I know I am but help me change! Jealousy issue

[chewbaccy]

I have namechanged as embarrassed by my attitude! My much younger sis is a massive flirt, she is also stunning & by her own admission loves attention from men & says that she gets on better with men than with women. She has a habit of pointing out my faults, weight issues, grey hair etc & generaly stamping over my confidence. she gets on famously with my dh, he loves her company, finds her easy to talk to & she is always flattering him, telling him how good he looks, taking time to listen to him & monopolizing him at family events to look at his watch, learn ALL about his phone etc.
when he's not around she's her usual grumpy self but lights up when he walks into a room. She will criticize my musical tastes but when dh plays the same band/genre etc she says she loves it!! When I challenge her on this she denies she ever hated it!!
She shows little or no interest in our dcs but when dh is holding them she suddenly has a renewed interest and bends over to play with them and pretty much shows all of her ample boobs!
I know it sounds petty but we hosted a party where she she danced closely up to dh shaking her boobs in his face and not breaking eye contact. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and felt really weird about it..... Later that week she criticised somebody else for dancing in exactly the same way all over another man. I nearly reminded her that's how she danced to dh but I didn't want to make a scene as I know she'd downplay it and I also feel that she'd like a reaction from me.
Its getting to the point where I'm starting to dread any family get together as I don't know how to handle it..... Dh can't see a problem & I'm pretty sure he's flattered by the attention of a sexy young woman. we all do family things like swimming with all the kids, beach etc but I don't like going anymore because I can't relax because she always wears as little as possible! Honestly wherever we go she has every single man in the venue looking at her & cultivating!

I also think she knows what she's doing as she's very jealous in relationships which is why she prefers to stay single!

• Salivating not cultivating! Silly iphone!

• Salivating not cultivating! Silly iphone!

Sounds like she's Gaslighting you - deliberately doing all this just to provoke you. I bet that if (and I hope your DH has more sense!) they did have a fling, she then wouldn't want him anymore. She just wants "your toys" - just as if you were still small children, and whatever you had was immediately what she wanted, until she got it. It's not that she loves your DH or even has any actual real feelings for him at all, she just wants to deprive you of him and hurt you. She possibly doesn't even know why she does this, it might be partly from habit - an automatic reaction. Big Sis has XYZ so I WANT THAT, give it to ME NOW! Then she gets it, mission accomplished, Big Sis hurt, XYZ is hers, throw it away, she never wanted it anyway, and Bingo! a bit more hurt for Big Sister...
Immature, mean, maybe even spiteful, but it means you can see through her act, know what she's trying to do, and plan accordingly. And bear in mind that men can be fooled by a big smile and a pair of tits or a short skirt, and your DH may well be oblivious to her agenda and genuinely not see what she's up to until she makes her move on him.

I don't know why you are embarrassed - it's not you who should be embarrassed! What do the rest of the family have to say about your sister's very inappropriate behaviour?

I think you need to talk to her alone about this. Prepare examples of her behaviour that you have found upsetting and objectionable. Tell her she's being disrespectful to you and to your children and explain how that makes you feel. Try and keep calm. She is displaying symptoms of low self esteem and it's likely she wants to make you feel bad to make herself feel better.

And the next time she points out your faults, ask her why she's doing it? The truth can shame some people.

It's possible that she has no intentions towards your DH at all, it's just that she behaves like this around all men and it's become habit. She might not even realise she's doing it.
I still wouldn't confront her about it though, in case she is aware of what she's doing and getting a reaction from you is exactly what she wants.
Just make sure your husband is clued up - has he seen her behave this way around other men?

Nah YANBU. You are in catch 22 though, say anything and you look like a paranoid person, don't and you just have to suck it up. Remember though, who your dh married. Do you trust him? If you do then smile about her pathetic behaviour and rise above it.

That all sounds really difficult. Either be up front and tell her how you feel- and dont let her push it back on being in your heafd? Or tell her your DH thinks she is desperate and making a fanny of herself?

Yip what Gloribe says

my sister use to do this to me. happily my then husband wasnt even interested. but she worked her way through every other man that had ever been interested in me or i had liked.
it would be best if you let it not get to you because its not important, you just be yourself your dh is with you for a reason but your anxiety and lack of confidence is not going to be attractive. your sister is slagging you off making you feel bad and then dress up and smarming over your hubby its like like previous poster says she is playing childish games.
be the grown up.

