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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:

ConstanceNoring · 16/11/2011 13:19

Sorry, This Thread Cannot Receive Any More Posts, catgirl1976 has already said Gavel

Regards
MNHQ

ohanotherone · 16/11/2011 13:21

and you slept in that time?
and you had space around your bed?
and you were in a 4/6 bay ward?
and would there been enough room for your partner to stop the night?
and really would you have felt okay about other people's partners sleeping next to you and your baby?
even if they smelt of beer/sweat/smoke?
were excitable in a bad way?
treated their partners in such a way you were worried about your own safety?

I'm all for partners staying in single ensuite rooms but theren't aren't many of those are there? They should be kept for the sickest mothers and babies!

NoSeriously · 16/11/2011 13:33

tits out crying sleep deprived

Not one doctor or midwife announced they were coming in before they throwing curtains open constantly. It would have been lovely to not have dh sent home and be in a private room but not have other people's asshole husband in with me.

Also I'm sure I've heard on mumsnet of men tryin to have sex with their wives who have just delivered whilst still on the ward. I'd hate to think of a woman in an abusive relationship being forced to endure that

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 16/11/2011 13:55

It isn't for PFBs at all. When I have another baby I will plan a home birth with Dd and DH there, if for whatever reason I had to go to hospital DD would stay with friend/relative whilst DH was with me for however long it took, and then we would all leave the hospital together.

When I said I've not slept in a hospital I did say I wasn't suggesting anyone else do that. I have never been able to relax enough to sleep in any kind of hospital, even on heavy pain medication, even after nights of no sleep, even on sleeping tablets. I am saying that not everyone on a ward will be asleep, whatever you do. And saying why I would spend the majority of the night wandering about and doing things as sitting on a bed for hours silently in the dark worrying isn't the best option. I'd have thought they'd be much more sleeplessness on a ward full of babies.

grovel · 16/11/2011 13:58

Gavel is trumped by grovel

Minus273 · 16/11/2011 14:11

Off course there is a lot of sleeplessness on the ward. However by definition the babies and mothers are patients and therefore have to be there. The difficulties of getting sleep are all the more reason not to create more noise and crowding which double the adults would do.

fatlazymummy · 16/11/2011 14:23

lemondrop men don't need continuous access to their newborn babies, to the extent of taking up residence in hospital. What about men who are sick, in prison, in the armed forces, or who just have to stay at home with older children? Are they not able to bond with their babies?

hildathebuilder · 16/11/2011 14:25

All this stuff about dad being there to bond with the baies is bunkum, those of us whose babies are whisked into NICU manage, and manage despite the extra difficulties we have. I join the huge chorus of what a bloody ridiculous idea. It was bad enough having other women there but at lest they were patients, it was worse having other women's babies there but again at least they were patients. dads no thank you

Kladdkaka · 16/11/2011 14:34

I can't help but think that those wanting men to stay overnight haven't ever spent a Saturday night in A&E.

eminencegrise · 16/11/2011 14:41

I'm so glad LemonDifficult's husband was sent home! Let's hope this continues. If I were subjected to this, I'd be tempted to bring legal action because this obviously breaches the NHS's own guidelines.

Snorbs · 16/11/2011 14:42

I would have loved to have been able to stay overnight when my DCs were born. Walking away was incredibly difficult and I hardly slept all night for worrying that they - both my DP and our new baby - would be ok. This was particularly the case with my PFB of course, as by the time we had our second then it was all a lot less scary. But it was still worrying.

Nevertheless this isn't about what would have been best for me or for other dads. This is about what is best for the mothers and babies and it seems obvious that, in a postnatal ward, quiet and calm is the way to go. Allowing all men the right to stay overnight won't help with this.

I know most men are fine but I can't pretend it's not true that a small minority are utter wankstains and would have no place staying overnight in such a place. Yup, that means that decent blokes are effectively being penalised for actions of the shitheads but that's the way it goes sometimes.

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 14:48

'I'm so glad LemonDifficult's husband was sent home!'

Was he? I'm sure I'd remember that. What are you talking about?

hester · 16/11/2011 14:50

Thank you Snorbs, the voice of reason.

Snorbs · 16/11/2011 14:51

Blimey, that's the first time I've ever been called that

lesley33 · 16/11/2011 14:51

"We have mixed loos at my work and I don't mind mixed changing rooms. Plus on holiday everyone sees your breasts."

