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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
fotheringhay · 16/11/2011 11:55

I agree with valiumredhead that "the whole point is that DP's shouldn't be picking up the slack in place of professional care".

Back to the lack of resources again Sad

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 16/11/2011 11:55

But on holiday is very different to just having given birth I imagine. I am sure you feel a lot more vulnerable and want you privacy - especially given the physical stuff going on.

Exactly, which is precisely what so many of us have been saying all along.

catgirl1976 · 16/11/2011 11:56

well yes - i have never disagreed

bruffin · 16/11/2011 11:58

Pekka

Bruffin - it is one night too many if you cannot move and take care of your baby.
I would swap you your one night to my 7 weeks any day. Those 7 weeks would have been a nightmare if men had been allowed on the ward.
I was actually put in a private room once ds was born, because they felt sorry for me.
On top of my 7 weeks I had two days of inducing then a 24 hour labour, ending up in theatre for an emergency CS if forceps didn't work.

We went back to the ward in the middle of the night and DH went home because he wasn't in a fit state for anything either. I was still on a drip so by myself in a private room and forgotten about, but I still wouldn't have wanted men to be able to stay overnight in the wards. I still had to stay another 4 nights in hospital.

Graciescotland · 16/11/2011 11:59

TBH I think my DH is quite lovely, if he were to spend the night he'd be helpful, respectful of the other women and their privacy and as quiet as possible. Not everyone is as lucky.

There was a couple opposite me on the post natal ward who were really noisy, the bloke swore repeatedly. I wasn't earwigging, would of been delighted not to have heard them but hard to ignore a shouted conversation between the door and the occupant of the bed 5 metres away. This was bad enough during the day but had it been at night I would of been livid.

I wouldn't vote for Dads to spend the night in case you get a set of noisy idiots. Unless there are private rooms.

LuckyRocketshipUnderpants · 16/11/2011 12:01

Pekka- I think what many are trying to say here, over and over and in different ways is that the experience of post natal care in hospitals varies widely. Part of the issue is that you just cannot predict or guarantee what will happen after you give birth, either in terms of how long you might need to stay, the complications you might have endured or who your roommates (and partners) might be during that time. You should however be able to count on professionals helping you care for your baby in the event that you are not able to move.

Adding overnight visitors in the form of other men on the ward is really just adding to the uncertainty of how safe and secure women may feel when they are already likely to be in a relatively vulnerable state. So no, you would not be able to anticipate whether the extent of the invasion of your privacy and dignity will be a strange man staring at your breasts while you try to feed- or whether it will go as far as feeling actual concern for the safety of yourself, your baby (or both). I don't think anyone is wanting to be intentionally alarmist about what may or may not go on- but the inescapable truth is the introduction of this change would bring with it some very frightening potential scenarios for women.

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 12:01

'Other than that, stop stirring.' Shock On AIBU?! Confused Is YABU stirring?

If there's a reason not to want strange men then why would that reason not apply to 'strange' women. If the issues are noise or security I see no reason why this applies more to men than women.

Visiting hours are irrelevant as far as parents gaining access to their partners and their babies are concerned.

bruffin · 16/11/2011 12:04

2If there's a reason not to want strange men then why would that reason not apply to 'strange' women. If the issues are noise or security I see no reason why this applies more to men than women. "

because the men don't need to be there and women do!

KatAndKit · 16/11/2011 12:07

Right then, so if I went into hospital to have an operation, a mixed ward is ok for me to stay on because strange men are no different to strange women? No, it is not the same. That is why the NHS are having to get rid of all mixed sex accommodation. Women who have just given birth have a particular need for privacy and dignity and should have the same rights as women (and men) in all the other wards of the hospital. As for security, the hospital can't choose who the patients are, but they can control visitors.

Since many of them offer 12 hours a day of visiting for the parent who is not an inpatient in the hospital, I think that is quite enough access really.

I think allowing all men to remain overnight accross the board would make life a total nightmare for the ward staff, who are already very overstretched. They should be able to concentrate on caring for the patients, not worrying what the visitors are up to.

bruffin · 16/11/2011 12:07

and I am not saying men are unsafe, I am saying it just adds more noise and chaos to an already not very calm environment

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 16/11/2011 12:08

Generally I have found that women are not sexually aggressive to other women or threatening or aggressive to men.

