I know IABU but I'm jealous of my friend's 'perfect' life and don't want to be

[TougherThanTheRest]

We've recently got to know another couple and really like spending time with them but their life appears so perfect that I'm starting to feel jealous and resentful.

He's funny, successful, a great Dad and a thoughtful husband. She's a great Mum, naturally good at things like cooking and entertaining, who manages to have a job she enjoys that also fits around their clever, attractive children. They're popular, well-travelled, live in a lovely house, drive nice cars and have several holidays a year plus weekends away and nice grown up nights out. And on top of all that they're really nice people. (That's a lot of 'nice' but it sums them up).

We on the other hand muddle along like most people, never quite on the breadline (which I am thankful for) but never very comfortable money-wise either. Neither of us hates our job but nor are we especially happy with them. We haven't got as many children as I'd have liked for lots of reasons which makes me sad. My DH is a fairly good Dad and husband but will never be a go-getter (although neither am I so not in a position to complain), mostly we get on well but there are times when I wonder how the hell I ended up with him.

I think generally what I feel is that nothing we have is quite good enough or what I would have hoped for - not just material things but life in general - especially when I compare us with our friends. I'm sure their life isn't as perfect as it appears but there's no area where I feel we can even begin to compete with them (I do know it's not actually a competition) and it's beginning to really get to me.

I know I probably sound like a shallow, ungrateful bitch but this is how I feel. I don't want to but I do. How do I get some perspective and stop feeling dissatisfied with my really not that bad life?

It's not schadenfreude.
It's an acceptance that shit happens.

I like the Mozart quote :)

I'm forever comparing myself to others and finding myself wanting as I always try to see the best in others and then beat myself up as I'm not as kind/ funny/ clever/ hardworking etc. as them.

However, I didn't realise that my life made other people feel envious as I was so down on myself and thought everyone else was better than me. For e.g. Several people have been envious of my 'easy' pregnancy but that's because the issues I've had have not been things I want to discuss so they just hear that I didn't have morning sickness or anything else uncontroversial and think it's all fine and dandy.

If you're lucky you'll know what's important to you and perhaps you can focus on putting more of it into your life to make you feel more content. I still haven't found a true passion yet but I hope one day I will and then I can start to feel contented too :)

Another thing I find is that I rarely talk about my worries/difficulties etc because when I go out I go out to escape from them by having a jolly time and a laugh to recharge the batteries. So people do tend to assume everything is fine and dandy in Happyland.

I do find it a bit depressing that there are so many responses on this thread which effectively say "they may be doing great on the outside, but they're probably miserable/have been miserable/will be miserable in future on the inside".

Why do we need to pick holes in someone else's success in order to feel better about ourselves? Isn't it possible that they really are just happy and successful?

Sometimes, people are just luckier than others. I'm luckier than many, many people in the world. On the other hand I am not as lucky as Tamara Ecclestone some other people. If I compared myself only to those who are luckier than me, I'd feel dreadful. So I'd say, OP, count your blessings. I don't mean this in a snippy way. I just mean, I think you will feel a lot better about your life if you either don't compare yourself, or (more realistically) compare yourself with the full spectrum of people rather than just this one couple.

I have friends who go on about how lucky I am blah blah blah

And in parts they are right, money fine, nice house, two bright kids, supportive parents/extended family, doting DH, job I love, etc.

However;

A house is just a house, actually loved the one we had before this one more.It's costing an absolute fortune in cash and stress.I wish we had never moved.

Kids fine but DD caused 2 years of absolute fecking hell which almost destroyed the entire family.

Parents are so great but also v disabled and I am only child so lots of caring done by us which I've always done so barely notice but does take up lots of time.

DH is very adoring and I love him completely but can be a tad stressy and when he is I go instantly on the attack and can be very mean indeed.

Have been on major AD's for many years due to terrifying DV as a child.

I love my job but it is so so so stressful sometimes that I sometimes have to go sit in the car and weep. Usually about twice a week.

Hullygully Thu 17-Nov-11 15:23:15
Another thing I find is that I rarely talk about my worries/difficulties etc because when I go out I go out to escape from them by having a jolly time and a laugh to recharge the batteries. So people do tend to assume everything is fine and dandy in Happyland.

Same Hully. People were dumbfounded when one by one they gradually fell in that DP had been made redundant and through an horrendous employment tribunal, because when we socialised during that time, it was about having fun for us, not ragging on about our trials and tribulations. I heard "you'd have never known" on more than one occasion.

No one is 'Perfect'...and as someone already mentioned they are good friends try to appreciate the relationship you have with them.

Op I have colleague who since left my company and we have stayed friends through FB. I keep up to date on him and his family's life via FB. And I too have those feelings, his wife is attractive doesn't work. ( The only relevance too her not working is that I work fulltime > 60 hrs each week ) They live in California and all they seem to do is go to parties or vacation with thier perfect DD.
Now I am well aware that you wouldn't post crap on FB and only post either enjoyable fab events or family pics but I am still a wee bit jealous. And that in most cases you would only post yourself looking your best!
The worst part is that they are really nice , normal people who have challenges like we all do.
In my moments of sanity I realise that I chose my life, I wouldn't stay at home for love nor money. I chose my DH and I am blessed with a a healthy rascal of a DS (9). I think we need to appreciate what we have good lives and focus on the good. If we are that unhapppy with aspects of our lives we should attempt to improve them within the realms of our capacity.
I am sure there are peolpe outside of your life who are looking on with envy at aspects of it.
I think that is just real life.

perhaps if you have only known them a short while you don't know them very well.

everyone has their problems

I am sure there are peolpe outside of your life who are looking on with envy at aspects of it.

exactly jen

LeQ, you keep saying things like that (Hully will etc). I thought we were friends these days?

LeQ I more meant, while you were envying your friend, there were probably other people envying you. in other words "count your blessings"

I'm not so keen on the idea that behind every seemingly happy couple is a horrible secret! Makes me wonder what my own DH is secretly up to!

I knew a perfect couple. I discovered a few years on that the wife had attempted suicide and was reliant on medication. I absolutely could not believe she had had a moments despair in her whole life but it was true.

Every family has something.

Don't be daft and give me an orange one

nom nom nom

You see OP?

Even LeQ has her crosses to bear. And she actually is perfect.