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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

518 replies

FanjoTootie · 13/11/2011 23:36

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:

fufulina · 14/11/2011 11:55

Pictish - I so agree with you.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 11:56

There was a wedding recently for dh cousin abroad, I canno go being 7 months pg and dd in school, I begged him to go, but nope he did nit want to. Was wanting a week by myself no dh under my feet . tightwad dud nit want to spend the money

clam · 14/11/2011 11:58

And I'm proud to be married to a man who missed a trip away on holiday with us to stay at home with his mother who'd just been dignosed with cancer and needed support. He still discussed it with me first and I was right behind him. It's called couresy and respect.

LordRadlettsEntrenchingTool · 14/11/2011 12:00

I find some attitudes on here quite astonishing.

Just because he is married it doesn't mean that the wife and children take priority over parents and siblings. What an odd notion.

Obvioudly the OP is not being excluded - it seems that the MIL is looking at her birthday as being a very rare opprunity to spend with her husband and children. This is not the kind of thing to happen all the time. I think it is a lovely idea tbh.

Just because you are married with children it doesn't mean you can't have seperate relationships with other family members. And surely it is not too much of a nightmare to have a week alone with a toddler.

I would wave him off and hope he has a lovely time.

Georgimama · 14/11/2011 12:05

LordRadlettsEntrenchingTool you have the best username on MN. The pdeant in me fears it is wrong though - his names was Matthew Radlett but I think his title was Lord Alconleigh. I could be wrong.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 14/11/2011 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Flisspaps · 14/11/2011 12:08

I was reading a wedding thread yesterday where most people said it was rude not to invite partners (who you might not have met) to a wedding, yet it's perfectly acceptable not to invite your own daughter in law and grandchild to your family birthday celebration?

mummytime · 14/11/2011 12:09

BTW my DH is at present away at his Dad's for 1/2 a week, having just been overseas for a week (and we did think going back overseas next week too). this is all fine with me, but we did discuss it.

I have also accompanied him in the past to NYC with young children, he worked, we did lots of lovely things. In fact NYC is my kids favourite city.

droves · 14/11/2011 12:11

My In-laws are off to Kenya for pils 70 th birthday . He wants to see some elephants ... ..has been warned not to try bring any back in suitcase !

Because we are all going to miss his actual birthday , mil has arranged a special dinner at his favorite hotel ... we are invited , but not the kids .

But hey ho its his dinner celebration ...the kids can drag him to mcdonalds any time instead !

If they had told dh to pack because he had a ticket to go with them , hed get all arsey and insist i go too ....i on the other hand , would be handing him his passport and pushing him on the plane faster than you could say cheerio ! ....week with my bed to my self and no duvet fights would be bliss.

pigletmania · 14/11/2011 12:11

Exactly clam it's about respect and being couteous to each other. Not this what's happening, that's the way it is like it or lump it. That's not s good attitude in s partnership

Original poster

FanjoTootie · 14/11/2011 12:18

Lots more useful points for me to think on.

BTW - I'm not saying that wife and child take priority over parents and siblings ... but at least having parity would be nice?

I guess so long as this doesn't set a precident - 65 birthday coming up for FIL ...

Thanks again for everyone thats taken time to contribute and share their thoughts

OP posts:

LordAlconleighsEntrenchingTool · 14/11/2011 12:18

georgimama of course it is Lord Alconleigh, what on earth was I thinking. In my defence I tried to change my name to LindaRadlett but it was taken . That would be the best name on MN, oh do admit

I have never said the words 'what an odd notion' in my life, so apols for the Hyacinth Bouquet effect. I think I meant to say that parents are equally important, really. I would agree with the OP if her DH always had to go round the MILs for Sunday lunch, had to go there x amounts per week, always had tp spend holidays together. But this does seem like a one off special occasion, perhaps it is a long time since the family were together, just the 4 of them. I know families grow and expand when children get married etc, but I can understand why the MIL, just this once, wants to spend it with just her children.

Laquitar · 14/11/2011 12:20

Yes but thats the dh's fault (not discussing it with OP).

If someone is on the wrong thats OP's dh and not Mil imo.

Thumbwitch · 14/11/2011 12:20

heh. I asked DH about this tonight - presented him with a hypothetical situation similar to the OP's MIL's suggestion.

DH is very close to his mother. He said he wouldn't go unless we were invited as well because we're family too. THAT's the sort of man I am happy to be married to.

To be fair, MIL would never DREAM of doing that - she would of course invite DS and myself along as well as we are her family now too.

However, if she DID decide to have time away with just DH, I expect he would discuss it with me out of courtesy, not just tell me that he was doing it.

