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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at racism accusation due to dd1's comment in town.

598 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 09:59

dd1 is 3 and said loudly "look mummy that lady has a chocolate face." The woman heard and said " nice to see you training her to be racist already!" I was really shocked. dd didn't mean offence it was an observation that her skin colour was the same as chocolate. She's only met a few people from other races due to us living in the West Country but I've always explained skin colour in the same way as hair and eye colour being different.

She did say it once before about Tiger Woods on TV but I decided to ignore it and not make an issue. dd now is asking what racist is and I don't think a 3yo needs to know - they don't see colour as a issue or feel superior etc. Left me shaken and actally quite cross. I really think the lady was being oversensitive.

OP posts:
pippop1 · 18/11/2011 10:05

Hi,
I think you were right to be upset and the lady made a bit of a fuss, however I think 3 is not too young to explain for example that everyone looks different, smaller, taller, different coloured hair or skin etc. People that think that others who look different to themselves an are mean about it are called racists. A simple explanation like that would suffice.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/11/2011 10:09

YABU... If your DD had never made the remark before, fair enough. But if she'd said it about Tiger Woods then that was your opportunity to explain about differences in appearance and to tell her that 'chocolate face' and other personal remarks are not nice things to say. They only learn what's appropriate and inappropriate when we tell them.... otherwise they'll just blurt out the first silly thing that comes into their heads and you risk more people being offended.

Pendeen · 18/11/2011 10:09

I live in West Cornwall and quite understand your comments OP, I have never met anyone like that.

YANBU and ignore the silly woman.

Original poster
PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 10:09

I've done the "we all look different" thing

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 18/11/2011 10:10

Have you got many toys and books with characters of different races? It would be a good idea to make sure all races are represented in her toys so your DD can see that it's an everyday part of life. Also i don't think it would be wrong to talk to your DD about different races in an age appropriate way, otherwise she may get the idea that racial difference a shameful thing that people can't talk about.

I'm surprised that the woman took offense to a comment from a 3 year-old, but as I don't know her life I can't judge. Was there anything in your reaction to DD's comment that she might have perceived as racist?

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 10:11

Goodness, Tiger Woods is then only black person she has ever seen on TV?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/11/2011 10:12

I don't think 3 is too young to explain differences etc but I also think that you can't legislate for what will come out of a 3yo's mouth. I think the lady overreacted but your dd's remark might have been the latest in a long long line.

As long as you take care to explain to your dd whenever she says anything like that, and that means be seen to be explaining (loud parenting is good in these cases!), I wouldn't worry too much about it.

OrmIrian · 18/11/2011 10:12

I think the woman was the one who was being offensive. Making sweeping assumptions about white people Hmm.

But yes, I think the time for a chat has arrived.

difficulttimes · 18/11/2011 10:14

I think the lady was OS

When I was 3 the first time I saw a black man I just stared and said 'do you taste like chocolate?'
he laughed stuck his arm out and said 'do you wanna taste?'

A child of 3 is just curious

difficulttimes · 18/11/2011 10:16

True Omirian I would take offence to the 'all white people are racist' undertone.

Original poster
PrincessScrumpy · 18/11/2011 10:16

She has lots of books etc and has seen tv shows with different people in so she's not totally sheltered and when she said it about Tiger it was when he was on the news about his affair so ages ago. I have spoken about different races but didn't want to give her the idea that some people are racist (didn't want to suggest an issue).

I didn't have time to react and was about to explain it's not a nice thing to say.

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/11/2011 10:19

Sounds very unfair that she piped up before she gave you a chance to speak to your dd.

FreudianSlipper · 18/11/2011 10:19

yabvu

your child of course did not mean to cause offense but you ignoring her or not correcting her is understandably offensive

ffs how can anyone in this day and age think it is acceptable to call black/asian people chocolate face even a child and not correct them

yes of course black and asian people did that becasue it was said to them every day they had to put up and shut up to some extent now they do not and should not

spiderpig8 · 18/11/2011 10:19

She was being offensive not your DD.who probably thought it was a compliment anyway (I'm guessing she loves chocolate?)

