to think that I'm more important than a cat?

[Listzilla]

Right, I'll try and keep this shortish and factual.

DH feeds a crew of stray cats outside our house. One of them was abandoned by a previous neighbour and he's particularly attached to her; she's grey with white mittens and a bib (he's always loved cats like that), she's pretty and dainty and well mannered and friendly. She had a kitten a couple of months ago in a cardboard box in our garden but it died. Now she's pregnant again. He wants to adopt her before the cold weather or her kitten arrives, because he feels sorry for her.

I don't want to adopt her, for the following reasons:

• We can't be 100% certain of her state of health, and I'm pregnant and vulnerable.
• I can't face another kitten dying, it was horrible last time. I've been hospitalised twice in this pregnancy with blood pressure problems, and really need not to get upset.
• We have two rescued cats already and they don't like her, nor she them. Our cats have already had to adjust to DD, who's 17 months, and there'll be another baby in February - that's enough upheaval for them!
• I think two cats is enough, financially and practically speaking.

DH keeps letting the cat into the house. Every time he thinks I'm not paying attention, she's in the kitchen eating out of our cats' bowl. One morning I got up early and she was sitting on the landing - DH wasn't up so she had clearly been in all night. He admits that the last time I was in hospital, he let her live in the house.

We've argued again and again about this, and each time he offers the same defences:

• 'But I feel sorry for her'
• 'I think you secretly like her'

Tonight she was in the kitchen with him while I put DD to bed. We had the same conversation again - 'but I feel sorry for her!'. I told him to choose between her and me, and he said he can't stop bringing her in, because he'll always feel sorry for her.

I threw him out.

I don't know what to think.

It's not even remotely about the stupid blasted cat any more. It's about him not giving a shit about what I think. It's about him raising my blood pressure when I'm being monitored for preeclampsia, for the sake of a bloody stray cat.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking I should be more important than the cat?

As a pregnant lady I would have thought you would have had just a teeny weeny tad more affinity with this other 'mum to be' and her predicament. You sound precious and heartless - your husband sounds a darling to your Cruella. I could understand it if you were allergic to cats or not a cat person but you already have two fgs. You really expect your DH to ignore his natural instinct to help this poor innocent creature that has practically 'chosen' him to help her. Its not as if he's taking in another pregnant woman from up the street who would be a threat to you - its a cat ffs.

Sorry - rant over - as you were.

I would not start spraying the cat with water, the last thing a pregnant cat needs is the stress of that, and it may make her move on from the coal bunker if she doesn't feel safe near the OP and her DP, and I don't care how 'warm' this November is, a wet, cold, pregnant cat in this temperature is not humane. And besides, it sounds as though the cat only comes in because the DP lets it in, not because it comes through a cat flap.

Oh I see this is one of them there drip feed threads.

OP your DH sounds charming but feckless. Like my adored but undoubtedly useless dad. Not sure if I can offer advice, I loved him to bits and would have hated it if he'd gone, but can't help thinking we'd have been better off without some of his more idiotic ideas.

This isn't about this cat. It's about your husband's total and utter disregard for you and your health, and the repeated lies. Yes the cat is vulnerable and cute, but the answer is to find a solution that works for wife, cat and husband- not for the DH to embark upon a new round of lies and subterfuge.

You need to put your foot down about the important things- the health of you and your unborn baby, and your daughter's safety around the dogs. To be honest, if you are allergic then you shouldn't have any cats in the house. Not sure what point your husband is trying to prove by letting the cats in to the bedroom either- and why have you let this happen every single night without dealing with it? Animals sleeping in the bed is pretty grim.

You need to sort out English copies of paperwork, or take photocopies and get them translated.

Poor you, OP.

I know exactly how you feel. DH was generally shit when I was heavily pregnant (couldn't tell his parents that actually I wouldn't be marching around with them in Middle Eastern heat because I was working full-time, the only person bringing any money into the household, 38 weeks pregnant with two toddlers at home, developing BP problems and FUCKING EXHAUSTED). TBH 18 months on it is still affecting our relationship, and now I wouldn't piss on my ILs if they were on fire.

I think you have a completely legitimate desire to have your needs put first. Not always and forever, but now, when you are heavily pregnant.

In retrospect I think I might have had more success getting DH to see my POV if a third party had pulled him aside and told him that he didn't understand the pressure of having loads on my plate and then the addition of one more stressful factor (ILs in my case, cat in yours). He's not going to believe he's being a selfish prick if it comes from you, but he might if it comes from another woman who's been pregnant and understands how it is.

He deliberately gets forms in a language you don't understand? That's so weird, and a bit controlling IMO. And he obviously knows you can't change it (if his name is on the bills, they won't talk to you or let you have any control over the account). Odd and nasty :(

Your husband is an idiot, not the least because he didn't spay her after kitten no 1 died :( does he give any reason to go against the drs orders re cats in your bedroom?
To all the people questioning why op id standing up for herself over THIS: it's the last straw! Hasn't anybody else flipped over something little because the big things were festering?

