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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to vent a few days after the actual event because my DD is distressed!

199 replies

LDNmummy · 17/11/2011 23:44

I am seething!

Last Saturday DH's family all came over to see the baby and one of his aunts WITHOUT FUCKING ASKING ME IF I APPROVED (AND NO I FUCKING DON'T), took my six week old baby by the ankle and swung her upside down in mid air suddenly. APPARENTLY SHE HAD ALREADY DONE IT ONCE BEFORE WHEN I WAS OUT OF THE ROOM!

In our home country it is common with some families to do this as traditionally they think it makes the baby fearless and stretches their legs and strengthens them. In my family we would never do this and my entire family are outraged by it having been done to my DD. She was terrified and literally jumped out of her skin at the slightest thing for two days after. She still will not settle with anyone but me and cries if anyone but me handles her. She was a very happy and fearless baby before and anyone could hold her and she never fussed or cried. She didn't even cry when she recently had her first jab. Now if I leave the room for a minute or put her down, she cries. She is also comfort eating all the time.

It was so sudden and not gently done either! I am so angry because my happy and confident little baby has changed overnight. DH is angry too after seeing the effect it has had on DD and we have agreed that she is not to be left alone with his family.

This type of thing is an ongoing problem with his controlling family who keep pressurising me to raise our DD the way they think is best which includes doing things like that and letting her CIO as well as implementing a strict routine (things they wanted me to do from the moment she came home).

I am worried I am going to slap one of DH's family members in the face the next time they tell me how to parent our DD after this.

OP posts:
ddubsgirl · 18/11/2011 21:02

thats it lots of things/cutoms happen all over the world,doesnt mean its right but doesnt mean it doesnt happen.

Animation · 18/11/2011 21:04

Still - I am frustrated to listen to this story and comments about - oh, glad your baby is OK.

Your job is to PROTECT your baby - and do something about the perpetrator who assaulted your baby - ensuring it NEVER happens again!!!

marriedinwhite · 18/11/2011 21:06

LDN Mummy How dreadful. I understand where you are coming from vis a vis the African Heritage. It is not part of my white heritage to pick up a dc by the arm and manhandle him or her aggressively across a busy shopping centre. I have seen endless white people do it though.

Stand your ground. You are right, they are wrong. Hope the baby is OK - be at least reassured that although the baby might be distressed now - she will not remember this. You will though but you occupy the higher ground.

with love and best wishes. Don't know how to do hugs, but hugs anyway.

ddubsgirl · 18/11/2011 21:07

im sure op is,she has updated and i guess sorting things out with her oh and the family.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 18/11/2011 21:08

I think Animation was talking about (or something similar)

skybluepearl · 18/11/2011 21:09

I think you should tell the GP what your aunt did and get babe checked. Tell him you want him to check baby over. I think it would be a good thing if SS had a word with your aunt. Even if she hasn't hurt your baby, she may hurt a diferent baby in the future.

I'd also tell GP about them trying to enforce controlled crying at 6 weeks and telling you your breast feeding is failing. He will support you and if they ever raise it again - you can tell them that actually you have been told by a healh proffessional that you are doing it the right way.

skybluepearl · 18/11/2011 21:11

can i suggest you wear baby in a sling when they visit next time? you could always explain why - saying that you don't want aunt injuring or upsetting baby

skybluepearl · 18/11/2011 21:16

sorry just read your last post. well done for talking to the GP. do let us know what happens. you have dont the right thing.

worraliberty · 18/11/2011 21:18

What places in England is smacking banned?

I hadn't realised it was?

StealthPenguin · 18/11/2011 22:21

I would have gone fucking ballistic. Especially since when DS was 6 weeks I was a psychotic hormonal mess that screamed blue murder at the slightest thing - this would have sent me so over the edge my blood would have burst out my eyes.

I'd personally be telling her that if she ever came within 500 feet of DD ever again, she'd be looking at a broken nose, and she should count herself lucky that you hadn't called the police and had her prosecuted for child cruelty.

lisaro · 18/11/2011 22:37

Oh how beautiful, loving the wink! Trying to focus on the good 'cos I'm still bloody fuming about this. I'm glad she's ok, though.

ddubsgirl · 18/11/2011 22:52

sorry didnt mean it was banned but its not the done thing to do it outside,just meant that just because something maybe illeagal here etc doesnt mean its the same elsewhere.

blondieminx · 18/11/2011 23:14

Very glad to hear your (very cute) DD is ok. Please though, do report that aunt to the police - she's clearly a danger to your DD and any other babies she comes into contact with. What she did was assualt. :(

I just can't believe that anyone would ever think it'd be ok to frighten (and possibly injure) a tiny baby by dangling her/him by one ankle. :( :( :(

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/11/2011 23:54

And why did you wait a week to have your DD checked over by a doctor? Confused Just because strangers on the internet encouraged you to do so? What if something did happen to your DD during the incident and you left it that long? I have no idea why you're even contemplating any future relations with this woman and the other family members who supported her.

StealthPolarBear · 19/11/2011 07:23

So are they suppoetive of your breastfeeding?

skybluepearl · 19/11/2011 19:20

any update?

Original poster
LDNmummy · 20/11/2011 14:09

Just wanted to come back and update and answer questions.

WRT how I reacted when it happened, I dashed across the room to take my daughter from the aunt and was told to go away and stop making a fuss. I then received an hour long onslaught over my 'terrible' parenting and how I am failing my child for the future and a critique of everything I am doing along with being told I shouldn't act like I know everything and a warning that I will be treated with hostility in the future should they feel I am not doing the right thing. It was very overwhelming and DH didn't escape the situation unscathed either.

