to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

This lady is NO friend of yours.Decline,go on holiday and concentrate on your
real friends.

Kittens, I think you were very brave to make that phone call. You handled it perfectly.

I think that you do need to explain to your friends that you weren't invited and let them know what the bride said to you. If you don't, then they will think you are mean for not contributing to the present and the bride strikes me as the sort of person who will put a spin on this and imply that you didn't want to attend.

For the sake of your mutual friendships and reputation amongst those friends, I think it is important that you set the record straight.

I wouldn't send a card and would now completely cut this couple out of my life. This is really painful - I too no longer see the best friend who at one point I loved like a sister, but I truly believe that it is better you know the truth about this person, before you waste any more time and energy on her.

Best wishes for the future x

Isn't it the job of bridesmaids to do stuff like help with venues, generally assisting the bride? She's asking you to do some bridesmaid duties - but not to be a bridesmaid of course. She really is horrible, taking you for granted horribly.

Politely decline the invitation. As one poster said, tell one of your mutual friends that you have not been invited to the reception, so will not be donating to a gift, and do not need a room.

Do not contact her again.

I'm really sorry you have been treated so badly, Kitten - a very discouraging experience, and sje sjhould be ashamed of herself.

Personally I don't think you should send a formal, passive aggressive reply to the invite. I think you should writer her a very personal note saying "It is a mark of how important i thought our friendship was that Iam now so hurt that you have not included us in the proper invitation. I even helped you choose the venue, fgs, and you know we changed our flights to make sure we were here. Your 'invitation lite' feels like the slap in the face that it is. I will never wish you anythining other than happiness, but for your wedding, you will hopefully understand that we will now be prioritising our holiday, and unable to attend.

You are the only person i trusted to talk to about my depression, and you used it aganst me. For what it's worth, I am completely capable of behaving in a civiised manner at a wedding!

I'm sorry and shocked that it turned out like this.

Kitten."

I don't see why you shouldn't respond in an open, direct and honest way - why shouldn't she know how you actually feel? Don't let her think 'oh, kitten is now in a huff', tell her truly how you feel. You have that right.

What neither bride to be nor her soon to be dh will realize is that the boss is most likely to look at the wedding invitation as the groom grovelling. They will most likely not be impressed. Most likely they will respect him less for it.

Your friend is a silly wannabe. Be glad you found out and can now concentrate on real friends.

If you have a lot of mutual friends, you may need to see her again as part of a larger group. Make sure you don't miss out on opportunities with the rest of your friends if they think they have to chose between you.
Would it be possible to be not-so-friends with her in the future? That is, part of a larger group, but without any real trust or intimacy of a true friendship.

Excellent post Blu.

Oh, and Blus email suggestion is VERY good.

That's a good point, karma. Simply decline the invite, send back the decline, no note. For the round robin coordinator, contact the person by phone and relate what happened, asking him/her to take you off the list.

Do not be bullied into buying or contributing to a gift for this cow. She doesn't deserve a penny spent on her.

Fact is....anyone who would rather have their husband-to-be brown nose his new boss, and place him as being higher priority at their wedding, than find room for an old friend who is part of their social circle, and who then uses their old friend's depression as a reason to justify their shallow and uncaring decision, isn't worth shit.

I'm really sorry about this Kittens....you certainly don't deserve to be treated this way. Fuck her...fuck her to hell and back. She's a total prick.

Enjoy your holiday xxx

Blu has it in the bag. I would progess with total honesty too. Don't spare her the truth. Just tell her how it made you feel, and leave it there.

My tuppence worth.

The nature of the invitation (a booklet with a prayer in it), the twee crap about enjoying a wedding in a lovely town and the importance of the DH's senior partner suggest to me pretentiousness, vulgarity and social-climbing (bride's mother's influence?). This wedding is going to be a "show", not a celebration.

The fact that your friend was so specific about the need to find a place for the senior partner suggests to me that you were in the initial invitation list. They then remembered the boss and looked for someone to drop. They chose you because they could justify it to themselves ("She's shy and will probably be grateful not to be obliged to come to such a scary occasion"). Crass and insensitive.

None of this will make you feel better.

To only include invites to just the ceremony and no reception, you may as well notbother inviting those people. I presume the op originalinvite was for someone who lived a distance away and would therefore have to spend a lot of money and time travelling, only just to beinvited to a ceremony and a mince pie afterwards. How shockingly rude, how she treats her friends. She is telling them she wants to give them an experience, what decking experience is she giving this person, nada. At this rate she is going to end upwith no friends.

Talk about kick you when your down! After you confided in her about your depression she then uses it as an excuse not to invite you somewhere that mattered to you and should have to her too. It probably would have been something for you to look forward to, not dread. You don't need people like that in your life, especially when your going through a hard time. Your not a crap person at all, you just trusted a crap person.
I would just rsvp and say your not going and leave it at that. I wouldn't even send a card of congratulations tbh. Perhaps when the wedding is over and she comes crawling back you can make it clear how it made you feel and then cut her off.

This is absolutely horrendous behaviour. I second (third?) blu's suggestion, and also think you should let the round robin's know in case they think it is you that's doing the snubbing.

