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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
diddl · 14/11/2011 09:59

I wouldn´t be happy if my husband came & told me that was happening.

If he said that that is what his mum would like to do-fine.

Wouldn´t need to have my own holiday in return either tbh.

I hope your husband cares enough about his mum to want to celebrate her birthday with her rather than just looking at it as a freebie trip to NYC.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 14/11/2011 09:59

I'd be green with envy but I certainly wouldn't try and prevent dp from going away like this.

As others have said already, if this was the OP's DM wanting to spend an extravagant week with her then the responses would be quite different.

My DP is going away for a week in the New Year. I'm going to make the most of it tbh (even if it's just a case of having the remote to myself every night). Obv. it's different circumstances (DP is going with friends - I wouldn't expect them to invite me as they're his friends rather than mine).

OP could you arrange to do something out of the ordinary that week too? Go and stay with a friend or something?

rubyrubyruby · 14/11/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomekindofSpanish · 14/11/2011 10:01

Have read the whole thread and not sure why MIL is getting such a hard time.

OP's DH has presented it as a done deal. Has OP asked MIL what the deal is? You say you have known her almost 20 years and that you get on well, can you just not ask?

I would be more angry at DH for not wanting to discuss it and seemingly not being bothered that you and DD will not be going.

MIL can ask for what she wants, but it is the DH that will be making the final decision as to whether he goes, surely.

pictish · 14/11/2011 10:01

Plus, if the pil are funding it, maybe they haven't got enough to pay for dil, or their dd's bf as well?

Inertia · 14/11/2011 10:02

The unreasonable part of this is that your DH and your MIL are treating him as if he is a single man with no other responsibilities. I can see both sides of the debate around MIL wanting to spend time with her own children/ DH's family of wife and own DC supersedes him being a son- what would irk me is the fact that they have blithely announced that they're going , having given no consideration to the fact that you and your DC even exist. Of course, it's hurtful that you and your child are not considered family by your MIL- how would she react if you said that she wasn't welcome at DC's birthday or at Christmas, because it's for DC's family only? I doubt it works both ways. If it's because they think the trip involves activities not suitable for toddlers then they could have discussed this with you first- not just airbrushed you and your child out of the family picture.

Could it be the case that it's been booked as a surprise for MIL, and whoever booked is being thoughtless?

Your DH needs to make sure that the fact he's having a jolly of his own for a week doesn't impact upon his caring responsibilities for your child or on your own holiday plans.

Just to say that in our family both DH and I, as well as our families, consider us a unit- anything that involved just one of going to a family event (e.g. a hen weekend) has always involved checking that it's ok with the other.It's never presented as a done deal.

BluddyMoFo · 14/11/2011 10:04

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juneau · 14/11/2011 10:06

OP I can understand why you're miffed at being excluded. I would be too, and by the assumption that it's okay for him to go off for a week and leave you at home alone with your DD. TBH I wouldn't want to go to NY for a week with a toddler. I used to live in NYC and it's amazing if you're with just adults - but with a 19-month-old? No - hideous. Jet lagged, out of routine LOs who are deprived of naps and dragged around attractions they have no interest in would be miserable for all concerned. But it would've been nice for you to have been able to decline graciously, rather than be just excluded. It could've been handled much better IMO. At the very least your DH could've involved you in the discussion and asked if it was okay for him to go rather than present you with a decision that had already been made.

thestringcheesemassacre · 14/11/2011 10:08

Pictish - completely agree with everything you said on this thread.

My mother is coming to visit us from Australia next year and her and I are already planning a weekend away, just us, not DH and not her darling GDs.

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 10:08

But OP hasnt really gone into much detail about how exactly he worded this announcement. There is a lot of assumption going on here. If anything, the OP has been quite reasonable so far and it is others who are making it sound as if he walked throught the door and said "I am going to NY with my Mum, but you cant go, so ner ner"... which isnt what the OP has said really.

There could have been a discussion between son and his mother, where she had said she was going to NY, would like her son and daughter to go too, and asked him if his wife would mind, and he has said "no, she will be fine, it wouldnt be suitable for our child anyway, and anyway Mum it will be nice to have a break with just us, it will be like old times" or words to that effect.

Nothing wrong with that at all if it happened that way, and as I and others have said, if it was a womans mum who was asking her daughter to go on a trip with her, the opinions on here would be very different.

