I know IABU but I'm jealous of my friend's 'perfect' life and don't want to be

[TougherThanTheRest]

We've recently got to know another couple and really like spending time with them but their life appears so perfect that I'm starting to feel jealous and resentful.

He's funny, successful, a great Dad and a thoughtful husband. She's a great Mum, naturally good at things like cooking and entertaining, who manages to have a job she enjoys that also fits around their clever, attractive children. They're popular, well-travelled, live in a lovely house, drive nice cars and have several holidays a year plus weekends away and nice grown up nights out. And on top of all that they're really nice people. (That's a lot of 'nice' but it sums them up).

We on the other hand muddle along like most people, never quite on the breadline (which I am thankful for) but never very comfortable money-wise either. Neither of us hates our job but nor are we especially happy with them. We haven't got as many children as I'd have liked for lots of reasons which makes me sad. My DH is a fairly good Dad and husband but will never be a go-getter (although neither am I so not in a position to complain), mostly we get on well but there are times when I wonder how the hell I ended up with him.

I think generally what I feel is that nothing we have is quite good enough or what I would have hoped for - not just material things but life in general - especially when I compare us with our friends. I'm sure their life isn't as perfect as it appears but there's no area where I feel we can even begin to compete with them (I do know it's not actually a competition) and it's beginning to really get to me.

I know I probably sound like a shallow, ungrateful bitch but this is how I feel. I don't want to but I do. How do I get some perspective and stop feeling dissatisfied with my really not that bad life?

I don't think that's what Xenia meant what. She said "reduce" these risks. Obviously eating well and exercising do reduce the risks of some types health problems. They don't eliminate the risk of all health problems of course, but she didn't say that.

As long as you are healthy I don't think the rest matters, as long as you have enough money to live.
I think that the grass is rarely greener.
Very often you can see a celebrity in a magazine and they seem to have it all, they are successful, have an expensive 'show house', the perfect looking DCs and clothes and they witter on about how wonderful it is and then 6 months later you read that they are getting divorced so it must have been a facade-and quite a convincing one.

"Never compare yourself to others because thereby lies madness."

"If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself." Desiderata

Cult members.. not sure if they will get bonsoir's perfect thighs but we could certainly have red shorts as the uniform. In fact on the way to the island just over a week ago I got one pair of shorts soaked as I got ashore so was stuck with one pair only left - red shorts surprisingly (bebe.com sports wear from US) althoiugh I suspect BS' thighs look better in hers than mine but then that doesn't bother me one iota as I have the secret of contentment.

I think the island is not quite what people think. It's not Branson. It's more Robinson Crusoe and quite physically challenging.

I didn't say all mental health problems were cured with either the types of diet clinics recommend (3 meals a day, slow release carbs, enough protein etc) or pills/therapy although those things do help. I was talking about risk reduction and there certainly are things we can do to reduce risk. It will not eliminate risks and we all choose our own risk levels. I had a gun on the island. There is risk there.

Also of course I am very sorry for anyone who has to deal with illness. That was my point really that doesn't matter how rich you are you still have the same terrible things that can happen to you and I've had deaths of parents etc and they are no more fun if you're reasonably well off than if you aren't.

Some people are unhappy whatever life throws at them and some bounce again after all things that go wrong although it must be hard to bounce if you're in constant pain etc.

So was I born an optimist or did I make myself one or am I happy because life played me a good hand or what?

Still people respond differently to divorce, illness, bussiness failure, cheating husband etc.

The 'perfect' friend i mentioned earlier had a huge failure 2 years ago, she was set up by others and she nearly went to prison. It was very dramatic time and i -being a 'chicken'- nearly had a breakdown on her behalf. I honestly couldn't handle it. Her? She just called it 'adventure' and 'interesting experience', she dusted herself and she used it for her next project. Some people got it in them imo. And good for them! Not an ounce of envy from me, i actually like watching these people and being around them. But i wouldn't live their life because i don't have the strong stomach. I know my skills and my limits and i'm ok living a less glam life.

