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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say this to a child?

491 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:27

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

OP posts:
clam · 20/11/2011 11:39

Wow. I always thought that it was the first basic rule of schoolchild parenting that you never interfere with playground spats and wade in to have a go at the other child. Having read this thread, it seems I'm wrong.

I know it's frustrating and it seems that a parent "having a word" will cure all, but it's usually much more complex than that. Mainly because more often than not it's not the way your child has described. I've lost count of the number of times I've had parents of kids in my class tell me their child is being bullied and after extensive investigation it's turned out to be 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Still needs handling by the school, of course.

BreeVanDerTramp · 20/11/2011 11:43

YABU, my DH was given a similar telling off by a parent of a boy he was supposed to be bullying but the parent got the wrong child. My DH has never been a bully and I have never seen him be vile or violent to anyone but he still, 20 years on, says that if he saw that parent he would have him up against a wall for the humilitating way he treated him in the playground when his parents were not around.

If you had witnessed the bullying then perhaps that would have been more acceptable, but sorry no, I have a lovely sweet 4 year old but I would not take his word as gospel.

Clawdy · 20/11/2011 11:51

It's happened,you can't undo it and most of us would do the same,I think. You will soon know if the situation changes. Personally,I would speak to neither the teacher nor the child's parent. Don't beat yourself up!

tethersend · 20/11/2011 11:52

YABincrediblyU

You know nothing about this child.

Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 11:52

Well, I just picked DS up from school and delivered him back home. On the way, I asked him if the boy had hit him today, and he said: ?no mama. He didn?t hit me, or punch me, or kick me. He didn?t even look at me?. I said ?that?s good then, non??, he said, ?yes?. He then started talking very animatedly about his day, and how much the other children liked his stuffed dog. He seemed much, much happier. When I picked him up on Thursday, he had looked very pale and said his tummy hurt from being punched. He was a totally different boy today.

I have read all your posts and, although I believe I possibly did the wrong thing, seeing the change in my little boy this afternoon I do not regret what I did. Not for a minute.

OP posts:
daveywarbeck · 20/11/2011 11:53

I would tell the teacher about your conversation with the child just in case there are any repercussions.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/11/2011 11:56

HuntyCat

"Sorry, though I have always followed crappy useless school 'procedures', IMO If you have told the teacher once that a child has been hitting your dc, and that other child hits your dc again - then the school haven't dealt with it effectively. It should NOT happen more than once, and should NEVER happen again after you have told the school.

Some bloke hits you at work hard enough to leave a mark - you would not expect to call the police, then two days later have him do the same thing again, would you? So why should our dc have to put up with that?"

yet both happen, if the bloke hit you again would you set your DH, DB, Father on him?

No you wouldn't you would go back to the police.

As for the continued hitting/beating, we don't know if the school believe that they have dealt wit it or are halve way through dealing with it.

babybythesea · 20/11/2011 11:57

Hackmum When I was a kid, it was quite normal for adults to tell off other people's children. Quite right too. If the teacher in OP's child school wasn't doing her job properly, then it's up to OP to nip the problem in the bud. Good for her.

I'm with you on telling other people's kids off, but to me that implies seeing them do something and calling out a quick reprimand. A world of difference between that, and seeking out a child, stalking up to them, getting right into their face and hissing threats at them.
The OP's teacher dealt with an original incident and the child did it again. To be honest, I'm not all that surprised that a six year old didn't obey instantly. Just because a child knows something is naughty, doesn't mean they won't chance having a go at it anyway.

The teacher was informed once and spoke to the child - how is that not dealing with it (unless you wish the child to be put in the stocks for their first offence?). If the teacher is not informed if it happens again, how on earth can they possibly do anything about it? Far too early to take the action the OP did, in my opinion.

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2011 12:05

Your son had a good day today and that's lovely to hear

Please realise that this may have been in spite of you threatening this 6yr old and not because of it.

You didn't 'possibly' do the wrong thing. Threatening small children in a playground is always the wrong thing and if it happens again, you could find yourself banned from school premises as a parent in my DS's school found himself.

That caused no end of problems with childcare arrangements as he and his wife had to pay someone to do the school run or take their child elsewhere.

Rational · 20/11/2011 12:06

"I have read all your posts and, although I believe I possibly did the wrong thing, seeing the change in my little boy this afternoon I do not regret what I did. Not for a minute."

