to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

[moogster1a]

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

I hate the idea of DH being sent home, so much so that my birth plan states I will NOT go on to the ante natal ward unless there is a critical medical emergency that requires me to do so. In any other circumstances I will not go on to the ward and will be going straight home once the baby is born.

I can totally understand men not being allowed on wards and that other women would feel uncomfortable with other peoples DHs there so I dont expect to be able to inflict him on other people, but I will not go on to the ward because of this policy and will discharge myself if needs be.

'Does it really matter? If he's the Dad of a newborn he's probably got a pretty good idea of basic biology. You'd deny a Dad spending the night with his partner and his newborn baby to spare your blushes? '

Yes, yes it does matter. I don't really care if he knows about basic biology. When I'm in pain (I get dire afterbirth pains), can't feel my legs, am suffering from PND again until my meds are re-adjusted (I've had AND and PND every time and, each time after giving birth, despite taking ADs pre-natally, I suffer a bit of a crash and have to have med re-adjusted), have to share a toilet with 3-6 other women, my privacy and peace as a patient are more important than a non-patient's desires.

If you want your spouse or partner to spend the night with you you have a homebirth because it's my right not to have to spend the night next to a strange person who is not a patient or a healthcare professional.

Private rooms, yes, it would be fabulous!

But not on a ward where there are other women. Just no.
It's just wrong on so many levels. What about women who are from a culture where this would just be utterly unacceptable? Or abused and vulnerable women?

It feels almost abusive to suggest that women should be forced to spend a night when they are at their most vulnerable, in a room with strange men. The feminist in me is just recoiling at this.

I'll get flamed for saying this but here goes.

You're all presuming here that the men who stay are DH's / DP's (emphasis on the D not the marital status)

There are some people in this life who I would NOT want to share time with on a day to day basis. I can be civil,chatty & polite for the short time we have to interact with said folks in a public place like a ward during visiting. I would NOT want them sharing my sleeping space & seeing me in various states of undress albeit swaddled in a dressing gown, and feeling like shite.

Male staff are different, they are professionals and (mostly) very discreet.

Fair point Lesley but the thing is though, if your partner is the sort of bloke that would make comments like that, they're hardly likely to be the sort of man that you would rely on for support and they probably wouldn't be required to stay.

Why do people not just go home after giving birth?

I actually feel quite sick at the thought of having to share a room overnight with some men who may well be there.

You only have to have a quick shufty at the relationships board to see the sort of vile scum some women would be bringing in with them.

Gwendoline, so how would 'guests' be vetted to ensure they are the right sort to provide support? Who would do the vetting and, more importantly, who would have to tell a man that he wasn't the right sort and therefore had to leave when other men were staying.

Well I had DD by EMCS and was in a room on my own. It was bliss and I made the most of the peace and quiet.

But. From my own experience, my tolerance to annoyances is largely dependent on the context. So, on a post natal ward hearing babies crying and mum's groaning/shuffling would be entirely acceptable to me. Listening to some bloke chatting/moaning would irritate.

Once again, I'm surprise at the lack of humanity displayed to women by other women. I shall say it again, it's a post natal ward. My SIL had 2 hospital and one home birth. She was discharged from the hospital within a couple of hours of giving birth. I was in hospital for 2 weeks following both of my children's births.

You don't stay in hospital for a laugh or a rest, it's for a reason and should only be for patients overnight.

although I do think visiting hours should be longer/more flexible for dads. Ours was pretty good and husbands/partners were allowed to stay pretty late so long as they were not being a nuisance to the patients.

Abusive? FFS.

And the assumption that a home birth is available to everyone at the drop of a hat? Hahahahahahahaha. My mws would have a blue fit if I said I was having a home birth and so would I. You are so concerned about your privacy, you have the home birth.

eminencegrise I wanted a home birth but the midwifes here will not support them for a first baby :( I oculd have demanded one but felt unsupported on this from MWs and DH so the refusing to go on the ward is my compromise step.

Fair point Lesley but the thing is though, if your partner is the sort of bloke that would make comments like that, they're hardly likely to be the sort of man that you would rely on for support and they probably wouldn't be required to stay.

You just cannot make that assumption.

Think about abusive and controlling men, they would almost certainly insist on being there.

