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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know IABU but I'm jealous of my friend's 'perfect' life and don't want to be

231 replies

TougherThanTheRest · 17/11/2011 09:27

We've recently got to know another couple and really like spending time with them but their life appears so perfect that I'm starting to feel jealous and resentful.

He's funny, successful, a great Dad and a thoughtful husband. She's a great Mum, naturally good at things like cooking and entertaining, who manages to have a job she enjoys that also fits around their clever, attractive children. They're popular, well-travelled, live in a lovely house, drive nice cars and have several holidays a year plus weekends away and nice grown up nights out. And on top of all that they're really nice people. (That's a lot of 'nice' but it sums them up).

We on the other hand muddle along like most people, never quite on the breadline (which I am thankful for) but never very comfortable money-wise either. Neither of us hates our job but nor are we especially happy with them. We haven't got as many children as I'd have liked for lots of reasons which makes me sad. My DH is a fairly good Dad and husband but will never be a go-getter (although neither am I so not in a position to complain), mostly we get on well but there are times when I wonder how the hell I ended up with him.

I think generally what I feel is that nothing we have is quite good enough or what I would have hoped for - not just material things but life in general - especially when I compare us with our friends. I'm sure their life isn't as perfect as it appears but there's no area where I feel we can even begin to compete with them (I do know it's not actually a competition) and it's beginning to really get to me.

I know I probably sound like a shallow, ungrateful bitch but this is how I feel. I don't want to but I do. How do I get some perspective and stop feeling dissatisfied with my really not that bad life?

OP posts:
Morloth · 17/11/2011 20:01

Money definitely helps, as does having a positive attitude.

I would say DH and I have the 'perfect' life. We are very much in love are all very healthy have two bright happy healthy boys and no financial worries. There are no dark secrets or problems.

We both approach life with an attitude that fucking hell we are lucky. Of course shit has happened over the years but we get through it together holding on to the thought 'it could be worse...'

LeQueen · 17/11/2011 20:01

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TeWihara · 17/11/2011 20:04

At school one of my friends had a foley in their garden.

Yes. An ACTUAL foley.

Admittedly it was made of breeze block and clearly for kids to play in, but still I was Envy.

Another thing, people with shit health or relationships will have those no matter how much money they have. So will people with good health and relationships, so if you're going to be jealous I would focus on people who seem to deal with troubles in a mature and sensible way over anything else (though I expect they probably come off as boring more than perfect...)

LePruneDeMaTante · 17/11/2011 20:05

I had a schoolfriend who once, years later, admitted that she'd been jealous of our family and mentioned that we had a better tin opener Grin
(She is lovely, was having an off day.)

LeQueen · 17/11/2011 20:09

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LeQueen · 17/11/2011 20:11

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smartyparts · 17/11/2011 20:19

(What is a foley? I have no idea!)

OP, it's all relative. There's probably someone that covets your life you know! A (drunken) mum from school recently admitted she really envied me and reeled off all this stuff about my life, dh, kids, house etc.

I was Shock as we are Mr & Mrs Average and I'm quite often unhappy with my lot.

TougherThanTheRest · 17/11/2011 20:20

Can I just say that I have no reason to think my 'perfect' friends have any dark secrets - drugs, affairs, debts or otherwise. I think they've been lucky in some ways but have generally got what they deserve in life because they are nice, hardworking people. Trouble is so are we, we just haven't reaped quite the same rewards! And I really hope they don't have any ill luck coming to them as so many people in similar 'perfect' situations seem to have had if the stories on this thread are anything to go by.

I do love this place for the ability to moan about this sort of thing - like some of the posters above I rarely mention personal stuff in real life and am thought of as a very cheery, life and soul of the party type person. It makes it easier to appear that way if you can rant and let it all out to a bunch of stranger of an internet forum :)

OP posts:
TougherThanTheRest · 17/11/2011 20:24

Or even strangers

OP posts:
LeQueen · 17/11/2011 20:37

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LePruneDeMaTante · 17/11/2011 20:43

It doesn't have to be dark secrets though.
Personally I have quite a few sadnesses which impact on a lot of things - I just ignore them (anything else is mawkish), but if anyone tried to tell me I had it made, I'd snort quite loudly!

smartyparts · 17/11/2011 20:43

Ok a folly, I get it!

