Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU but I'm jealous of my friend's 'perfect' life and don't want to be

231 replies

TougherThanTheRest · 17/11/2011 09:27

We've recently got to know another couple and really like spending time with them but their life appears so perfect that I'm starting to feel jealous and resentful.

He's funny, successful, a great Dad and a thoughtful husband. She's a great Mum, naturally good at things like cooking and entertaining, who manages to have a job she enjoys that also fits around their clever, attractive children. They're popular, well-travelled, live in a lovely house, drive nice cars and have several holidays a year plus weekends away and nice grown up nights out. And on top of all that they're really nice people. (That's a lot of 'nice' but it sums them up).

We on the other hand muddle along like most people, never quite on the breadline (which I am thankful for) but never very comfortable money-wise either. Neither of us hates our job but nor are we especially happy with them. We haven't got as many children as I'd have liked for lots of reasons which makes me sad. My DH is a fairly good Dad and husband but will never be a go-getter (although neither am I so not in a position to complain), mostly we get on well but there are times when I wonder how the hell I ended up with him.

I think generally what I feel is that nothing we have is quite good enough or what I would have hoped for - not just material things but life in general - especially when I compare us with our friends. I'm sure their life isn't as perfect as it appears but there's no area where I feel we can even begin to compete with them (I do know it's not actually a competition) and it's beginning to really get to me.

I know I probably sound like a shallow, ungrateful bitch but this is how I feel. I don't want to but I do. How do I get some perspective and stop feeling dissatisfied with my really not that bad life?

OP posts:
happyclapper · 17/11/2011 10:22

I know how you feel but never judge a book by its cover. I have known a couple of 'couples' who would appear to have it 'all' only to discover that DH1 had been having an affair for years and DW2 had been on antidepressants for years and they had a mountain of debt.
Not saying that this is the case here but no one ever knows what really goes on in a relationship.
On a proactive note, sometimes less is more. Having had periods in my life where I had the big house, 3/4 hols a yr, new car every couple of years I still felt dissatisfied and as if something was missing.
Now I have none of those things, have to watch the pennies, exchanged Lexus for bicycle, down-sized house but I am the happiest I have ever been and wouldn't change a thing.
Have a think about what would REALLY make you happy. Not materialisticaly but how you want to live your life and you might ba able to make some changes that make a world of difference without having to win the lottery.

Hullygully · 17/11/2011 10:22

And, to look at it from the other side, me and dh have recently and very hurtfully been dropped by a friend for the exact same reason (which is farcical given the reality but that's another thread), and we really miss our friend. I liked her because she was bright, funny, interesting and good company and couldn't have given a shit about her material circs.

Now we don't see her because she resents our life more than she liked us.

So think on.

LizzieBusy · 17/11/2011 10:23

OP maybe their lives are this perfect and its great if it is. Dont we all want our friends to be happy.
Jealousy is a natural human emotion.
There will always be someone with more than you and those with less. Just be thankful for what you have.

whyme2 · 17/11/2011 10:23

I think bonsoir makes an excellent point.

Furminator · 17/11/2011 10:24

I think the key to this is that they appear HAPPY. And they probably are happy which can inspire jealousy in others. You don't know everything about them. Maybe they have overcome an absolutely shite childhood to get where they have and are genuinely in love with each other.

I would agree that you need to look at your own life but not too seriously. Just try and enjoy their friendship, they clearly like you.

Mmmnotsure · 17/11/2011 10:24

Gramercy - thank you for giving JB his due.

Tougher - something I read on MN the other day was about not comparing someone else's outside with your inside. I tend to feel like you do when I look at other people, which is why my DH reminds me that you never really know anyone else's marriage, or their life.

I always wanted four children, but that wasn't possible, and it made me sad for the children we never had. We know a wonderful family, and I used to envy them in some ways, but especially for their two boys and two girls. One of the boys was literally the golden-haired child, bright and successful with the world at his feet. He died.

Laquitar · 17/11/2011 10:26

One of my best friend and her dh are like this. Both perfect, with perfect lives and both really nice people.
I have learnt a lot from her, i have even ask her what her secret is. Grin
You can take from them 1-2 things that you like -about their attitudes, their habits etc- and try to apply it in your life?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 17/11/2011 10:26

Everyone I've ever known like that has had a fair whack of money behind them. It's easy to have the foreign holidays, the lovely home, for the mum to look immaculately dressed etc if there is money there.

I used to know a family a bit like that years ago. Dad owned a business, mum was in charge of the school PTA and was always immaculately dressed and wowing everyone with her amazing cake creations that she baked to take to the PTA meetings. Kids always looking immaculate and doing every activity under the sun. They also had a stunning house, like a mansion really, that they self-built and designed themselves so that all of the kids had their own ensuite and dressing room. A cleaner twice a week to keep it immaculately clean. However about 4 years ago the business went bankrupt, their house was repossessed, they moved to a small semi-detached rented house on a "normal" estate, and it seems they came down to earth with quite a bump. I don't see them much now out and about as our children are all older so we don't do the school runs now very much, but when i have seen her she looks much more "normal" than she did before. I guess she can't afford the Karen Millen and Monsoon clothes now, and all the facials, and haircuts, and other luxuries she used to have. I don't like to see anyone losing their home or financial difficulty, but what I'm trying to illustrate is that it is money that enables people to give the illusion of perfection. Perhaps the couple you know have a cleaner to keep the home perfect? It's easy for her to be a good mum when she undoubtedly won't be doing all the little mundane nitty gritty basic jobs that most of us normal mums have to do on a day to day basis.

