to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

Totally agree she's trying to save face but nowhere near making proper amends.

if she had apologised wholeheartedly and said 'I am so sorry, I don't know what i was htinking, OF COURSE you must come to the whole thing, my wedding wouldn't be the same without you - come!, please, please, forgive my terrible behaviour which must have upset you no end' then, maybe you could consider it.

But she has not.

Normally, I am a MN-er who advocates stepping back, shrugging your shoulders and remaining silent and still on the moral high ground. But this is important - a longstanding close friendship is a relationship and she has behaved in a truly dreadful way. It isn't a moment for pretending, or playing status games, or beng frosty or formal - and that is why i suggest that, before she sends any more patronising and hurtful messages you tell her the home truths in a message such as I suggest below.

And then step back and grieve for your friendship with this woman who has become consumed by Bridezilladom to the point that she has lost persepctive on how people feel about her actions.

And remind yourself that this is about her bad behaviour and nothing about you - you really do sound lovely.

Agree with an honest and direct approach. I don't see much point in the aloof, passive aggressive stuff myself. Might as well give the person the correct info to think about.

But personally, I wouldn't attack her or tell her to fuck off, because that will just make her defensive and less likely to actually contemplate the cruelty of what she has done.

And because things do often feel better when looked down on from the moral high ground!

No, I would not, either, Blu. But I would want to :o.

I concur with Hully - fuck off is the only response.

Her 'apology' and 'amends' are not good enough. It's not 'Sorry if I seemed insensitive', it's 'Sorry, I behaved like a cow, can you forgive me?' And you're now on the standby list? She can fuck off. After you've explained the above in a calm and rational manner so you can't be accused of being passive-aggressive, of course.

We should make a collective national decision not to do weddings, I think. Look how much pain they can cause.

OTOH you do get to see people's true colours

so what she is really saying is that she wants to be friends on her terms only,you dont need friends like that.shes done you a favour you now know shes not a genuine friend.

i would just respond and .say after giving it alot of thought you have decided to go back to your original plans of extra days holiday as it seems silly to miss out when your not invited to the whole of the wedding.having helped you find the venue im sure you will have a wonderful day.good luck for the future.

you havent been rude but she will know exactly what you mean,then just forget her.

Well, if she sent you an invitation now to the full day, every bit of it, would you still want to go? Because if the answer is no, get on with your original holiday plans, and decline any further invitations from her. Let the other friends know what has been going on to do with not being invited and the brides clumsy and insulting efforts to make amends, say you're sorry you won't see them as you will now be away.

It wouldn't be unreasonable of you to do this. I wouldn't change my holiday for a wedding, and certainly not for just a ceremony and a quick drink afterwards. Do what is best for you and DH.

She's an idiot but your idiot. You can work out if you can forgive her on not.

Her original invite was simply awful but weddings can bring out the very, very worst in people.

She has attempted to make a smidgeon of amends, which many wouldn't.

EVENING INVITE, not RECEPTION. Kittens "friend" has placed Kitten on a waiting list for an evening invite. The email does not mention reception.

She is a nasty one.

dear god. i am what a bitch. i can't believe she used your depression as an excuse for not being invited. thats the same as not inviting a disabled person because it would look bad in photos that they were lower than everyone else.

may her wedding shoes hurt, may the soup cause the shits and a dog cock its leg on her dress!!

She sounds a very poor excuse of a friend. Just one thing though - and apologies if I missed it earlier - did the person who sent the Round Robin actually say they were all invited to the whole do, or could it be that the whole group have only been invited to part, but are trying to make an occasion of it, if it is far away and everyone needs to travel?

I can't help wondering if the bride in question has read this thread? Note the post posted last night.

"OK, another way of looking at it:

"AIBU? I'm getting married next year, and really struggling with the numbers. One of my oldest and loveliest friends is really shy, and will HATE the reception; she's uncomfortable in big groups of people and just won't enjoy it. Also, it would really mean a lot to my husband to be if we could invite his boss to the meal and evening do - he's been a real mentor and support to my lovely H2B as he's settled into his career.

Would it be awful to invite my friend to the day, which she'll enjoy, and then the boss to the meal and evening part, which friend won't enjoy?"

Ok, I've made up some context, but are you still sure that the bride's a cowbag?
bride-to-be here, agonising over everything I do"

Everyone said it was still unreasonable. Could it be the bride who has realised from reading this thread that everone thinks she is BU?

I don't think even the term 'bridezilla' can explain the callous disregard for friendship the bride-to-be has shown.

I wonder if this was her plan all along? Send you the limited invite, wait until the "no thanks" replies came in (probably from the big boss for one, who I'm sure will have a convenient previous engagement to pull out of the bag) and then dazzle you with her beneficence as she tosses you an upgrade...

I'd maybe have considered it if she hadn't pulled the whole "for your own good" stunt in the first phone call. Low blow.

Insensitive and bitchy bridezilla. Kudos to how you have reacted so far - you are a true friend. She is not.

aaaand she turned it round that you caught her at a bad moment - so its allll your fault

she can fuck off

sorry

Blu You sound so much like my DP. This measured approach has seen us through all of the various ups and downs with relationships over the years - it really works.

I wish there were more people like you and maybe we wouldn't need an AIBU.

Oh come on
'you caught me at a bad time' isn't blaming the caller!

She's put you on the reserve list for the evening do?? That's beyond appalling. I agree with Blu, I'd send an e-mail along the lines of "Sorry, but I won't be attending your wedding. I've found your behaviour hurtful and, to be honest, I'm not sure I can get past this. Wishing you well for your future married life" and then block/delete her on e-mail, fb etc etc

lesley33 - appreciate what you are saying but surely you would always invite a true friend of many years standing over a boss or you would find someway to increase numbers to accommodate everyone. In the grand scheme of things an extra two people is not going to blow the budget.

Or you invite everyone knowing that there will be a certain percentage of invitees unable to attend.