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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know IABU but I'm jealous of my friend's 'perfect' life and don't want to be

231 replies

TougherThanTheRest · 17/11/2011 09:27

We've recently got to know another couple and really like spending time with them but their life appears so perfect that I'm starting to feel jealous and resentful.

He's funny, successful, a great Dad and a thoughtful husband. She's a great Mum, naturally good at things like cooking and entertaining, who manages to have a job she enjoys that also fits around their clever, attractive children. They're popular, well-travelled, live in a lovely house, drive nice cars and have several holidays a year plus weekends away and nice grown up nights out. And on top of all that they're really nice people. (That's a lot of 'nice' but it sums them up).

We on the other hand muddle along like most people, never quite on the breadline (which I am thankful for) but never very comfortable money-wise either. Neither of us hates our job but nor are we especially happy with them. We haven't got as many children as I'd have liked for lots of reasons which makes me sad. My DH is a fairly good Dad and husband but will never be a go-getter (although neither am I so not in a position to complain), mostly we get on well but there are times when I wonder how the hell I ended up with him.

I think generally what I feel is that nothing we have is quite good enough or what I would have hoped for - not just material things but life in general - especially when I compare us with our friends. I'm sure their life isn't as perfect as it appears but there's no area where I feel we can even begin to compete with them (I do know it's not actually a competition) and it's beginning to really get to me.

I know I probably sound like a shallow, ungrateful bitch but this is how I feel. I don't want to but I do. How do I get some perspective and stop feeling dissatisfied with my really not that bad life?

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 17/11/2011 17:43

One of my friends once told me they thought I had the perfect life.

This floored me completely, as I am single, childless, live in a bedsit and am in a mountain of debt, but for some reason, from the outside, I appear sorted.

Appearances are very deceptive.

LeQueen · 17/11/2011 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardgoing · 17/11/2011 17:45

It's different if you are fundamentally negative person, but if you are a positive person who just happens to be going through some shit, I think keeping up a front in front of friends is one of the worst things you can do. I would feel very sad if any of my friends felt they had to do that with me. I have friends who are currently going through bereavement, depression, redundancy, but we have a few laughs (and tears) along the way.

In fact, one of my good friends is having terrible panic attacks at the moment, but she can't tell anyone as they all seem to have perfect lives to her (except me, ha, ha). I think it's quite sad and perhaps why so many people have PND/are on AD for long periods, they feel isolated and alone in our society, as evidenced by the rates of depression.

KatieScarlett2833 · 17/11/2011 17:47

Does he sing "Lady in Red" to you?

Grin
wordfactory · 17/11/2011 17:52

Recently during a girlie evening (involving several bottles) I was told that I sometimes piss people off because I 'make things look so easy'.

The thing is, everyhting isn't always easy, but I don't like to gripe. I'm aware of my absurd fortune and it would seem churlish to complain about fairly minor irritants in the grand scheme of things.
I also don't feel the need to tell people about the ludicrous amounts of graft that go inot keeping Casa Wordfactory on the road. I figure no one else, other than perhaps my Mum, are remotely interested.

So perhaps it does look smugly perfect, but I don't mean it to be that way.

wordfactory · 17/11/2011 17:56

I was also told that my relentless optimism can piss people off. But I can't help it. It's who I am.

I am happy and positive. And I don't secretly have depression, or a gambling husband, or children who refuse to do their homework. It's all a tad...boring.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 17/11/2011 17:56

Wot Wordfactory sed.

I'm a positive person, few people know my niggles.

wordfactory · 17/11/2011 17:59

That's one of the nice things about MN. You can have a little moan and don't feel as if you're wasting everyone's time. They don't have to read if they don't want to.

LeQueen · 17/11/2011 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 17/11/2011 18:09

But some people do have 'easy' lives and perfect everything, some people do. I guess that's just life.

When I constantly search rightmove for houses I can't afford I think that none of children have cancer, both my parents are alive and we have a house.

LePruneDeMaTante · 17/11/2011 18:09

I think it's perfectly factual to say that people have complicated lives and carry baggage - most people do. I have half a ton of it myself after ten years of crap. It isn't sour grapes, more like, take heart.

Hullygully · 17/11/2011 18:37

I'll tell you something else tho.

If you have what is percieved to be a comfortable life with no one actually dying at that moment etc, you're not allowed to moan about anything, because what have you got to moan about?

Hullygully · 17/11/2011 18:37

whoops i before e except etc

Hullygully · 17/11/2011 18:39

It's all relative

innit?

