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Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Kitchentiles · 14/11/2011 13:12

Just because he is married it doesn't mean that the wife and children take priority over parents and siblings. What an odd notion.

It does. When you get married and have kids, your first loyalty should be to them.

mumofthreekids · 14/11/2011 13:14

But diddl it would mean losing a week of annual leave that they would otherwise presumably spend together

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 14/11/2011 13:16

My mum took my sister and I away for a spa weekend for her 70th this year - no in-laws or kids and it was fabulous - we had peace and quiet to talk, go out for meals, go sightseeing and so on, without having to worry about the children or be constantly interupted by them.

We've never done anything like this before, and because we all live at different ends of the UK we never, ever get together as mum and daughters on our own.

If DH had thrown a strop I'd have been livid.

diddl · 14/11/2011 13:17

I get that-but really, one week-I´m sure that everyone will cope!

DilysPrice · 14/11/2011 13:19

Quite agree Maisie, if OP was "DM has invited me and DS away to celebrate her bday but DH has thrown a strop and insisted on being invited too then you'd hear the yells of Leave the Bastard from across the Atlantic"

DilysPrice · 14/11/2011 13:20

(where DS should be DSis of course)

quietlyafraid · 14/11/2011 13:20

I would. Totally. Its about respecting your partners choice in the personal they choose to spend the rest of their life with. Partners don't have to like your choose but they should respect it. I think its disrespectful of the MiL not to consider the feelings of her DiL. I would expect my mother to show an interest in my child and not expect me to be away a week without them at that age unnecessarily. I'd be asking serious questions about why she didn't want to spend any time with her grandchild. Are they really going to be doing 'adult' only activities for a whole week. No one is saying they have to do everything together on the trip, but its unreasonable to ask family to leave theirs behind in this way. Its not like you can afford to go on many holidays when you have a kid. Even if MiL is paying for some of it, she the husband will have to stump up for something, and its not like you get many weeks of holiday in a year anyway.

Its actually a stunt I can see my MiL trying. Fortunately, my DH tends to have a hissy fit when she does. It would be him refusing to go rather than me banning him from going.

quietlyafraid · 14/11/2011 13:21

A weekend in a spa is not a week in NY...

Not comparible.

mumofthreekids · 14/11/2011 13:22

diddl yes I'm sure everyone will cope, but I think it invalidates your point that a weekend would be worse than a week

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 14/11/2011 13:24

Dilys - so true

And honestly, although I'm pleased that my mum and MIL enjoy seeing their grandchildren, I'm also very aware that they also don't want to spend every holiday time with them. A few days in NY is not going to be the most child-friendly holiday ever - so it's only right that they go and enjoy themselves, and do adult things without a toddler slowing you down. Hardly 'disrespectful' ffs.

A free trip to NY without kids? I'd be packing my bags before you even finished speaking the invite!

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 14/11/2011 13:25

Even if it was a week in NY my DH would be thrilled for me

dreamingbohemian · 14/11/2011 13:26

I must be crazy, because I don't expect my DH to have 'first loyalty' to me or put me and DS 'first'. Why is it a competition? Can't he be loyal to all of us?

There only needs to be a choice when there is some conflict between your mother and your wife. And in this case, there is only a conflict because of the way the OP is taking this. I would be happy for my DH to go in this situation, as would others on this thread -- it is not automatic that this situation is leading to conflict.

Even in cases of conflict, I would not expect my DH to always take my side. She's his MUM.

I really think graceful acceptance is the way to go here.

PorkChopSter · 14/11/2011 13:30

For me, the issues would be:

  1. Presented as a done deal, no discussion
  2. Impact on household finances. Notice, I didn't say family Wink But the DH is going to need spending money unless his mum is giving him pocket money
  3. Use of 25% of annual leave without discussion with wife/mother of his child.
  4. Length of time. A long weekend would be more acceptable. A whole week seems... odd. More holiday than celebration.

I would not want to take a 19 month old on an 8 hour flight and spend a week on an adult, non-child focused holiday. But I'd expect some discussion and compromise before my DH agreed to anything.

sozzledchops · 14/11/2011 13:32

my husband would have no problem with this if it was me going off with family. I'm not as generous as him but would be happy for him to take his parents away if it was a special occasion and not a child friendly place. I'm used to being on my own with the kids for weeks at a time though.

