to say this to a child?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

OK, my DS is being regularly beaten up by a boy in his year. My DS is 6 years old and the other child is about the same. I have spoken to the teacher about it, and she spoke to the child. We thought that would be the end of it. However, my DS came home on Thursday and told us that not only had this child done it again, but he was getting other children to hit him, too. I asked DH where the teacher was, and he said that she was talking to some other children, so didn't see. He said he then went to speak to her but she was busy talking to other people, and then the bell went.

So, I have been seething about this all weekend. My DS is a delightful little boy and wants to be friends with everyone. I love him so much and cannot bear the thought of anybody hurting him.

So, this morning I asked DS to point out this child, which he did. I went over to the child with my DS so that he knew who I was. I bent down to the child's level, pointed my finger an inch from his face, and said: "if you ever hurt my son again, there will be trouble. Do you understand me?" The child's lip started quivering and he walked away.

I was stood in the playground for a while to keep an eye on things, and this child kept looking at me. It occurred to me afterwards that as I was wearing sunglasses, he could not see whether or not I was looking at him. He looked a bit intimidated and afterwards I felt quite bad.

My job is to protect my child, non? But why do I feel so bad? And WIBU? Thanks.

The age of criminal responsibility in the UK is 10.

FFS, of course you are threatening. You are threatening them with unstated consequences. Threatening a six year old child.

when my DS (6 at the time) was at his childminders another boy who was older told him some things about what he had seen on tv late at night that were inappropriate, the childminder thought when my son was talking about it that we let him sit up late watching tv in his room and told us. I was that he knew such stuff, he did not have his own tv and went to bed early. questioned him and eventually he cried and said the older boy kept taking him out of childminders way and telling him 'dirty' things he had seen, well I put childminder right and asked if I coud have a word with the boy, and told him in my gruffiest voice that if I wanted my son to know these things then I and only me would be the one to tell him, NOT some dirty minded little boy (12) who should know better and that if he EVER did it again I would have more words. he was suitably scared to be confronted and CM told his parents. never had another problem from him

Rational, make that a woman much bigger and stronger than you.

So you picked your child up from school and he was very pale and said his tummy hurt from being punched- and you didn't march straight into the school and refuse to leave until you saw the Head?

Also l often told my DCs there would be 'trouble' if they did xyz again or didnt do xyz. I know for a fact they did not think for one minute that meant they would get knocked round the house but rather they would get treats or priviledges withdrawn etc etc. I dont agree that 'trouble' is synonymous with physical violence to most six year olds - mercifully.

Madam - you have no idea what this prticular child equates 'trouble' with.

I'm amazed at the number of people here who think it is perfectly acceptable to threaten a 6 yr old. No doubt those of you with 6 yr olds will never come on here posting about the behaviour of another adult towards your 6 yr old, since you are here condoning the OP's behaviour .

I don't think it acceptable at all. If the class teacher didn't deal with the problem to the OP's satisfaction then she should have spoken to the head. She hasn't witnessed the behaviour first hand and she hasn't reverted to say that her ds was physically marked by the other child. Ime 6 yr olds aren't known for their impartial veracity.

The only time I've had a word with another child about behaviour towards my ds was when I witnessed and heard it first hand. Other child (same year but nearly a year older than ds) was horrible to ds when I was dropping him at school. I said to the other child that I didn't think that was a nice thing to do and if he did it again then ds would be going to see the teacher. Subsequently half the parents in that child's class ended up seeing the head about his behaviour but that is a whole other thread.

I think you have been very unreasonable indeed. Not sure why you couldn't have spoken to the teacher today because of a helicopter. In the UK the classrooms have ceilings, which tends to deaden the noise of over flying aircraft. I assume there is the same set up in the UAE (admittedly I've only visited offices, hotels, restaurants and shops there so I appreciate that schools may be different ).

The OP was bullying, threatening and intimidating and her behaviour was unacceptable.

I say to dd they'll be "trouble" because I'm HER mum and she knows me and what I mean and she knows it doesn't mean violence or any equally grim repercussions, it means no treats, time out, etc.

I might say "they'll be trouble if this carries on " to her friends semi jokingly, equally because they know me, I would never ever say it to a strange child in a playground accompanied by a finger point. That's horrible.

The key being that they are your children, madam.

This child has, apparently, been physically bullying the OPs child. What do you imagine he thinks "trouble" means?

Well out of order!! how dare you intimidate a young child like that? you should have brought it up with school AGAIN! and if this didnt work then have a word with the parents. Why on earth did you point your finger in his face? tell you something if anyone intimidated one of mine like you did, i would show them just how it feels!

What exactly do you think you have taught your son by doing this?

i know, personally and professionally several children who sometimes bully and hurt other children. I'm talking actual bullying rather than "my Mums prettier than yours" kind of stuff which is normal IMO.

