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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset at racism accusation due to dd1's comment in town.

598 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 09:59

dd1 is 3 and said loudly "look mummy that lady has a chocolate face." The woman heard and said " nice to see you training her to be racist already!" I was really shocked. dd didn't mean offence it was an observation that her skin colour was the same as chocolate. She's only met a few people from other races due to us living in the West Country but I've always explained skin colour in the same way as hair and eye colour being different.

She did say it once before about Tiger Woods on TV but I decided to ignore it and not make an issue. dd now is asking what racist is and I don't think a 3yo needs to know - they don't see colour as a issue or feel superior etc. Left me shaken and actally quite cross. I really think the lady was being oversensitive.

OP posts:

Bennifer · 18/11/2011 10:33

I grew up in the West Country as well, and when I was about six, I said to my mum at the doctor's "Why does the doctor have brown skin". My mum was mortified apparently (I only remember vaguely) and he explained he came from a hot country.

However, as to whether it made me a racist, well, I'm now a BNP councillor

porcamiseria · 18/11/2011 10:34

I am sure OP, and her child are not racist

but as we teach our klids, I think its worth teaching them that these comments are not---ideal

racism against black people is still rife, just last week John Terry called Rio Ferdinancd a black cunt. my black mate wont go to a football match as people make monkey noises as the black players. just 2 recent excamples

so so easy for us to say that woman was being a bitch, but living in a society (especially non urban) where you have a black face cant be easy. To hear a bay call her chocolate face cannot have been nice hence her reaction, she was probably upset!

but yes, poor OP, poor her child. what a MEAN lady

whatever

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 18/11/2011 10:35

cunt face? CUNT FACE? why the fuck would the child have said cunt face? why? where wouuld she have heard that word and how would she know what a cunt looked like to know that a face resembled one? what an idiotic comparison.

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 10:36

porcamiseria - not going to take the opinion about being offensive from you as your language shows me that you actually don't know what offensive means. And no dd wouldn't know the c word but that's entirely different - dd loves chocolate so saw it as a compliment.

OP posts:

whoopeecushion · 18/11/2011 10:36

YANBU.

My 4yo DD has a friend from school who is black. Her and her mum came round for tea. I am not even sure if my DD had realised that her friend had different colour skin to her as she had never mentioned it, but when the friend's mum was round, DD went over to her, picked up her arm and said - "it's like chocolate".

There is nothing remotely racist about it and actually, chocolate is a nice thing to be compared to! It is a simple young child's observation of the fact that a person's skin is a similar colour to chocolate. The mother was not remotely offended - why would she be?

I would go so far as to say that the lady who accused you of training your DD to be racist is actually the racist one herself.

There are so many innocent things people do and then get accused of being racist that there is no hope of eradicating racism. Because people are tackling it where it does not exist, instead of focussing on tackling it where it really does exist.

worraliberty · 18/11/2011 10:37

Bloody hell Firawla I would simply say it's not polite to comment on what strangers look like and save the racism chat for when she's older than 3yrs

If she'd said "Look mummy, that lady's got a huge bum and belly" and it was an accurate description...would you then go launch into a conversation about diet/health/eating disorders etc...or would you just say "Shhh it's not nice to comment on what strangers look like as it can hurt their feelings"?

porcamiseria · 18/11/2011 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

porcamiseria · 18/11/2011 10:40

can noone get that a black lady, one of the few people living in a west country town, might have just been a teensy bit upset??? that maybe she is well aware she is in a minority? that maybe the old white neighbours huff and puff at her? that this could be the straw that broke camels back?

my black friends HATE going to the country for this very reason

TeapotsInJune · 18/11/2011 10:40

I am trying to think how I'd have dealt with this sort of incident.

The problem is, while laughing it off or saying something "nice" about chocolate might mean it appeals to the little girl into doing it again - a bit like baby talk, people often think it is "cute" and then you still have children at age seven or whatever lisping about brum brums and bow wows!

Obviously in this case the lady didn't give a chance for the OP to respond but I do think saying something to the little girl along the lines of (as already mentioned) "you were not to know but chocolate face is an unkind thing to say when you see people who have that colour skin. It hurts their feelings."