Not being facetious re mis-spelling, btw. Just didn't make connection.

We have friends with a folly and a paddock and a dell!! We just have a garden Confused

LePruneDeMaTante · 17/11/2011 20:45

My friend has five swimming holes.
I admit I am a bit envious Grin

springydaffs · 17/11/2011 20:51

I don't blame you tante! I mean, we all want swimming holes but 5? like, FIVE swimming holes. That's just too much.

otchayaniye · 17/11/2011 20:54

one of my best friends is a princess (real proper one) she has three beautiful children. she's stunning. incredibly beautiful. oh, and she has a oxbridge/harvard education. did i mention she was married to a sweet man, who happens to be a billionaire?

although i'd like access to some of her cash, her five or six homes around the world and her army of nannies, i wouldn't swap and i've never been envious really (a nd i have an envious streak)

she said she was jealous of our lives.

Deadsouls · 17/11/2011 21:03

I can totally empathise as I can often fall into this line of thinking. Just today went for coffee in the morning with one of the other mums (our children go to same school). OK...not joking but her house is like out of an interiors magazine, obviously the husband is loaded. Amazing kitchen...I mean everything and she just happens also to be a talented painter. Plus I've never had a so called 'proper' grown up job with which I am satisfied...at the moment a kind of low paying job that fits in around the kiddies. I don;t know the answer to this one, but I think everyone does this at some point unless you are a very enlightened being. I always remind myself of this:
'Don't compare your insides to someone else's outside'...in other words it's our own sense of low self-esteem or whatever it is (i'm no psycologist), that is at the root here. We're all humans, we're all here living our life, trying our best...

racingheart · 17/11/2011 23:51

Deadsouls, that's so true. jealousy can be a positive force, if you turn it round and see it for what it is: a clear indicator of things you strongly aspire to. helps focus.

As to schadenfreude - I don't think anyone here is saying rich happy people are hiding great bundles of misery and dark secrets, but people who court the magazine lifestyle image of perfection do make me think something is amiss. No one's perfect.

exoticfruits · 18/11/2011 07:40

I bet that if you lived in their shoes for a week you would be screaming to get back-things are not always as they seem.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 18/11/2011 08:30

I have a lovely friend who is very envious of my lifestyle and house. But her DH is a teacher. He is home for tea every night, never travels away and has decent holidays.

My DH works long hours in a high pressure job.
There are downsides to every situation, be happy with how you are or make a change.

Xenia · 18/11/2011 09:09

There are good reasons why envy is one of the seven deadly sins. It doesn't make people happy and it's a moral wrong.

The things most of us should be glad for is (a) health and (b) the people we love and (c) being happy (if we are). Those are the three things I am grateful for. I could easily live without the career success, looks, big house, my own island and all the other stuff. The fundamentals are those first things.

However I am all for change. Far too many women are lazy and unambitious and don't sit down and plan. Most of those who earn hardly anything work much much less hard than I do for example. If you do want more material things then try doubling your working hours. Try working through the night sometimes. Try working 7 day weeks. There are all sorts of ways to get bigger houses etc but never of course live off male earnings and rely on men for money as we all know that is tantamount to prostituion and yet another moral wrong.

Bonsoir · 18/11/2011 09:14

Gosh, Xenia, not only are you pleased with your looks, your career, the size of your house and your own private island, but you have insider knowledge of moral absolutes Shock

Come back down to earth dear.

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 09:16

Ayn Rand Xenia, while I am unavoidably fully aware of your views, life is not always that straightforward.

TeWihara · 18/11/2011 09:18

Yeah... does anyone know how to get firefox to turn my spellcheck back on?!

jasper · 18/11/2011 09:22

bloody well said Xenia.

SinicalSal · 18/11/2011 09:23

prostitution Hmm

as well as the 7 vices Xenia you'd do well to look into the virtues - humility is one