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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say this to a child?

491 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:27

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 12:37

It is different here, though. People are more inclined to step in if they see an injustice. I remember talking to a local here and saying that you never see parents shouting at their children in public here. She said no, that is because somebody would intervene and tell you to stop shouting at them.

About the helicopter? seriously, it was about 20 metres above our heads.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 20/11/2011 12:37

You did exactly what I would have done. What's to feel guilty about? He was behaving badly, and was told to stop, where's the problem? I would continue to keep an eye, however.

JamieComeHome · 20/11/2011 12:38

Marie - the problem is, you haven't seen the injustice.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 12:39

I am utterly astounded that anyone thinks it is acceptable for an adult to threaten a 6 year old child.

JamieComeHome · 20/11/2011 12:39

... and, you may have committed an injustice yourself because of it.

ionysis · 20/11/2011 12:41

She didn't smack the kid upside the head, she just warned him off. If she has twisted his arm behind his back then yes, that would have been excessive.

So sick of hearing how "maybe he had SN" on here as a potential explanation / justification of every little brat's bad behaviour based on no evidence whatsoever. Don't you think the OP would have mentioned that if it had been the case?

In the UAE it is much more likely he is a spoiled little monkey who is being brought up by the maid who is scared to discipline him in any way in case she loses her job and a bit of a telling off would have done him the world of good.

Rational · 20/11/2011 12:41

I don't care if you're in Timbuktu, you were out of order!

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 12:41

The boy wasn't "told to stop" he was threatened in an aggressive manner by an adult.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 12:43

SNs or spoilt, it doesn't matter. An adult has no right to threaten a child.

Unless they themselves are actually a nasty bully.

BoffinMum · 20/11/2011 12:43

YANBU

If the normal channels didn't work, I would not hesitate in doing this, whilst also instructing my DC to stand tall, look fierce and insist on his or her rights.

If the problem carried on, I would have Words with said child's mother, and demand a resolution.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 12:46

You would threaten a child before talking to a parent? Confused

SauvignonBlanche · 20/11/2011 12:46

"I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away"

"I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad"

How can anyone applaud that? Would you like it it to happen to your child before the facts were investigated properly? Hmm

BoffinMum · 20/11/2011 12:47

Telling someone off for being nasty and telling them there will be consequences (which can involve telling their parents what has been going on) is NOT bullying someone weaker than you, it is standing up for what is right.

A bit of lip-wibbling probably means the other child knows it is getting serious - I would not worry about this.

We have had it the other way around - DS1 and some cronies used to kick bark in the face of one of the girls in Y1, and her mother did much the same thing and then phoned me up to ask me to get my son in hand. I was embarrassed but I told him off, made him apologise and it all got sorted out.

Rational · 20/11/2011 12:48

Fuck me! Someone actually said he may just be a spooky brat being brought up by the maid! That's a fecking oxymoron! Poor kid!

Rational · 20/11/2011 12:49

Lol, spoilt, not spooky! Fecking iPhones!

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2011 12:58

Given that the other child may well be telling his parents that your son is beating him up....would you be happy if his Mum were to get in your child's face, pointing her finger an inch from it and threaten him til his lip wobbles in the morning?

I assume you'll think it's fair enough that she didn't bother getting to the bottom of it, because there was a helicopter above and the thought of actually going inside the building to discuss it didn't occur to her.

That'll make two threatened 6 year olds and two happy parent's won't it?

Job done! Hmm

spiderpig8 · 20/11/2011 13:01

The problem is that it is very common for children of this age to latch on to the fact that child x is 'naughty' and accuse them of all manner of things even when said child is off sick!
Also you should not have spoken to a child on school premises.The school have a duty to protect their pupils whilst in their care and you haver threatened a child!! You should have gone through the school or spoken to the child Off school premises where presumably he has a parent/carer there to fight his corner.It is bullying beghaviour because you set out to threaten and intimidate this child by virtue of the fact you are an adult and he is a tot!

Rational · 20/11/2011 13:07

...3..2..1 ....till someone comes on and says their adorable little darling is such a sweet boy they'd never lie.

TheMonster · 20/11/2011 13:08

It solved the problem so YANBU.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 13:14

Giving him a good slap may have sorted the problem too - would that be fine?

SauvignonBlanche · 20/11/2011 13:15

It may well just have a created a much bigger one, we don't know yet.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 13:17

"Telling someone off for being nasty and telling them there will be consequences (which can involve telling their parents what has been going on) is NOT bullying someone weaker than you, it is standing up for what is right."

It IS bullying when an adult gets right in the face of a six year old child and threatens them with trouble. It is overly aggressive and nasty. You deal with the school or you deal with the parents. You do not threaten a child.

SirBoobAlot · 20/11/2011 13:19

You were totally unreasonable. You intimidated a child. That makes you 100 x worse than a 6 year old playground issue. Get a bloody grip, woman.

I was verbally assulted at 13 by the mother of a girl who was bullying me, but told her mum it was the other way round. 7 years on and I still suffer flash backs, panic attacks, and it let me to try and take my own life more than once. That woman has ruined my life. And whilst you may think it was just a few words, I wish to God she had hit me instead.

That poor boy. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Rational · 20/11/2011 13:21

I hope the kid's mum's there to greet her in the morning, I hope she's built like a brick shit house and gets right in the op's face. See if she changes her tune Wink

minxofmancunia · 20/11/2011 13:29

YAB completely U. I'm Shock.

You have no idea of the true version of events, 6 year olds can be extremely subjective and one sided and can twist things to their own advantage. I'm horrified that other posters think this is ok. If you did this to my dc you would not hear the end of it, I would insist you were banned from the playground and hauled in front of the head master. You sound like a bit of a bully yourself tbh.

It's never never acceptable to intimidate and scare a 6 year old child. And your emotive use of language "beating up" "delightful" etc.doesn't make you sound credible at all.

what TSC said

"fwiw my dd2 had a friend who really really loved her, so much so she was suffocating. holding her hand, stroking her hair,sitting almost on top of here and literalu being in her face. dd would occasionally get frustrated and shove her, at which point the friend would run off blabbing about being shoved."

I'm having to put up with similar crap at the mo with dds "best" friend and her Mother at the mo to the point it's really beginning to get to me. Constant barbed comments from the Mum about dd being "antagonistic" and "winding her dd up" etc. her dd does it all the time to dd, she also plants the seed knowing dd is impressionable and easily wound up. She also needles and goads her and watches dd descend as she's so reactive. I have the good grace not to point out her dds silly behaviour but she seems determined to paint my dd in a bad light. She's also gossiped to me about other children (which I haven't commented on) I will be Angry, if she's bad mouthed dd.

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