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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at racism accusation due to dd1's comment in town.

598 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 09:59

dd1 is 3 and said loudly "look mummy that lady has a chocolate face." The woman heard and said " nice to see you training her to be racist already!" I was really shocked. dd didn't mean offence it was an observation that her skin colour was the same as chocolate. She's only met a few people from other races due to us living in the West Country but I've always explained skin colour in the same way as hair and eye colour being different.

She did say it once before about Tiger Woods on TV but I decided to ignore it and not make an issue. dd now is asking what racist is and I don't think a 3yo needs to know - they don't see colour as a issue or feel superior etc. Left me shaken and actally quite cross. I really think the lady was being oversensitive.

OP posts:
washngo · 18/11/2011 16:25

I don't think you can call a 3 yo child racist, a child of that age is still making innocent observations without malicious intent.

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 16:25

Capricorn, we really don't know how quickly this all happened, and there is every chance that this woman really didn't give the OP time to say anything.

Do you never ever think for a moment before you speak? Especially in a situation where you have to teach your dd the right thing but at the same time, consider the feelings of someone who your dd has just offended. I knwo I would probably wait a moment before speaking, because I would want my reaction to be calm, and suitable.

TroublesomeEx · 18/11/2011 16:26

Jins - no i agree with that of course.

tethersend · 18/11/2011 16:28

Nobody has called a 3 year old child racist.

If they have, please point it out because I really haven't seen anyone do that.

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 16:30

What does it matter if the child wasn't called a racist? Confused

Someone was called racist needlessly, what difference does it make whether it was the mother or the child? The word didn't need to be used against anyone at all.

washngo · 18/11/2011 16:31

What i mean is that the lady had a right to speak up if offnded, but as with any situation it is best to approach it in an appropriate way, especially in front of a child. Perhaps if the lady who the ops child (inadvertently) offended had tried saying to her mother something like "oh dear, perhaps you could have a chat with her later about saying things like that", that would have been better than accusing her of being a racist in front of her dd.

pigletmania · 18/11/2011 16:31

The comment was not directed at the woman, she was not called chocolate face as others on here are wrongly saying, the little girl said to her MUM why is that ladies face covered in chocolate which is something a very small child with lack of understanding and awareness might come out with. It's the womanise problem if she is offended, the op should have a talk with her dd about differences in skin colour

Jins · 18/11/2011 16:32

This thread has been an absolute eye opener to me

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 16:36

Me too Jins.

pigletmania · 18/11/2011 16:37

Sorry correction why has that lady got chocolate face To a 3 year old that lady has. Yes she should be told no it's her skin colour, people have different skin colours

Crazyfatmamma · 18/11/2011 16:38

Hi all, as a teacher I just have to state that whilst I appreciate that a child of 3 made an innocent remark meaning no malice recently there was an incident in my school whereby a 5 year old child called another child chocolate man ( he was black, she was Asian) and a racial incident report was filled in , a complaint logged and her parents were informed- this is school policy so unfortunately remarks like this do have the potential to cause offence and are taken very seriously even amongst young children.

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 16:39

why is that ladies face covered in chocolate

Because, darling, she is a big fat greedy pig as well as pigmentally-challenged.

That would be good.

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 16:40

That poor woman. Not only is she not-white she is FAT.

The Horror.

sozzledchops · 18/11/2011 16:41

It's possible the OP didn't react quick enough and appropriately or also that the other lady just didn't give her time to. From what has been said I really don't understand who can anyone can claim one way or tother.

Jins · 18/11/2011 16:42

Crazyfatmamma has relieved me greatly.

Capricorn76 · 18/11/2011 16:43

PMSL @ Hullygully! Like I said on one of about 20 race threads today, can we not go back to neglectful FFs v BF Nazi's type stuff? Like the good old days?

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 16:44

There is a big differnce between a 5yo and a 3yo.

It's sad that your school has to go to those lengths Crazy, children call eachother stuff like that all the time. My dc and their friends all called eachother Worm or nappy head at that age, inspired by Horrid Henry. I would have been gutted if it had been dealt with as a racial incident rather than just the normal name calling that all children have to be taught not to do.

pigletmania · 18/11/2011 16:45

There is a big difference in development of a 3 and 5 year old. The comment was not of racist intent but a young Childs innocent observation

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 18/11/2011 16:47

When my daughter (also 3) innocently said something offensive about a woman's weight I did tell her off about it but I went somewhere out of the earshot of the woman involved. I didn't want to cause her or me any further embarrassment by explaining that it is rude to comment on people's appearance in front of her. OP may well have been intending to do this but the woman jumped in straight away with her accusations of racism. I think the woman was being unreasonable in not letting OP deal with her child as she saw fit.

cantpooinpeace · 18/11/2011 16:47

I dearnt tell you all what I said to an Asian guy who knocked on our door when I was 4 - all I'll say is it was my mothers words Blush

pigletmania · 18/11/2011 16:50

I agree slave and it should be punished the same way as any other horrid name calling

usualsuspect · 18/11/2011 16:53

I would think it was a reflection of someones parenting if a child called someone chocolate face I can understand why the black lady reacted the way she did

NormanTebbit · 18/11/2011 17:05

at three?

Original poster
PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 17:15

I want to make clear that my face was one of horror and I probably paused while I tried to make a decision of the best way to deal with it. I was also struggling to rush around the shops with 11wo twins so mind wasn't working it's best, but I assure you I did not laugh or smile at the comment and looked up at the woman to make eye contact and say sorry, but she jumped in before I said anything.

I haven't had a chance to read all the pages as I have dc to care for, but I really wanted to clearly state that I understand her comment was not appropriate and do not approve but I did not tell her off as she didn't realise it was naughty. I have explained that it wasn't approriate and we have had a chat about it. I did it briefly in the shop and then dd and I had a proper talk once we got home - which I felt was a better environment to do it than middle of town.

I ignored thge Tiger comment in the same way I would ignore swearing (not that dd has done that yet) so as not to make a big thing then if it happens again I would say something. DD was also only 2 when she said it before - I distracted her by saying that's Tiger Woods and he plays golf like Daddy. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do but I'm not perfect and don't pretend to be.

Oh and I don't live in Devon as one poster said - West Country covers further area than one county. Where I live there may not be many ethnic minorities but I have never come across people with racist views either.

OP posts:
Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 18/11/2011 17:16

My DD said: "That lady is a very big lady. She is just like a big man."

I can assure she has not got that from me - I am genuinely unconcerned about anyone's weight or appearance.

Similarly "chocolate face" is clearly the workings of a 3 year old mind. If she'd used a term which older people use I would have thought it right to blame the parents.