mum at school screaming at her child

[newgirl]

Not sure what to say about this - a mum at school dropped off her two young children this morning and was really screaming at them to get out of the car. I thought "must be tough morning" but I could still hear her a few hundred metres up road.

Just found it upsetting. Its happened once before. Kids seem very sweet.

Not sure why Im posting really - just bit sad

My ds was an impossible, out of control toddler. I didn't shout at him but did my best to manage his behaviour in a way that didn't impact on others. He has grown into a lovely 5 year old who it is really not necessary to shout at. I can ask him to please stop doing things and he will probably stop. If he doesn't I will suggest a consequence and then he will stop.

I had been finding mornings stressful recently but have solved the problem by getting up 1/2 hour earlier. Sometimes there are ways to simply deal with stressful factors, rather than getting worked up and shouting.

My mother would have said she wasn't different to others, just louder, because she came from a loud family and why should she change herself. Actually she was a screamer.

Did you miss the post @ 22:40:25 anniemac? You might scare other children. Because you know they will never hear a shouting in the street until they are 18 yrs old.

That would be me anniemac maybe the women with the children jumping on the tables comes on here and was worried she would be judged if she raised her voice, as it happens I think she was judged more for pussy footing around them.

And I agree with you about consistency and discipline

I was joking. I agree with you. (I have loud voice even when i speak normal)

I screamed at dd today, like a full on banshee. We were doing 70 on the m25 and she was hanging out of her seatbelt. Yes I scared her and yes she got back inside the seatbelt pretty bloody quickly.

I'll scream again tomorrow if she does it again.

I raised my voice at ds2 8 on the way home from school 2 months ago after two whole weeks of moaning wingeing and dragging his feet two and from school every single day, ds3 8 months was grumbling for food, I was 4 months pregnant and sick as a dog and id had enough

The child realy knows how to wear you down. It's very rare I raise my voice or shout at them but sometimes enough is enough, I realy don't care what random people on the street might have thought

Laquitar, my point is not about being precious it's that the shouty, angry mum I witnessed yesterday was being anti-sociai and offensive. If this was an adult speaking to another on this way in a public space and the police where present it would be a public order issue as people have the right not to feel intimidated in this way when they're walking down the street.

What is wrong with you people if you think that is an acceptable way to live? You seemed to have convinced yourselves that it is a perfectly normal way to behave. When people object the same crap is peddled out, 'I shout and scream at my kids but deep down they know I luv em!' - wake up call, they are terrified of you!

What a stupid thing to say, terrified I'm sure

anniemac, so what your mum shouted and was in control mine didn't and she was still in control- it's called 'respect'!

Moominsarescary, is the truth too unsettling?

And begs the question why have 4 children if they are prone to wearing you down.

Nope I will ask my 16 year old tomorrow if he's ever been scared of me raising my voice, I know what he will say

And it wouldn't matter how many children I had, they are all individuals and if ds2 was an only child he would still be great at trying to wear you down, nothing to do with how many others I have

Bit judgy arnt you? I can garentee you that at some point in your child's life someone will judge your parenting skills in a negative way.

You should think on that

I always knew my mother loved me - she was devoted to her family. I think she was a good person but it didn't make her a good parent.

Obviously it is better to be shouted at and to know you are loved than shouted at and not know you are loved. And it is better than being told horrible things (my friend whose mother used to tell her she was fat had way more issues with her as an adult than I had with my parents). But it is still not good. I was scared of my mother (as were all the other children around). I was nervous with other adults. I wouldn't go to her with problems. I found the atmosphere at home oppressive and used to spend as much time as possible in my room or the garden. I was a good kid, but so were all the children whose parents didn't shout at them.

And, again, it is not normal to shout at your children in public. I have never seen anyone (except my parents) actually shout at their child in public. Occasionally, I see a parent speaking sharply to their child and it makes me look up, because even that is unusual. And all these children (once past the difficult toddler age) seem to be really nice children. You don't have to shout to have a well-behaved child. So stop telling yourself you are doing your children a favour or that you are acting normally.

