I know I am but help me change! Jealousy issue

[chewbaccy]

I have namechanged as embarrassed by my attitude! My much younger sis is a massive flirt, she is also stunning & by her own admission loves attention from men & says that she gets on better with men than with women. She has a habit of pointing out my faults, weight issues, grey hair etc & generaly stamping over my confidence. she gets on famously with my dh, he loves her company, finds her easy to talk to & she is always flattering him, telling him how good he looks, taking time to listen to him & monopolizing him at family events to look at his watch, learn ALL about his phone etc.
when he's not around she's her usual grumpy self but lights up when he walks into a room. She will criticize my musical tastes but when dh plays the same band/genre etc she says she loves it!! When I challenge her on this she denies she ever hated it!!
She shows little or no interest in our dcs but when dh is holding them she suddenly has a renewed interest and bends over to play with them and pretty much shows all of her ample boobs!
I know it sounds petty but we hosted a party where she she danced closely up to dh shaking her boobs in his face and not breaking eye contact. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and felt really weird about it..... Later that week she criticised somebody else for dancing in exactly the same way all over another man. I nearly reminded her that's how she danced to dh but I didn't want to make a scene as I know she'd downplay it and I also feel that she'd like a reaction from me.
Its getting to the point where I'm starting to dread any family get together as I don't know how to handle it..... Dh can't see a problem & I'm pretty sure he's flattered by the attention of a sexy young woman. we all do family things like swimming with all the kids, beach etc but I don't like going anymore because I can't relax because she always wears as little as possible! Honestly wherever we go she has every single man in the venue looking at her & cultivating!

I also think she knows what she's doing as she's very jealous in relationships which is why she prefers to stay single!

emmem: thanks for your support, it was mortifying for me!!! There was a lot of strange behavior from her that night: she commandeered a friend's baby (my friend's baby) even though she has little or no interest in babies and walked around with him...she barely knows this friend of mine & my friend was a bit surprised I think.
To my eyes it seemed 'contrived' she was wearing a slinky dress, as usual leaving not a lot to the imagination. It felt to me as though she was 'using' my friend's baby as an excuse to showcase her 'talents' of babywhispering and buxomness! I just remember thinking 'this is really fake'
also she spent some time baiting another friend's teenage son, making him do/say things for her amusement and his mum eventually told her to stop treating him lie a performing seal!
After the infamous dance incident (most of my friends had left before the dance) sis started ordering uh around to get her drinks, play her music etc. I didn't notice at first but when I did something snapped and I told her 'dh is not your slave, get it yourself'! I just wish I'd said something earlier to stop her dance & highlight her inappropriate behavior.

She sounds dreadful. Absolutely vile.

Your dh doesn't sound much better.

enormasnob: those are strong words re dh! Still not sure how I feel about his part in it,, I guess things will become clearer when we discuss it.....
I have ordered the 'nasty people' book plus a couple of others in the series!

Sadly I couldn't listen to the radio 4 play 'the middle' as it was only available for 7 days. I read the synopsis though and it sounded as though it was very relevant to my situation, hopefuly they'll broadcast it again.

I personally wouldn't tackle it head on, simply because I couldn't bear to expose myself emotionally to her. But that is me.
I would have no problem with a non-competitive female - talking feelings, sex, fat bits, the whole caboodle with a supportive female is one of the highlights of life. I also have no problem with DH sharing 'saucy' conversations with other ladies and even partaking of a 'saucy' dance in the right circumstances. But with someone who sees themself as competing with me (for whatever ill-conceived reason) - no, I would prefer to deal with by stealth.
In my case, it was dealt with by DH and myself and no-one in the family any the wiser (which has made it much easier over the years). If DH hadn't also seen it as a problem, I think I would have tried to deal with it by stealth myself by constantly reinforcing that we were a couple, that we shared stuff and secrets that no-one else could, etc. I know that sounds childish. Maybe you should have it out with her. Unfortunately, in matters of hormones and hearts, it can get a bit messy.
I am sorry to use the word 'saucy', I cannot think of another that fits. I don't mean sexual dancing by any means, say, if we were all talking about an upcoming party and a close friend said they were looking forward to it and said jokingly to DH that she would 'shake her booty' with him (is that the popular vernacular?) I would laugh my head off and say 'you'll have to catch him first, he'll be hiding in the loo'.
I think I have an inbuilt radar that tells me who is and who is not a friend of my marriage, I avoid those who are not and we've managed to hold it together for 27 years so far.