ChristinedePizanne · 14/11/2011 10:10

A weekend is one thing, a week is a whole different kettle of fish. Not least because it is assuming the OP is going to pick up the childcare baton for the whole time.

And the OP did say her DH 'told' her, not asked.

MissIngaFewmarbles · 14/11/2011 10:12

I think the DH having a week with his DM is fine, but I would be getting straight on my high horse about being 'told' what was happening. Small children are bloody hard work and if either dh or I want a break like this we would chat it over together. Not 'permission' or anything daft like that, just consultation, it's manners innit?

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 10:15

He was probably excited and rushed through door and said "wow, Mums taking me to New York for her birthday"... perhaps a bit thoughtless, but not purposely insensitive.

Again, if OPs mum had told her she was going to take her on a Spa Break, and OP had said to her husband "wow, Mums taking me on a girly cruise for her birthday", and then posted here because her husband had got the hump about it, I can guarantee there would have been an almost unanimous cry of "tell the git to suck it up", "go for it" "he will cope"... Grin

pictish · 14/11/2011 10:17

Absolutely squeakytoy and aint that the truth! Wink

BluddyMoFo · 14/11/2011 10:18

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dreamingbohemian · 14/11/2011 10:19

Gawd this thread is depressing.

Karma is a bitch, ladies, you may be happy now having toppled your MIL off her throne and welded yourself to your DH's hip, but I don't imagine you'll much enjoy it when your time comes around and you're put out to pasture.

I am all for inclusive family celebrations but I don't for a minute imagine that I mean as much to my MIL as her own son does. I would not be bothered by this kind of trip at all, honestly.

Youllbewaiting · 14/11/2011 10:19

I like the fact that the OP said she probably would have declined the offer anyway.

sozzledchops · 14/11/2011 10:22

Yanbu to be a bit miffed, especially if it wasn't discussed tactfully but... It would be a lovely thing for your MIL and dragging a toddler to NY would impact their fun though a whole week is quite long, better if they had done a shorter break. Wonder if you would be invited if there wasn't a young child in the picture or if child was older etc.

I'd love to think I could still have some specially time with my sons when they are grown and someone else has taken my place as no 1. My husband and I have been talking about him taking his dad away to NY and I'd be happy for this, but then husband has minded the children when I've been away for over a week at a time for family stuff.

Depends also on your relationship with the mil and past behaviour.

rubyrubyruby · 14/11/2011 10:24

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Bonsoir · 14/11/2011 10:25

I think this is very rude indeed of your DH's family.

SomekindofSpanish · 14/11/2011 10:27

I agree squeaky. But OP did say she was told and so assumptions will be made.

That's why I do not understand why MIL is being blamed - if he did come in and tell her he was going, done deal, then he is being insensitive, not MIL.

FWIW, the scenario in the OP would not bother me, as no other spouse is going, therefore I would not take it personally.

gramercy · 14/11/2011 10:28

Maybe I'm wrong, but I sort of got the feeling there is no fil. If so, it would be more reasonable for the mil to want her sons to accompany her. If it was her + ds and his family she would inevitably be left out a bit.

I agree with others that people's reactions are a bit sexist - it seems ok for a mother to want to go away with her daughters but if a mother wants to hang out with an adult son - no, that's not going to happen unless he's gay, single, and likes National Trust properties.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 14/11/2011 10:29

A mother and daughter/son, father and son/daughter weekend is very different to a 'family' holiday w/o a 17yr spouse.

When does a DIL become 'family'?

grovel · 14/11/2011 10:30

My MiL is brilliant. As good as they come. Loves her DiLs and grandchildren. Once a year she has a dinner (occasionally week-end) with her three sons (all married with children). They can all reminisce about about their early years etc without boring us. I don't resent this arrangement at all.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 10:31

pictish would you feel happy then if your dh/dp presented you with that situation with no talking and discussion, something that will not only affect him but has impact on his family. Op alone looking after dd, using up annual leave that will impact on family holiday that year. Yes if it was the other way round the same applies. That's what being in a partnership is about, communicating, respecting one another. Why should the op expect to be accommodating when her dh is totally disrespecting her by not discussing it with her properly and going off in a huff. I am glad to say that my dh would not bevlike that