I know I am but help me change! Jealousy issue

[chewbaccy]

I have namechanged as embarrassed by my attitude! My much younger sis is a massive flirt, she is also stunning & by her own admission loves attention from men & says that she gets on better with men than with women. She has a habit of pointing out my faults, weight issues, grey hair etc & generaly stamping over my confidence. she gets on famously with my dh, he loves her company, finds her easy to talk to & she is always flattering him, telling him how good he looks, taking time to listen to him & monopolizing him at family events to look at his watch, learn ALL about his phone etc.
when he's not around she's her usual grumpy self but lights up when he walks into a room. She will criticize my musical tastes but when dh plays the same band/genre etc she says she loves it!! When I challenge her on this she denies she ever hated it!!
She shows little or no interest in our dcs but when dh is holding them she suddenly has a renewed interest and bends over to play with them and pretty much shows all of her ample boobs!
I know it sounds petty but we hosted a party where she she danced closely up to dh shaking her boobs in his face and not breaking eye contact. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and felt really weird about it..... Later that week she criticised somebody else for dancing in exactly the same way all over another man. I nearly reminded her that's how she danced to dh but I didn't want to make a scene as I know she'd downplay it and I also feel that she'd like a reaction from me.
Its getting to the point where I'm starting to dread any family get together as I don't know how to handle it..... Dh can't see a problem & I'm pretty sure he's flattered by the attention of a sexy young woman. we all do family things like swimming with all the kids, beach etc but I don't like going anymore because I can't relax because she always wears as little as possible! Honestly wherever we go she has every single man in the venue looking at her & cultivating!

I also think she knows what she's doing as she's very jealous in relationships which is why she prefers to stay single!

Oh YANBU i would discuss it with DH and let him know how her behaviour makes you feel. She is clearly doing it on purpose but if he is responding to it then it is up to him to stop. She is family i think you have every right to say to her that her behaviour is inappropriate, can you get any other family members onside? Poor you, she sounds like an insecure bitch.

wow! So many replies! I wanted to reply individually to each poster but time is at a premium in our house! I know what she's doing, I think the reason I haven't made more of an issue with dh is because I don't want him to feel I'm a jealous harpy telling him who he can & can't talk to & mess about with. In her previous relationships whilst being jealous & paranoid she's always been unfaithful. She's now taken to having 'friends with benefits'. She asked me not to tell dh she sleeps around as she's 'so private'. She then dropped into a conversation 'x says I'm really great in bed' then looked sheepishly at dh & sort of laughed as though she didn't mean to say it.....
I feel she's being disrespectful to both of us. Dh never sees the bad in people and thinks she's great fun, friendly and easy to talk to

Wow she's a piece of work, you wouldn't tolerate it from another woman i'm sure. don't tolerate it just because she is your sister.

Have a very, very firm word and if she tries to laugh it off say that you are not finding it very funny and hold eye contact with her. If she laughs again repeat ad nauseum until the message sinks in.

If she wants to act like an attention seeking teenager then treat her like one.

Am I the only one wondering about your DH's role in this? I know you've said she comes on to him, but if someone else was all over my DW, I'd expect her to extract herself from that situation. Your sister is acting really badly, but if your DH acted like your DH, then you wouldn't be feeling like this.

I should add - I've seen many, many men try and come on to my DW over the years - and though I find it really disrespectful to our relationship and frankly pretty twattish of them, they are the ones who end up looking like fools because of her lack of response.

