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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/11/2011 15:52

christ almighty, it would have been like throwing a pencil up the Mersey Tunnel in my case

and very, very messy

you see, VR I don't believe that woman

I believe she did it, but I don't believe her reasons why

not in a million years

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 16/11/2011 15:55

valium, did your friend have a section?

i know with both my vaginal deliveries, firstly i would have been in too much pain for anyone to even touch me there never mind be thrusting into me and secondly, i doubt i would have had any enjoyable sensation at all what with having stretched the thing round an 8.5 pound baby at lunchtime.

did your friend actually enjoy the sex? physically i mean? was it pleasurable?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 16/11/2011 15:58

i actually think i would have passed out with the pain of having a penis in my vagina shortly after delivering my children. that is not an exageration. i couldn't poo for 2 days because it was too sore, (although i did have stitches) so there is no way i could have coped with a willy.

Andrewofgg · 16/11/2011 15:58

VR The mind boggles - and that includes the male mind.

AF That simile will live with me :o

Ephiny · 16/11/2011 15:59

I doubt you'd feel much like it immediately after a section either!

And either way, wouldn't it be a bit messy? Shock

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 15:59

ohanotherone - well, you've got very bothered about me so I've left it. And when a different poster wrote 'I'm so glad LemonDifficult's husband was sent home!', it is clear this is a touchy subject and posters want somewhere to put their vitriol.

OK, so that post was misdirected at me and was presumably for someone else, but there's a kind of hett up spite in it. You and she and others want to direct some sort of anger either at me (or whoever's DH did get thrown out) for merely holding the opinion that the OP is BU an opinion I stand by, made on the basis of my 11 nights on a maternity ward.

I presume you don't really think asking me questions about my time in hospital would somehow show me my argument was 'flawed'.

NinkyNonker · 16/11/2011 16:03

My brain just can't comprehend even feeling remotely sexy that soon pp. Let alone how the physical side would work... Confused

I'd worry about DH had he wanted to get it on too.

thelatestthing · 16/11/2011 16:12

I just can't comprehend how anyone thinks its ok to make a patient in hospital sleep 2 feet away from an opposite gender person who is neither patient or staff. Its worse than having mixed sex wards. At least in mixed sex wards everyone is a patient.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 16/11/2011 16:14

As per, I am with anyfucker. I suspect she had sex with him for many possible reasons but her own desire was not one of them.

cory · 16/11/2011 16:18

I've spent plenty of time on ante-and postnatal wards.

Never had any reason to fear violent or abusive men and don't care who sees me in the nude, but couldn't help noticing that there is far more risk of night-long conversations keeping everybody else awake if partners are allowed to stay overnight. If you are in for more than one or two nights, this is seriously bad news.

For some reason this doesn't seem to be happening so much on the children's ward.

ohanotherone · 16/11/2011 16:19

Nobody's angry with anyone. They are reasonable questions, questions that you won't address because it doesn't suit your argument which is it's okay for men to stay in a ward overnight.

You wouldn't feel comfortable or happy if you were 2 days post birth and had a overstrung potentially violent male in the ward next to you and your new born baby whilst you tried to sleep would you? No woman would, however hard they think they are

KatAndKit · 16/11/2011 16:21

I do care who sees me in the nude actually. This is why mixed sex wards are being eradicated. Because most of us do not want strangers to see us in the nude. If we are in a situation where that is unavoidable (hospital, communal changing etc) it is reasonable to expect that those strangers will at least be of the same gender.

And yes, people would be nattering all night preventing the mothers and babies getting the rest they need.

And I still think that the presence of visitors 24/7 would be one more thing the midwives had to deal with instead of actually caring for the patients.

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 16:28

Look, you are upset and that's OK. But you are misdirecting your fire at me.

Is it possible that your questions might not have been the vanquishing riposte to my position that you seem to believe? And that instead I've decided that engaging with you about either

a) the details of your hospital stay
b) the details of my hospital stay

is only likely to to make you more shrill/upset you further?

I'm afraid, I still think that new dads need to have open access to their new borns (with caveats about frothing rapists and violent beserkers).

