to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

I think there is a mince pies thing right after the service (to which the bride has been invited) and the evening part is the 'real' reception. So, she is trying to find her space in the 'real' do. This doesn't excuse anything of course.

I doubt you are ever going to feel the same about this person. I also doubt you would enjoy the wedding now anyway. I would agree, just tell her exactly how she has made you feel, and jet off somewhere hot with DP

Have just read all this. kittens, you sound like a lovely person. Your friend, not so much.
In fact, I would be tempted to tell her to fuck off to the far said of fuck and when she gets there to fuck off some more

The fact that she has put you on a waiting list for a crappy evening do merely adds insult to injury, IMO.

Look, it's over. Send her Blu's email. Send the round robin coordinator karmabeliever's email. Change your flights and enjoy your holiday!

Jeez. So what she's really saying is "you haven't been much fun at parties recently, so I dropped you off the list, even though you're a close friend (close enough to go venue shopping with me) and even though I know it's because you've been suffering from depression".

lesley33 my answer to your hypothetical AIBU would be "Well, you should first ask your friend whether she would like to come to the reception, or whether she wouldn't enjoy it. If she says she doesn't want to come, then by all means invite the boss. If she says she does...invite her". That's the way a real friend would approach the issue, surely.

You could always CC the "big boss" into the round robin email!

towndon even better would be to BCC it so that she doesn't realise that he knows and puts her foot in it. I am usually perfectly polite but I am just outraged the way OP has been treated and spoken to. I think she sounds lovely (the OP I mean).

"AIBU? I'm getting married next year, and really struggling with the numbers. One of my oldest and loveliest friends is really shy, and will HATE the reception; she's uncomfortable in big groups of people and just won't enjoy it. Also, it would really mean a lot to my husband to be if we could invite his boss to the meal and evening do - he's been a real mentor and support to my lovely H2B as he's settled into his career.

Would it be awful to invite my friend to the day, which she'll enjoy, and then the boss to the meal and evening part, which friend won't enjoy?"

And where exactly lies the kind thoughtfulness in telling the OP that she has been dropped in favour of the boss?

I didn't come up with the hypothetical AIBU. I copied a post another person posted last night. And I seriously wondered whether the bride had read this thread and posted the hypothetical aibu to defend herself. Although everyone agreed, as I do, that even with the hypothetical situation, the bride was stil BU.

Wow being put on a reserve list in case any of the real guests drop out, is crass and horrible and I bet makes the op feel a whole lot better, and a half hearted apology. Go on that holiday, much better option.

sorry lesley, taking your name in vain '

What has happened here, really....is that OP has sadly discovered that the friendship she has long held dear, is not reciprocated with quite the same strength of feeling. And that hurts. It hurts bad. I've been there, and I know how it bloody hurts.
It's pretty much on a par with being dumped. Horrible. You feel humiliated and small, and just like having your heart broken, it shatters your self esteem.

Not forever though. In the end, it makes you tougher, more discerning, and far less willing to compromise yourself. It's a hard lesson, but often a good one to learn.

The saying that goes "Never make someone a priority, if they'll only ever make you an option" was never more fitting than with this one.
It's my mantra.

Good luck OP....don't accept being on the reserves list. Tell the bride you were mistaken about how close your friendship was, but that you're over it now, and the holiday comes first. Then wish her a wonderful wedding day and walk away with your head held high.

pictish, I would agree but for the mutual friends from school and university. The bride can spin whatever story she likes to them and, as bride, will probably get some undeserved sympathy to the detriment of OP. By all means dump the non-friend but tread warily about how it's done. It would be tragic if this event damaged OP's relations with others as well.

Oh it needn't damage those friendships a jot! I'm only suggesting the OP withdraw her loyalty and affection from the bride in her head and heart. I expect the OP will remain civil and pleasant and genial while in the larger company, with the bride included, but will no longer seek the bride out individually as her confidante and companion. If you see what I mean?

Blimey Kittens - well done for being so dignified. Ignore this person - she's not a great friend and not worth getting upset over - and enjoy planning your holiday away with your DH.

I suppose I'm saying that the bride's stance on the friendship is now clear, so the OP should seek to demote her in her affections to run level with that of the bride.

Hi folk

Sorry I haven't been around much today - it is difficult to MN in office.

This is the plan of action, to be presented to DH (over kitten drinking and wine stroking) tonight. Let me know what you think!

Formal RSVP: Mr and Mrs Kittens regret that they are unable to attend the wedding. Nothing more. With a cheap present - a napkin ring or a john lewis voucher. (This is my better side speaking. Or my more pragmatic. They bought us a lovely and expensive wedding gift (not on list) several years ago when they were too young and too poor to really afford it. I don't want "and they didn't even get us a gift" to be part of the Official Narrative)

Email response to group: Hi Guys, we won't be attending the wedding, so no need to worry about us for the block booking and we'll get a seperate gift. Enjoy and let's catch up in the New Year! If anyone ASKS why we aren't attending (and one person will as they know we changed our flights) I will tell them factually. But I won't volunteer. Factual response will be we weren't invited to reception proper, long way to go just before Christmas and expensive just for a couple of hours, especially with going on holiday a couple of days later.

Email response back to "bridezilla" friend:

Dear Friend

Thank you for apologising for breaching my trust about my depression. Apology accepted.

We have responded formally to your wedding invitation, so you will know this shortly anyway, but I wanted to explain why we won't be attending. It is your wedding - your day, your money and your guest list - and I respect your right to invite whom you wish. However this doesn't stop me being hurt that you don't consider me to be as important a part of your life as you are to me or as I thought I was to you. In particular, it doesn't stop me being hurt that you see me as less important than all of our mutual friends or your fiance's boss. I would rather not share my hurt with you on your happy day, and I would rather add to the sum of my own happiness by going on my holiday, which we delayed for your wedding, a few days earlier.

I'm not asking you to apologise for this. You like whom you like and while it is sad for me it's fine. However, I did find the manner in which you made this evident rude, careless and dismissive and this made it doubly hurtful.

I'm sure we'll see each other around. In the meantime, I wish you the best for the day itself.

Kittens

Pictish, we're on the same page. My worry is that if OP now does not go to the wedding (as I think you're suggesting) the bride has an opportunity to say to mutual friends that she flounced off after disliking the original invite and refusing the new one. She can say that OP made her wedding planning miserable etc to elicit sympathy when she (bride) really deserves a kicking.

Very good Kittens.

Bravo, Kittens.

Very nice Kittens, would love to know what she responds with

Hmmm. I'd be tempted to say that the email is overkill. From what you've said about her your "friend" seems like a social climber who thinks a whole lot of herself. In her own mind she's probably put you down as "hard work" in order to justify her excluding you. The email might only add fuel to the fire. I can just see her turning to her fiance saying "Oh god look at the email I got from Kittens, see why I didn't invite her?"

I think it would hit her harder if you just declined the invitation and quietly cut her out of your life. If you see her, ignore her. Don't send her a present not even a tiny one. Perhaps send a card with just your name and DH's name in it. It will only gratify her to think that you are upset about not going, it'll play up to her high opinion of herself. If you have little or no reaction it's likely to play more on her mind. She'll be left wondering what's going on with you which has much more impact than actually telling her what she's done to you.
Do you agree?

maybe yeah