Eggrules · 14/11/2011 13:35

Well said PorkChopSter

sillymillyb · 14/11/2011 13:37

I have scan read so apologies if this is just repeating what others have said. I would be a tad hurt not to be included, only as I'd be desperate to goto New York too (tho poss not with the inlaws!) I think the point would be your DH's assumption he would go, where as I would see it as polite to atleast run it past you.

Why not explain to your DH that you have thought about it and you were a bit hurt not to be included too but can see that would make it a very different trip for your MIL so on his return could he have your children for a few days while you had a trip to xxx as a treat too.

Let us know whether you decide to say something!

sozzledchops · 14/11/2011 13:37

it also makes me a bit sad that when my boys are older, i might be suddenly be so unimportant in their lives, someone to be ridiculed and resented and put in their place. DIL's should keep it in mind that one day they might be a MIL themselves (seems especially scary when it's boys you have) if reading thread after thread of horrible, annoying MIL's is anything to go by.

Dumpyandabdabs · 14/11/2011 13:46

Tbh honest I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would be really miffed if my husband did this but then I really don't think he'd want to go without me and the kids anyway.

Laquitar · 14/11/2011 13:46

quietly @ 13:20:36 : '*i 'd be asking serious questions about why she didn't want to spend any time with her grandchild'.

Are you serious? Grin. It is one week not 5 years.

tummytickler · 14/11/2011 13:47

I would not assume that because a man goes away with his parents that his dw and dc are not his priority. I am sure is dw and dc are his priority, but surely that does not mean he can't go away without them.
I would be furious if my dh had a problem with me doing something like this, and I would never (and have never, as I said he used to go away with his now deceased mum) have a problem with him doing it. He is off to Bilboa this weekend to see a pal. We can't really afford it, but you only have one life. As long as he is not swanning off here there and everywhere willy nilly whats the problem.
As I said up thread, one day she will be dead (as is my mil) and he will treasure special memories like this. DC may not be involved, but I am sure they are included in many other lovely things.

clam · 14/11/2011 13:54

But tummytickler, did your dh "tell" you about Bilboa after he'd committed to going by buying the ticket, and presented it as a done deal? Many of us have said it's not so much the fact of him going that is the problem, although the OP would dearly love to have been invited along as well, but the way the DH has handled it and is huffing because she's miffed.

runningwilde · 14/11/2011 13:55

For me, the issues would be:

  1. Presented as a done deal, no discussion
  2. Impact on household finances. Notice, I didn't say family But the DH is going to need spending money unless his mum is giving him pocket money
  3. Use of 25% of annual leave without discussion with wife/mother of his child.
  4. Length of time. A long weekend would be more acceptable. A whole week seems...

well said porkchop

You have totally hit the nail on the head!

Bigdwight · 14/11/2011 13:55

Sigh...

What would we think if we take on board the following:

The trip is not for a week, its 4 days leaving Saturday returning Tuesday

The OP is not a DW but a DH

DH has already enjoyed a 5 day long boys week away earlier this year, leaving DW to deal with their year old baby alone just 2 weeks after she returned to work after mat leave to a reasonably high pressure job. DW was not too happy about the timing but sucked it up and got on with it.

PIL's has previously paid for DH to enjoy a week in the South Of France and a week in southern Italy in previous summers. Also has funded trips to London, expensive meals out etc.

PIL also care for baby once a week in order to help cut down on childcare costs.

MIL simply wants to spend a few days away with her 2 daughters to celebrate her birthday - a bithday a few years ago she thought she may not see as treated extensively (and so far successfully) for cancer. Originally planned to go to NY some years ago but cancelled due to cancer diagnosis.

DH has fairly regular weekends away to see friends down south, next trip coming up fairly soon, last one was over the summer where again DW looks after DD with no issues.

dreamingbohemian · 14/11/2011 13:55

Exactly tummy.

My DH went away for a week this past spring to see an old friend. Am I to take from this that his friend is more important to him than I am? Should I read anything dire into the fact that he went for a week and not a weekend? pfft.

Porkchopster -- those points may be true but the OP has not indicated any practical issues with him going (ie money or leave). Her objection was based on feeling hurt and jealous.

sozzledchops · 14/11/2011 13:56

tummy, exactly. My mum died a few years ago, there is no time for me to do anything nice with her anymore. I tell my husband to appreciate his parents while he still has them.

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