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 18/11/2011 10:20

i think the woman was over reacting, but it is possible she has been subjected to alot of racial abuse and just doesn't tolerate anything that might be construed as racist anymore. although i still think implying a 3 year old was being racist is OTT.

agree with others though, start making different races more present in your DD's life.

ElaineReese · 18/11/2011 10:21

She overreacted, but you should have said something when dd first made the comment about Tiger Woods, I think.

colliwobble · 18/11/2011 10:23

YANBU - my beautiful brown skinned friend would have probably said something nice to the child, like ' i like chocolate, but it is just skin im afraid'.

now the challenge is to persuade dd that all people with brown skin do not presume the worst in people, as at 3yrs, first impressions can last (hopefully it went over her head)

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 10:24

YANBU. But three is not too young to be taught the basics of racism.

The woman your dd saw was rude, oversensitive and needs to wind her neck in and needs to stop shouting racism for no reason. It does the exact opposit of helping her cause.

I'm white/Arab but have curly (foreign looking) hair. A small child I didn't know once turned to her Mummy and said 'that lady's hair looks like noodles'. Cute and funny, yes. Racist, no.

This is the same thing, except because the child's observation was made about a black person, you get accused of racism. It's ridiculous, and it actually makes my blood start to boil.

porcamiseria · 18/11/2011 10:26

yabu

what if DD had said "look that lady has a cunt face" (unlikely I know)
you would have bollocked her right?

she needs to learn she cant come out with shit like that

just because you dont think its offensive, that lady may have

you would not get away with shit lke this in an inner city (then again she woukd be used to black people if you lived in an inner city)

but it IS offensive, OK

PessimisticMissPiggy · 18/11/2011 10:27

YANBU, she's three FFS!

My BFF is mixed race and the other day my teething 6mo was chewing BFF's hand and she said, 'mmmmm I bet it tastes chocolately doesn't is baby PMP?' I told her not to be so bloody stupid because we all know that her fingers taste of gin.

It reminds me of the time my nephew said to my sister, 'why is that lady so fat?' and she just smiled, grabbed him and legged it leaving me to make apologies. Toddlers are innocent and that lady must have been having a bad day.

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 10:29

So just because this lady found it offensive, she has the right to accuse a complete stranger and a THREE year old of racism? Hmm

And it doesn't sound like the OP had a chance to say anything to her dd before this rude woman waded in with her even more rude accusations. OP is not at fault here!

TeapotsInJune · 18/11/2011 10:29

When I was heavily pregnant, I bloated up like a balloon! I'm not kidding! A child of maybe three/four said something like "Mummy look at that fat lady!" I know it wasn't really the child's fault and I know children just do blurt out whatever comes into their heads but oh my goodness, it hurt because of the above, not despite.

When the mother of the child tittered I did say something like "I'm pleased someone finds it funny!" which isn't normally like me but I was really, genuinely upset by it and that often puts people on the defensive x

worraliberty · 18/11/2011 10:31

What a stupid woman

If your DD hasn't seen many people with dark skin, it's a perfectly understandable description for a 3yr old to use without being accused of racism.

Obviously you need to talk to your DD, but for the woman to assume you're teaching your child to be racist, well that just makes her ignorant and up her own arse imo.

MmeLindor. · 18/11/2011 10:32

I do think that the woman overreacted, she should have waited to see what your response was, and taken into account that your DD was so young.

You can talk to her about racism, "the lady thought that you were being mean to her. Sometimes people say nasty things about those who look different, and that can hurt their feelings".

Firawla · 18/11/2011 10:32

i think you need to deal with it and if this has come up then shes not too young to explain what is racist, if my 3 yr old asked that i would probably just tell him its about people thinking they are better than others because of their skin colour or where they come from, and how silly cos thats not what makes people good or bad bla bla bla.. im sure thats easy for them to understand
if my ds age 3 said that i would have felt really embarrased tbh, its not on for them to be allowed to say these kind of comments! so yabu