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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say this to a child?

491 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 05:27

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

OP posts:

flapperghasted · 20/11/2011 15:36

DD (then 9) was once cornered in school and accused of lying by the mum of a close friend. The two girls had had a fall out (nothing new there, which you'll know if you've got 10 year old girls but teachers got involved. I was ill at the time, being investigated for cancer, so dd was under pressure.

Anyway...to cut a long story short, this woman approached my child and accused her of being a liar. My daughter cried her eyes up, as she's a pretty honest kid, and the adult was talking to her as if she was her own child.

I can appreciate you wanting to take action in this matter, and I was bullied through most of my secondary school life, but I would never, EVER, condone speaking directly to a minor. Not even if they were 14 or 15. You talk to the parents, the school, you pursue things verbally and in writing and if nothing is done you remove your child but you never, NEVER speak directly to a child. And if it was my 6 year old, I'd be asking that you be banned from the school play-yard so that my child could feel safe in school, which is the right of every child. (Mind you, I'd also be having very strong words with my child if they were making another child unhappy with bullying, but that's another story!).

Original poster

MarieFromStMoritz · 20/11/2011 15:37

WorraLiberty, I have thought about this long and hard today, and I can honestly say - hand on heart - that if another parent chastised my DS for inflicting violence on another child, I would not have a problem with it.

As a child, we were told off by other people's parents and strangers all the time.

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 20/11/2011 15:39

You could have talked to the other child I suppose. Asked him what was going on and then said firmly "Well I hope no one is hitting, because if they are that person will be in very big trouble. " Or similar.

DoMeDon · 20/11/2011 15:40

NEVER speak directly to a child - what utter pish. If my child was misbehaving and I was not present I would seriously hope another adult would speak to them.

bemybebe · 20/11/2011 15:41

"NEVER speak directly to a child - what utter pish. If my child was misbehaving and I was not present I would seriously hope another adult would speak to them."

100% with you on this

Lotkinsgonecurly · 20/11/2011 15:41

I don't think you were unreasonable. Ds is in a similar situation to your son. What I'm doing is keeping in constant contact with his teacher / head teacher via email. I've been into see them last week and have now taken to emailing as I'm concious that it takes up their time to report another incident. I now do it via email and will ask for another appointment next week if its not been resolved.

Hassling the teachers seems to be quite fruitful letting them know you will not tolerate this behaviour and your son is in their care how are they going to deal with it. ??? Start stalking them.....its as much their problem as it is yours.

crazycanuck · 20/11/2011 15:43

babybythesea and minxofmancunia, yes that's why I said that while I empathised with where the OP's reaction came from I do not agree with the threatening manner in which she carried it out. I did not approach the boy prior to witnessing him actually being aggressive because I am in agreement with all the posters that said that 6 year olds aren't always the most objective witnesses, and I prefer to see the school resolve these situations. OP jumped the gun but I can understand where her sentiment came from.

CheerfulYank · 20/11/2011 15:45

What DoMeDon said.

The other day my son and his friend were running through an art gallery after being told not to. My friend (mother of DS's friend and owner of the art gallery) pulled them up sharpish and well done her.

flapperghasted · 20/11/2011 15:46

You can call it pish if you like, but at the end of the day this is a grown woman telling a 6 year old child they'd better not hit their child or else. How intimidating is that? And what if the child was being wrongly accused? What if you got the wrong child? Would that be an acceptible risk?

I'm a strong disciplinarian. My daugther is told straight about any problems we have with behaviour and we talk about consequences and such. But if someone else said anything to my child about her behaviour without talking to me or her teachers first, I'd have something to say about it.

Grown ups waving fingers in childrens faces is intimidating and the person who does that is on very dodgy ground!

SirBoobAlot · 20/11/2011 15:50

There's a difference between being told off - "That wasn't a nice thing to do" - and threatening. You did the latter. And not only seem to feel justified, but proud.

What are you going to do to the next kid your son disagrees with?

For fuck sake, you don't even know if you son was telling the truth. You may well have just terrified an innocent child. And even if he has been hurting your DS, you may have left this boy traumatised for a long time. He's six years old, FFS.

babybythesea · 20/11/2011 15:50

But I think most people on here would be with you in this:

NEVER speak directly to a child - what utter pish. If my child was misbehaving and I was not present I would seriously hope another adult would speak to them.

