to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

Wow, just wow!

I've heard of some stunts pulled at weddings. My brother was a huge groomzilla who was, and is is still being 6 months after the wedding, an absolute idiot about it.

But I have heard nothing as cruel, self centred, self absorbed, spiteful, selfish, ignorant, childish and spoilt as this in my entire life.

I would reply to the round robin email as others have suggested. And just say that you haven't been invited (not that you're not going - because that might be your choice) and can they remove you from their plans.

And then I would have nothing to do with her ever again. She is not a friend.

not able to cut and paste on my computer at the moment but op highlighted the summery of the conversation

sorry we could not invite you to the reception we needed to invite the big boss instead, so we cut you out as you are shy and depressed

That does not sound like a caring and concerned friend tbh, but someone is quite prepared to ruin a friendship for her selfishness and walk right all over you. Yes just tell the present organiser not to include you as you are not invited.

op that is a sad story.

she is ignorant.
her proposed dh is a fool and i wonder how long he will keep his job for anyway, that is boss seems to be so important to them.

i hope you can move on and realise she is the one with the bad attitude
i hope you can rebook your tickets and enjoy your holiday

I have never encountered someone like this in my life,do they exist. I am reeling from the shock

How are you this morning Kittens? I hope you get time to read through all the responses here and we can give you a bit of a boost. You've handled this wonderfully and ought to be really proud of yourself. Have another [hug]

Hope you're feeling better this morning OP. You have handled this situation with dignity, you should be proud of yourself.

It seems to me that the bride left it late to send invites to a December wedding. It's a busy time of year for people and I'm secretly hoping the boss will already have plans.

Blimey. Sounds like a horrible person. Weddings often bring out the worst in some people. I have experience of being treated horribly when I was maid of honour to now ex bestfriend. Some people just lose all sense of perspective.

I would sack the whole thing and go off and enjoy your holls.

It's completely unfair to assume that just because someone suffers from depression and/or social anxiety, they will not want to be invited to social events at all, even the wedding of a good friend. Just wrong.

What a bitch. I'm assuming you won't be going.

I really feel for you. :(

I am so sorry you went to the trouble of changing your plans for someone so unworthy. I would be hurt and embarrassed same as you but you are right to be focussing on the positives and your lovely holiday. Hopefully you'll be having a great time lying on a beach whilst she's stressing about keeping up appearances instead of having a laugh with old friends.

Unfortunately sometimes people you hold in high esteem turn out to be something completely different than what you thought they were and, although disappointing, you just have to thank your stars that you noticed and write them off. Just concentrate on friends that appreciate you and if any of them ask why you're not going then tell them honestly. You don't have to cover for her and as long as you're not bitter about it when telling them you still have your dignity and the moral high ground. Maybe one of them will make her see how hurtful she's been.

I do hope you don't dwell on this for too long. Enjoy your time away x

You're a lifelong friend coming from another country and ?? I was sure it was a mistake when I read the first page. :(

Are the other mutual friends going definitely not closer than you, or do they form some sort of clearcut group? (I am trying to be very generous to her here).

If the answer is no I would just write a very short note back saying that you won't be able to make the wedding (don't give a reason) then book something really lovely to do that day so it doesn't eat away at you. I wouldn't make a sarky comment or anything as at it feels better to keep the moral high ground iyswim. And if she is dumping a life long friend to make room for someone who might advance her dh's career she definitely does not possess the moral hight ground.

Oh hang on you're not coming from another country - but still, all the rest applies. Just make sure you have a lovely day doing something else.

Morning OP! here you go have a

Hope you are feeling better this morning. I also hope you are reading all of the wonderful messages on this thread and taking strength that you are the better person.

On a cautionary note though i echo the poster who said to beware the phonecall where you are asked to fill in for someone who cant attend. Stay strong!

oh and enjoy your lovely warm holiday!

This is a horrible word and not one I ever use - but what a bitch. No other word is appropriate. I was prepared to think that perhaps she didn't actually know you had depression - but to be one of the few people you'd told, and then throw your alleged social awkwardness back at you - what a BITCH.

