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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset at racism accusation due to dd1's comment in town.

598 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 09:59

dd1 is 3 and said loudly "look mummy that lady has a chocolate face." The woman heard and said " nice to see you training her to be racist already!" I was really shocked. dd didn't mean offence it was an observation that her skin colour was the same as chocolate. She's only met a few people from other races due to us living in the West Country but I've always explained skin colour in the same way as hair and eye colour being different.

She did say it once before about Tiger Woods on TV but I decided to ignore it and not make an issue. dd now is asking what racist is and I don't think a 3yo needs to know - they don't see colour as a issue or feel superior etc. Left me shaken and actally quite cross. I really think the lady was being oversensitive.

OP posts:
tethersend · 18/11/2011 11:31

I think he'll probably draw quite a crowd, Hully.

A crowd of people wanting to thank him, obviously.

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 11:34

Oh I think so.

or possibly compliment him on his nice white outfit

whoopeecushion · 18/11/2011 11:34

Everyone who is berating the OP should read the thread title again.

"AIBU to be upset at racism accusation due to dd1's comment in town"

The OP was accused of being racist and she is upset by it. Had she been remotely racist, why would she give a crap about being accused of being racist and why would she then post on MN?

SardineQueen · 18/11/2011 11:34

worra here "Hully 'Chocolate face' would be offensive if it were used by an adult or by a child with the intention to offend."

WilsonFrickett · 18/11/2011 11:34

hester great post and exactly what I was trying to phrase, but you've done it so much better than me.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 18/11/2011 11:35

I said the same when I was two. The woman was over sensitive, but maybe she was having a bad day and perhaps she feels prejudice is all around.

I live in a mixed city and DS2 thought children with dark skin were dirty when he was tiny, children are inherently racist/prejudice to difference. We just made more of an effort to point out difference and be positive about it.

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 11:37

Hester, I have never felt the need to be proactive in making sure my children have multi cultural things, and I don't know why you should be surprised at that.

It is enough to teach our children that everyone has equal worth and you should be kind and considertate to everyone. And then to explain, when it comes up, that people come in all different colours, shapes and sizes.

I am not going to go out of my way to teach my children that black people are the same, because they are already taught that everyone is the same and outward differences are just that. I will explain why that is, and reinforce that we shouldn't make judgemnts about appearances, but that goes for fat people, short people, limbless or otherwise disabled people, or people who have decided to dye their haor bright blue.

I will not focus on skin colour, because that turns it into something bigger than I think it has to be.

My dc are both very aware of how ugly racism is, and how hurtful it can be, and they both have close Asian friends. It's not a big deal, and that's the way I think it should be. To teach it any other way creates a divide that doesn't need to exist imo.

MmeLindor. · 18/11/2011 11:38

Hully
No, sorry. I was speaking hypothetically. I would have of course ranted commented on that if I had seen it. I meant that if the situation were to come up then I would talk to the children about it, I woudl not go out of my way to point it out to them.

I am explaining this badly.

If I were with them and I were to see something that I considered racist, then I would comment on it. But as yet, that has not happened.

Aside from the ranting when I see the Swiss police stop cars at the borders. If you are ever wanting to smuggle something into Switzerland, get your black mate to drive in the car in front of you.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 18/11/2011 11:38

Woman was a bit quick to have a go (maybe she was having a bad day) but really, it is never OK for anyone (even 3yos) to comment audibly on anyone's appearance.

Most children manage to shame their parents by doing so at some point though I guess.

However YANBU to be upset - because it is horrible to be accused of being a bigot when you're certain you aren't.

FreudianSlipper · 18/11/2011 11:38

how long does it take to say no

child says look that women has a chocolate face

parent says no blah blah blah

i did not have time to respond is a crock of shit, you want everyone to agree and sadly many people have that this black woman was in the wrong here, it was all harmless observation well it was but you doing fuck all is not ok

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 11:40

Grin mme Lindor

I did think it a bit odd that you would have not said anything while bananas were hurled...

worraliberty · 18/11/2011 11:42

Sardine you're still confusing me Confused

How am I saying it's ok?

I'm saying it would be offensive

But imo it's not necessarily offensive from an innocent 3yr old and the black woman was ignorant and rude to assume the OP had taught her child to be racist.

Now, I can't put it any clearer than that so there it is.

JeremyVile · 18/11/2011 11:43

Sorry, I haven't read the thread. Unfortunately I cant be bothered Sad

But this didn't actually happen, did it?

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 11:44

worra here "Hully 'Chocolate face' would be offensive if it were used by an adult or by a child with the intention to offend."

The corollary being that it would be fine if there was no intention to offend.

You may not have meant that, but it is what you said.

Birdsgottafly · 18/11/2011 11:44

"children are inherently racist/prejudice to difference."

Children learn to be racist or prejudice. Your child thinking that the black children were dirty, is mearly a lack of knowledge.

It is for the adults around them to give them the knowledge, rather than teaching intolerance. If a wrong use of language is allowed to continue (as the OP allowed) then that is showing the child that it is acceptable to not be tolerent of diffence and when challenged they will become defensive because no-one likes to admit that they/their parents were wrong.

worraliberty · 18/11/2011 11:44

Well if you can't be bothered to even read it Jeremy why would you even care?

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 11:46

yeah Jeremy, Madagascan Vanilla Face

tethersend · 18/11/2011 11:46

"The OP was accused of being racist and she is upset by it. Had she been remotely racist, why would she give a crap about being accused of being racist and why would she then post on MN?"

The thing is, I'm finding it very hard to have sympathy for the hurt feelings of someone who cannot see how much this comment- even by an innocent 3 yr old- must have hurt the feelings of the other woman.

grovel · 18/11/2011 11:46

We are getting hot and bothered by a non-event.

FreudianSlipper · 18/11/2011 11:47

i am not sure it happened either but still replied

it does seem more along the lines well this racist thing has gone too far white people can not do anything without black/asian people playing the race card pc gone mad and white people suffer racisim too

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 11:47

yeah but no but, tethers, innit?

worraliberty · 18/11/2011 11:47

Hully and Sardine I see why you've got the wrong end of the stick...let me type it how I meant it....

'Chocolate face' would be offensive if it were used by an adult because an adult would know it to be an offensive term.

It would also be offensive if used by a child who knew it was offensive because they would be using it with the intention to offend.

Unlike a 3 year old who would not know it was offensive and therefore couldn't possibly intend it to offend Smile

tethersend · 18/11/2011 11:48

Oh, you massive, massive cunt, Hully.

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 11:50

That's fine, me old beef curtain chops

JeremyVile · 18/11/2011 11:51

I've read most of it actually Worra.... was being facetiousforwardslashcheekyforwardslashtongueincheek.

Hully - shove it you utter Pea-faced witch

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