And yes, we don't know whats around the corner but that doesn't apply only to those with 'perfect' life - i still don't understand why many posters keep repeating this to get comfort . It applies to the rest of us too. At least the people you are talking about might deal better with it.

Yes, the very poor as just as likely (indeed more so) to suffer bad health. In fact some sections of society have things going wrong all the time. Life expectancy is low.

Rather than the correlation being what might seem fairer - if you have a low income you make up for it by being a lot happier, avoiding stressful jobs and living longer in fact the less power in your job and life the more stress you have (despite the myth that those at the top suffer so much more) and the lower your income the more likely you will also suffer ill health, heart attacks and die younger and lose a partner early.

Get richer and you might even get healthier and live longer.

True, Laquitar.

I don't know if some people are glass half full types, "copers" or, in some cases, quite hard-hearted, but they do seem to keep on an even keel through circumstances that can break other people.

Agree as well with the taking comfort from the fact that something unfortunate may befall lucky people. Some people get shit heaped on shit. Others get the charmed life. Most get bits of both. It's merely superstitious to think otherwise.

Xenia - couldn't some of that be attributed to diet and stress though? Poorer families eat cheaper and less nutritious food and have the menial and sometimes more physically demanding jobs? Not always, obv.

Yes, although actually physical exercise helps people. Those sitting at desks eating cream buns all day can be less healthy than someone scrubbing 4 floors every morning.

I eat very cheap food like tins of sardines, raw carrots, brown rice. You can eat very well and cheaply but only if you have the brains to know how I suppose so may be it's an IQ issue.

Yes, gramercy I think it's my robustness and ability to cope which means I feel fine (and why people heap responsibilities on me which is fine because I cope with them).

Not everyone who copes is okay though. Some aren't. The Portuguese man they brought in to run - can't remember what - he worked himself very hard and is now taking total rest somewhere. He would have been regarded as a coper but clearly wasn't.

I remember a journalist interviewing me once and she had done a lot of successful woman. She said one thing we all seemed to have in common was doing work or doing something with the children and thinking -0 there - done enough, that's okay. Rather than oh dear, that was nothing like good enough I must be a perfectionist about everything. Bringing up children is a lot about compromise and balance and that can be the same with a lot of work too - knowing when you've done enough to be a decent job. perhaps it comes down to being content with what you have.

There was a study I read that said poor people are, in terms of health, 7 years older than wealthy people. That was after they had factored in the increased chance of poor people smoking, eating bad food etc.
The theory is (and I know in my bones it's true) is that the less control you have over your life, and the more worry you have (like about how to pay the bills) the worse your health.

"I eat very cheap food like tins of sardines, raw carrots, brown rice. You can eat very well and cheaply but only if you have the brains to know how I suppose so may be it's an IQ issue."

I'm giggling here at the requirement of a high IQ to cope with sardine tins and uncooked carrots.

The only solution is to find yourself some less successful friends to hang around with. My husband is always delighted when I come back from spending an evening with any of my friends whose marriage is in difficulty etc as it makes him look so much more impressive and successful in the husband stakes.

Actually it's very complex as to why people who do not earn much tend to eat badly.

Avocets is right - surround yourself with people who do worse and people are happier - we are such a competitive jealous species, all wanting the biggest penis gourd in the jungle or female equivalent.

My mum's best friend felt like this - my mum had a great husband, kids, interesting job and lived in a lovely place. Her best friend lived in a small flat in a place she didn't like much and hated her job and being single.

Then my dad's personality suddenly changed entirely, he got sick, was diagnosed with a brain tumour and died after a long and traumatic illness, through which my mum cared for him. What seemed like a pretty, interesting house soon became a leaky, crumbling, unmanageable pile. The fascinating job became too much as a single mum. Then my mum got cancer too.

So, I guess, times change and so do fortunes.