I think you really need to pick your battles!

Kicking him out over the cat is ridiculous, it is obviously the last straw, but come on! One more cat when you already have two is nothing.

Strap on a pair and take charge of things and sort some of his nonsense that actually matters.

like his parents
the bills
no cats in the bedrooms

Heavens OP I was with you from the first post. There's no way DH or I would bring another cat into the house without the other's consent, and that would never be given if it would make our existing pets unhappy.

To the people who think I should grow a pair (or strap them on, whatever) and sort out the other issues: we've had the same conversations 3,000,000 times. I've explained that the one thing I can't tolerate is lying. I've explained that I need him to be honest with me, that it's fine if he disagrees with me, he's an adult and entitled to, but I need to know, rather than being lied to. I've told him all of that again and again and again. And every time he says 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, you deserve better' and every time he goes ahead and does it again. And then throws a strop because I get annoyed with him, and tries to blame me. I've run out of ideas about how to approach it. I've tried everything I can think of and the result is the same.

I can't speak to his parents about the dog, I can't face the backlash when they get offended and point out that they can't possibly leave him alone, and how could I be so cruel as to expect them to, and that they won't be able to visit any more and I'm very cruel (coming from the people who roared laughing when the dog chased two kittens onto the top of a bookcase and they were slinking around terrified for days afterwards because the house still smelled of the mutt). And then complain to everyone else in the family about me. As far as I'm concerned, they're DH's parents, he can deal with their rubbish. Until he does, they're just not being invited up.

I can't sort out the bills - as someone said, they're in his name so I have no authority to change them, and I really don't think I should have to learn another language to understand my household finances.

No-one's going to spray the cat with water. I might not be able to deal with trying to integrate another cat into a household of two cats that dislike her and a toddler (and I don't know how the pregnant cat will react to a toddler, I know ours well enough to know that if she overdoes the attention they'll run away rather than hurt her but the other cat is an unknown quantity), but I'm actually not cruel.

Issey6cats, incidentally, is there anything special we need to be doing once the kitten arrives? Our cats were both neutered as soon as we got them so we're not experienced in this sort of thing.

Bills etc, sit down in front of a pc with them and use Google translate, take that but of power away from him.

"I've explained that the one thing I can't tolerate is lying"

But you have tolerated it, essentially, for years. You've told him you won't, but what have you effectively done? Nothing, which is why he does it again and again; he knows you'll just have an argument then it'll be over, which is why he's not backing down about the cat.

I think you have much bigger issues than the cat.

Have read your first post, not all of thread but it's clear that this is about your husband not listening to you or being honest with you and this leaves you feeling you have no control over aspects of your everday life, which is stressful.

The cat should have been re-housed properly once it was clear it had been abandoned by former neighbours. I'd call/take it to an animal rescue place. If she's so cute, someone will adopt her soon.

These cats that your husband is feeding, are they really strays rather than other people's pets? Does he care? Or does he just like the affection and sense of well-being that he can buy, fairly cheaply, with a bit of cat food, without having to take full responsibility for them?

Your husband sounds like a sentimental fool - a bit of a fantasist, who can't bear his bubble to be punctured by your requests that he takes some down-to-earth responsibility for his actions.

Your husband sounds lovely

You sound selfish and spoilt

"Your husband sounds lovely" - are you reading the same thread?

The only likeable thing to say about the man is that he's a soft touch when it comes to cats - or maybe, actually, he's using the cat to ensure the OP recognises that he will always be able to do what he wants. He's using the cat to continue to make a point.

I've taken in animals without my DH's consent. I've promised no more pets and then very same evening sent him a text from work stating "There is a lady coming round with a kitten. Just take it in. I'll be home in half an hour to explain". He took it. He knows better than to turn an animal in need away. I would leave him if he did. I would not be able to bring myself to be in the same space as someone who turns away a living thing in need. Perhaps Op's Dh feels the same and that is why he keeps bringing the cat in.

Mine get into places they're not allowed because I am too lazy to stop them/disagree with the reasons why they're not allowed. Although for an actual allergy I would make more of an effort. DH threatens that he is allergic to them, but we've had them years and he wasn't allergic when we fisrt got them, so he's not now, not until he shows me results of an allergy test stating otherwise. As he cannot be bothered to arrange this, I will continue to believe it's all lies and another reason to argue with me/attempt to control me/bully me into getting rid of my pets.

I do agree, though, that something should have been sorted for the poor cat when she lost her kitten and she should have been speyed then.

Op - the coal house will not be warm enough for the kitten. You need to arrange something else.

Re the bills: All of ours are in DH's name. They speak to me regarding certain things. I am allowed to change our bills from email to paper form, so I acn't see why you wouldn't be able to change the language. They just won't tell you anything about money, although even then, some companies will if you know the passwords to the account.

