to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

Hi Kittens

Have only seen your thread a little earlier but wanted to agree with everybody. She is a self absorbed cow and clearly not worth a moment of your time.

Your replies, excellent. Absolutely brilliant and I hope your DH thinks so to.

Have a wonderful holiday and don't give her a second thought

Grovel I did agree with you (as you may have seen below). But thinking about it - the bride would have realised with the initial invite that all of their mutual friends would have seen the OP slinking off after the minced pies while they were going to the reception and wasn't worried about it.

Kittens, if you're strong enough to write that I retract all my advice above. Brilliant. I think I agree with Sharrie's change.

I don't hugely want to send her the email BUT

1. I don't want to be caught off guard with a call or another email when she gets the RSVP - I find responding well difficult at the moment so would like to do it on my own terms IYSWIM
2. I don't like the silent treatment, or sulking, or tittle tattling. I think it's immature and I don't think its nice. I feel that just sending the RSVP amounts to this as I WILL tell mutual friends (who ask) why we aren't going because I don't want them to think we are just being nasty.

She honestly sounds like a right charmer. Well done kittens, think you have handled the situation with dignity. She, however had not and I echo the sentiments from the ladies above. She is a crass shallow cow for using your depression as an excuse not to invite you.

Purchase yourself a lovely barolo, sup with hubby and forget about her!

Both good points Kittens. In that case I think the email says it all very well and you should send it.

I just can't believe it, the bride has a 3 tier wedding A guests-invited to the whole thing, B-Ceremony and Evening reception, and C guests-invited to just the ceremony and mince pie jobby. Op relegated to the C list guest list, despite being a life long friend of the op, and helping her choose the venue . Keep maintaining dignity and tell her that you are hurt that you were not good enough to come to the reception, using the lame excuse of my mental health to cover up your obvious snubbing of me, so will not be attending, and that as a result you do not see a future for this friendship.

Kittens - I read this whole thread just now and I am beyond shocked at your friend. I cannot believe how callous she is to ask you to come and look at wedding venues with you and then not actually invite you That is dreadfully rude behaviour and very unkind.

I think you have behaved with complete dignity and also been VERY brave so you may have depression but you've done something (by ringing her) that I don't have the balls to do so give yourself kudos for that!

I don't think you shouldn't send the email to your 'friend' either. It's fabulously written but I think your formal rsvp will speak volumes. The email to the group of friends is brilliant.

And I wouldn't get her a present. Actually I'd be tempted to send her a bill for your expenses incurred on the venue scouting trip so you can consider that your gift to her

If your wording is the same as your friends email then your friend didn't say she was sorry she was insensitive. She said she was sorry if she seemed insensitive to you. That says to me she wasn't sorry for what she did at all, that is what she wanted to do so she is sticking by it.

How nice of her to say you can go to the evening do if anyone else drops out! Do you feel wanted? She is just offering you a sympathy fuck if you'll excuse the expression.

Glad you made the decision to not go and sent an email telling her you were upset about her perspective of your friendship compared to yours.

She is so awful, you really are better off knowing her true colours though.

Your email is perfect and very gracious whilst getting the point across that you´ve been extremely hurt by this.

I would absolutely let your friends know, as otherwise they´ll assume/be told that you´re not attending as you´re going on holiday. I´m sure there are other people in your circle that would like to know what an utter bitch she is!

You´ve been very strong and handled this better than a lot of people who are feeling strong. Have a lovely holiday :)

kittens there is nothing wrong with saying that you will not be going to her wedding as you are going on holiday, and stepping back from the friendship and letting it go.

Sorry, x-posted. Good points and yes, also agree with Sharrie's deletion

i think your reply to the bride is excellent! you should definitely send it.
it's calm, measured and to the point.
well written

I like your response Kittens. You can be hurt and keep your quiet refined dignity.

Very gracious email Kittens.

I think 3 words would be enough...

GET TO FUCK.

So sorry you are going though this, FWIW you sound like the much nicer and kinder person... Hopefully she will have a shit wedding and an even shitter divorce.

Good idea kittens send the e mail to the bride, and your responses to the hotel room and gift organiser.

Gosh what a turd of a woman.

Geordie, I think we should wish her a really evil MiL as well. And a post-natal ward trialling the "Dads staying overnight" scheme as well.

NO present, Kittens. Spend the money on yourself or something nice for your kids.

I'm still with Blu's email and karma's to the group.

I went through a similar thing a few years ago. I'm a widowed single mum. My dh neice got married a few years ago. She was bridesmaid at our wedding and my sons godmother as well as cousin.

Relations can be tense between me and my BIL AND SIL. Basically they have done nothing for me or my son since the day my hubby died. Not saying they should, but an occasional pick up from school, or a pick up of the phone to see how we both are would have been nice.

MIL and SIL had a conversation between them, that it would be better to not invite me to daytime as it was where me and dh had got marriedd. My Son and I as a result where invited to the evening do. Not the service or the afternoon reception. Just the evening. To be honest I was more upset for my son that yet again he had been excluded from another family gatherting.

But I find it extremely difficult to talk to them, so accepted the invite with good grace, Bought my son and myself super outfits so we didnt look like the poor relations

The day before weddin, friends where going camping with there dc's I knew my ds wanted to go I didnt ask them if he could tag along. He went camping instead. I explained to in laws he wouldnt be attending, due to a fun weekend camping. But I would call in to hello. So I didnt swan in with my ds dressed to the 9's. Had 1 drink and swan back out for a top night on the town with the girls

Kitten, you have handled this far better than I ever could. You where extremely brave speaking to her and tackling her head on. All credit to you

Brilliant email

Oh and forgot to add, I did give them lovely presents. A bottle of cheap red plonk given to me for a birthday. And the most expensive tacky silver weddingy thing that you buy at the cheap card shops.

Agree no present.

If she wants to slate you for it let her... Who gives a rats arse what she thinks.