Definitely tell the others in the round robin you've only been invited to the ceremony so aren't going (they can draw their own conclusions about the BITCH), very simple decline of the wedding invitation, and then no need to have anything to do with her again. If you see her in mutual group things then distant politeness, but no you're not available for drinks/dinner with her, and if she invites you (even if it's couched in a "oh we're so pleased to be able to invite you, I felt terrible about the way it worked out before" way) then no thank you, you're having a lovely holiday.

I hope one day she's thoroughly ashamed of herself.

My longest friendship ended somewhat similarly over a wedding invite. In our case it just didn't turn up. My friend always was difficult but we could only surmise that she got pissed off that I couldn't go to her hen night but when she got there and discovered that I was the only person to have sent old photos and had sent money for the kitty she backtracked by email a week before the wedding pretending she didn't know we weren't coming. She hadn't got an RSVP from us and I know that friends of ours had told her we hadn't got an invite weeks before. We didn't go. I sent a present and haven't spoken to her since.
I was soooo upset. She always was a difficult person but I had perservered for 20 years. It actually took a few months to get over feeling so hurt - I now feel free from the toxicity of that friendship and just regret the years I put into it.
Your friend is a spectacular bitch - make sure your friends know the truth because she will no doubt blame you. You really don't need this person in your life. Have a lovely holiday.

With friends like that who needs enemies!

Stick with the moral high ground, and enjoy your holiday.

She is an arsehole and you're better off without.

Treat yourself to something nice today - what you would have spent on the wedding present. X

Don't regret the friendship you had in the past. At the time you were friends.
But now she's changed and it's time to move on. She's not worthy of you.
Stay positive.

Hi Heart

Just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. You've found out what your "friend" is realy like.

If it were me I'd take the advice upthread and send both the letter and the round robin e-mail other posters have composed.

I hope you and your husband have a wonderful holiday and that it rains heavily on your former friend's day

Wow, just come to this thread and what a Class-A bitch! Has she always been a social climber, OP, or has this started since she met her husband to be?

I predict he will rapidly ascend the corporate ladder, ably assisted in the necessary brown-nosing by his trophy wife, then run off with his 23 year old secretary, by which time OP's former friend will realise she doesn't have any true friends left and will bitterly regret passing you over in favour of a bit of networking.

You've handled this brilliantly and with dignity. Please don't throw the moral highground away- I reckon you should reply to the round robin with a factual statement of your non-attendance, but with sufficient underlying bitterness that some of your mutual friends will probe, so you can tell them about the shyness and the boss and his wife.

You should be proud of the way you handled yourself.

I agree though you need to reply to the round robin you don't want to lose the moral high ground you have. It would be unfair to leave them wondering why you haven't replied and perhaps thinking they have offended you. Keep it simple, just something like: Thanks for thinking of us but DH and I won't need a room as we have not been invited to the reception. I would be tempted to add. Really looking forward to seeing the photos, the venue looked lovely when I helped [bride] check it out.

Good morning to you, when you read this.

Kitten, I recognise it must have been a very awkward conversation. But from a neutral by-stander's pov, your friend is the one who should be embarrassed, and I'd rather be you than her.

Take a step back. You got a strangely worded invitation, and you queried it. And you were right! It wasn't meant for you.

Now, what's her timeline like?

1. She invited you along to aid her in the planning of wedding
2. Cut you out, due to "numbers issues"
3. Mixed up wedding invitations after telling her mother to act as a secretary
4. Received phone-call from confused friend, wondering why she was being granted an "experience" of a town she used to live in!
5. Had to suddenly explain herself on the spot after being caught out in her little web. Not a conversation she would have wanted to have.

You're not the one who should be embarrassed here, I assure you!

That has left me

I would be disappointed at the girls behaviour.
She sounds completely self absorbed. She sounds like a lot of things I have thought in my head but I couldn't possibly repeat.

I hope you have a lovely break. You do not need that type of person in your life.

And another thing! If you're close enough to have scouted the venue with her, I presume she knows you changed your holiday flights to accommodate her wedding? If she let you do that without bothering to tell you you weren't invited to the reception, then she's actually a Class A+ bitch. Fact.