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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
SharrieTBGinzatome · 14/11/2011 09:27

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UnexpectedOrange · 14/11/2011 09:29

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MenopausalHaze · 14/11/2011 09:30

I'm loving über-precious - what a perfect way to describe the OP's condition!

captainbarnacle · 14/11/2011 09:31

It's not harsh. It shows a massive sense of entitlement to think that your mI
L should invite you on such an expensive an adult focused holiday. By all means, feel sad that you aren't going. Who wouldn't feel sad that they were missing out on a trip to NYC? But Take the advice from a PP and plan a holiday for yourself to balance it out. Dont whinge.

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 09:31

Wow-thanks for correcting my poor spelling on this thread cos that was really the point wasnt itHmm.

Op-tis up to you if you want to continue to let dh pander to mummy....

whoneedssleepanyway · 14/11/2011 09:31

All of those of you who think it is fine...what if your DH works long hours and gets 4 weeks leave a year which is when you get to spend time altogether as a family.

25% of that is being used up by this trip, that is what would annoy me.

I am all for my DH doing stuff on his own but if he was to do this I would have issues

  1. because it would leave me in the lurch workwise, he drops the DCs off as I start too early I would have to make arrangements to sort this out which would not be easy

  2. that is one less week we have to spend together as a family when we both work stressful jobs

Everyone saying his mum wants to spend time with him, fine but he isn't a child anymore and has other people to think about.

I think the OPs MIL should go on a luxurious trip to NYC with her DH and have a separate lunch or other celebration with all the family including the OP and her DD...but that is just my opinion.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/11/2011 09:33

I can understand a mother wanting to spend time alone with her grown up kids - to put another angle on this, my mil has a new partner and we never see her without him. I think that my dh would like to, sometimes (even though partner seems very nice, he is not family to my dh). But a week in NY is asking a bit much imo. The OP isn't a new partner, she is a wife and they have been together for a long time. It is a snub, and quite self indulgent of mil, imo.

Also, I know mil is paying for this trip, but it will cost the OP's family money. Who goes to NY and spends nothing? By the time you factor in meals out/drinks etc, it will end up costing quite a bit. And then there is the holiday time used up.

Like jacksmania said, the 'd'h has informed, not asked his wife. I'd expect to be consulted, not informed. When you have dc, they are 50% your responsibility and it's wrong to bugger off on a jolly and just assume that your partner will be taking care of them on their own, without even asking. That's just plain rude and taking your partner for granted.

OP, I'm not sure what you can do. I'd be very tempted to put my foot down and say no, on the grounds that I want my dh's holiday time to be used for us, his family and also that I would like to see NY with my husband, not have him go without me. When you get married your priorities should shift to your spouse and decisions should be made jointly, not one person doing what their mum wants and sod how the spouse feels about it.

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 09:35

pictish-your last post made my chuckle-the key phrase was "adult sons"-yes dear thats just it-they are adults ffs! they dont need to keep going on holiday with mummy because they have their own family to think about now.

Op-raised a good point-what would dh do if she swanned off for a week leaving him with all the childcare issues?-I bet my last penny that he wouldnt send her off with a cheery bon voyage!

LizzieMo · 14/11/2011 09:35

I woud be fine with my DH going on a special hol with his Mum....parents don't stop wanting to be with their DC when they grow up.

No, but when they grow up, get married and have a child of their own the parents should expect the needs of the new family to be a priority.

A week is along time for you to be on your own with your daughter. Has he even asked how you will manage? Have you got anyone you can fall back on for help if you need it?

IMO he is behaving like a single man, not taking you and his daughter into account.

MenopausalHaze · 14/11/2011 09:38

Put your foot down and say 'no'? How would that work then? How would you actually stop him - and why would you want to? I don't get this at all! What would the above lead to? Years and years of resentment from DH and his family and for what? So OP could feel a nice warm fuzzy "That's told the bastard" sense of achievement?

Breaking news ladies! Marriage/Partnership is NOT and should NEVER be about stopping someone from doing something because it's put your nose a bit out or you just don't understand - or whatever! Just accept that sometimes nice stuff is going to happen to one or the other of you that excludes one or the other of you. You just are NOT surgically joined and incapable of independant functioning.

captainbarnacle · 14/11/2011 09:38

Good grief. The OP is a grown woman who can manage for a week without a man I am sure.

There is no way to complain about this holiday without looking petulant and childish. Avoid. Just request your own grownup holiday.

