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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be upset at racism accusation due to dd1's comment in town.

598 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 09:59

dd1 is 3 and said loudly "look mummy that lady has a chocolate face." The woman heard and said " nice to see you training her to be racist already!" I was really shocked. dd didn't mean offence it was an observation that her skin colour was the same as chocolate. She's only met a few people from other races due to us living in the West Country but I've always explained skin colour in the same way as hair and eye colour being different.

She did say it once before about Tiger Woods on TV but I decided to ignore it and not make an issue. dd now is asking what racist is and I don't think a 3yo needs to know - they don't see colour as a issue or feel superior etc. Left me shaken and actally quite cross. I really think the lady was being oversensitive.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 18/11/2011 15:03

racist i am not sure but you are coming across as ignorant

MrsHeffley · 18/11/2011 15:06

How exactly?

FreudianSlipper · 18/11/2011 15:21

that people do not judge on skin colour Hmm

does it matter that all black people may not be offended this woman was and it is 2011 we should have moved on from thinking this way if a black/asian person says it is then why can that not be accepted

so where do you live?

mynewpassion · 18/11/2011 15:23

The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Albert Einstein

Davsmum · 18/11/2011 15:24

If the woman took offence its her own problem - not yours. You are not responsible for her sensitivity or her lack of understanding.
She obviously has a chip on her shoulder.

All you need say to your child is - No,.. its not chocolate - the lady has brown skin, lots of people do.

dancingmustard · 18/11/2011 15:49

There are a lot of professionally offended people getting offended about what a 3 year old said.

A fuss over nothing is what this is.

porcamiseria · 18/11/2011 15:50

She obviously has a chip on her shoulder

yup, LOVELY

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 15:52

People really should stop banging on about this Tiger Woods thing. He was in the news for his affairs at the end of 2009! This child is three years old now!

How should the OP have reacted to a child who was probably only just talking saying that Tiger Woods looked liek chocolate in a way that would have prevented her saying it again nearly two years later? Confused

I'm [shocked] the so many people on her think it's ok for a grown woman to accuse someone of racism because their small child compare the colour of their skin the colour of chocolate.

Accusing a stranger of racism because of an innocent child's comment is a much much worse thing to do than to take a moment before correcting your child when they make an innappropriate comment.

tethersend · 18/11/2011 15:53

PROFESSIONALLY OFFENDED Grin

My bingo card is nearly full... Wink

Capricorn76 · 18/11/2011 15:53

Oh the old 'chip on shoulder'. Haven't heard that one for a while Davsmum. No it is the OPs problem if the woman took offence as it was the Ops daughter who caused offence. If the your child is too young to understand something then it becomes your resposibility to deal with the matter properly. Kids cannot go around saying what they like to anyone and the offended woman does not need to show any understanding. She has the right to walk the streets without being commented on by kids or anyone for that matter. It is not her fault that this was said to her. I guess if your kids went around pointing at disabled people, the victims should show understanding and take the chip off their shoulder. Man alive!

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 15:57

She does have the right to walk the streets without being commented on, but she doesn't have the right to accuse non racist people of racism.

forehead · 18/11/2011 15:57

It took fourteen pages to get to the old 'chip on the shoulder' That's 'progression' methinks

Jins · 18/11/2011 16:00

I'm [shocked] the so many people on her think it's ok for a grown woman to accuse someone of racism because their small child compare the colour of their skin the colour of chocolate.

I'm shocked that anyone thinks that the grown woman was in the wrong to be honest. I'm glad that people speak up when people fail to deal with offence caused inadvertantly by small children.

TroublesomeEx · 18/11/2011 16:03

DD said something similar when she was a similar age. She saw a man and exclaimed "Oh a man made of chocolate!"

I went red and apologised, he laughed and apologised for her for not actually being made out of chocolate.

Racism (like so many other things) is so often in the eye of the beholder and it's the whole argument of whether it is more important that the speaker intended to cause offence or whether the recipient found it offensive.

What's offensive to one person is 'meh' to another.

Having said that, I was a little bit Hmm when a small black boy yelled "milk bottle" at me across a train platform. Because I do not look like a milk bottle!!! And I tend to think that was a racist comment rather than an innocent observation. But hey....

TroublesomeEx · 18/11/2011 16:05

to her not for her

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 16:05

Wow, my massive typing errors look even worse in bold.

How do we know that it wasn't going to be dealt with though? Simple answer is, we don't. We weren't given that information. We are talking about a possibly fictional scenario, with very little information. If it entered the OP's head to deal with it, all be it in possibly the wrong way, then that says to me that she's not a racist person.

