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AIBU?

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Original poster

to feel shocked that my 4 year old was slated on 1st parents evening

319 replies

prettyontheinside · 14/11/2011 15:20

without using the word 'slow' my dd's ability to concentrate, obey simple instructions, even write her name correctly were all mentioned...a snigger also at the fact she struggled writing, recognising the number 9. i was also told "i'm here to tell it like it is" - now, i hadn't asked "does my bum look big in this"? but was there to discuss my child... i am thoroughly worried as i was also told she'd be 'left behind'...i did say i felt the child discussed isn't the girl i recognise. she's been writing her name for a year...could it be that her teacher lacks rapport with her charges, looks like an unmade bed (cords and cotton traders t's + trainers) and has a lady beard...in fact after a week off school with a virus the teacher in question did not even mention my child's return to class - to welcome or to reassure...all that aside, don't you think the school should perhaps have called me in pre parents evening and not deliver such worrying news in an alloted 10 minute slot within earshot of other parents... what would you do?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 14/11/2011 21:19

Oh dear crabapple obviously the mother is the best judge of whether her child is fit for school, and in this case quite rightly her dd was deemed not to be. What the hell is she going to get out of it, if she is sick, the teachers will probably phone up her mum and send her home. They do not want sick children at school spreading illness about.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 21:21

I don't want my dd catching illness from a child who should not have been at school either. Yes I know that it happens my dd is forever catching something, I am keeping fingersX that its not going to be the dreaded stomach flu as experienced by math

fedupofnamechanging · 14/11/2011 21:22

Crabapple, you scare me. I hope to god my dc never come across teachers like you, who make sweeping assumptions about a 4 year old, based on a week's absence from school. I pointed it out up thread, but you do know the child doesn't legally need to be in school at this age anyway.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 21:22

Teacher phoned me up and sent dd home last week as she had sand in her eye and was crying Hmm. By the time I got there she was fine, but she was sent to me so had to take her home.

Backtobedlam · 14/11/2011 21:22

Crabapple-you must be joking! The child is 4...they are still so little, and school takes a lot out of them if they're not 100% Its no reflection of her future attendance at all, she may now go the rest of the school year without a day off. I find this attitude to a 4yo having time off really quite frightening

rocksandhardplaces · 14/11/2011 21:23

English folk are very weird about attendance. A week off when you're 4 is NOT a big deal. Many kids around the world don't start school until they are 7! This is why winter vomiting bug and the like do the rounds so much, because parents have this weird sense of "honour" about attendence. If your child is sick and miserable keep them off!

"I can almost guarantee this child will have a serious attendance problem by secondary school. And will be years behind. "One week off with a virus" is the start of the pattern. There will be another week off with anohter virus sooner or later."

Really? Crystal ball there? Anyone here ever had shigella? I have asthma and missed LOADS of school as a child and graduated first in my year at university and got a distinction in an MSc. How ludicrous to suggest one week off for a four year old is such an ominous sign!

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 21:23

Well it was 2.30pm and nearly home time I guess

Hulababy · 14/11/2011 21:24

crabapple - lots of children miss 1-2 weeks a year for annual holidays. Even they cope and they have that time off most, if not all, years. But they don't all fall massively behind and don't catch up.

SardineQueen · 14/11/2011 21:26

Aha but isn't this mrs crabapple, the teacher from bart's primary school? In which case the comments make more sense!

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 14/11/2011 21:28

I would imagine if she'd sounded like she liked your dd and had positive stuff to say the scruffy, bearded disheveled woman would have just been a lovely teacher. But she sounds awful and I think we sometimes decide a whole package of scruff is reflected in appearance. On eof my dcs has a scruffy teacher and I think it sets a tone.

The snigger is a shit thing to do.

Go back in.

Crabapple99 · 14/11/2011 21:32

you are misunderstanding what I am saying. It is not the one week off that is the "ominous sign" of course children have to have time off when they need it, and some need far more than a week, for serious reasons. The "ominous sign" is the reason given by the mother for a week's absence - that is what is so telling, and says so musch about attitude to attendance and education.

JosieZ · 14/11/2011 21:32

There was a discussion on Women's Hour recently about the school gates brigade ---- about how bitchy it was, just like school all over again!!

Judging from some of the comments here how true that was.

A lady beard - in this day and age - this woman has somehow got to her 30s (I assume) without reading a woman's magazine, seeing ads for waxing, electroloysis, can't she afford a bic razor. Strewth. And knowing how honest wee ones can be her pupils prob comment on it regularly.

If she chooses to be au naturel that's fine but for it to be politically incorrect to pass comment on it is just ridiculous.

Likewise scruffy dressing in those dealing with the public. Fine if that's what they choose to do but they need then to be at the top of their game because they put themselves forward for more criticism if they look unable to handle a comb properly or use an iron.