Mixed loos fine - as presumably you have an actual cubicle with a door you can shut. I wouldn't change in mixed changing rooms and as single sex changing rooms are the norm I assume many feel the same. And I do not show my breasts on holiday! In fact only my DP and medical people ever see my breasts and that is the way I would like it to remain.

Can't you understand that not everyone feels as you do?

TandB · 16/11/2011 14:58

The argument about strange women being as much of an unknown quantity as strange men really doesn't hold water for several reasons.

Firstly, the women have to be there. They are patients. This is an unavoidable risk. The men don't have to be there. They are not patients. This is an avoidable risk.

Secondly, like it or not, the majority of violent and sexual crimes against women are committed by men. That is not to say that the majority of men commit such crimes, but when it happens it is more likely to be a man than a woman. Therefore a ward of entirely women is more likely to be safe than a mixed ward.

Thirdly, the other women on the ward have also just had babies. Even if they are vile, violent, abusive bullies, they are likely to be somewhat hamstrung by the fact that they have a tiny baby and have just been through either a vaginal delivery or a c-section. They are not exactly going to be at their fighting best. The men visiting the ward are exactly the same as they always are.

People being what they are, whenever you introduce any extra bodies into any situation, the risk of a negative consequence goes up. Fewer people = lower risk.

catgirl1976 · 16/11/2011 15:07

Lesley33 Can't you understand that not everyone feels as you do?

No. I am totally inflexible and unbending in all my views and feel if other people hold a different view to me they are wrong and should be shot...my view is the only correct one and the sooner everyone feels exaxctly the same as me about every issue the better.

ohanotherone · 16/11/2011 15:08

Lemondifficult has not yet answered the nine questions I asked her....is this because actually she can't honestly answer them without realising that her argument is flawed?

MillyR · 16/11/2011 15:08

KFP, I think the other issue with the women is that they as patients on a maternity ward there behaviour and psychological state is being monitored anyway. If a maternity patient is behaving in a disturbed way, then social services and the mental health team will be called in. This was the case with the woman in the bed next to me after I had my second child.

Ideally, nobody would want to be in a bed next to a woman who was acting negatively towards her newborn, but I did not feel unsafe because a team of midwives, social workers and health care professionals were constantly dealing with the woman's behaviour and the safety of her baby. There was obviously a very great need for her behaviour to be dealt with in a hospital setting.

It is not the job of hospitals to monitor the mental health and behaviour of visitors in the same way because they are not patients and have not consented to such treatment. All they can do it police the behaviour. Nor is there a need for their behaviour to be dealt with in the presence of their own baby, even if they are the father.

LemonDifficult · 16/11/2011 15:09

ohanotherone · 16/11/2011 15:15

Well, it's all very well to pursue an argument in the abstract but actually a rule of thumb for anyone expressing a view which affects other people is to think how would I feel in that scenario? Therefore, it is acceptble to ask the questions that I posed.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 16/11/2011 15:25

kungfupanda can i just add a point to your list that i think is important. the women who are in a post natal ward are not only at risk from violence or sexual assault from men because they are women but even more so because they are vulnerable women at that point.

if any visiting man had a tendency towards violence or sexually assaulting women, he would be more likely to act on it when the wome he was in close contact with were vulnerable. women who are sleeping, women on strong pain relief that makes them drowsy, women in huge amounts of pain, women unable to move, women who are confined to their beds with IVs, women that aren't getting prompt responses to their buzzers, women who will try to protect their babies being hurt, women who didn't have a partner there to protect them. all these factors make women even more at risk than just being healthy women sharing a room with men.

ohanotherone · 16/11/2011 15:25

and I'm still waiting for your answers....

maighdlin · 16/11/2011 15:30

christ no! the blood gore and general horribleness of it all. i didn't even want MY dh to see me the next day post c-sec with the world falling out between my legs with a catheder and my old woman nighty with milk over it. at least with the other women you are all in the same boat.

valiumredhead · 16/11/2011 15:34

I know someone who WILLINGLY had sex the same day as she gave birth ( she was randy as anything and just HAD to have her dh there and then according to her ) somehow they managed to do it in the hospital - now if those two had been at it in the bed next to me I would've quite happily lamped the pair of them!!!

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