I agree with that. What I think a lot of people are saying is that the way the OP went about it was questionable. Speak directly to another child if you've seen what happened and don't be intimidating in your approach, be clear and straightforward.
The OP doesn't actually know what went on, and as much as the the other lad may lie if asked his version, so might the OP's son, if he did something first (snatch a toy for example) and doesn't want to get in to trouble. The point is that this was done without any real knowledge of what happened.
And she seems to have gone about it in an almost 'Mafia style' way - heading up to a small child and crouching down to his level and announcing 'there will be trouble' when she has no idea what that may mean to him.

One point concerning this is that there is no idea what 'trouble' might mean to him, as lots of posters have pointed out. OP is adamant that there is no way that anything as nasty as excessive physical violence could be happening in her world. I still don't understand how she knows this, as she says she doesn't know the family. Be that as it may, if you turn it around, 'There will be trouble' might be a phrase that is bandied around at home with no consequences and therefore may have no effect in the long term. Next week may be a whole different story, once he has forgotten his immediate fear of this strange lady.

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2011 15:50

There's a massive difference between telling a child off because you know they've done wrong...and threatening a child/getting in their face when you don't know they've done wrong.

The OP has her son's word for it and imo that's not enough to go threatening 6yr olds with.

Find out the facts and go through the proper channels or there's every likelihood you will be banned from school premises.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/11/2011 15:51

Had the OP seen the child in question beat her child, then it would be different. Challenging bad behaviour that you see - very important. Threatening a child on the basis of a report from another child - not the same.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/11/2011 15:51

Or what worraliberty said...

bringmesunshine2009 · 20/11/2011 15:51

YANBU. If DS was on the receiving end, I would be doing the same. Particularly in UAE where schools don't necessarily have set procedures for dealing with bullying (indeed at DN's school it seems to be very much survival of the fittest).

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 20/11/2011 15:52

yanbu.

SauvignonBlanche · 20/11/2011 15:54

Survival of the fittest - or the one with the most mental scariest mother?

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 15:55

How many times did you speak to the teacher about the situation, OP?

CheerfulYank · 20/11/2011 15:55

Well... "you better not hit my child or else" is true. Or else I will keep going to the teacher, or else I will talk to your parents, etc. It doesn't mean she's going to break his nose FFS.

Rational · 20/11/2011 15:58

When my daughter was 14 she worked in a chip shop on Saturdays. She had been out with a group of girls the night before and there had been a fall out with another girl. This girl's mother went into the chip shop the next day and basically did exactly what the OP did. Finger pointing in her face and telling her that if she went anywhere near her daughter again there would be trouble.

Not only was my daughter mortified with embarrassment, she was terrified, rather than walk home her dad had to go and pick her up. I phoned this girl's mum immediately, I basically told her that if she ever went near my daughter again she'd know what trouble was. I don't care what happened between the girls the night before, if she has a problem with my daughter she comes to me. I then told her that should anything like this happen again I would be calling the police, she is a bully and a coward.

As it turned out, as I expected, the girl went crying to her mum every time someone disagreed with her and the mum was well known for having a go at the kids.

slavetofilofax · 20/11/2011 15:58

Speaking to the teacher once should be more than enough.

OP's child being hit once was once too many, but it has happened more than once and the teacher should have known about that whether the OP had said anything or not. 6 yo's should be supervised well enough that any problems, especially problems that resut in marks on children, are known to the teachers without parents having to go into the school to talk about it.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 16:00

Once? How naive. Do your children do as they are told the very first time? The teacher has no idea anything is still going on because the OPs son hasn't told her.

unfitmother · 20/11/2011 16:05

"But why do I feel so bad?2

Because you have threatened a six year old child without hearing their side of the story? You feel bad because are in the wrong OP, stop kidding yourself.

Rational · 20/11/2011 16:06

She's actually clarified that she doesn't feel bad at all. As long as precious is ok.

Feminine · 20/11/2011 16:07

I don't blame the op not one bit...it would be nice if she could have gone through the school ...nothing happened though did it?

Also, how many times does the OP have to state she is not in the UK?

I'll take her word that that it was as simple as she explained...

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