to say this to a child?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

God, there's some strange people on here today!

" i will not set my DC the example that its okay for little shit with crap life to pick on you because he has a crap life....not a chance."

I will, however, set my children the example that adults can bully children over allegations, without their side of the story being heard.

How many times did you speak to the teacher about the situation?

I would have no problem speaking to a child who was bullying my ds but I think the op was far too intimidating to a 6 yr old.

This shows why it is much better to speak to the school. Teachers come across this all the time and you haven't really given them a chance to deal with it. Your ds also needs to know his teachers can and will help him.

Of course I care, Rationale. However, there is nothing to suggest that this child is a victim of violence.

babybythesea brilliant post esp the "frame of reference bit". If a stranger came up to me and inferred there'd be trouble I'd be justifiably terrified, and I'm an adult.

Saddens me to hear words like "little shit" used with such ease and with such vitriol....horrible vigilante culture that British people have, even those who live in plush overseas expat communities and who's dc attend "lovely" private schools.

not read it all but as a bullied kid myself I want to say YANBU and an internat hand-shake

People are too worried about being all PC about this sort of stuff, fuck that, anyone hurts my kid and nothing gets done about it then yes I'll step in and make sure it doesnt happen again.

Some poor kids end up swinging because they are being bullied.

YANBU

if you had done that to my son, i'd have sought you out and knee capped you with a blunt spanner.

my bullying /non bullying journey with children goes like this

1. child is being bullied and tells me an i say tell the teacher
2. child is still being bullied i tell the child to stick up for themselves using verbal or physical agression if necessary
3. child doesn't want to do this or is terrified of other child - i have a word with the childs mum
4. the childs mum doesn't give a shit - i informt hem that unless their child leaves my child alone, my dh will hospitalise the dominant adult male in their lives

no its not big or clever - and we lived on rough council estate at the time. always worked though

Would it be OK for the boy's father to come up to the OP, put his finger in her face and tell her there will be consequences if she threatens his son again?

I have recently experienced a similar situation to this. My ds is also 6 and over the course of a few weeks came home telling me how this particular boy in his class had been pushing, hitting, kicking him in the playground and annoying him in class. Talking to other parents it transpired that this boy was well known for such behaviour and the school was aware. One day my ds came home with one of those 'knocked head' forms, which turned out to be a result of this boy pushing my ds off the climbing frame and ds landing on his back on the ground. I actually heard this story from a number of ds's classmates, who apparently rallied round him him the playground and went to fetch the duty teacher to help him. Conveniently the parent-teacher meetings were scheduled that week so I brought this all up with ds's teacher who informed me that this particular boy was a 'known quantity' who picks on all the children in this manner and they are 'dealing with the situation'. Trusting the school to do their job, I left it at that.

2 days later in the school playground after school had finished, ds was playing on the monkey bars and I was chatting with some friends. I turned my head just in time to see this boy hauling off and walloping my ds in the stomach 3 times in a row. When I called out 'Hey!' this boy clocked me and started to run off. I strode after him and said in a very firm voice '(boy's name), you have to stop hitting other children NOW. Do you understand?' He nodded meekly, at which point I turned around and fetched ds and left. From the look on this boy's face I don't think he has ever been firmly spoken to in his life. There are plenty of stories circulating about how his parents shrug off his behaviour. And even though this boy has a well known reputation, I still sat in worry for the next couple weeks that I would be hauled in to the Head's office. Incidentally, his parents were not in sight at the time of that incident.

What I guess I am trying to say is that in one respect I don't think YABU because I have also experienced that burning instinct to protect my child. But I do agree with the posters saying that perhaps the manner in which you approached this was threatening and intimidating. Even at the age of 6 bullies need dealing with, but not in what is also a bullying manner.

You can have compassion for children having problems at the same time as wanting to protect your own children. I know which feeling would be stronger to me. I have the power and the instinct to protect those little people born to me, I do not have that power when it comes to children I see suffering on telly.

And either way, my child does not deserve to suffer just because another child is suffering. Same as other aults don't all deserve to be skint because I am skint.