I bit my tongue over it because we are dealing with this as an ongoing problem with DH's family who are very controlling and don't want to acknowledge or deal with their behaviour. It is hard to explain unless I write a very long history of our relationship and his family. We have (until this point) been trying to work through this with his family for our DD's sake as I still wanted her to have a good relationship with them. Obviously this latest incident has changed all that and DH and I have re-evaluated how we are going to approach dealing with his family in the future.

Had I realised how affected my DD was at the time (yes I am stupid) my reaction wouldn't have been to bite my tongue. I didn't realise until a while later when she started to act very on edge and I realised she seemed quite panicked and jumpy.

Honestly it is hard to contextualise things without writing a storybook about DH's family and our relationship with them. They are very forceful and controlling and not easy to deal with. I have been prioritising creating a good relationship for my DD with them which is why I didn't blow my lid but rather had my DH talk to his DM about it later. But like I said, we are not making that a priority any more after this incident. In the past their behaviour had only affected me and DH and we weren't expecting anything like this to happen.

Drink I was so worried about her emotional and mental state that it honestly didn't occur to me that she could have been physically injured in a way that I couldn't identify myself. I checked her over and she seemed fine but her behaviour was what I was worried about as she wasn't acting herself.

Animation what would you have me do? Cause more stress and worry by dragging this through the courts or pressing charges over something I can't give solid evidence for? I have taken measures to protect my child by not letting this aunt or any of DH's family handle my child in the future. I am protecting my child the best I can at this moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
LDNmummy · 20/11/2011 14:17

The problem is that they genuinely believe that this is the right thing to do for the baby's health and physical well being so they don't see it as harm. It is as if they have good intentions, but go about it completely the wrong way.

I actually spoke to my DM and a close aunt and this is something that stopped happening generations ago and my mother finds it very backwards that they still practice this. Not even my mothers grandmother did this type of thing so we really are all in shock over it. Plus practices like this differ from region to region and none of my family have ever seen this actually done before, it is like an urban legend for us so it has really taken me off guard.

OP posts:
VikingLady · 20/11/2011 16:46

LDNmummy, I've been lurking since Thursday to see how this has gone, and what the doctor said. Just dropping in to say that I admire your bravery. I know that it must be an incredibly difficult situation. Your baby is lucky that her parents care as much as you clearly do (oh, and she is gorgeous!)

ShoutyHamster · 20/11/2011 17:53

OP, having read your update, and bearing in mind that the result of your DH 'talking to his mum' was for her to completely dismiss him - THE FATHER OF THE CHILD!- in your position I would honestly now move to a non- contact situation.

I really don't see anything else having even a hope of getting the message through. Telling them you no longer want any of them in your lives just might, though. You're clearly both fairly gentle natured people - good god, if I'd been subject to not only my child being assaulted like that but also an aggressive lecture warning me that my parenting WAS going to be criticised, and get used to it- I would have hit her. I would have lost it.

You aren't going to come to a workable arrangement that allows you to have these people be even a neutral force in your DD's life without going nuclear on them.

Think too about what you are letting your child in for if you don't stamp on this now. It's easy to see the default as 'any family is good'- no, not if they're bullying, aggressive and want to influence your child in ways you don't agree with. You should certainly look at this situation as dealing with a threat to your DD's long term wellbeing as well as your own. At this rate, they're going to make your DD's childhood far less happy, not more.

I would be discussing with your husband a letter to them all making it clear that you have no intention of remaining in contact with any of them while the attitude prevails that ANY of them have ANY say in your DD's upbringing. That you await an apology for your aunts assault of your child and her unacceptable speech at the house. That you also see from the response of DH's mother that sadly it is better that you keep separate from them too, as she has made it clear that she too intends to disrespect you as parents from the word go.

Honestly I think nothing less than a shock of that magnitude is going to make any difference here.

ShoutyHamster · 20/11/2011 18:57

And after that rant... OP your DD is beautiful! Just had a peek at her pic :)

bemybebe · 20/11/2011 19:03

Bloody hell LDN! Angry
Glad to hear that dd is ok.

LydiaWickham · 20/11/2011 19:28

Shouty hamster is right. Put your DD first. Hope you are ok.

Animation · 20/11/2011 20:33

"Animation what would you have me do? Cause more stress and worry by dragging this through the courts or pressing charges over something I can't give solid evidence for? I have taken measures to protect my child by not letting this aunt or any of DH's family handle my child in the future. I am protecting my child the best I can at this moment."

Fair enough LDN - BUT I had hoped you didn't bite your tongue and that you told this idiot woman - to her face - to keep the fuck away from your baby. This is one of those situations in life when you have to stand up for yourself and fight back.

You see if a boyfriend or partner had done what this woman had done - swung your baby by it's ankle - all hell would have broken out on here - but the word "custom" was used and that seemed to somehow dignify and minmise the seriousness of the assault.

Bogeyface · 20/11/2011 20:44

animation, give her a break!

The first time I got a going over by my ILs was a hell of a shock, and it was a classic case of "Oh i should have said....." because I wasnt used to that kind of abuse being levelled at me. I was genuinely (and unusually for me) speechless. But if you are not by nature a confrontative person, as the OP doesnt seem to be, suddenly launching into a tirade when you are also trying to comfort a terrified baby and are in shock, doesnt come easy.

She is doing the right thing by protecting her child and by the sound of it her and her DH will make it clear why. And whats done is done, so having a go at her for not doing what you would have done is not very helpful.