to say this to a child?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

though i can understand why you wanted to do what you did you are in the wrong to threaten a young child in such a way, you have become the bully and you are the adult

not a good example to set your son either, you coould have had a word with him, asked him why he hit your son and ask him not to do it again and if he did you would go to the headmaster/mistress

Lol at rich people not being drug users.

OMG OP I've hard it all now

"Just to put things in context... this is not some run-down city in the UK. These children are at a good, private school and have help at home. They are not suffering through poverty or having drug-addicted parents."

You are letting yourself down more and more with idiotic, short sighted poorly thought out comments like this.

The last few safeguarding referrals I made were for well off, doctorate level educated families who's children attend private school. Even more worrying that you have such a narrow minded attitude towards poverty and "run down cities in the uk" I'd rather live in my "run down city" than in your wondrous wealthy enclave with people like you .

Lol at rich people not being drug users.

It's not about being rich! We don't really have much of an illegal drug problem out here, on account of the death sentences imposed for possession.

Also, you are not allowed to stay here if you don't have a job. There is 0% unemployment amongst the expats in the UAE.

minx, you completely missed the point I was trying to make.

What is that point? That is is OK to threaten 6 year olds provided they aren;t from a run down sink estate?

that does not mean you do not have domestic violence situations which this little boy may be involved in

No, not at all. I was attempting to counter the suggestion that this child could be from a background of poverty, unemployment and drugs. That is the point I was trying to make, nothing else.

You're just digging deeper OP.

Tbh the op isnt going to change her mind and sadly there are many people on this thread who agree with her.

that does not mean you do not have domestic violence situations which this little boy may be involved in

Could be (although I doubt it), but does this mean that I should allow my DS to be a punchbag?

I would be interested to know what the real events were OP. You havent actually bothered to find out yet the true picture. You are only going by what a 6 year old says. When ds was 6 he told me his teacher locked him in a cupboard. I knew it wasnt true. I wonder what you would have done in my situation.

What difference does his background make? You, an adult, have threatened a 6 year old child whilst making an aggressive gesture, which in the UK technically constitutes assault.

How many times have you spoken to the teacher about the boy?

What difference does his background make?

It doesn't. However, certain people were suggesting that it could account for his behaviour.

Fair play op, your job is to protect you DS, you tried the 'proper' channels with no avail, so sorted it yourself, and your DS knows that you will stand by him, thats very important to a child. Fwiw I would do exactly the same thing. Granted you DS goes to a lovely private school where all the DC are cared for properly and this lad is simply a little shit. Mine dont, they go to bog standard state school, I couldnt care less if poor impoverished little shit was picking on mine as a posed to happy homelife little shit. My job as a parent starts and ends with my DC, i will not set my DC the example that its okay for little shit with crap life to pick on you because he has a crap life....not a chance. Its a shame for them true, but my DC will not be used as a frustration outlet. Sod that!

Keep up the good work OP, you may have saved a few other DC going through crap with the lad because hes thinking a litle more about his actions :)

You dont actually know what his behaviour was though, only your own.

Do people honestly believe that children in good private schools are all cared for properly????

No one has said you should but you were well out of order. You ve had lots of good advice as to how you might have addressed the situation better but you're actually not interested. One if these days you might just find that one if these middle-class mums will boot your arse for scaring her kid! I can only live in hope!

Hackmum - nice words to use about a six year old. I'm assuming that if your child does something that upsets another, you will be ahppy for people who have no knowledge of your kid to call them a little shit? Lovely.

And I love the idea that child abuse only happens in run down UK cities (OP). Or that drug addiction only happens in places like that. I know, personally, of more drug addicts among 'nice' families who had enough money to send their kids to posh boarding schools because the kids had spare money, than I do among rough families. (This includes one kid in his early twenties who has just died of an overdose - his family are definitely not from a run down part of the UK). And the one instance of sexual abuse I know of happened in a 'nice' family. You'd never have known from the outside - kid always had lovely stuff and looked beautifully turned out. Turns out, she had nice stuff because Daddy was coming into her bed every night and buying her things to keep her quiet about it. You said you hadn't long been in the area, so you Don't Know. You are making assumptions because it's a nice school. You don't know the kid, you don't know his family, you don't have the right to threaten.
My dd knows when I say 'there will be trouble' that it doesn't mean I will be using violence against her. But if someone I didn't know marched up to me in the street and said that, I'd be scared - same words, but I don't know this person and therefore I have no idea what their idea of 'trouble' is. Is it keying my car? Or yelling at me? Or pushing me down a flight of stairs? Without a frame of reference (which this lad does not have) he has no idea what you mean by it and therefore you were not stating facts (as someone else said) because you didn't tell him exactly what the consequence would be (I will be talking to your Mum/the teacher etc), you just got right into his face and threatened him. As the adult, supposed to be showing these kids how to sort out issues between them effectively, I think you did a crap job.

I only read to page six, but I don't think the OP did anything wrong.

She spoke to the school and told them the problem. It didn't resolve anything. Maybe it didn't resolve anything because teachers cannot tell children off in the same way that parents can. Maybe the boy needed to be told in no uncertain terms that if he continues with his nasty behaviour then there will be consequenses that he won't like. And if the boy doesn't care about the consequenses the school will dish out, then he might start to care about the consequenses his victims parent will dish out.

Sometimes children, even six year olds, weigh up how much fun they are having compared to the punishment they are likely to get, and quite reasonably decide the punishment is worth taking.

So the school could stop the boy going out at play time, but so what? My very intelligent child used to decide it wasn't worth doing his homework at home because if he didn''t he wouldn't have to go out at playtime. It was cold, the other boys would be doing something he wasn't interested in anyway, so he may as well stay in and do his work instead. Obviously we stamped that out and it was a long time ago now, but it does go to show that children need to be slightly fearful of the consequenses of their actions otherwise there is no incentive for them to stop displaying the bad behaviour that they probably get some enjoyment out of.

Six year olds are cleverer than they get given credit for. Yes, they are still children who cannot undertstand things from an adult perspective, but if a three year old knows it is wrong to hurt others then so does a six year old. All th Op did was make this bully aware that she was aware, and tell him that she would not allow his behaviour to continue. That is a good thing imo.

Oh, and if the boy is being abused or neglected at home, then while that is very sad, it is not the OP's child's problem, and it is not an excuse for bullying.

Do people honestly believe that children in good private schools are all cared for properly????

Of course not. As I said, I was addressing those who suggested that poverty and/or drugs could be a factor.

when did i say that it was ok for this boy to hit your son. you are teh adult here it is not ok what the boy did but neither is it ok for you to threaten a child and that is what you have done, you shoudl have acted in an adult way set a good example to your son and to this boy not become the bully yourself

Omfg, do people really not give a shit about why these kids behave like they do? I mean really? You watch children in need or red nose day and feel nothing? As long as your little precious is ok. Shame on you!

babybythesea, you need to read the posts properly. We do not have a widespread illegal drugs problem out here because of the death sentences imposed. And there is no unemployment amongst the expats - if you lose your job, you leave.

Nothing to do with coming from a 'nice' family.