No you may not be able to rely on them for support, but doesn't mean they won't be there all the time. I can think of 1 father like this whose controlling DW would insist in this sitaution, he stayed on the ward the whole time so he wasn't unfaithful.

Unfortunately post natal wards wouldn't just be full of nice men.

piprabbit and I think this is the very reason it shouldn't be allowed. Full stop.

Maisie At my local hospital, the woman picks one 'designated partner' who can be there extended hours (normal visitor hours are only a couple hours a day, extended hours are I think 8AM until 10PM) and have the same rights.

My hospital only allows men on the ward at night if they are required for translation, whether mum is on the ward or in a private room or in the HDU. I think women who have additional physical and/or emotional needs should be allowed as well - this thread has shown how inadequate night care can be and I've personally found care a lot better when my DH is there than when he isn't (after he was made to leave when I was in HDU, the midwife took my baby and put her in a cot out of reach as I was 'a hippie that needed to be taught a lesson'. If the consultant hadn't come in to talk to me straight after this happened, I don't know how long she'd have been left to cry as I couldn't get her). It's actually my main reason for having a home birth and dreading if I am to need a hospital transfer again at a 'bad time'.

I don't see that support vs privacy is ever going to have a clear winner. What about someone exhausted and petrified about being on their own with the baby? Their needs aren't met with the current rules.

I suppose the happy medium would be partners could stay if there were separate rooms not wispy curtains between families.

In relation to an earlier thread its been two years since DS2 and I still can't get my curtains closed

And the assumption that a home birth is available to everyone at the drop of a hat? Hahahahahahahaha. My mws would have a blue fit if I said I was having a home birth and so would I. You are so concerned about your privacy, you have the home birth.

I did.

I do think it's almost abusive to expect women in a highly emotional and physically vulnerable state to share a room overnight with strange men who may be anyone or behave in a way that is not acceptable to the women staying there.

Well firstly, I'm sure the woman in question is quite capable of deciding whether her partner is the supportive type or not. Generally if you're married to a bit of an arse, who is going to be more hindrance than help, you know it.

Secondly, I doubt very much that there would be men clamouring to stay overnight. DH is the kindest, most gentle, caring sensitive soul I've been fortunate enough to come across. If he had been able to stay, he would have done for my sake. But I'm also sure he heaved a huge sigh of relief when he got back to his own bed after DD was born.

Scarlett because errmm...it's hard, and I wouldn't have wanted to be wheeled out of delivery and told to get my coat. Immediately post-natal, I needed a shower, food and sleep, and baby needed food & sleep as well.

'You are so concerned about your privacy, you have the home birth.'

I couldn't. I had high blood pressure. I had two traumatic instrumental births with epidural, despite the horrid experience postnatally, I would have raised holy hell if I were expected to share the ward 24/7 with partners/husbands/what have you who are not patients or healthcare professionals.

The hospital is not a hotel or a B&B, it's for treating patients. Fathers are not patients and are adults, not children.

There is no way in hell I'd have found it acceptable to have to bed-in with a bunch of strange men.

YANBU. After DD was born, I would have loved to have DH there but him not being there was more than made up for by the fact that the HCPs threw out the abusive bastard who was trying to take his newborn son and threatening to kill the mother in the middle of the ward; or the couple who spent the entire time she was in hospital eating Macdonalds and talking loudly on their mobiles.

Dads staying over is fine if they can stay in a private room, or there isn't the pressure on space to get people up to the ward quickly. It is not fair on the rest of the people in the ward to let the fathers of the children (who may well not stil be the partner of the mother) to stay overnight on a 10+ bed ward.

"Fair point Lesley but the thing is though, if your partner is the sort of bloke that would make comments like that, they're hardly likely to be the sort of man that you would rely on for support and they probably wouldn't be required to stay."

but you wouldn't get a say if it was someone else's partner who was gawping at you from across the ward as you tried to latch on a sleepy newborn? you wouldn't be able to dictate whether he was supportive enough to her to deserve a bed on the ward. it would be up to her and if she wanted him there then he stays. perhaps she thinks his humour is supportive?

Well firstly, I'm sure the woman in question is quite capable of deciding whether her partner is the supportive type or not. Generally if you're married to a bit of an arse, who is going to be more hindrance than help, you know it.

Yes, and no woman has ever had a baby with an abuser or a rapist or simply a nasty bit of controlling scum, have they?