I can imagine how hurt the OP feels. I would be v anxious for my child, in a class all day with a teacher who seems to find her so unpraiseworthy. How often is she criticising and correcting her through the day? Hardly a great start to her school years.

However, my son was v slow when he started school at 5 (fortunately all that the lovely teacher said was that some boys in particular are slow to read) and he ended up with a masters in engineering. So I would prob ignore teacher's comments. Tell daughter that teacher said how good she is / polite she is / nice her paintings were or something so that she has a good attitude to teacher (ie don't let your negative vibes influence her) and forget about it. Four is way too young to be concerned.

Isla77 · 14/11/2011 21:35

As a teacher myself I disagree with those who are saying that the OP should not criticise the teacher's physical appearance. If this is a school where children have a dress code (probably a uniform but maybe not) then the teacher's should have to maintain a certain standard as well. At my school there is an expectation that staff will be smartly dressed at all times. Also parents should not be able to hear discussions about children other than their own. They should wait outside the classroom until asked to come in to speak to the teacher. All discussions should be confidential. Agree with Sooty - ask to speak to the teacher again and sort things out. Best of luck.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 21:40

So crabapple what is this ominous sign then! If the mum had send her dd in, the dd would probably have been grumpy, tired, ill and staff at the school would have telephoned her to take her dd home! In that time, her dd would probably have spread her illness about as it travels like wildfire.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/11/2011 21:41

Crabapple, if you've ever had a mouthful of ulcers and been too poorly to eat, you would know beyond doubt that school is not the best place for a 4 year old experiencing this. That you lack the empathy to 'get' that is truly worrying.

IneedAbetterNickname · 14/11/2011 21:43

Crabapple99 It is not the one week off that is the "ominous sign" of course children have to have time off when they need it, and some need far more than a week, for serious reasons. The "ominous sign" is the reason given by the mother for a week's absence - that is what is so telling, and says so musch about attitude to attendance and education

But why does the OP need to defend on here why her DD had a week off school? She has told us that she had a week off sick, it's not for us to judge whether that is right or wrong, or if that means the OP has a bad attitude towards attendance!

Hulababy · 14/11/2011 21:48

So the fact that the OP has described her DD as having had a week off school with a virus on a piblic forum means that the mums attitude to sschool attendance is a negative one? Really? You seem to be able to read a lot into that post!

FWIW I often but a general term down on DD's sick notes too rather than going into details about exact nature of illness, etc. I may expand verbally on the phone or direct to the teacher, but not when formally writing the sick note. Does that make me value my DD's education too?

Hulababy · 14/11/2011 21:49

"virus had left her with an ulcerated roof of mouth. she ate little and was very weak and poorly"

Doesn't sound like the little girl should have been to school to me!

soverylucky · 14/11/2011 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

teacherwith2kids · 14/11/2011 21:52

Crabapple, I am frankly amazed by your reaction.

DS has twice had a week or more off school for 'a virus' - nothing with a name, but something which gave him temperatures that hit 104+ every day and on the first occasion meant he lost 1/3 of his bodyweight because he was too ill to eat (second time he lost a stone too, but luckily he weighed more than 3 stone by then). Doctor's reaction 'yes, a virus'. My information to school 'a virus'. He was really very very poorly.

FionaBruise · 14/11/2011 22:06

As the unproud owner of a ladybeard which is taking about a million years to get eletrolysis-ised I'd urge you judge the teacher by her lack of soft skills but not by her lady beard :-(
People at work are always giving me "she's mad why the doesn't she do something about it looks" at work, but you're not allowed to do anything about the growth between sessions so I just have to look like a freak for a year. Ladybeard doesn't equal unprofessional.

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 14/11/2011 22:16

my dd had two weeks (at least could have been three its a bit hazy) off in reception, we did get a call from the family liason woman who told us we would need proof of illness. We had to take in consultants letters and proof that she had been in hospital etc (she had e coli). She also had more time off after this because she was pretty weak for a while after and caught pretty much everything going - if a child came near her with anythign at all she would be ill straight away. The school was really awful telling us that she would have to attend in the morning to be sent home by a teacher (um she was ill enough to be in hospital we were not exactly going to take her to school in the morning?)
Even that amount of time off didnt effect her work much at all.

Original poster
prettyontheinside · 14/11/2011 22:17

fiona, i am sorry and wish i hadn't written the remarks abour her looks. i am just very hurt and clearly an erse for being so insensitive. thanks josie z.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 14/11/2011 22:19

Dirty, I'd have told the school to fuck off at that point - they are essentially calling you a liar. I'd have been making very loud, formal complaints at the assumption that I could not be trusted to ascertain whether my own child was well enough to attend school.

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 14/11/2011 22:23

karma we did and we had multiple forms of letters and proof plus the fact that even her teacher was sending her home once a week or two for a couple of months because she was so tired and run down.
She is at a different (much more helpful!) school now although she has really good attendance now thank god!