Sorry OP - I was writing while your post went up putting those points the first time. But while there might not be a drugs problem etc it doesn't mean the child isn't being hit at home. You brought up drugs and unemployment as a way of saying, it sounded like, these sorts of things don't happen here. And somehow equating that with domestic violence. My point was, things can happen anywhere, including a kid being smacked around. You don't know the family, so while you know he doesn't have drug-addicted parents, that isn't the same thing as 'Isn't subject to abuse at home'.

And as a former bullied kid myself (so I do know what it's like to go to school frightened), I still think your action was wrong. You've shown your kid that if you need to resolve an issue, you don't need to get all the facts, or go to authority - you can just threaten your way through and it will be fine.

Rationale I refer you to the last line of my previous post on this subject.

I dont agree that 'trouble' is synonymous with physical violence to most six year olds - mercifully.

I am neither short-sighted nor lucky when it comes to domestic violence. In fact I have been unlucky enough to see it within a very near sighted range on many occasions.

From what I can gather, this child is neither neglected nor abused. I am inclined to believe that (like a lot of children out here) he is probably just spoilt and undisciplined.

crazycanuck your situation is different, you witnessed it and gave a frim and reasonable admonishment. At dds 3rd party one little girl purposefully went to poke another little girl in the eye with a stick, I had to be fairly swift and sharp with her, Mother nowhere in sight.

But it's a bit different from just appearing in front of her and making a threat.

Not sure you should have done that to a six year old, though I was sorely tempted to do the same to my DC2's classmate. As it happened I gave him 'the look' a few times and went through the teacher. It is heartbreaking when a child is having problems at school, but best I think to follow the proper routes.

As it happens, all the children in this family at our school are spiteful, and knowing the mother, I can see exactly where they get it from. They need strong words from school because they won't be getting it from their parents.

I hope it is resolved for you now OP.

OP lack of boundaries is form of neglect in itself, can make kids very anxious and aggressive.

Crazy - the difference is that when you approached the lad, you knew exactly what had happened because you saw the incident. In those circumstances, I have no issue. And neither does it sound as though you waved a finger inches from the kids face and made threats.

The difference here is that a) the OP doesn't actually know what's happened because she didn't see it (and while I take the point that asking the other kid could result in him trying to come up with excuses surely in any civilised society we ask all parties involved? They do in any other situation, among adults, where accusations have been made).
b) The way she went about it was incredibly intimidating, especially when it is an adult dealing with a young child. I say again, if someone I did not know came up and hissed at me that there would be trouble, I'd be terrified, and I'm not six.

Sorry - the last line of my previous post I was referring you to was - ' I dont agree that 'trouble' is synonymous with physical violence to most six year olds - mercifully ' - and should have been in inverted commas obviously '

It is one thing to have a quiet word with another child when you have actually witnessed aggression taking place, although whether the school playground is the right place to do this is debatable. It is quite another to intimidate a child and wag your finger in his face on the basis of a report from a 6 year old.

madam52

I take your point and apologise that I misunderstood.

Out here 'trouble' doesn't mean anything that bad. It means getting told off by the teachers, or your parents being informed, or something. Certainly doesn't have the connotations that have been suggested here.

"i informt hem that unless their child leaves my child alone, my dh will hospitalise the dominant adult male in their lives"

Bravo Custardo!
A school mate of mine run a racketeering "firm" in the mid-90s in Russia (you know the kind they provided irons for people's backs etc). If I were not married, do you think it would ok to call a few favours or is it now really a step too far?

YANBU - he's been told off - not the end of the world. If he doesn't hurt your son again there will be no 'trouble' anyway.

FWIW I think you should check things out more next time, don't jump so far ahead you feel uncomfortable and imagine if that boy was your son. You reacted this time - respond next time

OP would you or would you not be happy if you found out the other Mum did exactly the same thing to your son tomorrow?

Would you see it as ok that she threatened your child because her child told her that your son beat him up and she believed him without checking the facts?

Its nothing to do with not caring about the homelife of the other child. OP hs no control over that whatsoever and sadly that is up to teachers etc to ascertain. However she does have a fundamental role to protect her DS and whatever is going on with the other child he does not have the right to take it out on her child.

She went through the proper channels and got no where and so she gave the child in question a telling off to the effect that there would be consequences if he didn't stop bullying.. OP I don't think you were BU