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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 10:31

It isnt a "family" holiday though. It is a birthday celebration for a woman who is to be 60 years old. It is HER treat.

rubyrubyruby · 14/11/2011 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 10:33

OP hasnt mentioned any problems that this will cause with annual leave. Her husband could be self employed for all we know.

Nor has she said that HE has gone into a huff either. She said she was doing some "low grade huff action".

Tangle · 14/11/2011 10:35

Isn't this comparable to a wedding thread - the Bride is NU to dictate whatever ludicrous terms she wants, but she WBU to then get upset that 100% of the guests can't come as they leap through the hoops she's created.

To me, it all also needs to be assessed in the context of how your individual family dynamics work. If you're in a family where DS/DIL regularly arrange their own thing for that kind of time period and its expected then maybe it would be fine. Personally I'd be a bit pissed off, but then that's partly because neither DH nor I are great at keeping the calendar up to date - we check with each other as a courtesy that our plans aren't going to cause an inconvenience to the other. Also I don't expect DH to include me in all his plans - but we do tend to do most things together when we can, mainly because family time is very limitted due to the hours he works.

MIL wanting to spend time with her adult children (without their spouses) for a big birthday - not in and of itself unreasonable. But demanding their attendance for a week (if that's what she's done) does smack of selfishness to me - it implies she's failed to consider the impact on her son's family of disappearing for a week (not just in immediate terms, but wrt financial cost and other holiday plans as well).

DH walking in and "telling" me that he was going for a week would have me more than "a little miffed". Just for clarity, that would be independent of where he was going to - more based on the principle that he'd make plans like that without even bothering to talk to me first.

Have to say I find it more than a little bemusing that so many seem to think that (seemingly) MIL should be able to say jump and everyone else asks how high - and that's fine. Where's the limit? If you think the MIL's plan here is totally reasonable and without issue, how much of an adult child's time do you think it is acceptable for a MIL to make demands on?

pictish · 14/11/2011 10:37

"pictish would you feel happy then if your dh/dp presented you with that situation with no talking and discussion, something that will not only affect him but has impact on his family"

Yeah I would. Wouldn't bother me at all. Especially if I had four months notice. I can cope on my own for a week no problem....he need not have to worry about me.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 10:40

Squeaky low grade huff action is the same thing, behaving immaturely. The op was told according to the op when she tired to discuss her feelings he did go huffy

suzikettles · 14/11/2011 10:41

A son is a son till he takes him a wife. A daughter's a daughter for all of your life.

I wonder if the sister's dh is kicking off on Dadsnet? Nah, probably not.

pictish · 14/11/2011 10:42

doubt it

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 10:43

In this family we discuss things. Something as big as a week away would be discussed first that's what people in relationships do! You are in a partnership Pictish so have to think of the others in your relationship. Well your in the minority.

Tangle · 14/11/2011 10:43

Sister doesn't have a DH. She has a "boyfriend" (and I haven't seen anything saying how long he's been on the scene).

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 10:45

Piglet, the OP implied that it was SHE who was doing the huff action, not her husband.

tummytickler · 14/11/2011 10:45

I don't get the issue here. Of course op is gutted to not go to NYC. I would be, but I wouldn't feel left out.
Just because a man is a husband and father, he is still a man in his own right, and why should he have to ask permission to go away with his mother - he is a grown man. If it happens all the time, then there is cause for issue, but a one off, special event for his mums birthday. I don't see how she is being out of order, i really don't.
A lot of you seem to have problems putting yourselves in the shoes of mil. I still want to spend time with my dc when they are adults, and I hope none of my dc marry partners as horrible and 'me, me, me,' as some of you lot. Can't grown ups have close relationships outside of marriage and parenthood.
Dh used to regularly go to off for a week with his Mum to see family and stuff. Sometimes I would go with dc, usually not. Now she is dead, I am glad he got to spend some quality time with her away form the hectic life of the family and dc.

AmorYCohetes · 14/11/2011 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 14/11/2011 10:47

No-one is saying 'don't discuss it' - I'm simply saying that permission would not be required, as my dh knows, so he would not think to come in and say 'Can I go? Can I? Can I?'

He would expect me to be cool with that. Which I would be.

Georgimama · 14/11/2011 10:47

I see no problem with this at all. Last year I went to Las Vegas for four days leaving DS (aged 3) with DH. I am mystified at the idea that being married means you have to spend all annual leave together and that all family members must be involved in every activity.

grovel · 14/11/2011 10:48

tummytickler, I completely agree.

I should add though that when my MiL "borrowed" DH and his brothers she always liaised through the DiLs about dates, checked that we were happy with the arrangements and sent us flowers.

chippy47 · 14/11/2011 10:49

The MIls idea of family is a tad wrong. Do non-blood relatives always stay on the periphary until the day they die? Why exactly are they not family? My DW has produced 3 grandchildren for my Mum (and ourselves!) and for her to think she is not 'family' would be deeply warped. This situation would never arise for such a big event (not comparable to a dinner out or spa day or whatever). All for one and one for all. The DILs in this world are responsible for the continuation of the in-laws' blood line so how can that not be equated to family. And if this was a situation in our family my Mum would probably have invited my DW rather than me!).
And you can take a child to NY -not like there is nothing for them to do in one of the World's biggest cities (and during a week people would have time to do their own thing that did not involve dragging a child to a gallery etc).

BluddyMoFo · 14/11/2011 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 14/11/2011 10:53

And mine Mofo.

How wet some people are! BLERK!

tummytickler · 14/11/2011 10:53

How did MIL say op was not family? That is not even an issue and bonkers to react like that. She just wants time with her own grown up dc - what is wrong with that? Surely mil can do something in the uk to involve op and her grandchildren to celebrate her birthday. Why do families have to live in each others pockets, and get all insulted because they can't do every little thing together?

Georgimama · 14/11/2011 10:54

All those saying why can't the toddler come too - because it is quite obvious that the OP would be expected to look after said toddler while everyone else goes to an art gallery, or for cocktails, or some other non toddler friendly activity, and then she'd feel resentful about that.

My mother is the most welcoming, loving MIL going. She has faults but excluding her children in law isn't one of them. However occasionally she absolutely loves to spend time with me or DBs alone. Fortunately all of her chidlren have married normal people who also like spending time with their parents alone, so it isn't an issue.

Proudnscary · 14/11/2011 10:55

It's not about 'being joined at the hip' though. I could not be less joined at the hip from my dh! I wouldn't dream of telling him what to do or me him and we go out without each other all the time.

But it's a different taking your son away for a week to New York and not including family in celebrations. That's a lot of holiday to take in terms of work for a start.

Saying that I do see it's her birthday and her choice what she wants to do.

tummytickler · 14/11/2011 10:56

Maybe they want to spend the week getting pissed? Or at least, be able to if they want to. I would love that . . . .

squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 10:58

tummy, as 4 months from now is going to be around St Patricks day, which is a huge celebration (for adults mainly!) in NY, if that is part of the reason for going, then it is quite understandable why it would not be a child friendly trip.

tummytickler · 14/11/2011 10:59

If you slog your guts out all year at work all year are you not entitled to spend a week away from all your responsibilities once in a while. Assuming she has the same rights, of course.