OP: I think Blu is right, you should feel able to be open with your friend about your feelings. Tell her the truth about why you aren't coming, wish her well, and let karma do the rest.

Don't send a ranty response out to the round robins. I would nominate one friend and tell them (verbally) what happened and why you won't be attending.

Wow, just read through this and I am stunned at your 'friend' op... although wedding invites can be a PITA, big groups of friends should always be treated the same (regardless of who's shy and who's not!!?!) and there is always a way to squeeze in an extra 2 people (her big boss) without upsetting anyone else.

Celebrate. You will not be spending the rest of your life loving a false friend. After the hurt goes away, you will realise (always with a little sadness) that they weren't the person you thought they were but that you had a lucky escape!

I just can't imagine what on earth possessed her to tell you you're just too shy and depressed to 'qualify' for an invite? THAT for me, that's the deal breaker. I had plenty of shy people at my wedding, and we still had a ball, and it was actually my more 'sociable' friend who nearly broke the day!! I hope you have plenty of other people round you who will hold you close while you get over this, because I think it would take most of us a little while to get over... you've been wounded.

x

I agree with the others you should tell the round robin people, apart from anything else they are your friends and they might think you're being difficult if you don't explain that you aren't going and won't need a room - only fair on them if they are trying to coordinate. But, stick just to facts. You might find you're not the only one who's just got a 'ceremony only' invite.

I have heard all sorts of tales of bridezilla unreasonableness, especially on internet forums. But this one really does top them all.

As so many others have said, you have been so dignified about this, and were so brave to make that phone call. She on the other hand is a social climbing cow who is willing to use your depression against you in the most horrid way.

I agree with the poster who said that you need to make your mutual friends aware of the truth of what has happened - maybe not via the round robin email, maybe just by chatting to a couple of them as word will get around - but don't allow the manipulative bitch bride to put her own spin on it and suggest to them that you didn't want to come etc.

BTW - what would have been your hotel/dress/gift/drinks budget for this wedding? Get yourself over on Style and Beauty and the ladies there will put together a fabulous holiday wardrobe with it!

A word to the wise OP: be careful of who you confide in about your depression because some people will not use that information in a positive way, and your frenemy friend is a case in point. It sounds to me as though she wants to phase the friendship out and this is where it starts. The whole 'boss' story is smoke and mirrors: if she wanted you there, you'd have got an invite to the full thing.

I agree with the poster above who suggested telling your other friends what happened. Absolutely. You don't want to be the one who ends up looking bad. Show her up for what she is!

But re the invite, I think you should just send back an RSVP no and nothing else. By writing any letters or telling her how you feel in any way, you've lost power. The onus is on HER to contact YOU and explains her arsey behaviour. Then you can let rip! Otherwise, just don't bother contacting her. That's my 2c anyway.... Hope you manage to book a nice alternative holiday :)

On second thought:

The alternative is for your DH to ring the groom and explain and also to let him contact the round robin organiser.

To the round robin organiser he could say:"Kitten and I wanted to let you know we won't be coming, here's why [distilled version.] If you could take her off the emails that would be great."

I would not give the bride (or the groom for that matter) another opportunity to make observations on my emotional wellbeing in your shoes, and these will be emotionally charged situations. Letting your DH speak to the round robin person (if he is very reliably level headed and diplomatic in these situations) also give you some space to cool down before you see your mutual friends again.

I have just come to this thread and I am horrified at the way this so-called friend has treated you. That phone call would have been difficult for most people, but as you have depression it must have been so much worse. I have been there and my heart goes out to you. well done. But remember (and I say this from experience) having such a horrible thing happen to you and the loss of a friend will take some time to recover from. It would take time for most people, but if you have depression watch out for it coming to haunt you the next time you feel really low and the time after that. Actually copy and paste some of the great comments on this thread onto a document to keep that made you smile, for checking at a later date. And most of all talk to friends. :)

This is really out of order.

I would reply to the email, saying you and DH will not be attending the wedding. No reason specified, but I would ask to be taken off the gift/hotel booking. Send a very terse note to the bride along the lines of

Mr and Mrs - thank you for their invitation to your wedding on dd/mm/yy, but will be unable to attend.

Just so that you show you have manners, even if she doesn't.

I would also ask those on the circulation list to check with the bride directly whether their invitation was correct, as it has come to light that mistakes have been made about which guests were invited to which parts of the day, and it could cause embarrassment if they find they are not actually invited to the reception.

Hopefully, the bride will get a lot of calls and emails 'checking' their invitation, which will piss her off, and may well lead to questions being asked about why they should have to check.

If after all this any of the friends ask directly what that was all about, just reply that you had a weird and unclear note in your invitation, when the bride explained it was a mistake, and you were clear about it, you decided not to attend and go on holiday instead. It is entirely your right to do this, you get an invitation and you decide whether or not you wish to attend. I know there will be talk among the friends, but I bet you won't be the only ones choosing not to attend. The truth will come out eventually.

This woman is a user, people are there for her assistance, her entertainment, her advancement. Think about what you'll gain rather than lose from not having her in your life.

This is awful poor you OP!

I would go to the bit you've been invited to and find the senior partner and tell him the woeful story