thanks springlamb your words have struck a chord with me. I know that she's not a friend of my marriage , its very sad, I didn't expect this from someone I love. I've always been a good sister to her until recently when so ,many things about her have struck me as 'off' and this is not just about my dh, so many aspects of her life. I guess she's young & still working out what she wants to be but at the same time its damaging me & my self esteem. Sometimes she will say 'im not in competition with x' and I have always thought 'You so are'! I can see it a mile off with her and other women.
We had a fall out one day where I was concerned about her promiscuity. I said that her whole life shouldn't be dedicated to making men fancy her, she gave me such a look as if to say well what else is there'?!
She is a bit of a fantasies & I guess this horrible behavior is part of her way of feeling better about herself.
Oh yes & she has always gone for much older men, she even told dh that the other day!
I will try for the tactic of showing how strong my marriage is. The other day she told him he has lovely feet!!! I replied 'that's because I take so much care of them!' she didn't really know what to say then. Later dh said to me that was an odd thing for her to say, I said she's just playing games but he didn't get my drift & I couldn't be bothered to explain!

*bit of a fantasist not fantasies

If I was in your situation I think I would get dh to just point out when she is being inappropriate, especially around the kids. Maybe she wont be so quick to down play it if it comes from him.

Confide to your husband, after swearing him to secrecy that poor sis has not only had the misfortune to have contracted genital herpes, but also anal herpes.
That should kill any sex appeal.

That was a joke, but this isn't. What if you were to capture some of her obvious antics on a video? Perhaps when he sees it played back, such as the dancing with eye contact etc,. he will see your point.
I would tell her to cool it, or don't bother coming around.
It is disrespectful of your sister to do this.

I agree to not exposing your emotions to her. I can't put it into words properly, but I'm thinking that if she's a narc, then she'll secretly delight in knowing that she has your Achilles heel.

My closest friends husband and I are really good friends. It fills me with absolute dread if my friend would ever feel the way you feel - it's simply wrong to toy with people in this way, and to me, pretty unforgivable when done by a sister. FWIW, she sounds extremely spoilt and seems to really 'milk' the limelight for being the 'baby' of the clan. Couple this with narc tendencies and you're battling against someone who will enjoy the attention the battle brings. In fact, I'd worry more about going head to head with her AND having a talk with your DH (especially in light of your concern that it'll turn heated with DH) because you don't want to give her any ammo for drawing them together ("Oh, big Sis is picking on us, what are we to do?" etc.).

Keep your feelings to yourself, make light of her stupid antics (I particularly liked the humping dog analogy) but have a heart to heart with DH. Innocent he may be, but if he was truly on board with your feelings, then you wouldn't be feeling this vulnerable.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense - been awake for hours and hours. I think your post has touched a nerve in us all - we all need to feel trust and security, and when that's threatened, it rocks us to the core. When it's threatened by someone who should be watching our backs, then it goes against nature. And it totally, totally wrong. YANBU. AT ALL.

loonytoonie: I think you've hit the nail on the head, I really don't want to give her an insight into how I feel about this, I'm seeing now that there's a lot of our mum in her & mommy dearest absolutely delights in knowing she's rattled cages & ruffled feathers!
We spent a day together shopping & she made so many off the cuff disparaging remarks about me I could barely see straight! She said 'you seem ever so stressed, what's up?' I just blamed backache, then a few days later I told the truth, how I'd gone home & cried to dh, she just sighed & said I'd misunderstood. Dh says isn't that how all sisters are?!

lifechanger: good name! Dh can't see how much it upsets me as I act totally 'normal' when the flirting happens. Its usually in mixed company & I don't like people looking at me or being seen to be upset especially as I'm so vulnerable breastFeeding & having not long given birth I know the floodgates will open so I just keep it in.
When amazon deliver the 'nasty people' books it's a good opener to tell him what I think is happening.

iscream: your joke: dh wouldn't be bothered , he's the least judgementall person I know, which is partly why I feel such a cow saying all these things! .

chewbaccy, I remember that feeling of vulnerability and exposure - it's horrible. You need to harden up with regards to this poisonous little toad. The fact that you still (I sense) have a lot of affection for her speaks volumes about the nice person you are. But it's time to start playing her game.

I'd think hard about the way you approach DH and what you say to him - in the sense that you really need him onside with this and sometimes, speaking emotionally and getting upset won't help. Keep a clear head, don't cry, DO NOT CRY, and categorically state, that this isn't a case of sisters being sisters. She's destructive, self-serving and very, very manipulative.