Bigdwight · 14/11/2011 12:23

Oooh this is interesting...

What would we think if we take on board the following:

The trip is not for a week, its 4 days leaving Saturday returning Tuesday

The OP is not a DW but a DH

DH has already enjoyed a 5 day long boys week away earlier this year, leaving DW to deal with their year old baby alone just 2 weeks after she returned to work after mat leave to a reasonably high pressure job. DW was not too happy about the timing but sucked it up and got on with it.

PIL's has previously paid for DH to enjoy a week in the South Of France and a week in southern Italy in previous summers. Also has funded trips to London, expensive meals out etc.

PIL also care for baby once a week in order to help cut down on childcare costs.

MIL simply wants to spend a few days away with her 2 daughters to celebrate her birthday - a bithday a few years ago she thought she may not see as treated extensively (and so far successfully) for cancer. Originally planned to go to NY some years ago but cancelled due to cancer diagnosis.

DH has fairly regular weekends away to see friends down south, next trip coming up fairly soon, last one was over the summer where again DW looks after DD with no issues.

Just saying....

Georgimama · 14/11/2011 12:26

No, yours is a better user name than even LindaRadlett. Uncle Matthew is a creation of literary genius.

I have a shit user name and need a new one.

Eggrules · 14/11/2011 12:35

As parents you do have to make a choice when it comes to socialising and friends. Before having DS, I occasionally went on holiday for 2 weeks with my friends. My priorities have changed and my order of priorities is DS, DH, work and then friends. There isn't enough time or £££ for it to be any other way. I have been there and done that and am very happy with my life.

IMO this IS an odd request however the fault lies solely with DH. I think it would be equally odd for my parents to suggest a week long holiday with my father, sisters and brother without OHs.

The work life balance of my family makes it very difficult to arrange childcare. In our circumstances, it would be difficult to earn enough money and sort out alternative childcare in 16 weeks. A weekend trip is just about doable.

dreamingbohemian · 14/11/2011 12:40

'BTW - I'm not saying that wife and child take priority over parents and siblings ... but at least having parity would be nice?'

How do you interpret parity? I don't think DH spending one trip on his own with his parents means that you are not equal -- sometimes he will do things on his own with you as well.

Unless you are planning to invite your ILs on every single family holiday you will ever take, I don't see why it's such a big deal if this one holiday is parents and kids only.

Eggrules · 14/11/2011 12:47

Just because he is married it doesn't mean that the wife and children take priority over parents and siblings. What an odd notion.

Yes they do. My DH and DS (MY family)take priority over my parents and siblings - I am emotionally, physically and financially responsible for MY family. I am a kind and considerate daughter and sister but they are not my priority and I do not expect to be theirs.

quietlyafraid · 14/11/2011 13:00

If it were me and my MiL tried that stunt, DH would NOT be going. No ifs no buts. You don't get to pick and choose who your family is. I would not have any problem letting the family have time together as a unit without me for a couple of days - fair enough - but its a whole week, so its more than fair enough to be expected to be invited. I would also expect MiL to show interest in the daughter and failure to do that is an insult to her son and grandchild and completely out of order.

mumofthreekids · 14/11/2011 13:05

Another lover of LordAlconleighsEntrenchingTool's username here.

I am feeling torn between 'it's a generous one-off idea for a special birthday, MIL should feel able to celebrate as she chooses and, let's face it, the presence of a toddler would make it a very different event' and 'it's a week of DH's precious annual leave that he should be spending with you and DD'.

I think I am coming down on the side of 'it's a bit U of MIL' - simply because it's a whole week. If it was a long weekend it would be fine IMO.

My DH and I and our 3 kids have all been invited to a wedding in NY next spring. It's an old schoolfriend of DH's, but one we hardly ever see (as he now lives in NY). After some thought we have decided that DH will go on his own, because we can't justify the expense and can't face the idea of the long flight with 3 young children, and it's tricky for us to find babysitting for long enough for DH and I to go together. BUT as it's just him, DH will be leaving on Fri am and flying back overnight on Sun - limiting the impact on us as a family.

Original poster

FanjoTootie · 14/11/2011 13:06

THanks quietly afraid - good point

OP posts:

diddl · 14/11/2011 13:08

TBH, if OP´s husband works long hours, it probably wouldn´t make that much difference to how much she sees of him and a weekend without him might seem longer.

LordAlconleighsEntrenchingTool · 14/11/2011 13:10

There is a Mner with the username OhDoAdmit at the moment. I read her posts in my head in a 30s Mitford gels accent.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 14/11/2011 13:10

I hope you'd decline a similar invitation from your mother then quietly.

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