whereyouleftit: hilarious idea! Trouble is I don't really have to use my imagination as she is invariably barely clad as it is!
I feel bad saying all these things about my sis but its an anonymous forum & it feels so good to get it off my chest.
on her birthday we arranged to meet after work at a very casual bar, quite studenty/hippyish. I dressed accordingly. She turned up very late dressed like a glamour model while all her friends were dressed down for the venue. When a couple of us mentioned how dressed down we felt compared to her she replied 'well its MY birthday, I want everyone to look at me'! Of course they were all looking at her but it felt a bit sleazy to me.
Another occasion we were getting ready to go out. I had a beautiful dress and was feeling really glam. Her then boyfriend told me I looked great, sis looked me up & down and said 'well... If u feel comfortable in it then u should wear it.' needless to say that made me feel all wrong and I didn't wear it.
Oh and the day I tried on my wedding dress to show her she didn't even respond! Later when I 'jokingly' mentioned this she blamed it on a hangover.
she never complimented me on the dress, pics or anything, yet later dh was showing pics on his phone she was all 'wow! U look amazing! I haven't got any pics' & asked dh to send them to her.
At another family occasion she was quite respectably dressed til dh & some other dads turned up & all of a sudden her buttons were undone thus displaying her amazing bosom! I said 'your buttons have popped open' she gave me a dirty look and fastened them.
Gosh I thought I was too mature for all this. Its sad what the green eyed monster can do to derail someone!
Oh & its not just dh but previous partners too, even long after we've split.
She does this to friends and a cousin but when it all comes out she can always twist it to make herself the victim.

I think PomBear sums the situation up beautifully, and I certainly don't think you have anything to be ashamed of.

I think the answer is to see a lot less of her. I also think your dh needs to wake up to the situation a bit more - she is not treating you/your home with any respect.

I try to limit our time together as she upsets me even when dh is not around. Its hard though as her & other sis come as a package, so if I want to see one I have no choice but to see the other at the same time...and we have very few babysitters so I look so stupid when I'm desperate to go out with dh & I don't want to come home to her lolling around looking better than me on my rare night out, watching dh's have types of program even though I know she hates that type of show!

chew, I can speak from experience here. don't try and talk to her about it because she'll just twist it and you won't win.

the worst thing you can do is to reward her with any attention or comments.

laughing at her and sniggering about her is the only way to go.

p.s. she can only make you feel bad about yourself if you let her.

Porr you, I don;t blame you for feeling this way in the slightest. I think the firm but clear comments people have suggested here are the way forward.
Incidentally, WHY WHY WHY is it that some women cannot seem to talk to men without flirting/double entre-ing/straying into inappropriate territory? Usually the same women who proclaim ad nauseam they "don't get on with women." Probably because you're too busy thrusting your tits into their husbands' faces!
Bitter voice of experience!

I think you have to take this seriously OP. No relationship is teflon-coated, particularly when you have small children - the DH often feels left out (often I said, not always). She is clearly making a play for him and it's not as if she's 14 - which would be inappropriate anyway - but she's in her 20s and knows exactly what she is doing. imo she would have him in a heartbeat so please don't brush this off and take it on as your problem. Please tackle it squarely.

the first step would be to tackle DH. You are not being a jealous harpy but making moves to block a serious threat to your relationship. Turn it on its head - how would DH like it if something similar was happening to you? ie someone was coming on to you full blast. Sometimes you have to spell it out.

I'm sorry to say it but I've known of more than one sister who hasn't thought twice about shagging her sister's husband. she is coming on to him in front of you = maximum humiliation. And DH is being a numpty to not see what she is doing. United front OP - make a stand.

Your sister is a narcissist, plain and simple.

I agree she is gaslighting you.

The secret to this is being more open with your husband about your vulnerabilities. You shouldn't have to 'act' with him and pretend this doesn't make you uncomfortable. You need to act like a team and he needs to be in your corner every time she tries to put you down. If you both pull her up on your behaviour, or if your H starts making observations about her within the family, this will not look like you are paranoid and jealous.

She gets away with this because no-one confronts her, but I promise you that others will be equally irritated by her narcissism.

her behaviour

Cheermum - I am usually all about ignoring, starving difficult rellies or friends of attention etc. I also don't think you can go through life confronting everyone who pisses you off, otherwise you look like a loon. But in this case I absolutely think OP should confront her and say what I said in my post above. Bring others into it - make it clear she and everyone else is aware of what she's up to. Even if it causes a row, it will stick in her sister's eye.

OP - you have to do it with as little emotion as poss and refuse to engage or argue further, just a couple of 'you know exactly what I mean's will do!

you have all said some very helpful things. I am torn between saying something which I know could backfire. The rest of the family pretty much dote on her as the baby of the family, everyone excuses her behavior and put it down to her bubbly personality. Incidentally the 2 family members who are more cautious of her are men! I'm not close to these men but I get the impression they think she is a freeloader & piss taker. Then there is the cousin of a similar age who everyone treats as if she's a stupid jealous little girl.
I have talked to some of my own friends about it,, they just think I should ignore it and not make a fuss.