How well does he know your Mum? MIL relationships aren't always a bed of roses and he may think differently if you place your Sis and Mum in the same category. Doing so may make him see her differently and if you can explain to him the damage she has done in the past, and the damage she has the potential of doing now, then the rose-tinted specs may begin to come off. While you love your sister, she has some major issues going on and will quite happily rob you of your happiness in her quest to make herself feel good. Typical Narc, and there's nothing you can do or say to change her.

He needs to see that by saying "sisters will be sisters", he's condoning her behaviour. Even normalizing it. It's NOT normal at all and he has to see that or she's going to slowly bring you down. You need to team play this. Tell him.

What a piece she is! I agree with others who have said not to approach her directly about this - it will delight her to know she has unsettled you.

Does your husband know how upset this makes you, or does he think it is just a minor irritation? I don't think he is helping the situation, but some men are particularly dim about recognising how underhand some women can be.

I think as others have said, having a few good put-downs to suit most occasions might make her feel stupid - she obviously has it in her to feel vulnerable herself, as proven by the comment she made regarding your dress. Maybe saying loudly - bloody hell, are you on heat AGAIN?, with a snigger might make her feel stupid.

Would you be able to record/video some of her behaviours, whilst generally filming 'happy family events'? Your husband might realise what a prat he looks if he sees himself letting her make an idiot of him.

Just catching up with posts from yesterday.

OP I find it so sad that you can't be honest with your husband. Why would he think you 'bats' if you talked about narcissism? Haven't you discussed your childhood with him and your mother's and grandmother's behaviours? It sounds as though you are putting up a front all the time with him.

He really is the key to this, because then you can act as a team. Also, since your sister really only values men's opinions, seeing a man being contemptuous of her behaviour is likely to register far more than your comments ever will.

It also sounds as though you put him on such a pedestal - defending him for being naive (he really isn't) and having lots of qualities. For some reason I bristled at your retort to your sister about you looking after his feet, too! He's a grown man, he doesn't need a wife tending to his every need.

This makes me wonder whether although you may have managed to avoid your sister's form of narcissism, you might have been damaged in other ways by your childhood and have learnt that women should tend to a man's every need, in order to keep them at your side. Is there anything in that?

I totally agree with Sternface (good post). Good grief Op, if you can't have an honest discussion with your DH about your sister's completely inappropriate behaviour (and no, most sisters don't behave like that, why would he think they do?) and how his playing along is humiliating and hurting you, what sort of relationship do you have? I would be extremely unhappy in such a marriage. Your DH should be your supportive and loving partner, not facilitating your sister's attempts to hurt you by 'proving' to herself and to everyone else that if she wants your husband, she can get him. He needs to be the one to stamp down on this and you need to stop hiding your hurt from him.

Chewbaccy... Sorry that you're being made to feel like this by your sister. She sounds very desperate and sad. Do get your husband on board, tell him exactly how it feels for you and use the analogy of a gorgeous younger brother if you need him to get into your shoes to see it.

Which books did you order? I've had a look on Amazon as well - I found the collected stories, which I've put in my basket but am not sure if that's the 'short story' one or not?

she sounds like a fucking bitch, really. some sister!

try and cut time with her I would say, lfe is too short

hi sternface
Just a v quick reply as dashing around today. I think the comment re the feet was my clumsy way of turning her comment into a compliment for both of us rather than a moment between them. I do enjoy administering massages, beauty treatments etc. I'm pretty obsessed with cosmetics for myself and anyone else who lets me! Dh is also pretty good at returning the favor but its just something I love to do and I find it relaxing.
I'm far from the 'surrendered wife' type, I do enjoy 'looking after' people generally, its the type of work I do and I'm sure that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have never felt looked after.
Lots of things from my childhood have damaged me but I have worked hard through counselling, 'self exploration' (cheesy ) and professionally & personally have done a lot of study of human behaviors and human nature so deep down I accept I'm being played but my but as its a threat so close to home I am struggling to deal with it.

oh! And I think I am defending my husband as 'naive' because I don't real ly want to face the fact that he could be in some way complicit with her behavior. I am also scared that he might just tell me I'm imagining it or even worse turn around and say that she is very attractive to him! I know he wouldn't say that but its my fear. He is genuinely very loving towards me but can be thoughtless sometimes and oblivious to my feelings unless I am very clear and direct. I have a habit of expecting him to read my mind rather than spell it out.

lyingwitchinthewardrobe: I ordered the short stories one after googling the story details. I had one of her poetry books when I was a teenager, she was very caustic but I don't know if that is how she writes stories.
Happy reading! X

Yes, that's what I keep getting at. You are scared to be yourself with your husband, for fear of the 'self' that he reveals.

Does your dh have any siblings? I'm just wondering where he gets the strange idea from that this is normal behaviour for sisters.