YANBU - It sounds to me like your sister is being pretty unfair on you. It's not her fault if she's attractive, but putting you down and flirting with your husband would be unacceptable from a friend or acquaintance, more so from a sister. Her slowdancing with him when you were 8 months pregnant is pretty unpleasant. At best she was acting thoughtlessly and showing a complete disregard for your feelings. It sounds like more than that though. Do you think she might be jealous of you? Perhaps she envies your relationship and children. If when she finds it hard to trust a partner and not get jealous it would be natural for her to envy the stability of your relationship. That could also explain why she would feel the need to put you down. Some people can be very insecure, even if they are very attractive, and flirting is their way of seeking reassurance. I'm not excusing her behaviour, just suggesting that maybe you are the one in the position of strength here. I think you need to talk to her and your husband about this. He might not see a problem but if you feel uncomfortable then there is a problem. What you have posted is pretty good evidence and your husband has to recognise your genuine grievance and improve the situation by not responding to her flirtation. As for your sister, it sounds like she may be more difficult to tackle, and you may have to choose your words carefully. Just remember though, you are not being petty or silly. Something like this would make anyone feel upset so don't let them brush off your complaints.

i think you might consider laughing at her. she may or may not be doing it deliberately, either way it is a bit pathetic. your dh loves YOU, not her and the next time she starts her silly games i would remind yourself of this and then start laughing at her. tell her she reminds you of one of those stupid little dogs that humps peoples legs to get attention. then chortle to yourself and walk away. trust me, it'll drive her MAD.

if she is doing it subconsiously it may wake her up to how inappropriate her behaviour is. if she is doing it deliberately, there is nothing that will annoy her more than being laughed at.

thanks for all your replies. I do feel that there's an element of delighting: making me look stupid, I have mentioned it in a way to other sis, they're both v close I wondered (aloud) why she'd telephoned dh instead of me to make arrangements, other sis laughed it off & said its because I never answer my phone, which is half true as I have 2 dcs under 2! She has been the same around other family members' partners in the past but she is pretty popular all round so they have ended up looking silly.
She has on occasion said that my dh is boring & asked where I married him... In a conversation recently me & her one to one she said out of the blue that dh strikes her as very sexually inexperienced!
She bought him a birthday present when she rarely remembers anybody's birthday. When I thanked her I said it was nice as our other sis had bought him a gift too she replied 'did she?! ' and looked really put out.
I have confronted her about the constant put downs to me and she laughs it off & says I'm misunderstanding her. Dh knows how this makes me feel but as he over sees it & only hears her denial I think he think I'm being harsh on her.

oh god she sounds really inappropriate and immature

how OLD is she ffs.

i would have to say something.

honestly if it was my sister i'd ask her to quite whoring it up with my man right to her face and if she says she's not i'd tell her thats what it look like to everyone else. She's prob jelous of u having a lovely DH and children when she can't manage to keep a man herself you say that she prefers to stay single as she's jelous when it's more likely she'd love to have someone but can't make one work because of her jelousy (and tarty behaviour)

Wow, she really does sound like a proper cow I'm afraid.

I think you need to change tack a little. You need to get the claws out yourself a bit. Like very much CheerMum's suggestion that she reminds you of one of those 'stupid little dogs that humps peoples legs to get attention'. Wouldn't do any harm for you to word it as 'God, you know you remind US of one of those stupid little dogs that humps peoples legs to get attention! Don't you think you're getting a bit old for all this, hmm?' Looking as if you're about to burst out laughing, but trying frantically to hold it in (much more effective than a forced out-loud laugh).

Next time she makes a nasty comment: 'Wow, you really are getting unpleasant in your old age, X. Don't turn into a bitter old spinster, for ALL our sakes!' - with a smile.

She is immature, basically. She doesn't like the idea that Big Sis has things she doesn't, even if she doesn't want them - but, if she's got a problem with holding down a good relationship, she probably does want them - or at least is afraid that she isn't going to get them. If that makes sense!

This is something to sympathise with, but as she's being so nasty to you - gloves are off. Hit her where it hurts - point out her obvious jealousy and acting-upness, and laugh at it. She will HATE it, and it will be the most effective way to stop her in her tracks.

Oh, and don't waste time feeling inferior/less attractive etc. She acts like this with you because she needs to - if you weren't a threat, or someone she felt she had to 'keep on top of' - she'd probably either ignore you or be your best friend.