Is three really too young to know that commenting loudly on people's appearance isn't on? I don't know.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 18/11/2011 10:41

and i'm telling you it isn't an example. because cunt is a swear word. it is offensive. chocolate is not. think about it.

larrygrylls · 18/11/2011 10:41

Racism is being mean or condescending to someone due to their race, not using a correct descriptive adjective. The woman did have a "chocolate" face and should be very proud of it. And this was a 3 year old speaking.

For most 3 year olds, chocolate is one of their favourite foods so can hardly be considered insulting. It is only silly adults extrapolating her thinking in a negative direction that could ever construe that as racist.

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 10:43

Good point, well made

And chocolate is a nice thing to be compared to. Three yo's generally love chocolate so how can it possibly be offensive!?

ElaineReese · 18/11/2011 10:43

Everyone keeps talking about being black and equating it with being overweight: I get that that's because they're both things a child might notice and comment on, but still - the idea that referring to someone's colour 'hurts their feelings' is not quite right!

'Dd loves chocolate so saw it as a compliment' - but that's like saying it's a compliment to say black people are good at running, or have big willies. When your dd said it, obviously it was innocent, but the chocolate colour-black people connection needs to be discussed with her as not OK.

I still think you should have said something when she made the comment the first time tbh. But in this case I'd just say 'that lady was too cross and I know you were being nice, but we don't make comments about anything to do with how people look'.

FreudianSlipper · 18/11/2011 10:44

so op why did you not correct your daughter when she made the remark about tiger woods, it is not making an issue out of something it is educating her that brown people are not made of chocolate

porcamiseria · 18/11/2011 10:46

slavetofilofax what a fucking ignorant comment

so as chocolate is nice, its OK to call bkack people chocolate!!!

SWEET FUCKING JESUS

worraliberty · 18/11/2011 10:47

for that woman being called chocolate face could have been as hurtful as being called cuntface, thats was my point

everyone is spectacularly missing the point here

porcam I think it's you who is missing the point here.

"Chocolate" was a visual description/comparison used by a 3yr old who knows what chocolate looks like.

"Cunt" would be a different thing altogether because one would assume a 3yr old wouldn't know what a 'cunt' looks like...let alone that that's a word used for a vagina.

Also, I'm sure I've never seen a human being with a face that resembles a vagina.

To this 3yr old, the lady's skin did resemble chocolate...that's the point here

DrHeleninahandcart · 18/11/2011 10:47

You allow your DD to use inappropriate language and don't challenge it.
You allow your DD to be offend

Of course your DD is not racist, but by doing nothing, yes you are enabling her and effectively you are teaching her tits ok to use racist language.

That you are complaining about the woman DD offended after she has pointed this out just make the point

As for the argument that you live in Devon and there are not many black people there, now you know one of the reasons why.

YANBU

larrygrylls · 18/11/2011 10:48

You're all mad. Children's vocab is very plastic. They love playing with words. I imagine when the OP's daughter said it, it was in a metaphorical sense. I am sure she did not actually believe Tiger Wood's face was constructed of chocolate and therefore edible. Why did she need correcting? It is a lovely descriptive term. Are you so politically correct that no descriptive adjectives are allowed about colour at all? If so, you might as well ban 90% of novels.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/11/2011 10:48

my black friends HATE going to the country for this very reason

Can you not see the irony in that statement?

And am I the only person who saw the bit where the OP said the woman spoke before she'd had a chance to talk to her child?

DrHeleninahandcart · 18/11/2011 10:49

its, not tits

WilsonFrickett · 18/11/2011 10:49

To be fair, the woman didn't accuse the 3 yo of being racist, she accused the OP of teaching the child to be racist. And, as (according to the post) the OP didn't do anything to correct the child or apologise to the woman, what was she supposed to think?

And it's not for a white person to tell a black person they are being oversensitive about their colour, or attention being drawn to their colour, actually.

porcamiseria · 18/11/2011 10:49

well I dont agree, many people here clearly have zero empathy as to what I would be like being the only black face in a white town, and lving with racist comments daily. hence why she may have reacted this way

but hey, as you called her chocolate (lovely sweet chocolate) thats OK!!!!

what if she had said that lady looks like MUD??? thats still visual , or SHIT, thats brown

MmeLindor. · 18/11/2011 10:49

Porca
the OP has said that she did not have a chance to say anything to her daughter, the other woman was quicker.

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 10:50

If one of my dc had used the expression "chocolate face" at 3 years old, I would have been deeply ashamed and embarrassed, no matter where I lived.

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 10:50

And I agree with Porca.

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