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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 13:18

Another reason I had homebirths.

SoupDragon · 15/11/2011 13:18

"I am pretty sure he wouldn't be happy about other men sleeping in the room with me whilst I was trying to feed his new baby and recover from the birth."

Why? What would he think they were going to do to you?!

ImperialBlether · 15/11/2011 13:19

It depends on the man, doesn't it? Read the relationships thread and see whether you'd want any of those buggers hanging around when you're trying to feed your new baby.

I think that for hospitals to spend vital money on men staying overnight (except in absolutely extreme circumstances when the woman should have her own room anyway) is an horrific waste.

Flisspaps · 15/11/2011 13:19

I think that a woman's need for support post-natally (which is hugely inadequate in most PN wards) should override the desire for comfort and privacy.

Why not argue that if women want privacy they can pay for a private room and get MW support, and women on the wards can have their partner stay over but they provide the bulk of the support to those women?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 13:20

Imp men are allowed to visit during specific times, the rest of the time women can rest. if I wish to have privacy during visiting hours I can close the curtain for that short period . During the night I don't want to hear people talking, either.

StrandedBear · 15/11/2011 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StandingAlone · 15/11/2011 13:20

This thread has made me realize how lucky I was with both of my DD's.
Our local maternity hospital has mainly private rooms with en-suits and a few double rooms no actual post natal wards as such just post natal rooms.

When I had DD1 I was only in for one night and DH stayed with me. When I had DD2 I had a PE and was kept in for 6 night and had lots of tests etc before being sent home with blood thinning injections. DH could have stayed with me but we had DD1 to think about so he came home but could come and go as he pleased/we needed.

I feel very spoilt and naive as I did not realize that other hospitals had post natal wards, I thought all of the maternity hospitals were like my local one

I would be very embarrassed if I had to be around other women's DH's/DP's but I understand why they would want their partners with them.

DuelingFanio · 15/11/2011 13:21

the only thing that would bother me would be if they were snoring. Though I suppose you have that risk when you share a ward with lots of 'strange' women too?

Really, is it because they are men that you object?

TheSecondComing · 15/11/2011 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deliaskis · 15/11/2011 13:21

I do understand that a lot of woman would prefer not to have men there overnight, but really, why is it different whether it's day or night? If you're very newly post-natal, you're very newly post-natal, the difference between day and night is negligible at best at that point in anyone's night, and the mess/discomfort/lack of dignity/privacy/leaky boobs struggling to BF etc. is going to be the same whether it's 3am or 3pm.

Or am I missing something? (not saying that in a shitty way, I am prepared to be told I am!).

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 13:21

I would have given absolutely anything to have DH with me the first couple of nights. I had a private room and it still wasn't allowed. I was in such a state, if I could have got access to the roof I would have jumped off it that first and second night, they were the worst times of my life.

So, with that in mind, I find the statement that your desire for support should not, under any circumstances, override their right to privacy and comfort totally utterly wrong. If someone is in the state that I was in, my desire for comfort is low down on the list of priorities and I would be happy for another woman's DH to be there if she needed him.

Pulling curtains round is fine in my hospital and, as I doubt I'll get the private room this time, I shall be pulling mine round. Don't give a toss who is on the other side of them.

StrandedBear · 15/11/2011 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StandingAlone · 15/11/2011 13:22

Sorry a suspected PE.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 13:22

Soup dragon - this - It depends on the man, doesn't it? Read the relationships thread and see whether you'd want any of those buggers hanging around when you're trying to feed your new baby.

Would you want to feed, shuffle to the loo with the likes of some men? Do you think they are all going to be naice, open minded dads who think women breastfeeding are beautiful earth mothers?

I don't choose to spend time with certain types of menl so I'll be buggered if I'd want them staying overnight in my ward.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 13:23

I don't understand the point of post natal wards. I'm happy to be informed as I've never been on one. What are they for?