I'm not a very loud person so I don't think I'm really a shouter and definitely not a screamer - I don't think it's nice to be loud/shout/scream, especially at children - but I am a 'hisser' and I have a 'tone' of voice that some would find 'not at all Mary Poppins'. I am strict and I have a short fuse for kids pissing about when they've been told. They get told and I expect them to do as they're told I will not ask Little Tarquin 20x to 'Please get down darling' - he will be asked to get down nicely, once. Then he will get told to get down. I am exactly the same at home, in the street, at the shops or at school and people that say things like 'if they're like that in public.... ' piss me right off... I do what I think is right, I don't 'perform' for anyone's benefit.

My cousins, however, are shouters/screamers - a very vocal lot!! It's water off a ducks back to their kids (the actual shouting that is, they do as they're told & they respect their parents) and their kids adore their parents. Half the kids are late teens now & are all brilliant, well adjusted, kids who think the world of their parents.

To shout or not to shout - it doesn't matter, it makes fuck all difference if they're loved and they know it.

Yes but it is unnecessary and unpleasant.

To be fair, for some it will make them doubt that love. IME the relationship you have with your adult children will suffer. Convince yourselves it is all very normal at your peril.

I am sure I have been judged already on the way I rear my children (not child Moominsarescary) in fact I know I have been but it won't be on shouting and humiliating them in public.

The fact is we all get judged by others no matter how we behave with our children.

I was in Asda when DS was 3. He asked for chocolate and I told him no, he'd already had chocolate today. Cue crying, wailing, moaning .. I did what I thought was right. Went down to his level, told him calmly that he was not having more chocolate and that he could have a fruit snack. He continued to cry so I continued to shop with him walking beside me in tears ignorning his behaviour (he was crying because he wasn't getting his own way).

Lady approaches me and it goes like this

Her "Is that your son?"
Me "Yes" (surprised)
Her "You might want to try being a mother to him"
Me
Her "I've been watching you shopping and ignoring his cries. Poor wee lad"
Me
Her "tut-tut" and a lot of headshaking
Me

Point is anything I did would have been wrong. If I'd shouted, I'd have been wrong, if I'd given in and bought him chocolate I'd have been wrong, if I'd mollycoddled him for having a tantrum I'd have been wrong, I ignored his bad behaviour and I was wrong.

I am not a shouty mum personally, I find firm voice and consequences for misbehaviour more effective.

I don't think it's "normal" to shout at kids all the time but nor should we rush to judge a parent because you've seen one or two incidents.

If you believe a child is in genuine danger/abuse/neglect/desparately unhappy in their family life then I'd be the first to make the call to social services.

But unless you know more about a family, you cannot make a rash judgement on a few minutes that you've witnessed.

Ds1 says don't be rediculous why would he be terrified because someone raised their voice at him, he also said teachers raise their voices all the time.

I think you're being judgmental and patronising with your 'sadness' over this. You have no idea of their circumstances or the mechanics of their family life.

Ha ha @ Chippingin's hissing - me too! With a bit of growl and a scary eye thrown in for good measure!

I have on occassion shouted my bleeding head off at my dc when they have been naughty after hours of them pushing every button I have or in times of stress. I don't like to do it, I don't think it's the way to go - I always talk to them afterwards, apologise if necessary, cuddle them. They know they are very much loved and are secure in that and I accept I am human and am not always a perfect parent.

I can honestly say that no, I have never screamed at my DD, nor sworn at her or hit her. I'm by no means perfect though, obviously.

There's why. One DD.

Goldenbear you are either exceptional precious or exceptionally deluded.

My mum shouted and smacked. We are so close, see each other every day and she is my very best friend.

DH's mother never raised her voice, never smacked. They have no relationship and are estranged .

Marvellous you don't shout, super duper. I know parents like you who do the, " Oh sweetie darling, don't hit that dog will you because longwindedandinappropriatereasoning".

Whereas most of us find a quick, " Stop that! " works wonders.

I just have the one DD and I'm afraid I am not as controlled as you. I have a very even temper, but a few times over the years I have got to screaming banshee point. I have always apologised afterwards.

She is 12 now and my DH had a 'mobile phone' disagreement with her at dance a couple of weeks ago. The other ballet Mums are still talking about his raised voice .

Oh ... I too am best friends with my previously shouty Mum now.