They all without exception have a pattern of inconsistency of care, disordered relationships and other hideousness in their life.

Maybe worth thinking about OP

I have had an extreme situation regarding a parent being told that he'd been hurt by another child which would make me hope that parents would always approach the school rather than the child.
When my ds was in year one so around the same age as OP's son I had a call from the HT warning me to expect the police as a father had been stopped from entering the school (he actually got as far as the classroom) because he was threatening to "sort out" my son who he said had kicked his son the day previously.
When prevented from getting to my son he became irate and ran off threatening to fire bomb our house instead hence the call to police.
This man had at no point approached the school regarding the kick and so the school knew nothing about it.
It transpired the man who was a known criminal (I had no knowledge of either the child or his father) had spotted a bruise on his son and knowing that his child was on the at risk register and a SW visit due set about grilling his son.
His son didn't know where he'd got a bruise but didn't want to make his Daddy angry so gave an explanation that would stop him questioning him and named my son
He was apprehended and spent a day in the cells to cool off and later apologised to school and myself once the school spoke sensitively to his child to get the full story.

Just to clear up some misunderstandings, the helicopter was today. I spoke to the teacher last week about this child and she promised to sort it out. The following day DS was hit/kicked/punched again and so I asked her about it and she said she hadn't had a chance to do anything, but she would deal with it. Tomorrow. I believe she spoke to the child. The following day (or day after, not sure, but it was Thursday), DS said that the child was still doing these things and coercing other children into doing them to him, also. One of the visible injuries is to his ear. I am not sure how the child did it, but the skin from his ear has been scraped off somehow. It is red raw still and very sore. DS also - as I mentioned - complained of pains in his stomach where he had been punched.

Also, knowing something about the structure of the school, I am certain that this child does not have special needs. Not that that would excuse his behaviour.

minx

That was my point earlier, she has no idea if she's just one in a list of adults who intimidate this child. She appears not to give a shit though.

I still do not agree that saying 'there will be trouble' is anywhere even in the same vicinity of the ball park of 'you will be subject to physical violence'.

Well you're very lucky that you have no knowledge of children who equate trouble with actual abuse then. Very shortsighted but lucky.

OP, you obviously believe you were not only reasonable but entitled to behave like this, I'm not sure why you asked for opinions. The child may not have special needs, usually meaning some kind of learning difficulty, but he may well not know any better due to poor parenting at best, and abuse at worst.

Just to put things in context... this is not some run-down city in the UK. These children are at a good, private school and have help at home. They are not suffering through poverty or having drug-addicted parents.

I'm baffled by people's responses about school buses I rode on a bus starting in kindergarten and there were no other adults on it but the driver. Everyone did! When I started posting on Mumsnet I didn't know what "doing the school run" meant. :)

I've worked at a school for years and have said this or similar to lots of children, but then again, I work there.

Honestly, if my son were bullying and this was said to him (finger in face and all) I would not be upset. I loathe bullies.

But madam - just supposing this child is beaten at home by his parents or someone, they might preface the beating with "you're in trouble now". Whilst we are all making wild assumptions, it is not possible to assume that "there will be trouble" does NOT mean physical violence to a child who is physically abused.

Still no excuse, why did you not speak to the boys parents?

A couple of comments to all the people who are saying the the OP is BU.

A six year old child is pretty much defenceless - they are reliant on adults to take care of them. Imagine if you were going into work and every day someone was punching you. Would that be tolerable? If not, why on earth would you expect your child to go into that situation?

Second point. One of the things I remember about a child is not being believed by adults. So some little shit hits you in the playground. You tell a teacher. The teacher asks the little shit for his version. The little shit says, "Oh, but she hit me first" (a lie). The teacher says, "So, it's six of one and half a dozen of another, then" and either ignores you both or (as once happened to me) punishes you both.

I'd be prepared to be my life savings that if the teacher had approached the little shit in this case for his version of the story, said little shit would have told some lie about it being the fault of the OP's DS. And the OP wouldn't have been further along. It appears from what the OP has written subsequently that she has dealt with the situation swiftly and effectively.

YANBU

I know its not ideal and things should be sorted another way. But sometimes the old fashioned way is the best and quickest.

If my NT 6 year old was bullying and refusing to stop and the other parent warned them to stop or they would be in trouble - I wouldnt like it but I would totally understand why they did it.

Threatening with violence no - threatening them with consquences - yes.

A quick DONT DO IT sometimes works ten times better than a protracted system of school warnings and star charts.

OP ffs are you really trying to suggest that kids in your school are all beautifully cared for just because it's not a slum? You are really naive!

Does parents often threaten 6 years old in good private schools? Is it acceptable there because it isnt in state schools?