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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to expect other mums to consult me before they organise parties!

161 replies

Alice38 · 21/11/2011 21:17

Alpha mums at my ds primary have organised a MEGA christmas party (outside of the little class plarty) 3 hours long on the Saturday a week before Xmas! They just went ahead and booked it and now are busily forcing other mums in the class to cough up money for cost and help out! I have politely declined but I am FURIOUS! Who do they think they are? Angry

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 22/11/2011 10:32

I don't think this will be quite the success they think it will. I'd expect about half the DC won't be able to come because of prior arrangements/cost/time limitations. FWIW I think 3 hours is too long for any childrens party.

They are not unreasonable to want to organise a party, but the timing isn't great for most people. It would have been useful to canvass opinions first. They ABU to make someone cancel her venue to make way for their event. The parents who feel bullied should simply refuse to fork out and attend, and teach their DC that sometimes they can't be there for whatever reason. Ok, the DC may be upset, but that's life, you can't have everything you want. It's not the only party they're having, after all.

DeWe · 22/11/2011 10:44

If you ask everyone what dates they can make before planning the party you end up with more stress trying to sort it and much more unhappy mums who say "But I TOLD you I couldn't make that date" "you just didn't want my darling to come" "you organised it round XXX to make sure they could come." "you didn't come and hassle me five times to make sure I got the dates I could manage back to you"

It is much easier to say here is the time, date and venue and hope a number can come.

Journey · 22/11/2011 11:07

I think you have a huge chip on your shoulder. You insult people for arranging the party and you insult people for attending the party. Why all this anger? You turned the invite down so why are you still bothered about it?

daytoday · 22/11/2011 11:08

If you don't want to go fine, others might be ambivalent but don't decide that its because of a sheep like mentality and are scared.

If however, they are presuming that everyone can cough up and has the same sort of disposable income then I would speak and gently remind them that if they are organising something for everyone they should make it financially accessible to everyone.

Personally I don't actually believe in this 'Alpha mum' myth. I actually can't stand it when people catagorise other parents as 'alpha' and it is precisely those people who seem to hang on to childish notions about group dynamics.

NewsClippings · 22/11/2011 11:11

It's a shame someone else felt pressurised into cancelling an event someone else was trying to organise. Surely the party organisers should have said "well you're obviously already arranging something for that date - we'll move ours". Isn't that what they'd have expected from others?

KatieMiddIeton · 22/11/2011 11:26

Interesting. Some mums go to the trouble of organising a party which you are under no obligation to attend and invite everyone. This makes you incredibly annoyed and think they are bullies.

You come to this conclusion after bitching talking about these women with other mothers.

It's funny but I reach a different conclusion...

exoticfruits · 22/11/2011 11:46

Personally I don't actually believe in this 'Alpha mum' myth. I actually can't stand it when people catagorise other parents as 'alpha' and it is precisely those people who seem to hang on to childish notions about group dynamics

I don't believe it either.Someone called a 6 yr old boy an 'alpha' male!! It is all silly-I don't see anyone as 'alpha' and they are only in that position if others give it to them.

exoticfruits · 22/11/2011 11:48

It is like people insisting that some posters are 'MN royalty'-total rubbish. Everyone is equal and someone new, posting for the very first time is just as welcome and valid as someone who has been a regular for years (and may be much more sensible).

KatieMiddIeton · 22/11/2011 11:52

Some people are just weird exoticfruits. Thankfully I only really see them on MN. I think it does me good to see it now and again Grin

bigmouthstrikesagain · 22/11/2011 11:56

Surely by saying there are 'submissive' (for want of a better word) people whom allow others to dominate a social situation - that means there are 'Alpha's' who are given or take control/ are more popular/ attractive/ charismatic whatever...?

I am not sure what to make of OP tbh. However I think there are 'Alpha' personality types just as there are shy and retiring types, not better people just forceful and focused. I tend to stay on the periphery of the social circles at school and keep my powder dry. If people want to organise/ attend expensive stressful parties then that is fine and up to them, if my children do not attend all parties that is also fine and unlikely to blight their furtures.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 22/11/2011 11:57

furtures? futures...

hiddenhome · 22/11/2011 12:08

Tell them you're Jewish and you don't do Christmas Grin

BerylStreep · 22/11/2011 16:08

I think OP is a bit churlish, but as I read the thread I was reminded of my sil who organised a party for my PILs - it all had to be done her way, and she expected us to contribute to the cost.

Difference was that she wanted us to pay £1000.

We declined. We weren't 'furious' though.