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 09:39

Parents have to accept that when their dcs grow up and get married and have children of their own that they are not mumber 1 anymore-simples. Not doing this is extremely selfish imo and one of the main causes of conflict between dil/sil and inlaws.

spugglers · 14/11/2011 09:39

Threads like this demonstrate just how different our relationships with our family are. I personally feel that it is extremely rude of the mil to expect her adult son to go off on a jolly leaving his family at home but judging from the responses lots of people live their lives very differently.

captainbarnacle · 14/11/2011 09:40
scaryteacher · 14/11/2011 09:40

'New York is NOT a city for toddlers - just accept that'

I never realised that the US had totally toddler free cities - do they just breed outside NYC then and only allow them to live with their families once they are teens? Do they have toddler farms surrounding NYC?

How do native NYC toddlers cope?

I can see that the OP is upset - I would be as well. I think it is insenitive of the mil and very presumptuous that leave should be used for this purpose and that as there will be a financial cost, it is presented as a fait accompli, and that the OP is expected to fall in with it.

If he does go OP, then that should be it for her present. She will have cost you in time and effort, so no other gift should be forthcoming. It could do for her Christmas present as well.

Eggrules · 14/11/2011 09:40

YANBU

It is perfectly reasonable for you to leave your DH with your DD. I suggest you present YOUR week long travel plans to your DH and gauge his reaction. Go out and get some travel brochures.

I think it is very odd for a 60YO to go away with adult children for a week to celebrate a birthday. The lack of invite and consideration is insulting and I would be annoyed too. I would let them get on with it and organise my own break.

My DH and I have started having 2 weekends away a year. I am in the middle of planning a trip to NY with my friends. The logistics a working parent taking sole care of a 4 YO is a pita and needs to be agreed in advance.

MenopausalHaze · 14/11/2011 09:41

Well pink - let's see if that pronouncement of yours still hold true when your DC are grown up and married to some thin lipped shrieker who begrudges them spending time with their mother. Keep us posted won't you.

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 09:41

menopausal-yes I would tell my dh he wasnt going If he insisted then I would point out to him that it was up to him to arrange all childcare for that week as I would be going off for a week of bliss on my own! Failing that I would simply hide/destroy his passport...

rubyrubyruby · 14/11/2011 09:42

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MenopausalHaze · 14/11/2011 09:42

Oh so sorry scaryteacher - I didn't realise we were amongst the hard of thinking here. Let me rephrase that then - New York is NOT a city for tourist toddlers. But you knew that didn't you.

MrsTittleMouse · 14/11/2011 09:42

I would be annoyed if DH came home and told me that he was going away for a weekend and he didn't discuss it with me first. And vice versa. If you are going to expect someone to be childcare for your child for a whole week, it's only polite to ask nicely first and be grateful. Of course the OP is capable of looking after her toddler for a week, but if her DD is anything like mine, it will be an exhausting week, and it's only fair to chat about it first and put some nice things for her into place for when he comes back.

Just because the OP is a woman and a mother, doesn't mean she is the default babysitter in the marriage 24/7 for a week.

pink4ever · 14/11/2011 09:43

meno-are you dcs close to to leaving the nest then? I have lovely luscious lips btwWink

I have said that this thread hits a raw nerve with me as I have for far too long pandered to the wishes of mil and am only now learning to stand up to her. Its great!

rubyrubyruby · 14/11/2011 09:44

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squeakytoy · 14/11/2011 09:44

they dont need to keep going on holiday with mummy because they have their own family to think about now.

when they grow up, get married and have a child of their own the parents should expect the needs of the new family to be a priority.

These responses are why we get so many MIL ranty threads on here. I also suspect that some of you with these views may well change your tunes when your own children are adults, and their husband or wives imply that you are now second place. It is quite nasty really.

You dont replace one person with another when you get married, you add to your family, but that doesnt mean you have to include that person in every little thing that you do either.

Speaking as someone who has lost both their parents, and would love to have been able to spend more time with them, with or without my husband, I think some people should stop and think here. You are likely to have a hell of lot more years with your partner than you have left with your parents. This is a womans 60th birthday. A fairly big event in anyones life, and why the hell shouldnt they want to celebrate it in style, in the way they want to do it. Why shouldnt they want to share a few days of it with just their son and daughter. It doesnt mean they dont give a toss about their grandchild, or their childrens partners at all. It isnt selfish either.

pictish · 14/11/2011 09:45

Agree with menopausal - at last...a sane person not totally wrapped up in themselves!