No harm overall though in spending less time with her, and telling your DH in detail why. You need to make it clear to him that her behaviour is well on its way to ruining your relationship with her, so if he does think she's 'harmless' - he'll listen to his wife and keep her at arms' length for her own good, before she messes up her family ties.

Jealous? You have every reason to feel that way when your sister is being a pathetic knob (yes it is pathetic to carry on like that, she sounds a sad case, flirting with someone married to her fucking sister!)

I'd avoid places where she'll be and I'd be tempted to tell people why- not that your jealous of her but that her behaviour is embarrassing and as your DC get older it's getting hard to explain why aunty is flirting with their dad- how inappropriate?!

Sorry about my rant but women like this really piss me off! And doing it to your own sister is so low.

She wouldn't be able to get away with half of what she does if your dh started showing a little more loyalty to you. Yes she's immature, annoying, and a general pain in the arse but why is your dh not doing more to show that he doesn't think it's appropriate?

Why does he not accept that his wife knows her own sister a heck of a lot better than he does? If you say that she is lying about something then he ought to be taking your word for it. It sounds to me as though he enjoys the attention too much to risk losing it.

misty: she is mid 20s we are early 40s & its making me feel like an immature twit!
Cheermum: I do try to laugh it off that's how i've dealt with it up until now, I know exactly why she's doing it, because she's insecure, probably a bit jealous of our homellife and she is very competitive with other women/girls when it comes to looks etc. She gets 'funny' if another woman has a compliment unless she's trying to make a good impression on someone then she will become very elusive with her compliments!

I'm not sure that confronting her is an effective strategy, - she will likely just roll her eyes and say that you're being paranoid and jealous, and should just lighten up etc. Then then next time you're together she'll do it even more.

But I think you should talk to your husband. Not in an accusitive way (he hasn't done anything wrong) but say how rubbish it makes you feel and how you wish she would stop. Make him understand that its not him, its her and it makes you feel frustrated.Then make a plan together to stop it.

I think the best plan (as some poster have already said) is to make it into a big joke between the two of you, that your little sister has got herself a crush on her BIL, like a little kid might. Maybe you could start referring to your sister (not to her, but in her earshot) as your H's 'secret admirer' and wondering whether she's written his initials in hearts all over her school bag. The more you can make it something that the two of you laugh about behind her back, the better.

What a difficult situation for you - I don't think your concern is born out of jealousy, but out of your sister showing an utter disregard and lack of respect for you.

In this case I would definitely say something. Something very firm and very direct:

'You were behaving extremely inappropirately with my dh - you know it, I know it, he knows it and everyone in that room knew it. You made yourself and me look very stupid. Do not do that again.'

This might sound hysterical but: I had a friend (no more) who slept with both her sister's fiances. Her sister still has no idea. She would never have believed it, no matter how fliratatious my friend was with them.

I agree with previous posters, but maybe the reason your DH lights up when she walks into the room is because he is likes having someone take an active interest in him and his life/things, and showing enthusiasm towards him. It is flattering.

Of course I do not know anything about your relationship with him, so I apologise if this is a silly suggestion, but perhaps if you tried to make an effort to be more enthusiatic towards things he has/does, then he might be less of his usual grumpy self towards you?

Your sister obviously has deep insecurity issues and feels the need for the male attention to make her feel better. She is actually jealous of you - she is jealous of your security, your children, your relationship.

I don't know how you help her, other than laugh it off and hope she realises that this method of getting attention is short lived and embarassing for others to witness.

Treating her behaviour as something to be laughed at in a slighly pitying way is probably the best course of action at the moment.

I think cheer has a good point - laugh at her. Be quite blunt about it too. When you go swimming say something like ' Blimey. are you sure you don't want to go and change, I don't think you managed to get the smallest bikini in the world!' or next time she dances with your dh 'Are you sure you don't want to jump on him here and now? No? Sorry, just checking' Laugh laugh wink wink etc.

That way it gives her a chance to re assess her behaviour rather than having to confront her.

Failing that just tell her to fuck off!

Totally agree with ShoutyHamster, and her suggestions on how to respond.

You know that trick of how not to be intimidated by someone, imagining them naked? How about, next time she needles you, you imagine her 10 years older and looking like a particularly slutty Lily Savage? Because if she continues to base her identity on the attentions of men, that is the direction she's heading in. (She prefers to stay single - my arse!)