Yes but what's stopping you being honest and showing your vulnerabilities with your husband?

needless to say that made me feel all wrong and I didn't wear it.

erm, darling - you've got to get the measure of her and her games. She made a direct strike to steal your pleasure, you let her! It's as simple as that - promise. YOu've got to up the stakes with someone like this. Get wise, sister!

I meant stick in her sister's mind not eye!!

I get why you are in two minds, Chew. It's really very tricky.

YANBU! What a horrible situation. I'm in my 40's and I have younger sisters in their 20's, and they are lovely would never ever dream of flirting with my dh. I'd be really pissed off if any of them did tbh - they're all very attractive and great company but have never felt the need to 'steal my toys'. Thank god.

If I were you I would:

1. See a lot less of her.

1. Try to find a way to tell my dh that it is disrespectful to me if he allows sis to flirt with him. You do need to tackle him because I'm pretty sure my dh would be really embarrassed if my sis danced with him with her cleavage hanging out - really red-faced.

1. Total take the advice here of making her behaviour funny/embarrassing. Laugh at her. Rehearse a few comments beforehand to suit situations - I like the 'oh are you sure you can't find a smaller bikini' said with a voice that is trying not to laugh is the sort of thing.

Sometimes we all let siblings get away with things because they are siblings.

I must admit, having much younger sisters does occasionally knock my confidence a bit, (even though none of them do anything to warrant that). I can't compete with them looks-wise now I am in my 40's with children! I tend to play the 'old married woman' card quite a lot, things like 'oh, maybe when I was young and gorgeous I might do that, but I'm an old married woman now' sort of thing. Don't know if that makes sense at all. Act like you are not at all threatened by her youth and looks, but you are comfortable in your own skin.

Just read the bit about the dress - don't fall for that dirty trick again!!

I'm with springydaffs - apalling behaviour. She knows exactly what she's doing, she's just being cruel.

sternface: what's stopping me is that I'm very hormonal & feel too emotional about the whole thing. We are both so tired with the babies & he works such long hours I feel that the 'conversation' could become a row. When we were first together I showed jealousy (supported by my sisters)) about him still being in touch with ex gfs & having lots of pics of them etc. We had several rows about it..... He was working away and my imagination ran riot. I don't want this to become like that so am trying to act nonchalantly !
Dhhas wondered on a couple of occasions why she was flattering him & I tried to explain what I believed she was doing & he seemed bemused !

On the night where she danced 'at him' he was mortified as he's not given to making 'a show' of himself in public, but he didn't move away , lots of couple were watching and laughing. Mainly his friends although one of their wives kept llookinguyen at me to guaget my reaction. I just laughed along with the others although I was unimpressed & felt we were both being disrespected. I of course was the only sober person as about to give birth! I think dh did enjoy it though but didn't see it as anything sinister just tipsy fun.

I'm sure your DH isn't that naive, but I wonder how he would feel if his gorgeous younger brother acted the same way towards you? Damned right the dancing was disrespectful and his friend's wife thought so too.

I think you have a different problem here that needs tackling. You are 'acting' a role in your marriage and trying to be something you're not. What every poster here is saying is that this is not you being unreasonably paranoid and jealous and that your sister's behaviour (and to an extent your husband's for enabling it) is the real problem. Jealousy is a perfectly acceptable emotion if it's proportionate to the threat.

The situation you describe is extremely inappropriate but you can't seem to see that, instead blame yourself for being 'jealous', 'emotional', 'hormonal'. I'd be jealous, emotional and hormonal if I was faced with something like this and I think most people would be. I also think your DH is being a bit slippery here - I'm not suggesting he intends to act on it but imo he's not being truthful re tipsy fun (my foot). YOur family seem blind to your sister's machinations, which will make you feel you are on your own with this shit. And shit it is OP. You need someone who will validate that it is shit, that's it's not 'you' being silly/hormonal etc. but her being vile, disrespectful, outrageously inappropriate. Right under your nose. On your patch. With your husband. In public.