Re the dog: To some people pets are a very important part of their family. Even those of extended family. I have caused arguments in our family to pay vets bills or provide holiday care for my parents animals. I would not tell them to stop bringing their dog either. I would ensure it was kept leashed and under control if it was aggressive. I would also be encouraging them to address the underlying issues for the aggression with the help of a trainer.

Could it be that DH places a greater importance on pets than you do and what to you is a 'little thing' is to him something massive and highly important to him? I won't fight DH on much, but I will fight tooth and nail when it comes to my or my extended family's pets and their welfare. The same goes for stray animals. I am about to walk my dogs, if I find a stray anything, be it dog, cat or rat, it will be coming home with me. It will stay in my house until a time upon which I can find something more suitable. DH has no choice in this. He is given the chance to dicuss what the best way of dealing with the animal is and where and when it should go.

It's not about my pets being more important than DH as such, it's about the fact that animal wefare is very high on my list of priorites and I could not bring myself to love someone who didn't agree with and understand this. And I would be miserable without my pets or if I had to turn away a animal in need (that would be mental torture for me and would play on mind for months) I don't understand why someone who claims to love me would want this for me.

DooinMeCleanin, the dog will not come into my house again. It's a terrier, and therefore programmed to chase small animals like cats, and it's very exciteable and has never been taught not to nip people. FIL actively encourages it to mouth hands by putting his hand in it's mouth during play - he thinks it's funny. MIL has stood watching the dog chase the cats onto the top of a bookcase, laughing merrily at how spirited and lively he was; when I picked the dog up and put him in the garden so I could sort out the cats, she immediately let him back in because 'he'd be lonely in the garden'. There is absolutely no chance that they'll restrain him because they see nothing wrong with his behaviour. They don't think dogs should be trained or expected to act in any other manner than their instincts dictate. Given that the dog, while untrained and unrestrained, is a threat to both the cats and DD, he is no longer welcome in the house. End of story. Frankly I don't give a damn how much they love it, I love our daughter and our cats and happen to believe that they should be safe in their own house.

As for the animal welfare issue, as I've already said multiple times, the problem here is not the cat. The problem is that I'm nearing the end of a complicated, high-risk, stressful pregnancy, I've been told to relax, rest and not get stressed because if my blood pressure gets out of control I could lose the baby, and I'm being lied to on a regular basis because he feels sorry for the cat. If you think that's reasonable behaviour, then fair enough, but in my universe, it's not.

'It's not about my pets being more important than DH as such' Yes it is. You say yourself you would leave him if he didn't go along with you100%. I think he is crazy - but he is a gown man and has made his bed.

List - you are so right about the dog. It's not worth it.

I have some experience with the bills issue - I have recently taken over our finances and have access to all accounts for monitoring. Could you 'offer' to monitor all the finances to keep things on track?

I have been known to collect strays and my cats do sleep on our bed so I can't really comment there.

Acinonyx, in fairness, aside from the asthma issue I don't mind the cats sleeping with us. I've no objection to a warm purring bundle snuggled up to my back during the night. But the wheezing is irritating.

Well there you go, OP, problem solved. Without consulting her husband Dooinmecleanin will take in the cat, plus the 700 other cats the shelters can't house and if her husband complains, she will leave him.

List last night I said that YWBU to throw your DH out. Now I'm changing my mind and saying YANBU.

He sounds like a selfish, self centred twat who lies to get his own way on things. As for caring for the cats, I wonder how much he really does care and how much he's simply doing what he does to make a point.

Well, I think that you are being unreasonable about the cat, if that's viewed in isolation, but given the background, I can quite understand why her presence was the proverbial last straw.

I think you're using the cat as a peg to hang all your upset and hurt on, and she's kind of a symbol. I don't think that's particularly fair to the cat, but your feelings of distress aren't going to go away, just because I said that. If you go along with his wishes about the cat, you will feel even more stressed, I suppose.

Could you tell him that you want to engage in discussion, and offer him the cat's freedom of Downstairs, if he sorts out the bills, and everything else? And he has to do it then, and there. He rings the bank in front of you.

Then you wouldn't feel powerless and stressed (and stressed about being stressed), and the cat would have warmth and security.

I am not able to take in a pregnant cat as I am having cat/dog warfare issues at the monent which would be too stressful to a pregnant and nursing cat. I do know someone who would take it, but the cat will need transporting to us, in Teesside. I will more than happily arrange somewhere safe for the cat, however. Why on earth wouldn't I? I do actually practise what I preach, believe it or not.

700 cats would be silly, even for me. I would not be able to afford to feed them and their welfare would suffer as a result.

DH knew what he was getting into when he met me. He was warned by those who knew me best what to expect. I do not need to consult him to rescue unwanted pets. He does not need to consult me to do work for/donate to cancer charities. We both have things that are very important to us. Pets are my thing.

I am having cat/dog warfare issues at the monent which would be too stressful to a pregnant and nursing cat

So the pregnant cat shouldn't be stressed, but the woman with the high risk pregnancy who's been told not to get stressed should suck it up?

Maybe you should adopt DH, you'd obviously get on like a house on fire.