I know IABU but I'm jealous of my friend's 'perfect' life and don't want to be

[TougherThanTheRest]

We've recently got to know another couple and really like spending time with them but their life appears so perfect that I'm starting to feel jealous and resentful.

He's funny, successful, a great Dad and a thoughtful husband. She's a great Mum, naturally good at things like cooking and entertaining, who manages to have a job she enjoys that also fits around their clever, attractive children. They're popular, well-travelled, live in a lovely house, drive nice cars and have several holidays a year plus weekends away and nice grown up nights out. And on top of all that they're really nice people. (That's a lot of 'nice' but it sums them up).

We on the other hand muddle along like most people, never quite on the breadline (which I am thankful for) but never very comfortable money-wise either. Neither of us hates our job but nor are we especially happy with them. We haven't got as many children as I'd have liked for lots of reasons which makes me sad. My DH is a fairly good Dad and husband but will never be a go-getter (although neither am I so not in a position to complain), mostly we get on well but there are times when I wonder how the hell I ended up with him.

I think generally what I feel is that nothing we have is quite good enough or what I would have hoped for - not just material things but life in general - especially when I compare us with our friends. I'm sure their life isn't as perfect as it appears but there's no area where I feel we can even begin to compete with them (I do know it's not actually a competition) and it's beginning to really get to me.

I know I probably sound like a shallow, ungrateful bitch but this is how I feel. I don't want to but I do. How do I get some perspective and stop feeling dissatisfied with my really not that bad life?

You feel dissatisfied and discontented because seeing them stirs up your lack of satisfaction. Rather than trying to suppress it and tell yourself your life is fine, and probably end up not seeing them because it's too difficult, why not take it as a spur and look at those areas of your life that you could change and improve, not to be like them, but to increase your happiness and satisfaction?

I feel the same sometimes, but, by my age, most people have had some horrible, hard things happen to them and carry their baggage silently - so don't assume everything is great. Perfection is rarely perfection iykwim.
And I agree: work out what's not right in your life and see if you can make it righter I am doing the same, it's not easy but it's very necessary to do it from time to time.

Agree with Hully. Also - no one's life is really that amazing. Everyone has lurking issues - often very serious ones - that aren't apparent to the outside gaze. Get drunk with one of them and you'll probably find out that they have ghastly family problems or haven't had sex for years.

Anyway, they clearly enjoying spending time with you and your DH so clearly you do have something to offer!

These 'perfect' people have chosen to be friends with you so you must have something going for you.

I've got a couple of 'couple friends' like this. I love spending time with them as they're generous and happy and its nice to enjoy a slice of their lovely life with them on occasion. And we're also friends with a super-succesful couple who I LOVE spending time with at its always awesome wine, fun times and pampering. And DP and I always leave them with even stronger resolve to keep striving to make our lives the best they can be.

I think you just need to get out of yourself and think about things from a totally different perspective, look at what it is about their lives that you would like to emulate and get the inside track on how to do so, from the horses mouth so to speak.

It's not them - it's you

Ahh sorry, couldn't resist.

I find that I feel like this (only seeing the crap in my life, focusing on the fabulous, lucky, stellar lives of friends and acquaintances) when I'm stagnating, when I'm in a rut, when I NEED to move forward. Then I get myself together a bit, do something I'm proud of and my perspective changes.

You are in what Julian Cope would call the Slough Of Despond.

You need ACTION!

You get perspective by forgetting all about Family Perfect (they won't be behind the scenes, you can be sure of that) and sitting down and making a Plan Of Action on what you want to change. Jobs are crap - what would you like to do? Can you retrain? Children and DHs, less easy to reconfigure BUT (I know it's a cliche) - you mostly get on well, and you have children? You have many things that others long for.

Get to it!

Also, thinking about it, I know for a fact that we have friends that feel the same way about DP and I as you do about Mr & Mrs Perfect. Our life is pretty nice most of the time. But some of the time its shitter than shit.

They have massive credit card debt. Betcha.

I understand, OP.

I have an old schoolfriend who seems to have done everything in life exactly right. Nice husband who works from home - tick. Nice friendly dcs - tick. Super house - tick. Fantastic job - tick. Wealthy spinster aunt - tick.

In comparison my life looks so... well, a bit embarrassingly dull, really. We are not poor, but certainly have to watch the pennies. I rather failed on the tribes of floppy-haired, Boden-wearing kids, my house is blah, I have no job and not many prospects and dh is a steady enough bloke but has a myriad of faults.

I do think though that a great many people work hard at being lucky. We don't see all the spade work that has gone on over the years to get the charmed life.

I know people think dh and I are Mr and Mrs perfect. We are not. We just put on a good show.

I fall into this trap sometimes. You need to remind yourself what you do have. Make a list of things you have got.
The problem with comparing yourself to others is that if you did have all the things they have you'd be looking at someone else with better cars, bigger house, more exciting life and wishing you had that.

they may well have a perfect life now - but no one's life is perfect all the time. You can't tell what hard times are coming down the road for them which will make any small comforts they have now seem just that - small. Or for you either, making your small disatisfactions seem small.

Not that I'm wishing it on anyone! Just, when it comes to both good times and bad 'This too shall pass'.

Also what Hully said about identifying and changing what can be changed.

I agree with what everyone has said - especially the Julian Cope bit. But I'm sure there will be someone who sees your family as the perfect set up.

Change things in your life that you are unhappy with, but don't assume someone has the perfect life. They are hardly going to tell you all of their worries over dinner. And even the nicest people can brag and big themselves up a bit.

prune what an absolutely perfect phrase, thank you. That is exactly it, isn't it?

carry their baggage silently

Sorry, have to step in here for John Bunyan who coined the phrase "slough of despond" several hundred years before Julian Cope...

I'm just happy to be reminded of Julian Cope.

gramercy

There's always a virtual "ladder". I know that some people are, to a small extent, jealous of mine and DH's set up. Similarly there are couples that have areas we are jealous of. None of matters in a material sense. As long as we are are being the best that WE can be then all is well.

I know a couple who are like your Mr and Mrs Perfect and I am very happy for them. I know they have had some seriously shitty things happen to them in the past.

I also know of a similar couple who suddenly announced they were divorcing - they hadn't said a word to each other in private for years.

You do not know what lies beneath.

I too agree with Hully .

Two things:

• Say to yourself, over and over, like a mantra: No one's life is as it seems on the surface.
• Jealousy can be a positive trait if you can work out what it is you are jealous about and what things in your life needs to change. I always see jealousy as a useful emotion in this respect.

"My DH is a fairly good Dad and husband but will never be a go-getter (although neither am I so not in a position to complain)"

This is the route of your problem. If you are really doing the very best you can you tend to be a lot more satisfied with your lot that if you are not working your very hardest.

root of your problem

Tch, another perfectly good thread derailed by the John Bunyan mob.

I don't think it matters how happy and successful you are - there will always be someone who seems more happy and more successful.

And you don't know their histories - maybe they had shit childhoods, maybe they've had awful issues in the past. I really don't think many people get through life completely unscathed. We all have something.

They can't be that perfect as you have not said they offered you pom bears to eat

I do understand where you are coming from op. I know a couple of couples who I have felt envious of in the past. A very good friend of mine has quite an envious life (imo) but as I have got to know my friend I can see the imperfections and I am less envious but still a bit

Another couple I know have had to be very calculating to get where they are. Their choices and to look from the outside now you would think 'perfect' but I know there are stresses and strains underneath as there are in everyone's lives.

Like other posters have written lately instead of stewing I have started trying to make improvements in my own life, not in order to copy but to raise my own satisfaction levels.