They don't generally rape other women or insist their partners have sex with them two hours after giving birth, either.

VivaLeBeaver · 16/11/2011 12:09

Lemon difficult, are you saying g that you would like your own ward, with no one else in it at all apart from yourself?

No one has suggested that female visitors should be able to stay all night. So the only women who will be there are patients. Yes they may be strangers to each other but they have a need to be there

valiumredhead · 16/11/2011 12:09

Plus on holiday everyone sees your breasts everyone most certainly does not see my breasts.

God, my dh is lovely but he was SO hyped up after my section it was quite nice for my sister to take him home so I could get some peace and quiet. Knowing my dh he would've started to strike up conversation with anyone that would listen once he realised he wasn't get much out of me! Thankfully I was in Intensive care and then after 2 days transferred to a private room and dh could go and chin wag to the SCUBU nurses to his heart's content Wink

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 12:10

'Generally I have found that women are not sexually aggressive to other women or threatening or aggressive to men.

They don't generally rape other women or insist their partners have sex with them two hours after giving birth, either.'

Um, generally I have found this to be true of men as well.

VivaLeBeaver · 16/11/2011 12:10

Why are visiting hours irrelevant for partners? If a hospital says that pertness can only come between certain times then it's not irrelevant.

VivaLeBeaver · 16/11/2011 12:12

Good autocorrect there! Partners not pertness.

Pekka · 16/11/2011 12:12

bruffin - you haven't mentioned your baby in your long post. were you able to look after your baby? pick him up when he cried? that is my main concern. like i have said earlier, if i am well enough to care for my baby, i would be happy.

valiumredhead · 16/11/2011 12:14

You are really fortunate that you have found this to be the case lemon because it happens, sadly.

catgirl1976 · 16/11/2011 12:15

Of course it happens but it is the extreme not the norm. It is not how people "generally" behave, it is the extremes of behaviour and the minority

That doesnt mean it doesnt happen or is a risk worth taking or whatever, but you cant say thats how men "generally" behave.

ChristinedePizanne · 16/11/2011 12:17

Pekka - I wasn't able to pick up my baby or put him back in his cot but a MW came when I rang the bell. And I was in a very busy, very stretched inner London hospital. Really, you are on your own with the baby for a very short time - visiting usually finishes at 8pm and breakfast is served at 7.30am so it's less than 12 hours.

As other people have pointed out, once you have a child at home then your DP is going to have to be looking after them.

This is a pfb charter.

mrskbpw · 16/11/2011 12:18

I haven't read the whole 35 pages of this thread, but I have had two babies at two different hospitals with two very different experiences. One very bad and one very good. It would have been very useful to have had my husband there on the first night first time round. It was scary. Especially when I got up to the ward after visiting hours had finished and he was thrown out straight away. But I wouldn't really have wanted anyone else's husband there.

Also, I wouldn't want this to become a substitute for midwife-led care. Which is what would happen, don't you think? It's another Big Bollocksing Society thing. Like families looking after elderly patients in geriatric wards. It's fine if you have a husband, and it's your first baby so there are no other children at home for him to be looking after. What about all those women who don't? Or whose husbands aren't able to help? What would happen to them?

Pekka · 16/11/2011 12:18

catgirl - I agree. Most men do not rape.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 16/11/2011 12:21

Of course they don't. No one here has says most do.
But some men are absolute vile scum and I do not wish, nor would wish on any other woman, to have to sleep in a room with them night after night. The very thought is truly horrific.

Are you genuinely incapable of seeing that, pekka?

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 12:23

What it happens 'generally' or it happens occasionally? And is it more or less likely to happen on a maternity ward? Look, I'm not doubting it does happen.

Fathers aren't just an add-on to the maternity process, it's their family, their baby and they need to have access. Some US study I read about showed that the more involved teenage dads were encouraged to be in the first week of their babies life the more likely they were to go on being good parents. This time is important. Some people won't want or need to be there, some will.

bruffin · 16/11/2011 12:25

Pekka
No I couldn't move as I was still on a drip. i was far too out of it to remember.
It was far better off for both of us for him to go home get some sleep and refresh himself. He had been visiting me in the hospital many miles away every night for nearly 2 months. He had been called back to the hospital at 3 oclock in the morning and was there for another 24 hours. It was a very stressful time for all of us.

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