Avocets

northernwreck, i think it might also be the self-esteem and seeking medical help. And demanding further tests etc. Many poor people, or people who were poor before or those who came from countries with no free health care will not go to doctor with the first symptom, only if they are in pain. And they might feel intimidated to follow their instict if the doctor sends them home with no further tests. Which is very sad.
I imagine Xenia will argue with the doctor and will invistigate any health worries.

Re the diet i have the IQ to know sardines=Omega3 and i happen to like them but i still cant resist a pepperoni pizza with a cold Stella too.

A lovely picture of a wedding couple on TV today-he was a milllionaire farmer. He has just admitted to murdering her. I bet they looked as if they had it all. People are not always what they seem.

I know I am lowering the tone on this thread but I am now fixated by the idea of Xenia, tooled up on her island, in bebe.com shorts, whilst drafting IP agreements.

Xenia, I salute you.

Mmm. beeer Laquitar. (too distracted by thoughts of beer to take in what you said)

When you think about it,to most people in the world you would be the subject of great envy in your material wealth and stability.
However it is the nature of Humans to covet that which we do not have - perhaps the key to our success as a species?
It is trite to trot out the line "there is always someone worse off than yourself". Rather, perhaps try to re-evaluate what is important to you and look at what you have already. Remember - no-one in the entire world has what you have.

otchayaniye You don't happen to be referring to a young woman who is also a very talented artist as well? I'm just wondering if we know the same princess :)

I think that the people on this thread who have suggested looking at your friends' life and seeing what aspects of it you could learn from are very wise. A few years ago, I realised I was very jealous of a friend who worked part time, as she had so many opportunities to do voluntary work (yes I know, vomit vomit) and clearly found it so fulfilling. So I talked to my DH about it, went part time at work for a while, and eventually found a new job working for a charity, which is what I do now, and is both fun and fulfilling.

I wouldn't be doing that if I hadn't sat there hearing my friend talk and feeling deeply envious.

No one's life is perfect all the time. Look at Demi and Ashton.

BMW is right that human covet what they don't have which is presumably why we triumphed over the neanderthals etc and grabbed the land we have grabbed and covet our neighbour's ox or wife although I don't think that makes us too happy

Studies have shown people would rather get a £20k pay rise than £40k if their colleagues got a £10k one rather than £60k for the colleague, time and again. Actually we could do with women being more competitive so they get on a bit better at work so perhaps I should be encouraging them to fight tooth and claw up the greasy pole with all the men at the bottom.

I certainly agree with GM about trying to effect change if you aren't happy rather than just talk or moan about it.

(davey, the red shorts on the island etc - not quite the good sight it might seem as I was quite red (I have two skin colours - red or pure white) and a bit dirty - the only fresh water comes out of a cliff into a small pool on the rocks and the gun stayed in the tent all the time so would probably have been worse than useless had I needed it.

However making this relevant to happiness I do find days like that when I'm walking or moving all day, swimming, climbing in rain forest, sitting only on the ground (which I think is a position which is much better for humans than chairs), sawing tree branches etc and being outside 12 hours a day in sun shine does make me feel good. That is consistent with what a lot of doctors would say - get outside in the open air, move, walk, take sun light. Sunlight also tops up vitamin D levels which tend to get depleted in all of us in miserable British winters and is not really ingested in the same was from diet and pills.)

Health.
loved ones
can't put a price on those

Yes, I'd put health about love. Even if you have a partner/spouse and children whom you love and who love you if you're in constant pain I would imagine it would be hard to feel happy.

Also some people are never lonely even if alone and others even with lots of friends/family feel lonely and unloved so I think personality play a part too.

I too have successful friends. One has just inherited a 500k house. I'm divorced, retired and a small mortgage. I cant diwnsize as my house is tiny anyway. My car is on its last legs and I have health issues. My friends are lovely and we get on great but it niggles away at me that I have little money. If i was the friend with the 400 I would have paid my mortgage off as a gesture. But that's me. I'd give my last penny to help them. Am I awful thinking that?