought of him going behind your back - keeping the cat in while you're in hospital etc. That's just treating you as if your opinion doesn't count. There may well be much more going on than just a falling out over a stray moggy - but rest assured it is not your hormones exaggerating the situation.

mamalovesmojitos · 23/11/2011 20:23

Cat! Not car. Sorry. I would be livid if my partner insisted on taking on an animal in my house against my strong wishes.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/11/2011 20:24

I think it is lovely that he cares so much about this poor little cat. However, he should understand your feelings too and not do anything that stresses you out like this. Your points about the effect on the other cats and affordability are both good ones! (if it was just about her health, it would be easy enough to get a vet to check her out!)

It isn't a case of let her in or keep her out, there is a third option - take her to a shelter. She'll be rehomed.

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 20:24

In the meantime she's been wormed, vaccinated and treated for en ear infection, and she's being fed and cuddled twice a day and is sleeping in a large pile of blankets in our coal bunker. Believe me, there are worse treated animals out there.

So what's your problem then?

Surely that's a great compromise, that you keep the cat until it's had the kitten Confused

Or are you not into compromise...preferring to 'throw your DH out' when you con't get your way? Hmm

Kayzr · 23/11/2011 20:24

Is it really going to cause that much of a problem to have her for a few weeks so she can have her kitten in a warm and safe environment?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/11/2011 20:25

sorry - x-post with you saying that you've already tried the rescues

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/11/2011 20:25

I am not sure why the OP thinks she is in danger though.

If it is toxoplasmosis you are concerned about I think you are over reacting massively.

If you dont touch the cat or handle its faeces you are not in danger. It doesnt leap from cat to human like a flea.

Besides you have two cats already and they are just as likely to be infected so I expect you would have already been tested if you are that concerned?

YANBU for being annoyed but you are being majorly unhinged to chuck your husband out over this.

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2011 20:26

And if she's been "wormed, vaccinated and treated for an ear infection"

How come you said.... "We can't be 100% certain of her state of health, and I'm pregnant and vulnerable"

Confused
Original poster
Listzilla · 23/11/2011 20:26

Worra, it's not me who's objecting to the current state of affairs. I'm happy enough that Duchess is well catered for now; it's bloody warm for November so I think she's fine as she is for now.

DH is insisting on letting her into the house to sleep in my bed while I'm not around, and eat my cats' food while I'm not looking.

That's what I'm not happy about.

OP posts:
2wwmadness · 23/11/2011 20:26

In totally with you op. it's a cat. Just a cat. I would be livid and given him an ultimatum like you did.

notjustme · 23/11/2011 20:27

To be honest, it's fairly clear what regard you hold for his opinions too, since he should have equal say in what happens in your house as you do, and yet you've thrown him out of the house for not agreeing with you.

LydiaWickham · 23/11/2011 20:29

Erm, have you tried talking to the new neighbour and seeing if the previous neighbour who's cat it is left a forwarding address so you could drop them a note about the cat?

Otherwise, yes, call the cat protection league and get them to rehome. Where it goes is not your problem.

Now, your DH - that is your problem - he needs to realise that your opinions do matter. However, throwing him out is rather the nuclear option, are you not sure you should have saved that for something a bit bigger than a stray cat?

DooinMeCleanin · 23/11/2011 20:32

If you asked me to ignore a stray animal because you were neurotic I'd leave you too.

Let her in fgs, it won't kill you and might just save her and her kitten's life. She has a home to go to, once she has weaned her kitten so it's not permanant.

Kayzr · 23/11/2011 20:32

Is it possible to come to a compromise? The cat stays in the coal bunker and your DH does all the looking after of the cat. But if it snows or starts to get really really cold you can try and find somewhere in the house for her?

Have you checked with the cats protection league? We found a cat and kittens in our garage a few months ago and even though they were full they still took them in.

hiddenhome · 23/11/2011 20:33

This has got to be a wind up Hmm

Original poster
Listzilla · 23/11/2011 20:34

Notjustme, it's not because he disagrees with me, it's because he has repeatedly gone behind my back and let the cat live in the house when he thinks I won't notice. I don't regard that as acceptable behaviour from an adult towards his wife. Do you?

LydiaWickham, no, no-one knows where the neighbour is gone, and given that they left two cats behind, I don't think they're going to be bothered what happens to her.

I know it seems extreme but I've been trying to get my point across for months now, and yet I'm still finding the cat in the house. I've run out of ways to say it, and he's still going behind my back. That feels pretty big to me.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 23/11/2011 20:36

DH is insisting on letting her into the house to sleep in my bed while I'm not around, and eat my cats' food while I'm not looking.

Fair point about the bed, but bedroom doors should be kept shut.

How come you get to have "your" cats, but he cant have the one he wants though?

hiddenhome · 23/11/2011 20:36

I think that he should ditch you and keep the cat Hmm

WoodenElephant · 23/11/2011 20:36

He lets the cat sleep IN YOUR BED???? I'd throw him out for that too.

YANBU. Dirty fucker.

Xmasbaby11 · 23/11/2011 20:38

I'm a cat lover, but YANBU. You are advised not to get new cats while you are pregnant anyway. We actually tried to get one from the local rescue place when I was 15 wks pg, and were refused.

A pregnant cat is a lot to take on in your condition and already having 2 cats. Take the cat to the local shelter.

But don't be too hard on your DH - he clearly finds it hard to resist the lovely cat (I'd be the same ...). Just point out the practical reasons and your current state. Good luck!

coccyx · 23/11/2011 20:38

You sound a nightmare. get a grip

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