NoSeriously · 16/11/2011 16:32

lemondifficult what I find so offensive about your posts is that you seem to feel the majority should not have their wishes met because you disagree. And then to compare the majority of women feeling that they should be allowed some privacy to that of wanting to bring back hanging Confused I mean actually what the hell are you on about

I suspect most women can't have their partners in with them because mos women giving birth aren't giving birth to their first child. So they are left alone while their partners take care of their other children and feeling more vulnerable for the minority's happiness.

Sirzy · 16/11/2011 16:32

Lemon is a new dads 'right' to spend 24/7 with the child when in hopsital still more important than the new mothers right to get as much sleep as possible with as few distractions as possible?

eminencegrise · 16/11/2011 16:36

I just twigged who LemonDifficult is (engages personal iggy button).

KatAndKit · 16/11/2011 16:36

The woman has just gone through labour and has given birth so I think her right to privacy, dignity and some much needed sleep should be more important than anything else.

Until such time as the NHS can provide ensuite rooms for each patient, with a bed for the dad too, or a nice double bed, then unfortunately the men will have to go home to sleep.

Postnatal is a female ward. By very definition. I can't see why the man would want to sit up in the dark all night "spending time" with a hopefully sleeping baby? Night time is for sleeping. Go home, get some rest so you can be back first thing in the morning and make yourself useful. It isn't like you can play with the baby all night really.

Minus273 · 16/11/2011 16:40

lemon Just a hypothetical question. Lets for the purpose of the argument assume that all the fathers are the perfect example of gentlemen.

Here's the scenario. Its summer so its hot, about 40C on the ward. The room was designed and built to hold 6 beds is served by 1 toilet and 1 shower. due to bed pressures the room has 8 beds and obviously each bed has a crib so imagine how close everyone is. So 8 adults in pain in some way due to forceps, tearing, C section etc and 8 babies. This is the ward I found myself in. Now add in 8 more adults. So that's 16 adults trying to move around, share 1 toilet etc. How do you think that would feel. How much unavoidable noise do you think that would cause? How long do you think you would have to wait for the toilet, even if you assume everyone will be quick?

NoSeriously · 16/11/2011 16:46

The point may have been made as well minus I'm not sure. But traditionally men's loos are disgusting.

So not only is it 16 people sharing a loo which has been bled on by 8 women it's had 8 men piss all over it. AND 8 women waiting even longer for the one toilet because it already takes them about half hour to go for a wee cause of the burning stitches.

MrGin · 16/11/2011 16:54

When my dd was born the midwives turned a blind eye to me staying next to my partner till around 11 at night when they politely asked me to leave. It was quiet, my partner was snoozing, groggy from the CS and my new dd was sleeping in my arms her tiny little breaths just audioable. Twas perhaps the most beautiful hours of my life.

During the day the woman in the next bed however was constantly playing with some beepy game on her phone whilst her persistently coughing partner spread his germs round the ward and gave us all the flu including my tiny dd.

I was very grateful to have the opportunity to be there the first half of the night of dd's life outside the womb. But I think the less people in the ward the better to be honest.

ohanotherone · 16/11/2011 16:55

I'm not shrill or upset. You cannot think that a postnatal ward full of men at night is okay! Come on now!

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 16:55

'I just twigged who LemonDifficult is (engages personal iggy button).' -
Really? That's exciting. Do pm me if we know each other in RL. And what's an iggy button?

'lemondifficult what I find so offensive about your posts is that you seem to feel the majority should not have their wishes met because you disagree.' - Don't bother finding my posts offensive, certainly not 'so' offensive. Just find them a different view to yours. The 'hanging' comment was just a standard response to any utilitarian argument. (I think you probably knew that but were looking to to be offended again.)

The post about perfect gentlemen - My experience of hospital was just like this (without the heat) and it was OK. I think the men just used the main visitor's loos. I don't remember any of them using the loo on the ward.

Minus273 · 16/11/2011 16:57

You didn't feel crowded with 16 adults and 8 babies in a room designed for only 6 adults?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 16/11/2011 17:03

"And what's an iggy button?"

I think it means ignore button.

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 17:03

Most of the time everyone wasn't there together. In fact, hardly any of the time, I don't think.

Enough about LemonDifficult's particular stays in hospital, I think. Can we take it for granted that most people will form their opinions based on a combination of their own experience and their observations of the world around them?