Count yourself lucky you're not being asked to cough up a grand.

kerala · 22/11/2011 16:09

Actually I have some really happy memories of Christmas parties, outside school, organised by the mums in the class. They were fab - hired the church hall had games and father christmas everyone was there, then a party tea on great long tables. Cant remember the school Christmas parties at all but these were a real highlight of the Christmas period for us. Weird to think there might have been a mother there being tight lipped and bitter about the "alpha" mothers (one being my mum) organising them Hmm

lesley33 · 22/11/2011 16:28

Its hard to know from a forum like this if the mums organising the party are being patronising, etc in some way.

But I used to when my children were younger organise a lot of stuff for both my and other kids. It was partly because of crap like this that I stopped. Organising things is hard work and yet some parents will still complain that you didn't check the date with them first, that their child doesn't like what you have planned or that you are only organising things "to try and make yourself look good."

I have 4 kids. I chose to organise things that my kids would like and I thought other kids would too. I chose a date that suited me and didn't clash with other events. And I chose to underwrite things financially, knowing if not enough people were interested that I would be stumping up the extra cash.

That saying - No good deed goes unpunished, springs to mind.

lesley33 · 22/11/2011 16:30

And no - before you flame me I didn't expect other kids to attend events I organised. The parents and kids could choose whether they attended or not.

kerala · 22/11/2011 17:43

Totally agree with Lesley - just what is the upside to volunteering at school/organising things that sneerers are so quick to point out? Am sure most of these voluteer parents would much rather be at home with a cup of tea/doing jobs etc but put themselves out for their children benefitting other peoples children in the process and for this they get criticised. Jeez.

KittyFane · 22/11/2011 17:51

You say their motives are not good.

What do you think their motives are OP?

BTW, I also hate mums with too much time on their hands pushing group activities on everyone else and then getting niggly when I say we can't help because we're at work FFS the timing isn't always convenient. This party sounds ok though TBH.

BleurghUna · 22/11/2011 19:01

Kitty yes I wonder why they bother frankly! Why organise a party if you don't have to (ie not for a birthday) at such a busy time of year when everyone has 10000 things to do! And without any idea how many people will contribute?! IF noone accepts they will have a huge bill to pay...
IF it was a drop-em-off-and-go kind of party though that would be a different matter ... I'd happily pay £5 or even £10 to buy myself 2-3 hours of child free xmas shopping time ... Grin next year they need to run a christmas shopping creche Grin
OP I'd be flummoxed but not furious by this ... it's their problem if thigns don't work out.

knockkneedandknackered · 22/11/2011 19:14

alpha mums whats thatConfused

exoticfruits · 22/11/2011 20:42

just an ordinary and equal mum, Knockkneed, but someone decides they are special.

vincettenoir · 22/11/2011 22:44

To be honest I don't think the problem is the way that they've organised the party. It's that you just don't like them. And maybe you have plenty of good reasons not to like them - and if that is the case I can see why you don't want to spend your Saturday hanging round with them. I would feel the same if I was you. But all the same you should recognise the real problem is that you don't like them - not that they've organised a party without consulting you. Which as many others have said would probably not have been practical

skybluepearl · 22/11/2011 23:09

does you DS want to go? will the 3 hours be handy for xmas preperation for you?

would have been too complex and impossible to find a day when everyone is free.

Bunbaker · 23/11/2011 08:06

I think most of you are missing the point that the mums who have organised the party are expecting the other parents to contribute financially. It is for this reason that I feel they should have consulted the other parents first. Organising a party is great, but as there is a financial outlay involved, to just go ahead and book it without asking the others is unfair.

FFSEnid · 23/11/2011 08:26

I'm not missing the point at all. The other mothers are well within their rights to not go, say they don't want to or say they're busy. There isn't that much point in consulting 30 families because there won't be a date that suits everyone and people will just get chippy because its booked on the date that they can't make. Do you think that people organising communal activities should shoulder the whole bill? I'm going out for 3 Christmas nights out in the first wek of Dec. I haven't organised any of them. Should the organisers pay for my meal and all my drinks because they invited me?

One of my dcs was invited to a thing at a riding stables recently. A couple of mothers who I don't know all that well approached me and said they had booked a pony afternoon and it would be X amount on X day and was I interested. Ds couldn't go so I said no, I didn't think they were bitches who should have consulted me first and they were trying to screw me for every penny whilst trying to make themselves look good. These are mothers from school btw, ds has never been riding before. The kids who did go had a great time, I hope ds is free next time they organise something.