And another thing that drives me mad, is people talking about "real life" as in, the Queen knows nothing about "real life." Her life IS real, just different, still real.

northernwreck · 17/11/2011 18:45

It may be true that your real life, when viewed under a harsh light, looks a bit crap-so live in a fantasy world! Pretend you live in a tiny hovel because you are really an eccentric billionaire and it's all just a lark.
Imagine that your husband is actually a deeply sexy and talented poet and thats why he isn't very practical. At all times act regal and gracious, and like you hold the secret to life's bounty, and before you know it people will be envying you-without knowing why!
It's fun too!

LeQueen · 17/11/2011 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

racingheart · 17/11/2011 18:54

I think anyone whose life appears perfect on the outside is trying very hard to make it look that way. And there's a reason for that. It's far from. People who live with a bit of mess and have the odd wobble are being honest about life's ups and downs.

There was a couple I knew in London who I used to not exactly envy but just wished we were more like them - husband rich and very driven, devoted to his very glam wife who had a permanent natural smile on her face. Loads of holidays and little fun trips off to the theatre when we couldn't even afford to see one show a year. Turned out he had a coke habit and was shagging his secretary, even got his kids to know her on the sly, and on one of their many expensive holidays he told his wife he'd never loved her. Nice. They're still together and still play the 'aren't we dazzingly perfect?' roles in public but now I realise they are just human like everyone else.

Another friend has a dazzingly successful career, adoring house husband and home to die for, but she's never there to enjoy it, him or their kids as she works such long hours.

TeWihara · 17/11/2011 19:02

I think people who appear perfect don't like to moan.

It doesn't mean nothing is going on behind closed doors, but it doesn't mean anything is either.

I doubt most people realise how much we struggle financially.

CarrieInAnotherBabi · 17/11/2011 19:08

i do find it a little sad that people go through such terrible times such as depression or illness and don't talk to anyone about it.

i can understand why perhaps you wouldnt want to perhaps when you do see friends you dont want to talk about your problems, as you enjoy forgetting about it for a while,and yes you don't want to come across as a moaner, but it does make me think there could/probbaly is people i know and care for struggling in silence

Sad
HarryHillatemygoldfish · 17/11/2011 19:09

My life appears pretty perfect.

And, beneath the surface it ain't bad, either. I'm not sure why people want there to be divorce, death and adultery lurking beneath the surface of every good life Hmm

exoticfruits · 17/11/2011 19:17

People are not always what they seem. I lived close to the 'perfect' couple. Fit, healthy,good looking, 3 DCs, comfortably off, same interests, joint friends-everyone was totally shocked when they separated (not least their DCs who had no idea) and it turned out they had been unhappy for ages.
Be careful what you wish for........

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 17/11/2011 19:27

Would it have been okay if they'd been unfilt, ugly, fat and poor,then? Hmm

springydaffs · 17/11/2011 19:52

Well I@m pretty jealous of LeQ and Hully's very public friendship

tbh you need a bit of friction in life to stay alive. If you've got no aggro you doze off, no use to man or beast. It's good to have difficulties, bit like the grit in the oyster shell. Get me. (No I'm not french)

People have been jealous of me and it literally makes my jaw hang open - like this >> Shock. I've had a very tough life as it happens - honestly, nobody would want it. Seriously. (convinced?) I also don't keep quiet about the difficulties I face - I don't drone on but I don't pretend either. Some people don't want to hear - not because they don't want to hear troubles but they don't want to hear that I'm not perfect because they use me as a yardstick. That is just so isolating to have people do that to you. re If you reveal that you are in fact human and flawed just like they are some people are very disappointed and drop you like a hot brick.

I completely understand you being jealous OP. I was once seriously jealous of my friend's butler's pantry. I'm not joking! i was jealous and struggled with it - but it was a symptom of something else: I was jealous that she has been handed a lot on a plate, when I have had to claw my way up by my fingernails and rarely get a break. I won't go into detail about some of the hideous difficulties my butler's pantry friend faces in case I am accused of the schauden thing.

I honestly honestly don't know anyone who has a perfect life. The vast majority of people I know who seem to have perfect lives I wouldn't want to swop with - they've got some biggy that I really don't want.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 17/11/2011 19:55

Perfect or not we all eat, shit and breath.

Orbinator · 17/11/2011 19:56

I've known a couple like this and after several years it became apparent not all was as it seemed. They were always the first to say how amazing something they made/did was and the first to put down anyone else who they considered not to have done so well... Life was one big show and competition and believe me, you really don't need that in your life. It's a sure fire way of feeling very low very fast! I'd take a step back and think how lucky you are to know your faults and get along anyway, people like those you described have rarely considered how they deliberately make other people feel and therefore are not so "nice" after all Smile