I know I am but help me change! Jealousy issue

[chewbaccy]

I have namechanged as embarrassed by my attitude! My much younger sis is a massive flirt, she is also stunning & by her own admission loves attention from men & says that she gets on better with men than with women. She has a habit of pointing out my faults, weight issues, grey hair etc & generaly stamping over my confidence. she gets on famously with my dh, he loves her company, finds her easy to talk to & she is always flattering him, telling him how good he looks, taking time to listen to him & monopolizing him at family events to look at his watch, learn ALL about his phone etc.
when he's not around she's her usual grumpy self but lights up when he walks into a room. She will criticize my musical tastes but when dh plays the same band/genre etc she says she loves it!! When I challenge her on this she denies she ever hated it!!
She shows little or no interest in our dcs but when dh is holding them she suddenly has a renewed interest and bends over to play with them and pretty much shows all of her ample boobs!
I know it sounds petty but we hosted a party where she she danced closely up to dh shaking her boobs in his face and not breaking eye contact. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and felt really weird about it..... Later that week she criticised somebody else for dancing in exactly the same way all over another man. I nearly reminded her that's how she danced to dh but I didn't want to make a scene as I know she'd downplay it and I also feel that she'd like a reaction from me.
Its getting to the point where I'm starting to dread any family get together as I don't know how to handle it..... Dh can't see a problem & I'm pretty sure he's flattered by the attention of a sexy young woman. we all do family things like swimming with all the kids, beach etc but I don't like going anymore because I can't relax because she always wears as little as possible! Honestly wherever we go she has every single man in the venue looking at her & cultivating!

I also think she knows what she's doing as she's very jealous in relationships which is why she prefers to stay single!

I know really that its inappropriate I'm just not sure whether my reaction is appropriate if that makes sense! Interesting that a couple of posters mentioned narcs: we all believe our mum is a true narc & my dad always said that if our mum wasn't fancied by every man she came into contact with then she wouldn't rest until she had them. Also my grandfather has said the same about our grandmother. She was having affairs with teenage boys and others whilst she was married to grandad and also has very narc tendencies/blinked self serving attitude.

It often happens that narc mothers produce narc daughters. You and your other sister must be very strong characters to have turned out differently. You've possibly never given yourself enough credit for that though?

I think your reaction is entirely appropriate, especially in light of the 'acting' you do, in your marriage. I'd urge you to tackle that, as well as your sister's behaviour.

oh gawd OP you've got an unexploded bomb in the shed! metaphor, of course

so it goes down the family line eh. No wonder your family are so blinkered about the way your sister is behaving. It may open a giant can of worms but I think you could do with some counselling here. As sternface says, you're acting a role to keep the peace, swallowing grossly inappropriate behaviour, blaming yourself (or getting confused) - does that sound a familiar scenario to you?

Your sister is acting like a disloyal trollop, to be blunt, and your DH is lapping it up. They BOTH need pulling up here, as they are both disrespecting you.

Ask your DH how he'd feel if you put on a low cut, revealing dress and slow danced with his brother (for example) with your cleavage aimed at his face while he was sober as a judge stuck in a corner watching it all? I can guarantee he would not be happy, then point out the irony of his stance on that.

Pull your sister to one side, tell her to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a whore towards your husband. If she tries to turn this round on you, the steely eyed glare is a good tip, don't let her walk all over you.

sound familiar Chew?

hi I am v familiar with the narc tendencies as have been studying them for years, fruitlessly trying to work out my mother issues! I never thought of applying them to my sis, we've all spent so long directing it elsewhere! It really rings true though, the jekyl & hyde behavior depending on who's watching, so this makes her possibly more toxic than I first thought. There's a distinct lack of empathy which I attributed to her age.
During my pregnancies she showed no compassion or even interest when I was having hard times but suddenly when dh was around she'd offer to cook dinner for us, commercial & clean etc but always directing her offers to dh, never to me.
I think if I started talking to dh about narcs tendencies he'd think I'm bats! I might just cut down contact & tel him when he asks that I'm not happy with certain behaviors of hers and see what he says.
He already knows how feel about her putdowns and just laughs them off and tells me to ignore it.....

I'm just getting a chance now to properly read all your replies. I'm touched and tearful knowing that people understand how I've been feeling.
I'm also mortified @ the amount of typos I've made, honestly I do have a good grasp of the english language but have been rushing around, no time to preview etc.
Incroyable: I meant that she lights up when he (dh)) walks into a room. He is so not the grumpy type!

and she is a whole lot of fun around him which is why ii have been trying to 'ignore' things so far. There have been times when i've shown disapproval of their childish behaviors especially in front of dcs & they have looked at each other as though I'm the mean ole mommy to spoil their fun.

Chew

Go on Amazon and order a copy of Dorothy Parker's short stories and read the one called Cousin Larry.