In my head you've either just had surgery, so of course you need someone there to care for an infant, and should be on a surgical ward, or you're ill, so of course you need someone there to care for an infant, and you should be on the appropriate ward for your illness. In the same way that any ill mother with a dependent baby would be? Or the baby's ill, in which case they are the patient and not you so you should be on a baby ward.

For me, it would not be an option for DH to spend a night away from us when we have a brand new baby unless one of us was really, really ill.

I can't imagine randomly bleeding all over the place in front of people on a ward either. Surely if you were bleeding uncontrollably you'd be getting assistance, and it would be the same occurance day or night - so it wouldn't matter if visiting hours were 24 hour or not?

Again, I've never seen a postnatal ward so I don't get the setup at all.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 13:24

I also find it hysterical that the need for peace and quiet at night is one of the reasons given. DD screamed non stop for 6 hours the first night of her life, there goes your peace and quiet. You're on a ward full of babies not in a library.

ShowOfHands · 15/11/2011 13:24

When I had dd and they plonked me on the ward, postoperative and traumatised, it was 2am and dh had to leave. I was utterly, utterly devastated and ended up with ptsd and pnd. I so desperately wanted dh to stay and help me. It was the longest and most frightening night of my life. I received bugger all help and didn't see a soul until 9am the following morning.

But then I had ds and what actually happened was that I received first class, excellent care from the midwives. They were recently trained in bfing counselling, they weren't short staffed and every single member of staff was kind and lovely. I didn't feel alone at all. Buzzers were answered, needs were met.

And so while I understand that in an ideal world people would like their partners there, it just isn't feasible. Because the hospital is for patients and what I would rather see is money, time and thought going into the care of those patients so that postnatal women don't end up in a position where they are desperate for help that should be offered by the professionals around them.

Rosa · 15/11/2011 13:24

I gave birth in Italy there were 2 beds in my room the second they kept free so Dh could stay the 1st night with me. I had bruising from the epidural and stitching so just moving was uncomfortable. I so appreciated him being there . WIth DD2 she arrived round 7pm - no food available so dh went off and found some. The nurses said he could stay if he wanted but we had dd1 then so he went home round midnight but was back at 7am the next day. Apart from when docs were doing the rounds partners were permitted to stay with wives and babies as much as they liked.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 15/11/2011 13:25

Because at some point I'd like to rest, not listen to next door's neanderthal talking to his pals on his mobile all night. At some point there has to be that designated rest time.

MarianneM · 15/11/2011 13:25

*I think that a woman's need for support post-natally (which is hugely inadequate in most PN wards) should override the desire for comfort and privacy.

Why not argue that if women want privacy they can pay for a private room and get MW support, and women on the wards can have their partner stay over but they provide the bulk of the support to those women?*

Hear, hear.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 13:26

SOH, what you describe with your DD is what I had. Middle of the night super speedy birth, traumatised, frightened, awake all night, DD wouldn't settle, MWs were nowhere to be seen. I have never ever felt so alone.

Deliaskis · 15/11/2011 13:26

Scarlett they're post-delivery wards, for recovery from childbirth, not necessarily surgery or illness?

Ephiny · 15/11/2011 13:26

I don't think it's really about the difference between day and night. More about restricting visitors to particular hours, so the rest of the time the patients can have some quiet and privacy.

I can see that there are exceptional circumstances when someone might need their partner (like GML describes), and I don't see the need to ban partners if the woman has a private room. But would not like to see it become the norm on shared wards.

piprabbit · 15/11/2011 13:26

At the moment there is a drive to get rid of mixed-sex wards in hospitals, based on patients need for dignity and privacy. Why should post-natal wards be any different?

Here.

lesley33 · 15/11/2011 13:27

I have mixed feelings on this one as I can see both sides. But certainly agree that there are some men that I would be horrified if they were on the ward all the time. Although they could visit during the day, at least the time they would spend on the ward would be restricted. I am talking about the kind of men who would make negative comments about women's breasts as they are breastfeeding.

And unfortunately through work (not colleagues!) I do come across men who feel free to do things like comment on women's saggy breasts as they breastfeed or say "joky" things like - I wouldn't mind some of that.

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