If you believe that racism is the awful thing that it is, why would you not also see that it is awful to be falsely accused of it?

Capricorn76 · 18/11/2011 16:10

@Dancingmustard. For the thousandth time, nobody has accused the 3 year old of being racist. However, what she said could be construed as such. People are annoyed because the OP doesn't appear to be bothered that her child thinks its okay to call people 'chocolate face' and when confronted by someone (whom I may add, confronted her and not the child as she clearly didn't blame the child) is more annoyed that the person took offence when she should be embarrassed that her child said it. She also made no effort to teach the child that what she said was wrong. It's about parental responsibility.

Everyone should be able to go about their day without anyone commenting on their skin colour, size, how many wrinkles they have (heard someone point out someone elses wrinkles once) etc. If your kid opffends someone, you must apologise on behalf of the child and teach the child it's wrong. It's simple good manners. The OP obviously knows she was unreasonable because she hasn't been back.

Expecting someone to say the woman should have smiled and shook the OPs hand soon.

Jins · 18/11/2011 16:11

I do see that's it's awful to be falsely accused. I do believe that racism is awful.

I think the OP failed to demonstrate that she wasn't 'training her child to be racist' from what we have been told. If your child has caused offence then the onus is on you to show by your actions that you are not in the wrong. It's not a question of being given a chance or not. It's something she should have done

TroublesomeEx · 18/11/2011 16:14

Tbh, you can talk to your children as much as you like, but sometimes they say things they shouldn't and sometimes things surprise them.

Some people live in very mixed areas where everyone looks very different and they just grow up accepting it. Some people live in very white/black areas and no matter how many books, toys, tv programmes children are exposed to, the reality is that when you come face to face with someone who looks different to other people you have experienced in your daily life it's a bit of a shock when you're only 3 years old.

I'd imagine the lady the OP refers to has probably just had enough of ignoring other people's comments and remarks and hearing it from a 3 year old made her just think "Is there no escape??!!"

depob · 18/11/2011 16:20

Puts me in mind of a story my mum tells. When I was very small we had a visit from one of my father's university friends. He was from Senegal and had extremely dark skin. I raced over and sat next to him, my amazement and curiosity obvious to all. I took his arm and carefully examined it for a long time, turning it this way and that, then said loudly "Mummy, why...(terrible hush from all the adults)... why are his hands so pink?"

Capricorn76 · 18/11/2011 16:20

@Slaveto filofax. The scenario given by the Op could look like racism (from the OP not the child) to the woman. The woman was walking the street minding her own business when a small girl calls her chocolate face and her mother doesn't even acknowledge it. In her position wouldn't you suspect that her mother had race issues if she's not even going to try to correct her child? Obviously I cannot speak for the offended woman but if the Op had at least tried to tell her child that what she said was wrong, the offended woman may still have been offended but wouldn't have told the Op off? If my kid said something offensive about anybody, gay, straight, black, white, disabled etc and I just ignored it, doesn't it show that I kind of agree with it or in the least didn't care?

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 16:20

The OP could well be bothered by what her dd said, but if I was in her situation I would be more bothered by a false accusation from an adult than I would be bothered about an innocent comment from a small child.

If that had been my child, in exactly the situation described, I would want to apologise for any offence cause by my child, of course I would, but by the same token I would expect that apology to be accepted and I would hope that the offended person would be gracious enough to see the remark for what it was.

If they weren't prepared to take the comment for what it was, and instead wanted to fling arround false accusations of something abhorrent, then quite honestly, I wouldn't care if they were offended or not. I would deal with my childs remark away from the over sensitive person who thinks a childs innocent comment gives her the right to make out I'm racist.

pigletmania · 18/11/2011 16:20

If someone gets offended what a 3 year old says she has got a big problem. I am 30 weeks pg and was called old and fat by my friends ds 4 years. Poor friend was mortified but to me he is only little and I know young children are not known fir their tact. The op dd of course is not racist at 3 fgs, and did not make a racist comment, only an observation. It's adults that are putting a racist slant on a very you g Childs comments. Op did explain about difference to her dd before this, you cannot help what comes out f a young Childs mouth. The woman reacted before the op could respond

Jins · 18/11/2011 16:22

FolkGirl

Children can and do say embarrassing things all the time and it is up to us as their parents to correct them and to apologise if necessary. The OP didn't go far enough to put this right.

The 3 year old is not at fault here

pigletmania · 18/11/2011 16:25

I would again explain to my dd about individulal difference

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