Furminator · 17/11/2011 10:28

Lol at all these stories of people who had it all then lost it. Some people just have nice lives Smile

Bonsoir · 17/11/2011 10:28

I agree with others: not having to do household chores and errands frees up a lot of time (for work, childcare, grooming, fun etc).

Laquitar · 17/11/2011 10:34

I agree Furminator.

MarshaBrady · 17/11/2011 10:35

I would rather see someone who feels like this act upon those feelings to change their lives, than wallow and stew and try and find flaws in other people's.

Acinonyx · 17/11/2011 10:36

You just don't know them well enough yet - give it time... Wink. That's what I generally find.

daveywarbeck · 17/11/2011 10:37

True Furminator but a lot of them didn't always have nice lives. And there is nothing wrong with having a nice life of course.

My Mr and Mrs Perfect have masses more money than us, their lifestyle really is a complete fantasy to us. There must be something about us that makes them like us because they genuinely seem to do so.

wahwahwah · 17/11/2011 10:39

As my mum used to say 'you never know what goes on behind closed doors'. I am sure some people look at you and think you have it good. Try to concentrate on what is good in your life, what you'd like to change, and what you can change.

ViviPru · 17/11/2011 10:40

Bonsoir Thu 17-Nov-11 10:28:57
"grooming"

SinicalSal · 17/11/2011 10:40

No Furminator I disagree. Nobody gets through this life unscathed. Doesn't noticeably cripple everyone, but live long enough and you'll have shed plenty tears.

Sorry for downer but I do believe it's so important to try to count ones' blessings, trite as it sounds. They are not permanent.

omerta · 17/11/2011 10:44

Is there a John Bunyan mob?

Are they a quiche?

LePruneDeMaTante · 17/11/2011 10:47

lol at John Bunyan restitution

KissMyA · 17/11/2011 10:48

OP you never know what goes on behind closed doors

Laquitar · 17/11/2011 10:49

True Sinical but keep saying that they must have problems behind closed doors or that a tragedy is waiting for them is like wishing them bad.

lesley33 · 17/11/2011 10:51

I know friends have at times seen my DP and I as having a "perfect" relationship and family. The downside was that when really hard times hit, people really didn't want to hear about it, as if it punctured their sense of what was possible. We had really bad times when my DP developed bipolar - under control with medication now and we probably look perfect again to some.

I guess the point of this is that everyone has hard times. I and my DP have had jobs we love and jobs we hated, have a lovely house but used to live in a very rough area with major problems with neighbours, etc.

tbh I think the difference with people whose lives sometimes look perfect is certainly some luck, but also a willingness to change things when they aren't right.

niceguy2 · 17/11/2011 10:56

There is NOBODY with a 'perfect' life.

Of all the people I know, I know one couple who sounds like your friends. They live in a nice big house, BMW on the drive and go on so many holidays a year the wife is complaining and wants to stay at home. He earns 6 figures and home each night to take kids to scouts, dance/whatever. She has a sideline business earning a fair bit too. I've known them for ages and whilst on the outside you can see their "perfect life" if you know them better like I do then they are no different from the rest of us.

They argue/squabble, moan about money just like anyone else. Their kids piss them off and amaze them in equal quantities and he moans about the lack of sex whilst she moans about him always demanding sex.

Another couple who try really hard to show everyone their perfect life. No holidays to Spain for them. It has to be Cuba, Bahama's etc. Driving Audi's & BMW. Moving to the countryside etc etc. Every facebook post is a stealth boast. Again once you get to know them, they're drowning in debt and she had an affair not long ago (maybe still having...dunno).

My friends were shocked when I split with my ex partner. Comments from several people were that we looked so happy & perfect together. Yeah...in public. But when the front door was shut and it was just us, we argued a lot and slept in different beds for over a year.

Lastly there's absolutely nothing wrong with looking at others and wanting to be more like them. Aspiration can be a wonderful thing. But whilst it's fine to look upwards, don't forget to also take a peak downwards and look at all the people who are not as lucky as you've been.

SinicalSal · 17/11/2011 10:58

No Laquitar I already said above that I wasn't ill-wishing anyone, just appreciate what you have, when you have it, as you don't know what the future will bring. And other Forrest gump style wisdom.

God I wish I could do Bunyan style wisdom - gump is all I can manage. but true to my own advice I am thankful for it. Bunyan's probably not all that, anyway

Laquitar · 17/11/2011 11:03

I didn't mean that you do Synical. But there are people who do in order to comfort themselves and i dislike that.
I agree about appreciating what you have, when you have it.