Well here's hoping that in protecting your own little boy you haven't just compounded unhappiness on another little boy. You may well be one of many adults who put him in his place, but as long as your little boy's ok that's nothing to do with you endsarcasm

teenswhodhavethem · 20/11/2011 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

babybythesea · 20/11/2011 12:06

Huntycat - so you have a child who always does exactly what he's told, first time? Wow - you are either brilliant at this parenting lark or very lucky.

Admittedly my dd is only 2, but I have taught thousands of school children while they are on school visits - I 'expect' obedience (I do not let them muck around just because they are not at school) but more realistically, most classes contain a few kids, be they 5 or 15, who push their luck and try something even after I've said no.

Hitting is serious and should not be condoned, but it needs dealing with appropriately and what the OP did was not appropriate. Appropriate means returning to school and letting them know the hitting has happened again (they didn't know, because her son didn't tell them) and asking what the next plan is for dealing with it. Working with them, rather than becoming the loose canon yourself.

Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 12:07

Oh, and I had planned to talk to his teacher, unfortunately there was a helicopter flying overhead, so all we could manage was a smile and a wave. I shall mention it tomorrow, though.

OP posts:
JamieComeHome · 20/11/2011 12:07

I agree, and as I said before, if this little boy is indeed a bully, he may simply move on to someone else now

teenswhodhavethem · 20/11/2011 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 12:09

So, you threatened a 6 year old child? I know what that makes you in my book.

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2011 12:11

Oh, and I had planned to talk to his teacher, unfortunately there was a helicopter flying overhead, so all we could manage was a smile and a wave. I shall mention it tomorrow, though.

In all my years reading public forums, that has to be the weakest excuse I've ever heard to not speak to a teacher when you feel your child is being bullied and beaten up.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 12:13

Actually, it was an excuse as to why she didn't tell the teacher she had been threatening a six year old child.

spamm · 20/11/2011 12:16

I had a similar issue with my 6year old ds's school recently, and the first incident was not initially dealt with appropriately. So I ensured that the school knew exactly what I expected from them. I quoted their rules and promises back to them, all in writing, so that I could take it further if required. I told them that I expected them to ensure my child's safety in their care, and ghat if they dd not, i would have to bring in outside authorities. This brought it to their attention, and they knew I was serious. I also told my son what I was doing, so he knew I was taking action, but following the rules. Don't get me wrong, I was very angry, and I hated seeing this happen to my delightful little boy, but I knew I had to do it by the book to see real action.

The second incident was dealt with very differently and the bully was actually excluded for 2 days, which I was happy with. The school has brought in measures to ensure that my son is protected. I never really thought of dealing with it myself, however much I wanted to. And yes, I did fantasize about confronting the parents, but the rules and policies are there to avoid exactly this. Imagine if we all did our own thing!

JamieComeHome · 20/11/2011 12:20

I had a sort of reverse experience with my son, in that he used to mention incidents (of mainly teasing) which I didn't take seriously enough, until I saw it happening in front of me. At that point I felt shame and rage, but NO WAY did it occur to me to talk to the boy concerned. I felt that instinct to humiliate him, I did, but more than anything I wanted it to stop, and I wanted him to stop - for everyone's sake. And I did not know enough about him to know why he would be a person who'd feel good by making others feel bad

Luckily, the school dealt with it brilliantly.

Take what your child says seriously, but work with the school

JamieComeHome · 20/11/2011 12:22

btw - my experience was with an older boy. I think it's even ore important to be careful when you are talking about 6 year olds

Groovee · 20/11/2011 12:23

Your son may have had a good day today... Wonder how tomorrow will be if the other parent has wind of this and takes matters in to their hands? I hope to god that the head doesn't decide to bar you or your son from the school.

ionysis · 20/11/2011 12:27

I live in the UAE too and given how inconsistent school policies are here I would have done exactly the same as you did. YANBU.

SauvignonBlanche · 20/11/2011 12:30

YABU and could be accused of bullying a 6 year old.
I think you should have followed it through with the school first.

Rational · 20/11/2011 12:36

I am shocked at the amount of people here who think the op did the right thing! Not one of you have any idea what the full story is, about the alleged bullying or the background of the child who was confronted.

See my post a while back, a little boy who was allegedly doing this to my husbands boy was taken into care because he was being abused. 6 year olds tend to learn how to deal with problems from his carers, this little boy could be that little boy, you are advocating abusing him further.