Let me know if you feel like Lila!

So your kids are already imbibing inappropriate behaviour and see it as normal?

thanks redruby I love to read so will get on to amazon today :@) have been thinking about this lots overnight and feel strengthened after reading so many supportive posts.

dont have time to read whole thread, sorry but why are you feeling bad about YOURSELF?! She is the one that is BU. She is behaving really inappropriately. I think that either you or your DH need to say something to her. It is excruciatingly hard to do things like this in a family but her behaviour is probably not going to change unless you do. Good luck OP.

springydaffs: luckily our dcs our too young to notice any nuances but I get what you mean. If it makes me tense and unhappy of course they'll subconsciously pick up on it. My baby has already been accidentally hit by a ball due ti dh & sis playing stupid ballgame whilst she was holding baby. I was so annoyed as she'd instigated this game with dh whilst dh & I were dealing with dcs & they carried on playing even after I'd asked them to be careful. I'd asked several times to have my baby back but it was becoming embarrassing as once again it was a family gathering with onlookers , I didn't want to go all psycho hormonal mum by demanding the baby back, then he got hit on the head by dh's bad aim and everyone thought it was funny. I just cried as I felt so let down by myself & dh.

I hope you can later on perhaps have a look at the things you've written OP. 'psycho hormonal mum' is her script - not yours. YOu also say you cried as you felt let down by yourself, when you did all you could to stop it.

If you have 2 under 2 you will be feeling hormonal and vulnerable. I had 1 under 5 and I truly believed I was wanda the walking whale and refused to have sex for 2 years!
Your sister is being very nasty, at a time when a good sister would be bolstering your confidence and babysitting to enable you and your DH to reconnect.
My niece (7 years younger) had a crush on DH which was quite embarrassing. I was able to get across to him how awful it made me feel and he was rather embarrassed anyway so we took to embarrassing her when she acted inappropriately. Eg - if she began the sexy dancing in front of him he'd say 'sorry, my love, all my sexy dancing is reserved for one lady only' and come and find me (at which point we'd have a lowly slow dance). And stuff like that.
One memorable occasion when she waved her cleavage at him 'for gods sake put them away, I've seen bigger and better'.
IME it will only stop when he embarrasses her, so he needs to start taking your feelings seriously.

BTW, said niece is mid-30s now with DH and husband of her own. Still acts quite inappropriately once she has a sniff of a wine bottle - just NOT with my DH.

redruby: the book is ordered. I enjoyed some dorothy parker as a teenager so look forward to reading it!! Thankyou I was honestly expecting everyone to tell me I am being unreasonable. I purposely posted here & not relationships hoping for a scolding & some common sense knocked into me!!!

springlamb: that must've been awful for you, was your husband easygoing about it before you told him how you felt? I think some of the problem is that it isn't overt flirting apart from the dance thing which could have also been construed as her making fun of him... She is generaly outgoing and flirty & dh is usually the only other man around so there is nothing to compare it to. It just looks as though they're really good mates & that seems to be what dh thinks although he can't fail to be titilated by her behavior and her flaunting herself.

I can't add more than other posters have but wanted to say UANBU and I really hope you find a way to work things out.

Being 8 months pregnant myself, I cried at your description of the "dancing" it must of been soul destroying for you, particularly if other people saw it and didn't say anything to support you. Be strong as you ARE NOT in the wrong!!!

Women are a total mystery to DH. Although he hadn't told me before, it made him feel uncomfortable and when I told him it was really pissing me off a plan to put a stop to it was most welcome. Having said that, I think even if he hadn't felt uncomfortable he would have taken my feelings seriously and discouraged any attentions. 20-odd years on, women are still a total mystery to DH and there are times I wish some flirty female would whisk him off. But he's not much of a bargain now.
She is young free and single and I'm sure has ample opportunity to bask in her own glory in her social life. You shouldn't score points off family. It may be about one-upping you, or it may be about her own insecurities, but I do feel you need your DH to be really clear on boundaries. The other option is to have words with her which personally I wouldn't do.

There was a play on Radio 4 the Saturday before last with almost exactly this theme. You may want to listen to it! The sister in that blamed everyone but herself.

springlamb: well done for handling it so Well...dh & I are like ships that pass in the night at the mo so am reticent about starting a big serious convo about flirting etc but will wait until the right moment I think. I wouldn't say he's naive but he is very optimistic and positive about everyone and everything & I don't think he always sees the ulterior motives.

springlamb: sorry am posting on the run today! You said you wouldn't personally tackle sis re this? I'm interested in why if you didn't mind telling me, because you have personal experience of this its really helpful to hear your view.

anothermum & gramercy:
Thanks for your book & play suggestions, I will get online later when the babbies are asleep! Look forward to hearing the play, they're great to listen to in bed!